"Not Another Harry Potter Marriage Law Fic"
By Zaida Thorngage
Disclaimer: I own naught. JK Rowling does.
A/N: This is obviously AU, since several characters that are present in this story perished within the canonized storyline. However, be prepared to laugh. This was just something I'd thought of randomly. By the way, you're welcome. Whatever you experience – be for good or ill – while reading this story, you're welcome. Enjoy! (Viewpoint: First Person/Severus Snape)
Updated 1/30/13 – updated a few nagging errors that I've seen. Nothing more.
The ministry had fallen; Voldemort had perished; the blood of many witches and wizards – pureblood, half-blood, and Muggle-born alike – had been spilled, claimed by both sides of the dueling factions… The war was finally over.
For the first time since before the First Wizarding War against the Dark Lord did it truly look like there was peace on the horizon… Why is it that these moments never last for as long as anyone would like?
I awoke in my bed at the Leaky Cauldron. My quarters in the dungeons of Hogwarts had been reduced to rubble like much of the rest of the place. Pausing for a quick wash at the basin in my room and changing into the only other set of clean clothes I owned, I felt myself ready for the day. I heard a distinctive flutter at my window – an owl hovered there, carrying a copy of today's Daily Prophet. I seized a knut and a bit of toast from the breakfast plate that had been left for me and strolled over to the window, allowing the owl the peace to land for a moment. I replaced the newspaper with the coin in his small satchel, and watched as he nipped happily at the cold, crusty bread. Satisfied, the owl flew off… I opened the newspaper and began to read, and much to my chagrin, I was met with the following headline:
WIZENGAMOT PASSES MARRIAGE LAW: "We must save the Wizarding World together!"
I could scarcely believe the absolute drivel that I was reading. A marriage law? What in the name of Merlin's Underpants was going on? According to this nonsense, all witches and wizards of childbearing age would participate or fear the justice of breaking a wizarding law. Any previously established marriages were allowed to remain so, and the recently widowed would be excluded from this exercise. "Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me," I'd exclaimed loudly to no one. In order to "save the Wizarding World" as they were blathering about, muggle-born and half-bloods would be paired up with purebloods – in order to help propagate magic, or at least that was their intention. "Plus," read the quote from acting Minister of Magic, Dolores Umbridge, "It will work to build the bonds between witches and wizards, despite blood status." This aberrational event would take place at next day noon in the down square at Diagon Alley, right in front of the building of Gringott's.
The world had gone stark raving mad once more… and this time, there would be no clear enemy. This was going to be a mistake… but I, Severus Snape, would have nothing to fret over. People knew of my association with the Dark Lord, and bloody hell!, I was already pushing 40. I was able to rest comfortably in knowing that I was completely safe from this erroneous bit of wizarding politics. Still, not one to pass up a good time in passively enjoying the humiliation and the sheer looks of terror on the faces of some of my former students, I strolled out of the Leaky Cauldron and down the street of Diagon Alley to stop squarely in front of the stairs leading up to Gringott's Bank. Umbridge was there gazing out over the crowd as witches and wizards from all over England gathered just as bells in the distance began to chime the noon hour.
Shortly thereafter, the rather bloated woman had tapped her wand to her throat and began to speak, her voice magically amplified to speak over the din before her. "As you read in the Prophet yesterday morning, we have gathered here today to save our world from further separation. As I stand here and see everyone's bright, smiling faces, I know that you know in your hearts, and feel as I feel – that this is what we had needed all along. If not for the foresight of the Ministry, this unprecedented occasion might never have happened – you should be thankful!" Even out from under Cornelius Fudge's Imperius curse, she still sounded overly chipper… and slightly sadistic. "Your names were pulled from your records at the Ministry, and were separated into two groups – quite obviously, pureblood and 'mixed heritage' – and placed into the goblet you see before you." Delores gestured to the pedestal next to her, holding aloft a goblet made of silver and frosted glass the color of pink rose petals. "The goblet," the creepily cheerful woman, "has been magicked to combine the names of one witch and one wizard together – one pureblood and one of 'mixed heritage.'" I noticed for the second time that she said the words "mixed heritage" rather carefully, almost as if the air quotes had actually been there – so this was an example of political correctness in the wizarding world? Dear Merlin, I hope it doesn't last…
I watched as the frog-like woman pointed her wand at the goblet – and a slip of heart-shaped paper burst out like a shot before fluttering down into her hand. "You will come forward when your names are called," Dolores instructed. "Hermione Granger." The bushy haired know-it-all stepped up on to the platform to stand before the crowd – her mouth moving rapidly in quiet prayer. It looked like she kept repeating, "DearGodnotaSlytherin. DearGodnotaSlytherin. DearGodnotaSlytherin!" I must admit, I chuckled. Umbridge finally read the second name, "Neville Longbottom." A look of bewilderment and then relief crossed the Gryffindor girl's face as that lout Longbottom stepped up to claim his undeserved prize. Grabbing her hand, Longbottom ran in his unsteady shuffle with new mate in tow. I admit, I quite enjoyed the display of fear and looked forward to the next pairings.
The Patil twins were paired up with the Weasley twins. It was quite hilarious to see the four of them sort out who was whom and was with whom… Hadn't one of the Patil twins been in Gryffindor with those trickster ginger twits? Draco got quite the surprise of his life, it seems, when he was forever matched with fellow Slytherin, Millicent Bulstrode. "Wait a minute!" Draco screamed, "What do you MEAN you're a half-blood?" That stupid little Muggle reporter wannabe, Colin Creevy, who had steadily snapped pictures of this rather batty display, seemed immensely terrified and quite ready to relieve himself on his trousers once paired with the very-much-not-grieving Bellatrix Lestrange. "Oooh, I got an ickle one here," she said. Her voice turned sinister when she continued, "C'mon poppet, let's go and have some fun!" She practically picked the tiny young man up and tucked him under her arm as she carried him away. Oh well, that was his problem now. Onward!
"Harry Potter!" Ah, Potter – this should be fun. The Fortuitous Fool who Defeated the Dark Lord strolled up to the platform with all of the courage he must have shown in the final battle. He took a deep breath and scanned his eyes over the crowd. I must say his bravery, or foolishness, betrayed no other emotions on his face. Oh, the delight I felt as I watched his face contort into one filled with horror and disbelief when his new betrothed's name was called: "Lavender Brown!" I watched the young, chipper witch bounce up to the platform, snatching Harry's hand into her own. She was dragging him away, as she called out behind her, "Come Ree-Ree! Lav-Lav's going to take such good care of you!" Even from where I sat, her squeal still made me cringe… However, I felt the strangest sensation burning up from the pit of my stomach that quickly spread through my chest. I heard the strangest sound coming from – well, me. I was laughing! Oh, it'd been so long! This was a riot! Oh, Sweet Merlin, thank you for this! Oh, who is next?
Dolores plucked another heart shaped piece of paper from the goblet and called out a rather unexpected name: "Severus Snape!" What in Merlin's Beard was this? My body felt compelled, as if pulled by a tether wire to walk forward and up onto the stage. No wonder everyone had looked terrified… and now it was my turn.
Dolores called out the young witch's name: "Luna Lovegood!" The young Ravenclaw joined me on stage and tentatively took my hand… and immediately started blathering on about nargles and crumpled-horn snorkaks as she led me off of the stage.
Oh, bloody hell.
A/N: I know Umbridge was acting a little OOC, and I hope I explained it well enough with an Imperius curse. Please, don't beat me up too harshly over this. I read in another author's "fic" about "Rules for Reading a Harry Potter Fic" about how everyone should AVOID Marriage Law fics like the PLAGUE. (I should have put it on my favorites list so I could have referenced it! Sorry to that author! Please write to me if I'm referencing you!) The writer had mentioned how they're all pretty much Hermione getting pawned off on someone and making the best of it, and eventually falling for the one she's married to. Well, I wanted to nod to that, and kind of parody the whole genre… (especially since the author asked if anyone else was ever involved in marriage law fics other than Ms. Granger.) Hope I've made you laugh, which was my intent all along. Until we meet again – Z.