TITLE: Honest
AUTHOR: Erykah Miszti
EMAIL: erykah@hamadryad.com
WEBSITE: http://www.sweet-poison.net
SPOILERS: Up to Flooded
RATING: G
DISCLAIMER: Joss' sandbox, I'm just vacationing in it for a short time.
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Honest
by Erykah Miszti
I was going to tell him. Honest, I was.
The moment I heard his voice on the line it was all I could think of. That I could tell him the truth.
A lifetime ago, I used to daydream about this white knight who'd make everything right. Figured he'd look like Christian Slater and ride in on this big black horse and he'd take me in his arms and the whole world'd suddenly make sense.. only he didn't ride in on a horse like I expected him to.. it was more kinda like he skulked around in the shadows at the Bronze. But I was SO sure. He was the One. Mysterious and deep, even if it was kinda irritating the way he was only there half the time. Didn't matter. He was there whenever I REALLY needed him.. you know, apocalypses and all that.
I thought our love was the most important thing in the whole world. // she smiles // That nothing could touch it or break it. It would last forever because it was meant to be. Special and perfect. // she sighs//
I really did mean to tell him.
Thing is, it WAS precious and special.. but it was unreal. In my mind, it's like this dream and.. it's beautiful. You know..? Even the worst bits are like.. these special memories. So much passion. // she laughs // Such a whirlwind ALL. THE. TIME.
But now.. I don't know what's real anymore. // hangs her head // I don't think I know what love is.
I was so sure I loved Angel. I know I loved Mom. I know I love Dawn.. and Willow and Xander. I cared so much for Riley.. I thought.. no, doesn't matter what I thought, I didn't love him. But.. // sigh //
Everything's brittle now, like if I touch it.. It's all gonna break and I'll get cut up inside again. That's why I thought that seeing Angel would make everything right. // she smiles // Like it used to.
But it didn't.
Don't get me wrong, it was nice. He was kind and sincere but.. I don't know.. I just didn't find the right moment to tell him. Just didn't. That was all. I don't understand why..
// Looks down at her hands. A reassuring hand is placed over hers and she looks up at the man sat next to her on the porch steps. She gives a half laugh and smiles at him. //
I don't even know why I'm telling you all this, Spike..