New Divide
I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me,
I remembered each flash as time began to blur,
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me,
And your voice was all I heard,
That I get what I deserve.
Sirius Black sat alone by the willow tree the marauders always hung out around. He could no longer say "Our tree," because he was no longer considered a marauder. He had made a terrible mistake. One he could never reverse, because Remus had trusted him, and he had betrayed him. He had done the one thing he had said he would never do. He must have been sitting there longer than he thought, because where it had been a slightly cloudy day, Sirius was startled to find storm clouds, dark and ominous. As he watched the frightening sky, which still wasn't as frightening as the look on Moony's face when he heard what Sirius had done, it exploded. It began to pour, with no light drizzle beforehand. It was the type of rain that drenches a person in seconds, but Sirius stayed. He didn't care. Remus hated him, should hate him. He deserved this, to be in the rain, cold and drenched and miserable and alone.
With each flash of lightning, time blurred together more and more, with only the flashes of light registering. It was like a sign, a sign that fate had found him. How dare he love Remus Lupin, amazing and brave and always so kind and wise. How dare he have thought he was worthy even to be his friend? Sirius's bitter thoughts swirled around in his mind, and the final thing he remembered was the voice of Remus before he fell unconscious. Moony saying, "How could you, Sirius? I trusted you, how dare you betray me like this? I could have become a murderer, Siri, and you would have that crime fall on my shoulders for a bit of fun? A bit of fun, Sirius, one little prank that would have sent me to Azkaban for life, and cursed Snape to the life of a werewolf, or even sentenced him to death? Sirius, our friendship is over. I hate you, I can't bear to see you, a constant reminder of why I don't trust easily, of why I can never trust anyone. I dared to think you cared about me, Sirius, but now I know I was wrong. Go away, I can't face you right now."
Sirius turned to his friend and brother, James Potter, for support, tears in his eyes. But James just shook his head, a cold look covering the fury hidden just behind his eyes. Sirius's heart shattered with that look.
"Remus is right. How we ever thought you were one of us, I will never know. You truly are a Black after all. Congratulations, you have lived up to your family's expectations."
And then they turned and walked away together, leaving Sirius behind to collapse under the willow. "You get what you deserve..."
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Remus Lupin was, to no one's surprise, nearly as depressed as Sirius. How couldn't he be, after what Sirius had done? And yet, no one fully understood the entire reason he was so upset. It had been nearly a month since The Prank, and Remus was, to his confusion, missing Sirius more than he thought possible after what had happened. He hurt, and not only because of the betrayal. He saw the distance Sirius kept, and there was a gaping hole in the group of friends. He wanted to reach out, to fill the gap, to connect the space that had grown between the marauders. He wanted-no, needed- Sirius to give him a reason to try to cross the divide that had appeared. He wanted Sirius to prove him wrong, to help him wash the memory away, and yet he couldn't help but wonder if it would help him understand the truth of what there was between them, torn apart by this new divide.
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard, that I get what I deserve
Everything Sirius saw reminded him of Remus, brought back all the abandoned memories. He had nowhere to hide from the pain, as there was when he had to escape the pain of his family; no, this was a different pain he wanted to hide from, the kind in which he was completely and utterly alone, and it was entirely his own fault. The snow falling outside where he was walking felt like ashes in his mouth when he tried to catch the gentle flakes. It just didn't feel the same without Remus there to join him.
Sirius came face to face with Remus for the first time in a long time. He had changed his route to his classes so he wouldn't have to feel the pain of being glared at, or worse, ignored, by the boy he had fallen in love with in fourth year. The ground seemed to fall away between them so that there was a great chasm between them, and Sirius's heart nearly burst from the pain of knowing it was his own damn fault. Remus's voice echoed in his head as he turned and ran in the other direction. "You get what you deserved."
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
Remus watched as Sirius ran away from him in the corridor. Please, he thought, Please, Sirius, give me a reason that I can trust you. I want to so bad, Siri. Help me forget what you did and let us be friends again, I'll never want more again if we can just be friends... Would that this new distance between them be crossed, and let them bridge this new divide. He wanted nothing more than he wanted this, his Sirius back... but he had to remind himself harshly that he had never been his Sirius. He had never cared, never wanted anything more than a laugh. That's all Remus' future was to him, and he was dying inside to know that the person who had been his best friend had been lying all these years.
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
Sirius could barely hold back his tears as he thought about his loss. All the time he had lied to himself about his feelings, he had just lost out on time to enjoy what time he had left with Remus. Maybe he could have told him... maybe the year would have turned out different. It was now the end of the year... School was ending, and he had to go back home. And this year, he could not escape to James's house, because James would turn him away. He had to face his parents, their endless bitterness and hatred of him, their fighting, their disdain for him, alone. He had no escape. A lone tear trickled down his face. What was this, Sirius Black, crying? He never cried, not even when his own parents called him worthless and a disgrace to the family name, and yet one look, one moment of being ignored by the boy he loved, loved so much he could hardly bear it, and he was reduced to tears. Finally, after holding it in so long, Sirius gave in to the tears. He sobbed for every loss, every lie, every truth he had denied all these years, he cried out in anguish for all of his regrets, and most of all for that last goodbye that and the biggest mistake, the one too big to hide. And as he cried himself to sleep, the last thing he heard was Remus telling him goodbye. "You get what you deserve, Sirius. Goodbye."
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Remus stood unnoticed by Sirius in the doorway. He stood, completely ad utterly shocked by the pain Sirius seemed to be feeling. He felt the urge to reach out and comfort his friend - ex friend, he quickly corrected himself, wishing it could be otherwise. He watched silently as Sirius fell asleep, then stayed another minute just watching him sleep. He seemed peaceful now, and yet not quite, as if he could never really be at peace for some reason. For a purpose Remus didn't quite know, he walked as quietly toward Sirius's sleeping figure. He stopped at his bedside, then raised a hand to his face and brushed the hair out of his eyes, his hand lingering slightly longer than absolutely necessary. Remus saw Sirius's mouth lift in a slight smile, and saw some of the trouble lift from his shoulders. He couldn't help but smile a bit in wonderment at the effect he seemed to be having on Sirius. Reluctantly, he raised his hand again and walked out the door, the book he had come in search for forgotten.
The next morning, Remus awoke to find himself on the couch. He remembered he had fallen asleep there the previous night, thinking about the previous interaction with Sirius. James and Peter had already gone down to breakfast, as was indicated by the note they had left him. He heard music coming from the dormitories upstairs, though, so he made the decision to investigate. As he approached the dorm, the lyrics filtered in.
I remembered black skies, the lightning all around me
I remembered each flash as time began to blur
Like a startling sign that fate had finally found me
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
There was nothing in sight but memories left abandoned
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes across this new divide
In every loss, in every lie, in every truth that you'd deny
And each regret and each goodbye was a mistake too great to hide
And your voice was all I heard that I get what I deserve
So give me reason to prove me wrong, to wash this memory clean
Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies across this new divide
Across this new divide, across this new divide
"Siri?" Remus asked with trepidation.
Sirius looked up, distracted. Remus was startled to see tear tracks on his face. Sirius wiped them away angrily. Then his expression softened. He looked like he might begin to cry again.
"Remy, I am so, so sorry, I know that'll never be enough, I know you hate me, nothing I can do can ever make up for what I did, but please..."
Remus cut him off mid-sentence. "Sirius -I'm sorry too. We've been horrible to you, and I never realized it was hurting you."
Sirius looked bitter. "Why should you care? After what I did, I would deserve it if you hated me forever."
Remus's heart shattered at the sight of Sirius, looking so fragile, so forlorn. "Siri, I tried to hate you, really I did, but-but I can't, it's too hard." Remus added something under his breath that Sirius couldn't catch.
"I'm sorry, Remus, what was that last bit?"
"You've proven me wrong, you're already starting to wash the memory away, I want the distance between us gone, and I and to face the truth now. Sirius, I love you too much to hate you, I have for a while, I've just been denying it... I mean, I know you're straight and all that, and I don't expect you to return the feelings, but..." Remus trailed off. "I just want you to know, I forgive you. I want us to be friends again."
Sirius was silent as he tried to register what Remus had said. He... Loves me? Sirius thought about it for a moment, And... he forgives me? And so Sirius did what he had been longing to do for years. Taking Sirius's silence as rejection, Remus had begun to leave. Sirius bounded forward and grabbed his arm. "Remus, don't go." He whispered. "I love you too." And with that he pressed his lips against Remus's in a rough kiss. Remus, after the shock registered, responded, holding his friend in the first embrace in far too long.
"I love you so much."
end
A/N: I wrote this when I was about 14, quite a while ago, but I thought that I might post this anyways. This was my first ever fanfiction.