"Now Champions, to your Divine Beasts! Let's show that swirling swine who's boss!"
- Daruk
"Crap, I broke a nail."
- Mio Akiyama
So the thing with the Blights ended up not really working out in Calamity Ganon's favor. Fireblight Ganon fizzled out from Daruk's protection, Windblight Ganon experienced slight turbulence from Revali's gale, Thunderblight Ganon was grounded by Urbosa's fury, and Waterblight Ganon got mopped up by a paper towel called Mipha's grace. I guess you could say Ganon was the one who learned a thing or two about weapon durability on that fateful day.
The battle was not without its tragic losses, however. Link was wounded early on, but he was cool about it. It gave everyone else a desperately needed chance to shine. King Rhoam died in the ensuing chaos, but who cares about that guy? He was better off as a mysterious hooded retro throwback to those cave sages in the original NES game. Princess Zelda quickly agreed the pros outweighed the cons after she shed tiny pixel tears.
There was fire, and there was destruction, but the Guardian crisis was swiftly brought under control. All of the autonomous laser-shooting spider-things in the world couldn't help Calamity Ganon when there was a fully assembled Divine Beast team constantly stepping on them.
But the Calamity itself was still more powerful than their worst fears had imagined. Link swung the Master Sword at him, and he deflected it like it was a twig. The Divine Beasts charged at him, and he tossed them around like really oversized animal crackers. Zelda awakened her powers to oppose him, and he just thought it was cute. For a moment it seemed like Ganon was still going to manage to pull a cheap Eiji Aonuma on them.
Just when all hope seemed lost, Ruta unleashed the proton banks in her hydrogen accelerators and everyone discovered the little giant elecan't was actually an elecould. The rest of the heroes were inspired to fight on as if all of their heart containers had been miraculously refilled just before they met their demise. Their combined efforts ensured Ganon returned to his pit of despair smelling minty fresh and wouldn't need a bath for another 10,000 years.
And so Link married his true love Mipha and Revali reclaimed his rightful place on the Star Fox team. They all lived happily ever after with many bright photo ops to come.
The End