Ugly
September 20th 2014
Based on "Ugly the Cat", Plot by Elise the Writing Desk, Characters by QuinRose

I wonder if it's a sin to be ugly?

If it is, then does that mean I'm cursed? I'm just a cat...why would God want to curse me? Of course He doesn't.

It's just that...maybe if I'm clean, maybe if my fur is perfect, my front paw isn't broken and my left eye is still there..then someone would want to pet me.

Ah, I smell something good! Mm, it's nearby...oh that trashcan!

I carefully try to jump to the empty boxes beside it. It's kind of difficult since I can't use my front paw, but that delicious fish is waiting for me inside!

I climb and climb, and finally got to the edge of the trashcan. Oh, that raw fish looks terrific...It will keep me going for days!

I pause, hearing a growl behind me. I hiss, realizing that a bigger cat came, also wanting my newfound treasure. Of course, despite being small, I fight.

What do I have to lose anyway? I'm just a kitten. No, I'm a cat! I have to think like a big cat to win.

Today, I have to trade my tail for that fish. That big cat bites it off, it was really painful and I can only hiss in pain, but I manage to escape with my fish!

I can still live with wish rather than eating my own tail!

~.X.~

Today I got bitten by a dog. I lost my right ear. It hurts a lot! Now this is bad...no one's going to pet me...I see a man is watering his lawn, and I look into my reflection on the puddle by a trashcan. I look really horrible.

Ah, but that's okay. I'm sure there will be someone who will pet me!

Suddenly, I feel really wet, and I look up to see the man is yelling at me and squirting water with his hose to me.

Why? I'm just sitting here...I'm not stealing your food or pooping on your lawn, right? I'm healthy.

"Get off my lawn!" he stomps towards me.

But this isn't your lawn. This is the pedestrian. Though I have to run once I see him trying to hit me with his sandals.

I don't understand.

Did I do something wrong?

~.X.~

I stop before the glass window of an Italian restaurant. I try to brush my head with my right paw. I do try to look nicer, but it'd be easier if only I didn't lose my left paw. Though I guess there's nothing I can do with my sores over my head. Or my scabs on my shoulder.

Maybe my owner will come, and things will be alright again.

I hope he'll come soon. I miss him.

I miss mum. I miss warm milk. I miss getting pet.

I want to be pet! I guess I'll put up with that. I look around and see across me, a playground.

Children! They love cats!

I run across the street and spy on them between the grass. I remember my owner also had a kid and she loved to play with me! I hope I can be friends with these ones...!

"Ooh! A kitty!" One of the kids picked me up and I purr in happiness. It's really warm. I love this. I feel safe.

I suckle on his shirt, and he giggles. However, not too long, I hear someone is yelling.

"That's one ugly cat!"

"Eww!" follows the others. A woman comes angrily, and the kid throws me from his hands. I just sit there.

What is it? Do they want to take turn holding me? I'd be happy!

I love anyone!

"It's dirty! You'll get sick, Mary!"

"Oh, mum! Don't call me that in front of my friends!"

I meow and try to snuggle at the woman's feet. She yelped and kicked me away.

Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you...Okay, I'll approach carefully.

"Go away! Ugly!" the boy who just held me in his hands suddenly threw pebbles at me. The other kids laugh and begin to join him.

Pebbles!? I quickly curl to hide my face.

I'm sorry! I meow. I'm so sorry! I won't do it again!

I won't do it again!

It hurts.

Please! Stop! It hurts!

What did I do?

~.X.~

I don't understand...I guess humans don't understand cats.

Maybe they didn't stop because they can't understand that I'm sorry?

Well, then, next time, I won't do something wrong!

I wish my owner will come already. I really want to be pet, but now I'm confused how to be pet without making a mistake...

I try to fix myself a little. I'm already half-blind and half-deaf, and it hurts everywhere after those kids angrily threw pebbles at me. If I look worse than this, no one will want to pet me!

I have to make sure I show that I love anyone who pets me.

Today I see some kids on the porch, playing something I don't understand. The girl is shutting her eyes saying; "Marco", blindly trying to find the boy who's saying "Polo" as an answer.

Oh, the boy is not doing anything. Maybe he's bored. I'll go and entertain him!

I run to approach him and snuggle on his feet.

"Eww! Gross!" he shrieks and kicked me away.

Oh yeah, stupid me! I surprised him! Not again...

I sit there and meow, looking up to him. The girl laugh.

"Ha! I found you, Blood!"

"Not my fault!" he protests, and looks down on me. "It's this ugly's fault!"

The girl suddenly bends down and offers her hands towards me. Oh! I eagerly runs into her hands, and she giggles, careful not to touch my scabs and sores.

I love her! She's so gentle! I begin to suckle her fingers.

"Eww," the boy shakes his head in disgust. I guess it can't be helped...I look a bit dirty.

"Hey, let's do something fun!" the girl says.

"What do you have in mind, Viv?"

~.X.~

No more.

Stop! Stop!

It hurts! It hurts!

It hurts...I'm sorry...I'm sorry!

I won't do it again!

Whatever you think is wrong, I won't do it again!

The boy is twisting my feet.

The girl is pounding my paws with rocks.

What did I do?

Is it because I'm ugly...?

I'm sorry...

Owner, please come...

Please safe me.

Somebody, please, stop this.

Owner...you're not coming, are you?

Is this why you abandoned me?

Is it because I'm ugly?

I can't even meow anymore. No one will hear me.

Who will want to come and safe me?

I'm an ugly cat.

Oh...please just kill me.

Please just stop this.

Please, please, stop and kill me.

I don't want this.

If I have to go through this all the time because I'm ugly...

Please, please just kill me!

It hurts!

"Stop it! That's so cruel!" I can't really hear...I can only hear talking. The boy is screaming angrily, the girl sounds to be in fear.

The torture stops.

It's still painful. Though I begin to feel numb.

I'm finally going away.

I feel something gentle is taking me.

Two warm hands.

A warm chest, a shirt.

Whoever you are.

I love you.

I suckle on the shirt. I want to show this person.

I love you.

Thank you for being gentle.

Thank you for being kind to me.

I don't know if I can keep showing you how much I love you.

I don't think I will last long.

It still hurts a lot, but I'll do my best!

I'm...a big cat. I'll be strong! Well, I'm just a kitten...I'll try.

~.X.~

I feel like sleeping. Sleeping in a gentle and warm embrace.

It's really...nice.

Now I understand why I'm ugly.

It's really...I'm so happy and glad someone would love me even though I'm so ugly. So broken. So gross.

Maybe if I'm not ugly, I won't be so grateful to these gentleness.

Maybe I won't understand love.

I realize I can open my eye, and I can feel my throat is dry.

I feel numb. I can't move my paws or feet. My stub that was once a tail only twitched.

I wake up in a basket filled with warm cloths.

My body is bandaged all over.

I see someone is sitting in front of me.

How long is it? I feel as if I'm sleeping for a short time, but it's already a different time than that one horrible time, seeing how the sky is bright from the window.

In front of me is a little girl. She reaches towards me.

Is she going to twist me...?

I unconsciously flinch, and she silently giggles, before gently patting my bandaged head. It's so gentle and warm, despite she's just touching my bandage. I wonder if she's grossed out to touch what's left of my fur.

But no.

Her finger trails to my chin and begins to scratch. It feels really good...It makes me happy, and I purr in satisfaction. It's really gentle.

I don't dare to move more than this.

She's so kind. What if I do something wrong? She'll hate me.

I love her.

I don't want her to hate me.

I don't even dare to ask her to love me back. It's enough that she'd touch me so gently this way. It's enough that I'm alive and...warm, healing.

I can't possibly ask for more. I shy away from her hands and carefully curl, as much as my twisted body let me.

She hums and plays with what's left of my ear.

Don't.

Didn't you hear what everyone said about me?

I'm dirty.

Don't touch me, miss.

I try to meow, but my voice is really bad, it's weak and I can only let out small squeaks.

"I'm sure you're thirsty," she says, and stands up, leaving the room.

She doesn't have to do all of this for me. Just being here and those touches...I can just die here in peace and happiness.

These warm clothes smell like her!

I begin to suckle on the clothes.

She returns, and laughs at my weird habit, and sits down again before the basket I'm in. I stop suckling.

I wonder if people actually hate me because of that. But how else am I supposed to show that I love them?

"Here," she holds up her index finger, which is wet with milk.

Is she for real...?

Is this alright? Is this really alright? Does she really allow me to suckle on her finger? The last girl whom I did that do...she twisted and broke me.

"Come on," she sticks her wet finger to my jowl, and I can't resist myself when it touches me, so I suckle on her finger.

I can feel the warm milk little by little wetting my mouth. She pulls her finger away, dipping it into a bowl of milk and let me suckle her finger again.

Again, again and again until I feel as if I've drunk normally. It's taking a long time, but she patiently keeps doing that without faltering her smile at all.

"Good boy," she says gently when I drop my head to the cloths. She wipes her finger and scratch the side of my jowl, and I purr in delight.

"Be strong, Boris," she says. "I'm going to call you Boris. When you're feeling better and you can walk around, if I call you Boris, you must come at once, okay, Boris?"

Boris. I purr even more.

I have a name.

I have a name! So my name is not Ugly anymore.

Boris.

"Boris, Boris, Boris, okay? Your name is Boris," she repeats, hoping that I will understand, and laughs. "Hehe, I'm talking to a cat. So crazy...It's okay, take it easy, Boris,"

Boris. My name is Boris. I won't forget it, of course. I look up to the girl. I love her.

I love her. I love my name she gave to me. I'm Boris.

I'm not Ugly.

I begin to fall asleep in the mattress filled by her scent. Her cloths.

Ah, I wonder...what's her name?

~.X.~

When my body begins to heal...it feels really itchy, and the girl keeps scolding me whenever she catches me trying to scratch myself.

"Boris, stop it!" she hisses and pushes my weak left foot from my ear. "Let me scratch you instead. Oh, if only I can tell you to meow if you feel itchy..."

Well...You keep saying that, I won't do that.

I don't want to burden you.

I'm sorry...but it's really itchy! Ahh! It's driving me crazy!

"Again—I told you, Boris, stop,"

I instantly stop when she begins to scratch me, and oh, did that feel good. It feels perfect. It feels sooo good.

I really have nothing to give to her. But she gives a lot of things to me. She gives me warmth, she heals me. She feeds me.

My love will never be enough to everything she's done to me.

But at least someone is happy when I suckle. Whenever she offers her fingers, she'd smile so wide when I suckle on it.

I can make her smile that much just because of it.

At least I can do something, even if it's not much.

I still don't know her name, though.

Maybe once I'm fully healed and can walk around, I will find out her name.

I wish I can know it soon.

I want to know her name. She's the person I love!

~.X.~

My owner has sisters. Sometimes they play in her room. The youngest dislikes me. She says I'm gross and ugly. The elder praises my owner of her kindness.

"You're so kind to take him in, Alice,"

"N-Not at all, not a big deal, Lorie,"

Oh, so her name is Alice! I purr in the cloths. Not a big deal? She changed my life, she's the person I love. Her kindness is a big deal for me.

I wouldn't know happiness if she didn't save me.

It took some months until I can move, albeit really slowly. Alice has to clean up after me, so as soon as I can move, I don't want to burden her to clean up my mess. I find a place outside to do my business.

Though that's when I see a man. I shiver, because he reminds me a lot of that boy who tortured me months ago.

Alice doesn't look cautious though. Did she forgot?

Though this man looks a bit different. It was a boy who tortured me, not a man. I guess he's a different person. Or I'm just imagining things.

That man often comes, he's what the people said; a teacher. He teaches Alice about a lot of things. I wonder why, but Alice doesn't go to school like the children I saw before.

Her house is big, and her yard has a confusing garden of roses.

Alice sits in front of the basket when I'm tucking myself in it.

"Boris...I think I'm in love with him, what do you think?"

Oh. I understand. Actually, I can kind of feel it too. The way she looks at him reminds me of myself. Well, that person is a human, so he can definitely makes Alice happy.

I can't. I'm just a cat that loves her.

So if only I can say 'Go for it!' in a way she can understand, that will be great!

I can only produce meows, but she laughs and pats me ever-so-gently.

"Okay, thanks for the moral support, Boris!"

I purr. I hope Alice is happy all the time.

~.X.~

I'm just a cat, but I did suffer so much, I don't really understand when to be happy, to be sad or to give up. I only can understand that I love Alice and that I can really feel genuine kindness after what I've been through. Not all cats go through this.

So one day, Alice comes into her room and drops herself to her bed without a word. I can see tears when she passes, though.

Why?

I thought she looks very happy when she's in love with that teacher.

And her love is returned. She looked happier.

But then, why is she crying now?

I sit on the cloths. What can I do?

What if she hates me if I try something?

But...I don't want her to cry. I love her. I want her to be happy.

I'll have to find out even if she'll hate me.

I jump onto her bed; something I'd never done. She rolls and looks at me tearfully. I quietly approach and lick her tear before curling to her chest and purr.

I can only cheer her up this much, this is the only way I know.

Oh. One more thing.

I begin to suckle on the fingers close to me. This usually makes her smile so wide.

Alice sniffs and her other hand comes to wrap me closer with her. I purr louder.

Don't be sad, Alice.

Don't be sad, my Alice.

Be happy, my Alice.

I wish these feelings will somehow be delivered to her.

She laughs sadly and murmurs to my head.

"Thanks, Boris," and kisses my head despite the sores.

Whenever I try to love her more, she'll always give much more.

~.X.~

Alice grows. I grow into an actual big cat. My sores are gone and my fur returns. My left paw grew into a weird way, but at least I can still walk. Alice is rarely home, as she visits school. Her sisters are also busy. Her father is never home anymore.

Things begin to change after Alice's mother passed away.

I understand her father. I'm just a cat, I know. But what I've been through taught me something much more than most cats understand.

Attachment.

If it's Alice who passed away, I'd probably grief for eternity, just like Alice's father does.

Her younger sister is angry at Alice. Sometimes she tries to hurt me when Alice isn't around, but I can escape now.

Now I don't come running into random people anymore.

I'm not a stupid kitten anymore!

Though I guess I'm always doing silly things around Alice...

One day, I hear the elder sister says this to Alice;

"Kind people don't need to hurt others, Alice. It's better to be hurt myself than hurting other...I'm already happy about that,"

This leaves an impression really deep in Alice, but she returns to her room, and I follow her. She's angry.

"Kind..." she scoffs. "That's not kind. That's just weak. Maybe that's why everyone likes her," she plays with my paw. She smiles gently. "Maybe that's why I love Lorina so much,"

I'm a cat. I'm possessive, but there's not much I can do when Alice loves other people. I just can't believe that Alice can love someone who ruins her love with her teacher years ago.

Alice is much kinder.

Oh, Alice, why can't you realize such an obvious thing?

If only I'm not a cat. I'll show you how much you worth to be loved.

~.X.~

One day, that teacher comes for a visit. I only sit by Alice's chair. I don't want her to cry again. This teacher obviously is setting his eyes on the elder sister. Her father is home for a rare chance, apparently the teacher and father know each other and decided to come here.

The elder sister is smiling but she's obviously not happy about the teacher's visit.

Alice looks not bothered at all. She's casually chatting with the teacher, and her father is just eating in the background.

Edith, the younger sister comes home. She's so tired that she drags herself to the couch and falls asleep.

Father covers the yougest girl with her coat and goes to sleep on the armchair. Lorina sends the teacher out.

I have a bad feeling.

I jump to the window frame to see the man walks away from the house. Alice goes upstairs, so I leave and follow her, because she's calling for me.

I wonder if Alice is going to cry about this meeting, so I jump onto her bed whenever I feel worried. She smiles.

"Hehe...I'm okay, Boris," she says, but pulls me into her embrace anyway. I purr and suckle her pajama.

It feels really warm. I feel really happy that she'd just embrace me whenever, without having any requirement.

It's almost like an unconditional love.

Yeah, keep convincing yourself, Boris.

I won't even dare to dream.

I won't even let Alice to love me if that's actually possible. She deserves much more than a cat.

I hear the door is locked. It's time for Lorina to sleep. The door from the room beside Alice's is closed, but not locked. The house is soon at silence again.

I begin to feel hazy and sleepy. Though my instinct isn't feeling good. I stop suckling on Alice's pajama, finding that she's already asleep.

Carefully, I slip out of her embrace and jumps out from the window.

Alice always lets her window open some inch for me to slid out and play at night.

I see a figure in the dark.

It's the teacher? What is he doing?

He takes out a key and unlocks the front door. I jump in front of him and hiss.

"Ssh! Stupid cat!"

He kicks me away, but I land on my feet.

When was the last time someone did this to me?

Though that's not what important right now. What is this man up to?

I have a bad feeling.

I have to get to Alice!

I run past the man and go upstairs, but then I realize that unlike Lorina, Alice locks her door.

I run outside and climbs the tree. I meet with the teacher going upstairs, but whatever he's going to do, I have to reach Alice first!

Alice is first priority...first priority...

When I arrive, I see the door is shaking and Alice wakes up. I stay on the window frame when the door is opened, and Alice pretends to be asleep, albeit she's shivering.

"Ah, wrong room," the teacher says and closes the door. He takes the key from inside Alice's room and locks it from outside.

I slide in and jumps onto the bed.

"Boris...what is—"

Alice gasps when she hears a scream from the room beside.

Moans of pain and passion, cries for help, cold laughter. Alice hugs me, hides beneath her blanket, shivering really hard that she's crying.

What is happening? Why is she afraid? What did that man do?

I hear the door is locked from the next room. Lorina never locks her room. Why is the teacher doing that? Alice gasps and hiccups. She gets out of the blanket and begins to try and shake the door.

"No...NO!" she wipes her eyes and goes to the wall where her sister's room is. Alice frantically bangs the wall.

"Lorina!" she cries. "Lorina! Lorie! Lorie, answer me!? Are you okay!? Lorie!"

I hear quick footsteps, something crashes downstairs and the front door is locked.

And this is what I've been feeling since dinner.

I can practically smell it.

It's smoke.

The house is on fire.

~.X,~

The house is on fire. Fire rapidly goes upstairs. I can hear screaming of pain from below. Father and Edith are there and are probably burned alive.

Alice is crying and she doesn't even know what to do when the fire reaches her door and there's no one to call.

I jump to the window and meow at her as loud as I can. Alice pants, suffocating, but looking at me, she runs and slams the window open before frantically jumps out from the second floor when I jump onto the tree's branch.

Alice groans in pain, but she's alright. I jump down from the tree, and Alice cries as she grabs me into her arms and runs, screaming for help.

Even being a cat, I know that I won't always be happy.

~.X.~

Fate is twisting oddly. There is a funeral, and Alice often faints. She's been attempting to kill herself, blaming herself for not able to save her family...she completely forgot about the teacher.

I can't do anything.

I can't make Alice happy.

I can only make her in pain.

After all she's given to me.

I don't have the right to be by her side.

"Boris, come here," Alice whispers. I always come to her window at night. She's no living in an asylum. Her only way to look at the world outside is this bar window. I slide in and jump onto her lap. "Good boy, Boris...you're a good boy. You're my only friend..." she hugs and gently strokes my fur.

I suckle on her collar, and she laughs.

Is she laughing for real?

Or is it something she does to make me feel better?

Alice is in pain.

And there's nothing I can do!

Nothing!

I don't want her to be in pain.

I don't want her to wish for death.

I want her to be happy.

She falls asleep, I leave the asylum.

I can't go back to her. I don't deserve her warmth when she's suffering.

Light comes like a shooting star when I cross the road.

Before anything, I'm already stuck and crushed by a truck.

It doesn't feel hurt at all.

But I can still pray and hope.

God, please end her suffering. Please make her forget everything. Please maker her forget every painful things that's happened to her.

Please send her to a better place.

Please make her happy.

I'm just a cat, but can't I pray as well?

I'm just a cat...why am I just a cat? If only I'm not a cat...If only...

This won't have happened. I deserve to die like this.

But Alice doesn't. She deserves to be happy.

Please make her forget.

Please.

Please send her to a better world.

Ah, the stars.

I'm numb.

The pain I feel is all for Alice's suffering.

I can't even feel the pain my crushed limbs should be emitting.

All I can feel is the pain of my sins.

I'm a useless cat. I should've stayed as Ugly.

Oh. This is the last time. It won't hurt to hope right now.

I hope I have a chance to be loved.

~.X.~

...

...

...

"...Ris...Useless Freeloader...BORIS!"

Boris snaps out awake and groans, then aims his gun at the ginger man. "What do you want, goatee!? I'm sleeping!"

"Get your ass out here! Look who's here! The Outsider!" Gowland excitedly slams the door and runs.

Boris Airay sighs. He ruffles his hair and turns to the window where he sees his reflection. For some reason, he's always closing his left eye...well, he feels as if there's nothing there. Hollow. As if he has no left eye, but actually he has. He just feel like hiding it beneath his hair, and he doesn't really understand why.

Shrugging and flexing to wake himself, Boris gets out of the bed and yawns. He's not really interested with an Outsider whatsoever.

"Oi! What took you so long!? You're so darn rude, ungrateful vermin!" Gowland yaps again, and he groans, picking his furry ear.

"Aargh, shut up old man, so who is it this Outsider? I'm not interested," he flicked his finger and looks down at the person in front of Gowland.

In front of him.

"Uh...hey," Alice Liddell awkwardly waves. She then puffs her cheeks and turns away. "Like, I didn't even ask to meet you anyway, douche!"

Boris blinks and keeps staring at her. Gowland smirks at this, and Alice begins to fidget beneath his golden stare.

"Uh, have we met somewhere?" Boris blurted out, only to make Gowland laugh his ass off.

"Whoah, most used pick-up line on the book!"

What was that? And why did Boris suddenly thought that he finally had a chance? Who is this girl? Whoever she is...

She's here to be happy. Boris will make sure of it.

It's short, huh? But I love writing it. I was crying over a post about a kitten. Guys, no matter what animals, when it's suffering will you help them out? Or at least stop those 'bullies'?

Imagine your pet being bullied to the verge of death.

Except for fish. Flush them. HAHA JUST KIDDING. Uh, not really. Derp.

Anyways, you guys probably already noticed this!

I combined Alice: Madness Returns by American McGee, a bit of Tokyo Ghoul, and the post about the Ugly Cat itself. Cyber cookies for you who gets the references!

I'm writing my final scripts for my graduation...so will you kindly pray for my success? :)