River danced into the galley, unceremoniously flopping into a seat across from Jayne.

'Baby in the bellypan.'

The mercenary looked up from the apple he'd just stabbed with his knife. 'What was that, Moonbrain?'

'Baby.' River paused, slowing her words down and looking at Jayne as though he were very stupid indeed. 'In the bellypan.'

She then placed her hands over her own belly in a rather maternal way and gave him a significant look.

'Ye went and got yourself knocked up?' Jayne gave a chortle as he bit into his newly acquired fruit. 'Can't wait to see the Doc's face; he's gonna flip at you.'

River rolled her eyes as the man took another bite of his apple; was he really that dumb?

'Not me. You. Baby in the bellypan.'

'What is that suppose to gorram mean? I ain't ever gonna get myself with a baby.'

'Jayne is a girl's name.'

'It ain't no girl's name! And besides, even if it was - which it ain't - it don't mean a gorram thing and you know it.'

'Too late.'

'Scuze me?'

River sighed in frustration. 'You. Too late. Baby in the belly pan.'

'Told you, girl, I ain't pregnant!' Jayne growled, giving her a glare over his apple before taking another bite.

'Someone has a baby in the bellypan. You helped. Squish.'

As soon as Jayne processed this, his jaw dropped and his grip slackened, knife slipping from his hand and bouncing off the table, landing on his foot. Cursing, he picked it up and tossed it onto the table, fruit and all, before scowling up at River.

'You saying I went and got someone knocked up?'

River gave a solemn nod.

'Why?'

'Silly ape; you like the squish.'

Jayne furrowed his brow at her, an all too familiar feeling of confusion creeping up. 'No, I meant why are you telling me... you got some kinda womanly wisdom for me to get myself outta this? Or did you just come to gloat?'

She pulled a gun - one of his guns - out from under the table.

'Bullet in the brain-'

'Where the hell did you get that!' He yelled, cutting her off and snatching the weapon from her surprised fingers. 'This was locked up!'

'I know.' And with that statement River shot Jayne a fish-eyed that thoroughly creeped him out.

'Anyways,' Jayne started, returning to the previous topic with the hope of pulling the talk back to safer, less creepifying topics. He picked up his apple again and tried to blow the dirt off, to no avail, before taking another bite. 'You was sayin' what I should be doing about all this.'

River nodded, deciding on a different approach. 'Nothing in the bellypan yet.'

Jayne frowned and squinted at her, taking another bite from the fruit.

'Can be stopped: prevented. Just like a bullet in the brainpan... you only have to be sane.'

'So wait, noone's pregnant...are you just jerking me around Moonbrain?'

'Oh, no, can't confuse people if they're already confused about the implications of their name; not very right, not nice. Simon says you should be nice... especially to people like apes.'

Jayne chose to ignore this comment, as he was rather intent upon preventing the cost a baby would bring.

'Well, go on, what should I be doin'?'

'More like what you shouldn't be doing.'

'Now just what is that supposed to mean?'

'You know.' And with that River waggled her eyebrows in a rather suggestive way.

Jayne scoffed. 'Yer saying that I should stop sexin' folk just to prevent a baby? Girly, there's things to prevent that.'

'Only one thing is one hundred per cent effective. And you don't have to stop have sex with folk... just women.'

Jayne gave an indignant splutter at this and almost stomped off to his bunk before he considered her past prediction successes.

'You sure about this? You usin' your readin' skills and not just yer crazy brain?' Jayne questioned, giving her a squinty look.

River bobbed her head up and down in the most serious gesture Jayne had ever seen her give.

And so he snarled and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving his half finished apple behind.

River smiled coyly to herself and picked up the sweet fruit he'd left behind. She loved her lucid days and she loved that Jayne was such an easy mark, but mostly, she just loved apples.

Well, there you go, a quick little attempt at both humour, and two characters that I've never really worked with before (well, I haven't really done much with Jayne yet, that is). It's a little rough, but I really wanted to post it... and for those of you waiting for another chapter on for There's Nobody Can Help Me, it's on its way! Soon as I get a chance to finish it, I promise that I'll post it! Anyways, hopefully this turned out okay; let me know if you like it!

Ciao, Moksgmol