The words that define grief

"So do as I say, and she lives. We all do. Except for Caffrey. Might be too late for him."

Keller's four little sentences were all that it took to ruin Peter's day. Suddenly his life revolved around words, the words that define grief and the process of going through it.

Denial is the action of declaring something to be untrue.

As Peter raced to find Neal, he thought that Keller was wrong. Just because Neal wasn't where he was supposed to be didn't mean that Keller knew where he was. Keller holding a gun and hating Neal didn't mean that he had shot him. He wanted to believe there was nothing to Keller's words except an effort to get Peter distracted in order for him to get away with his bag full of cash.

Rounding the corner, he saw that Keller was right about Neal being hurt. There was blood and he was being loaded into an ambulance.

Reaching his friend's side, he said, "We're gonna get you out of this." It was a promise, a wishful thought. Neal had always been able to find a way to get out of trouble, and if the trouble was too big to handle on his own, then Peter was always there to help him find a way. Together, there had never been a problem that they couldn't get through. So why was this time any different?

His voice was growing weaker but Neal insisted on talking. "You're the only one who saw good in me."

Peter told him to stop. He wasn't ready, it couldn't be happening, not now, not like this.

Neal continued anyway. "You're my best friend."

In his mind, Peter tried to console himself with false promises. This wasn't Neal's goodbye. It was just an emotional effect of the blood loss, because Neal wasn't dying any time soon!

"Sir? We need to go."

As Peter stepped back and the doors closed, it was the last time that he saw Neal alive. A whirl of lights and sirens whisked his best friend away. He remained rooted in the spot as the next phase set in.

Shock is a sudden upsetting or surprising event or experience.

"Would you like to see him now?" The doctor asked.

As they walked through the hallways, Peter thought of his answer to the doctor's question. He wasn't going to lead them to a room where they would see Neal resting peacefully while he healed. There was no hope that he would open his eyes and make some stupid comment to relieve the tension. Instead, they were heading to the morgue. The answer that he wanted to say came to mind. No. No he didn't want to see Neal in the sterile environment as he lay stretched out on the cold table in a body bag. No he didn't want to see Neal pale and lifeless. Really, he would take anything over what he was about to see. The stupid hat trick, his showing off that he solved the case faster, or even that lazy attitude of kicking his feet up on the desk and throwing a rubber band ball around. Oddly enough, even Neal in jail bird orange would be better.

Peter had a grip on his emotions as they entered the room. The shock gave him that at least. But if you looked close enough, you could almost see the subtle shake as his whole body struggled with the effort.

When the doctor unzipped the bag and pulled back the edges, Peter found himself taking short, light breaths. He could only force himself to look so long before he had to turn away.

Mozzie was in the stage of denial. He kept saying that it couldn't be Neal and spouting conspiracy theories of faked deaths to verify his beliefs.

That false hope ignited anger in Peter so he hit the table. As much as Peter would have liked to join Mozzie in his alternate reality, he was firmly planted in this miserable one where his friend lay dead behind him. To help Mozzie come to terms with the situation he tried to bring him back to reality.

"He's gone."

They were two words that he couldn't say without the shock. It was his shield for the emotions and his crutch when he couldn't go on otherwise. Still, they took his breath away and he simply stood while Mozzie continued.

Peter knew that Mozzie needed to work through his loss in his own time, by his own terms, but first he needed to look at Neal in order to find closure. Making another attempt, "Mozzie, he's right there. You need to look at him. You've gotta look, Mozzie. He's dead." Each small sentence was like a nail in Neal's coffin and he was sealing him in by saying them.

The guilt would come later, and the pain was held at bay for the moment, but it was only a matter of time before they were released.

Standing aside and turning his back, Peter gave Mozzie the spot by Neal and a form of privacy with company to grieve.

Mozzie was still mystified that Neal was dead. "It didn't matter how tight the scrape, Neal could always slide past. He could always get away." He shouldn't be dead was never directly said, despite the obvious implication.

Looking back over his shoulder Peter couldn't help but softly say, "Not this time."

Pain ismental suffering or distress.

"One identification badge, 16 credit cards, various names, a .38-caliber bullet for evidence. One white pocket square, one key, one tracking anklet."

As the list goes on, Peter finds the shock wearing off. The situation hits him as real with each personal belonging that was given to him. It was like being punched in the gut each time an item was listed off.

While the orderly walked away, a part of Peter couldn't help but think that Neal got what he wanted. His head moved as he thought that it wasn't how Neal wanted it perhaps, but what he wanted all the same. "You're free. You're free."

The emotional dam was bursting. At first it was a few little drops which made his eyes shiny. He knew that it was going to be more, that once the emotions had found a point of release the pressure would force the rest to follow. Looking down the hall in both directions, he ascertained that he would have at least a few moments of privacy. Seeing that no one was nearby, he decided that the row of seats would have to do. Reaching out for support, he lowered himself down as the tears got thicker. Once he was fully seated, the dam burst. As the tears flowed down his face, his shoulders shook with the force of the air he breathed which came hard and fast to fuel the energy to release the emotions, and the emotions fueled the tears that went on for longer than Peter knew.

Guilt isa feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation.

Walking into his home, Peter was quickly enveloped by Elizabeth. She had heard of Neal's death and wanted to comfort her husband as best she could. Leading him over to the couch she simply held him while he grieved.

Eventually he spoke. "Neal. We're naming him Neal."

She didn't ask if he was sure, or how he wanted to spell it. It was obvious that the choice was in honor of Neal, in honor of his partner, best friend, little brother, and first son. Silently, she agreed with him and the first name was chosen.

Over the next few days, Elizabeth and June did most of the funeral planning. It was as beautiful as Neal would have wanted. The White Collar crew showed out in mass, but the main group was Peter, Elizabeth, June, and somewhere in the back, Peter caught the occasional glimpses of Mozzie lurking in the shadows.

Before the day was done, Peter stood at Neal's grave side. The others had mostly left or, like Elizabeth was, they were standing in the distance to give him time to say his goodbye.

He felt a heavy load of remorse. Neal was his responsibility to protect, and he had failed. Now, he would never see that proud smile on his face as he told him that he was naming his son after him or scold him for teaching his son how to pull off slight of hand tricks. Professionally, he would never reach that goal of removing the anklet for the last time, or closing the biggest case of a lifetime together. There was so much left for Neal in life, but he would never do any of it. His feelings were summed up in the phrase 'It wasn't supposed to end this way."

It was inevitable that Peter would be back for visits during those hard times down the road. In those moments where he really just wants to sit with Neal and tell him about something important, his only solace will be to once again stand here by his grave. Standing there though, he had only two things that were yet unsaid. "You were my best friend too Neal. Goodbye." The tears threatened him again, so he swallowed heavily and tried to blink them away. Turning, he walked back to Elizabeth.

Heading home, Elizabeth suggested that they chose a middle name of Daniel in honor of Neal's childhood innocence, Peter's father, and her grandfather. It was a name of family and friendly history. How could they choose something else?

Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.

The anger hit him as he was filling out the reports for the final case and officially closing off the partnership. Suddenly, he realized that this was all Neal's fault! If only the man had stayed in the van like he was supposed to, things would be alright.

He knew that Neal was never someone to do as he was told, and that it was his job to keep Neal from doing stupid things, so the anger turned inward.

Then he remembered that Neal was a man responsible for his own actions, and that he continuously chose to do stupid things anyway. The anger was directed at him again.

Back and forth the battle swayed. One moment Peter would be mad at himself for failing his partner, and the next he would be furious with Neal for being such an idiot.

Sometimes those emotions would escape to be directed at other people. He would say a curt word or his tone would imply his anger. Most of them didn't take it personally, because they knew he was going through the stages of loss and grief. Still, some weren't so familiar with what was going on his life so he would try to apologize more thoroughly when those situations occurred.

Fortunately, he never blew up at Elizabeth. Sure, she witnessed a few rants at Neal or himself, but he managed to never blow up at her. Each time she would let him say what he needed to and work through the anger. Then she would hold him as the grief hit him again.

Bargaining is to negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.

This was the longest phase for Peter. He fell into it as the birth of his son drew nearer. At first he was thinking through the things that he needed to do before the baby came in order to have the house in perfect working order. Then one day he found himself thinking 'If only he could follow a check list to bring Neal back.'

Nothing worked to rid the thought from his mind so it continued to hover in the background even as he anxiously paced Elizabeth's hospital room. He tried to pass off his nerves as simply an effect of experiencing true fatherhood for the first time, but she knew that he also wished that Neal was waiting in the hallway for Peter to tell him his name sake had arrived. She knew that he didn't want Neal's absence to cloud the arrival of their son, but she also knew that he couldn't help it. Neal was the first person that Peter told about the impending arrival… and that included his own parents, not to mention the fact that the kid was named after him in a permanent reminder of his absence.

As the time drew closer, he became so absorbed in Elizabeth and little Neal that he was finally able to put big Neal from his mind for a little while.

For weeks, life was all about little Neal and the son that they finally had.

Depression is a mental condition characterized by feelings of severe despondency and dejection, typically also with feelings of inadequacy and guilt, often accompanied by lack of energy and disturbance of appetite and sleep.

Eventually the lack of sleep started to catch up and Peter found himself waking up in the night from dreams and his appetite was often absent. He kept it together though. It was the product of having a newborn combined with another stage of grief.

Since he wasn't safe enough to do much field work, Peter opted to remain in the office for a while as he worked through the latest stage of life.

A few months passed. Eventually as little Neal began to sleep through the night and exhaustion set in, Peter finally found himself sleeping again.

Reflection isserious thought or consideration.

Peter often found himself looking out of the window at the office, staring down at Neal's former desk, or staring off into space as he thought. Then, sometimes, he would even see Neal's reflection as he remembered the once common sight of him flipping his hat onto his head at the end of the day. It was only his mind recreating what he wanted to see, but it also reminded him of how much he missed his brother and friend.

Neal poked fun at him for being a nerd who went to college on a math scholarship, so he joked back that Neal would have been a frat boy who made fun of him. Although Neal went on with the joke, he seemed to disagree about him thinking anything less about Peter for being a nerd. It was like he secretly understood Peter's love of numbers and felt that it suited him.

When they talked about sports, Neal didn't have any particular love, but he learned to respect it due to Peter's using his own description of why he was passionate about art back at him.

The man had also been his working partner so they had their working relationship too. As much as they disagreed between being cop and con, they still found enough common ground to enjoy solving the puzzles of crime together.

Family was one of those things where they were clearly at odds. Peter came from a solid background while Neal came from lies and deceit. Still, they managed to create a family of their own.

Of all of the friends that he had ever had, Neal was the one who understood him the best.

They say that time heals all wounds. Eventually, Peter began to move on with life and started focusing more on the future.

The upward turn is when life starts to return to normal and the pain is easier to bear.

Peter still missed Neal, and that would never change, but he was feeling better overall.

Walking around the office, Peter would hear the team talk about Neal from time to time and it no longer upset him as much. He could finally laugh about the shenanigans that Neal got into and exchanging alleged stories was once again a favorite pass time amongst the team.

When he was out in the city, he would hear people talking and sometimes people would yell names. The sound of "Neal" no longer had him looking around for his partner. Instead, he would think of his young son as he went through his firsts.

At home, he would see Neal's pictures around the house. They brought smiles to his face as he would tell his young son stories about the man that he was named after.

Big Neal would always be a fond piece of his past, but he had happy memories to be making with little Neal.

Reconstruction and working through is when life starts to get back to normal.

Peter's work environment had been changing with Neal's death, Diana going to DC, and the re-arrangement of the desk layout. It wasn't like they were trying to forget Neal, more like they were trying to move on in his absence.

The team also had a new addition… sort of. They had a new consultant that occasionally worked with them from California. He and his team were free lance contractors for the government, but they were happy to help the team when they needed some out of the box thinking and street information.

Then at home he and Elizabeth fell into a routine. They got home from work, fed Neal, got dinner themselves, had some time alone with just the two of them, slept with a few interruptions from Neal, breakfast, and back to work again. Every once in a while they would get a sitter to have a date night, but mostly they were content to relax at home and watch little Neal grow.

Acceptance and Hope is when life moves on.

Neal was dead.

That wasn't a good thing, but it was a fact and Peter was coming to terms with it. He no longer stared at Neal's desk or even tried looking for it, the pictures didn't make him cry, he could laugh about those alleged stories, and he didn't feel the need to bargain for Neal's life anymore.

Would he work with Neal again if he did turn up alive? Of course! But, as that wasn't going to happen, he was moving on.

Life, was finally moving on.

Thank everyone for reading, reviewing, leaving kudos, following, and choosing to favorite :D Also, another special thanks to the reviewer who requested this story. I know it's hard to pick which story to read (which is why I ask you to chose if you are willing ;) so I appreciate the effort being taken to make a suggestion :D

I've noticed that I have been remiss in adding a disclaimer for the last... who knows how many stories... so in case anyone has forgotten, I don't own anything as these are simply my combination of other people's ideas ;)