Authors Unimportant Note: This fic is kind of weird, and honestly, quite pointless. You could call it a crackfic, but it's not as cracky as my other work. Everyone is OOC for a reason; mainly to make it funny. It will have three parts, and I'll write the second and third one whenever I feel like it.
"I've told you over and over again, it's impossible for a woman to impregnate another woman."
"Eliot, you're full of fucking bullshit, you know that?"
"Believe what you like, Hardison. Don't you think Sophie would have gotten pregnant by now? Har har har."
The two were trotting along a suburban sidewalk in New Jersey, trying to find Hardison's wallet. Hardison had dropped it during one of their cons; losing all of his credit cards for his billions of IDs. During their boring and uninteresting walk, Hardison asked Eliot if he had ever touched a real boob. This conversation led to their current one.
"I'm just saying mayne." Hardison ignored Eliot laughing at his own joke. "If they can't get each other pregnant, why the hell do you see these chick couples walking around with kids?"
Eliot smiled. "Turkey baster."
Hardison turned to inform Eliot that he didn't get it, but a man in his late thirties bumped into them both. On a sunny day like this, you wouldn't expect anyone else to be outside.
Eliot stared at him and grunted. He didn't say anything; just grunted. Hardison seemed embarrassed, and squashed a nonexistent bug with his shoe shyly.
The man was crying. Despite his ugly man tears, he was quite pretty, and Eliot was somewhat attracted but quickly ignored his man love. In his right hand, the man rolled a stuffed suitcase that looked as if it was fifty years old.
"I'm like, so sad right now, guys." The guy cried, ignoring the fact that he had never met the pair in his life.
Hardison shifted uncomfortably. "Um, who are you?" He turned away, as if questioning the man was a insult. Eliot pushed Hardison. "Who the hell are you?" Eliot preferred to question more directly.
"I-I'm Lucas." The guy sniffed. Suddenly he burst into tears. "My girlfriend used to call me Lucas..."
"Yeah well..." Hardison squinted. "That's weird, because you know, it's not like it's your name or anything."
"I KNOW right?" Lucas wept.
"Stop being a baby." Eliot growled, grabbing Lucas by the arm. "You're going to meet the team."
"My girlfriend knows this guy who has a team!" Lucas cried, but his face suddenly hardened. "This guy."
"Whatever." Eliot whistled cheerfully.
Parker was furiously playing a video game on the couch when Eliot, Hardison, and Lucas arrived. It was the next day; they were forced to sleep in a cheap hotel because Hardison refused to leave without his wallet. Eliot bought him ice cream the next day and he forgot all about it.
Sophie was sitting on the couch's armchair, calmly watching as Parker tried to beat the same level over and over again on some portable.
When Lucas saw Sophie he burst into tears. "M-My GIRLFRIEND had dark hair!" He screeched, dropping to his knees.
"Who is this?" Sophie eyed Lucas questionly, trying not to stare at his ass; which was currently exposed because Eliot reluctantly let him borrow a pair of his pants.
"I wish I knew." Hardison mumbled, but Eliot elbowed him. "A poor sap we found in that ugly suburb. His name's Lucas, and by what I can tell he just broke up with his girlfriend." At his last statement, Eliot pointed to Lucas and did an unnecessary cuckoo sign.
Parker crawled over on her knees and peered at him. "He's kind of cute, but I can't see much with the transparent liquid that covers his face." Nobody had anything to say to that.
Sophie came over and patted Lucas on the head. "I feel bad for him. When Nate gets here we can decide what to do. But for now, we have to stop his blabbering." Sophie pulled out a syringe, which she promptly stabbed into his unexpecting neck. Lucas' eyes rolled back into his head, and he collapsed.
"SOPHIE." Eliot scolded. "What has gotten into your unintelligent british mind?" He nudged Lucas with his foot, but Lucas didn't even twitch.
Sophie looked at Eliot with undisguised arrogance. "He serves no purpose." She paused for a moment, pursing her lips. "Undress him. I have a more suitable outfit for him in my closet."
"I'm sorry." Hardison raised his hands. "but I ain't touching ANYWHERE near his dick. Sorry, but I don't roll that way."
"Damnit Hardison!" Eliot yelled. "Do you WANT to make this complicated? Take his fucking shirt off, touch his nipple to relieve your obvious sexual attraction to him, and get on with your fucking business!"
Nate was whistling the tune to Bad Romance when he opened his apartment door. An unsightly scene greeted him. Having arrived twenty minutes early, what he saw was Hardison straddling a shirtless unconscious man. Hardison whipped his head up to greet Nate, his eyes wide. Hardison's right hand was resting on the man's nipple, but it quickly shot up when Nate entered.
"It's not what it looks like." Hardison backed away from the body. "It's not." He raised up his hands, slowly backing towards the stairs. "ELIOT! ELIOT! GET DOWN HERE!" He turned his head and screamed.
Eliot quickly stumbled down the stairs. "What is it?" When he saw Nate, he quickly looked at Lucas, and he flashed Hardison an angry glare. "You should be done by now. What exactly have you been doing?"
Hardison blushed, but Nate answered Eliot's question, confusion in his voice. "I walk in, and I see Hardison touching this guy's nipple. Can someone explain what's going on?"
As Eliot explained, Hardison scrunched up in a ball and started to chant. "Naked women. Naked women. Naked women. Not naked men. Naked women."
Parker fell down the stairs. As she got up, she looked at Nate. Her face was red as if she was holding back laughter. Trying to keep a normal appearance, she took a step toward Nate. "Hey Nate, guess what?" She was practically crying with poorly disguised amusement.
Nate sighed. "What? What it is, Parker? Tell me. Oh god, I must know." He sat a book he was carrying on a nearby table, and folded his hands neatly in front of him, waiting to hear what exactly Parker found so amusing.
"Guess what I've been doing?" She glanced at Eliot, who urged her on with his eyes.
Parker's cheeks were puffed out and she sucked in an uneven breath. "Fucking Sophie." Suddenly, she burst into an uncontrolled laughter, and Eliot snorted.
Nate's face fell at first, but he soon figured out that this was a "joke." Nate didn't like jokes very much, but to appear normal, he chuckled. "Haha."
"Eliot told me to say it!" She giggled. "He said it would be funnier coming from me!"
Apparently nobody but Nate realized how lame the "joke" was.
Meanwhile, Hardison was sweating with relief as the subject changed.
But his hope was crushed when Nate turned back to Lucas. "So, why exactly was Hardison molesting this weird but oddly attractive man?"
"Because Hardison is gay." Sophie appeared out of nowhere. She looked over to where Parker was standing. "I heard what you said."
"What? No you didn't." Eliot growled. "You were upstairs. There's no way." He clenched his fists, ready to fight Sophie over this trivial argument.
"Silly Eliot." Sophie brushed her nails against the burly man's chest. "My father was a bat." Her words came out in an odd, seductive way, and Nate got jealous.
Hardison piped up. "That's kind of gross. Ewwww." At his words, Sophie turned her seductive eyes on him. Gently tugging on his shirt, she raised him up.
"Silly Alec." Sophie brushed her nails against the slim man's chest. "My mother was an animal scientist." She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "We sometimes can't," she looked down at his groin for a moment, "help who we love."
"Uh yeah, that's gross. Woo yeah, gross Sophie." Nate stuttered nervously, hoping she would come over to him next. She didn't.
Suddenly, Lucas groggily raised his head. "Where am I?" He rasped, swinging his head around. He looked down at his bare chest and squinted. "And WHY am I shirtless?"
"Long story. Forget about it." Hardison answered quickly. He grabbed Eliot's arm. "Remember us?"
Lucas peered at them. "Oh yeah. I met you guys on the sidewalk right after..." He stopped, his eyes tearing up. "Right after..." He started to bawl.
"Oh god." Sophie rolled her eyes. "Not this shit again."
Lucas continued to weep for about ten minutes. "Can't he ever stop?" Hardison whined.
The crying ceased for a moment from Hardison's words, but quickly started up again. Through his tears, Lucas was trying to tell them something. Parker squatted down next to him. "What is it?" She whispered, staring at him intently. "What is it?"
Lucas grabbed her shirt collar. "I-" he panted, trying to fight back the tears.
"Yes?" Parker looked at him hopefully, her eyes filled with excitement.
Lucas pulled her until her ear was next to his mouth. With a deep, calm voice, he quietly whispered the words into her ear.
"I need your help to get back at my girlfriend."