Sometimes, I can see myself seventeen again. I'm looking at the lake, sitting with my legs crossed beneath me. The water ripples ever so gently, and I am calm. Not happy, but at least calm. A faint smile rises to my lips, and I say, "Inuyasha, I know you're watching me. Why don't you come out?" A few hesitant moments, and there he is. In all his demon glory, he appears beside me, looking peevish and annoyed. But I know it's a defense mechanism. He wouldn't have chosen to show himself if he hadn't truly wanted to. Whether he knew he wanted to is a different story.

We were, for the most part, inseparably apart. Don't understand? Then let me explain. . . . I used to walk from the village to the river on a daily basis. Perhaps it was my comfort zone. Inuyasha and I never walked together-- he was too proud for that. Instead, he followed behind me, taking great leaps in the silent, peculiar way of his. We were never together, yet I felt his presence there. It was all I needed, to know he was there.

That's why I asked him to become human. Yes, it was a selfish thing to ask, but the question would not have been posed had I thought Inuyasha didn't care for me. I knew he did, and if he used the Shikon no Tama to become human, we could both be happy. Together. We would be there for each other, until we grew old and gray. Then we would die, and we would be together in an afterlife. No one knows the depth of the joy I felt when he told me he'd do it. Not even I remember, anymore.

It is a sad thing. Have you ever eaten a food you particularly enjoyed? Then, for some reason, you go for months, even years without eating any, and you forget what it tastes like. You only recall that you loved it-- but you can't remember the taste. That is what this is like. With no soul to feel, all I have are empty memories. Empty in the sense that they contain no feeling, just visuals. I see myself when Inuyasha told me he wanted to be with me forever, and I'm smiling a smile I haven't used for fifty years. I probably don't know how anymore, but I know that it was one of love-- which, it seems, I've become jaded to. It breaks the heart I no longer have.

I can feel one thing. Blind hatred, exclusively for Inuyasha. I died hating him and feeling betrayed by him. I was buried for fifty years with that same emotion, and it seeped and burned itself permanently into my remains. It is what I am composed of. Every fibre of my being is infused with horrible loathing for that God damned-- I am getting carried away. I could elaborate my hatred for Inuyasha in such colorful ways, but what I cannot describe. . . .

Killing him is impossible. I've tried it. He knows it, too. I've snuck close to him at night, poised and ready with an arrow held in a bow. I've leaned over him and stared at his 'sleeping' form for hours on end, waiting for him to wake up and say "Do it, Kikyou, just do it!" I would. But his eyes never open, the only movement is his nose sniffing me out. The reason Inuyasha does not wake is because he knows I could never kill him. Even after he betrayed me, the arrow I shot at him only put him to sleep, sealed him for eternity. Light eventually comes, and I disappear. I am no longer a child of the light.

That brat, Kagome, my own reincarnation. She's clearly gotten some part of Inuyasha's heart for herself, a part she can call totally her own. I know him well enough to say that he would've killed her if he didn't care for Kagome. But I like to think he never would've taken the time to get to know her if it wasn't for the fact that her soul is the same as mine. It is comforting.

Here is the part where you will begin to dislike me.

Hypothetically speaking, let's say that there was a way to duplicate souls, so that Kagome and I could each have our very own, very whole soul to ourselves. I would be able to feel again, I could feel new emotions and overwrite old ones. I could be free of the hatred for Inuyasha, and maybe things would be better for us. Would I do it?

Never.

Perhaps it is that my hatred for Inuyasha runs so deeply-- after all, it's the only thing keeping me moving-- but I can't let go. I can't let myself let go. Because of the way I am, I am blind past my hate. I can't imagine life without hating him, because, should I stop hating him, I would cease to exist. It's natural I should feel so. I am already doomed to hell. But I won't suffer it alone.

When I see him, my non-existent heart does a little leap. No matter what anyone says, this much is true: I love Inuyasha with all of my being. I love him because he allows me to hate him, I love him because he hugged me that day on the pond. I love him because he's even managed to capture my reincarnation's heart, managed to let my soul forget those moments of intense, excruciating pain I endured when he betrayed me.

But there will always be the hatred.

Author's Note
No idea where this came from. I was musing for Love of a Nemesis (an Inu/Kik fic I'm working on) and well, here you are. A lot of this is just speculation, and my opinions on way Kikyou wants to kill Inuyasha so badly. Probably a lot of writing in circles, but I'd love some feedback.

This isn't exactly a pro-Kikyou/Inuyasha one shot, so I'd appreciate it if no one flamed me like this: KIKYOU SUCKS KAGOME AND INUYASHA FOR LIFE.

Thanks,
Monica