An: this is for the challenge on Chit Chat round two. Its a songfic (duh!) with the song February Song by Josh Groban (serously go listen to it, its great). I have blatantly used some lyrics from the song. Thanks to Flashpenguin for betaing ;)
Disclaimer: I own nothing remotely related to criminal minds, cbs or the song February song.
February song
It was a cold windy February morning. Derek Morgan was making his way through the busy NY streets. Hands in his pockets and deep buried in thoughts he didn't realize he was stepping out in front of a car. The car came to a sudden stop and he exclaimed, "Hey, I'm sorry man".
The driver just swore drove on. Derek had been like this the entire morning, he'd been slow, oblivious and he had snapped at Tamara and the kids more than once. Today was February the 23rd; exactly nine years after Derek had called the New York field office and said yes to their offer about leading the office, and thereby leaving the BAU.
Honest to God he couldn't say he didn't miss it; the BAU, profiling, catching Unsubs. And more important he couldn't say he didn't miss them; Emily, JJ, Rossi, Garcia, even Hotch.
And most of all Spencer Reid.
And no matter how much he told himself that he'd left because he couldn't stand SSA Jonathan White, it of course was a lie. He hadn't kept in touch with any of them. And he didn't even have an excuse.
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The morning of the 24th Dr. Spencer Reid was lying in bed watching the sunrise over the Las Vegas strip. Oddly enough he had an overpowering sense of melancholy.
Ten years.
Ten years was a long time. There had been a time where he wouldn't had believed he could go more than a week without the family that the BAU had made.
Now JJ was the only one he had contact to, and it was more out of a sense of duty, he was Henry's godfather after all, but the phone calls and get-together had been further and further apart lately.
He snuggled closer to Austin, with whom he was sharing a king sized bed in a hotel room on the Las Vegas strip, desperately trying , and failing, to repress the far to vivid memories of one Derek Morgan.
Spencer walked out of Hotch's office with a sad yet determined frown on his face. He headed directly towards Derek who was standing in the small kitchenette preparing his coffee. It was late and the bullpen was otherwise empty.
Spencer stopped about half a meter behind Morgan and stated to Derek's back, "Derek, I'm moving to Nevada."
Morgan turned around. "What did you say pretty boy?"
Spencer sighed and rephrased, "I've just quit. I'm moving back to Las Vegas."
Derek stared at him dumbfounded. He moved towards Spencer and ended up staying so close to him as he could without actually touching. "Why?" he asked, it was the only thing he could say. They were now standing so close that they were breathing the same air.
Spencer brought his hands up to rest on Derek's shoulder and said, almost breathless, "I just can't do this job anymore, Derek. I never wanted to let you down, but I can't seem to find my ground. I was never meant for this kinda of job. I just feel empty inside, and I can't..." Spencer broke off.
Derek ran his thumb across Spencer's face and asked, "But babe, if you're moving to Vegas what about me? Us? I suppose I could move to Vegas but…" He stopped talking, the answer evident on Spencer's face.
Spencer took Derek's hand in his. "Derek" he stated, "this job. I feel like I'm in this big deep hole and I keep falling and falling, and honey I'm afraid that if we stay together I'll keep falling as I try to get away from this crazy world. I did love you, but you must forgive me when I slip away."
And with that Reid broke away. There were no sudden exclamations of love, hate or grief. Just Spencer Reid emptying his desk, feeling Derek Morgan's eyes follow him every step of the way.
Austin snuggled closer to him and mumbled: "Happy anniversary" and kissed him tenderly on the mouth. When she gave Spencer his mouth back he laughed and said, "It's not our anniversary until tomorrow"
"I know," she mumbled and rolled on top of him. "But I thought we could start celebrating a little early." She kissed him again, but he didn't respond.
He nervously mumbled, "You know what, Austin, I don't really feel like, you know…"
She saw the grief in his face and asked tenderly, "Nightmares?" while stroking his hair softly.
He sighed. "Yeah, nightmares."
She immediately could tell that something was off, but didn't call him on it. Instead she kept stroking his hair and then stated: "Honey, for all its worth, I'm glad you quit that job at the FBI." When he didn't respond, she continued talking- afraid she'd said something wrong. "I'm gonna go out and order some food." With that she left him to his sunrise and melancholy.
He stared after the wonderful, sexy, pretty woman he'd gotten to married him. Tomorrow was their six year anniversary. Tomorrow was Austin's, but today… Today was the one day a year he allowed himself to think about Derek, what he had, what he lost, what could have been. The one day he allowed himself to regret.
Of course he loved Austin, but there was a fine line between loving someone, and being in love with someone. Austin was in most ways like a sister to him- albeit a sister you slept with- okay he wasn't even going to go there. God he was fucked.
He slowly pulled himself out of the bed and followed Austin to get some food.
Later that day as they were driving to Benninngton, Austin squished his hand and kissed it as she said softly, "It's going to be okay honey." Lately, Diana's illness had taken a drastic turn for the worse and the doctors had told them that she did not have much time left. Inwardly Spencer was terrified, but he wasn't one to show weakness in that way.
When they arrived at Benninngton the doctors told him that Diana was lucid and would be thrilled to see them, but apparently she wasn't entirely lucid, since when she saw them she stood up and exclaimed: "Spencer, how good to see you! And what a lovely lady you've brought to meet me."
Nervously Spencer re-introduced Austin to his mom. They sat down and Diana asked, "So how did you meet? Through Spencer's job?" Austin glanced at him and chooses to answer, "Yes we did."
"Oh good, but Spencer, my son, I would really wish that you would quit that awful job of yours."
Spencer cleared his throat and answered, "I did mom," the emotion thick in his voice. Austin sent him a questioning glance and he shook his head. Diana didn't notice.
The whole drive to the hotel Spencer was silent. Somewhere along the way Austin couldn't take it anymore and said, "Now I can't stop thinking about when we got together."
Spencer looked at her and said, "First time or second time around?" with a mischievous grin, although there where the slightest hint of something else in his eyes. Then more serious he said, "Me too".
But that was a lie, and he felt disgusted at how easy it had slipped of his tongue. It was an entirely other first-time he was thinking about; it had been at the end of a case in north Arkansas that they had come together. They never told the team about them, and looking back it was incredible that they had been able to keep it a secret; they had done some thoroughly stupid things (like sex in the men's room).
Suddenly he turned to Austin and said, "I love you." Even after 6 years Austin blushed, he didn't often say things like this, and never this spontaneous. As he watched Austin blush a nagging voice inside him told him that it was a lie.
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"Thank you for calling Mrs. Reid… Yes I'll make sure to tell the rest... no it's not a problem...yes I'm sure. I'll see you then." JJ all but slammed the phone down.
From across the living room Will looked up from his newspaper. "Honey, what's wrong?"
JJ turned around, tears in her eyes. "Will, do you remember Spencer Reid?"
He frowned and then replied, "Oh yeah, the genius boy."
Suddenly, JJ started really crying. "He died Will."
Will stood and leapt to the other end of the room in order to hold his crying wife. But the frown deepened and he asked, "He couldn't have been that old, could he?"
JJ answered trying to stifle her tears. "No, will, he died- 54 years old! A heart attack, the doctors say that it's probably those dammed drugs fault." Will hadn't known that Reid had been on drugs, but wisely chooses not to say anything.
When she had finally got herself together, she proceeded to call the rest of the team. Somehow she even found Elle's number on her phone, but when she tried calling Morgan he apparently had changed his phone number. She debated with herself for some time about whether or not she should try finding his new number, but decided against it. He hadn't been that close to Reid anyway, at least he hadn't tried the slightest to keep contact when they both had quit. She sighed, succumbing to tears.
Spencer Reid died on a cold February night, and Derek Morgan had no idea.