Hi everyone,
Welcome to a new chapter from the Miniaturists. The stories that will be posted over the next week are all part of a Christmas challenge to write a festive themed one-shot that is under 1500 words, so please forgive us if you get to the end and want more!
The Miniaturists are a varied bunch of writers who have been delighted to receive messages from other writers keen to get involved. If you would like to get involved with these one shot challenges, please message us through here.
Thank you to everyone who has messaged or revived to let us know that you're enjoying the writing. Your messages of support are like ink in the pen and much appreciated. We've tried to reply to reviews, but can only do so if you're logged in, so apologies if you are reviewing as a guest and haven't heard from us.
So, into today's one shot, written by the lovely Chevy Chase who previously delighted wit her very clever 'An Alternatve View'. Here's a nod and a wink to suggest you follow this account, or keep a watch out here, as there may be more coming from Chevy soon!
Enjoy!
The Twelve Days of Christmas
By Chevy Chase
Captain James and Two section on are deployment. Molly is at home and decides to e-mail the lads.
22nd December
Just to wish you all the very best for the festive season. I know you bunch of cockwombles can't have a drink or veg out on the sofa in front of the tele, but I'm doing enough of that for all of you. Look after the bossman for me and I'll see you all in February.
All my love Molly x
25th December
HAPPY CHRISTMAS LADS! Got your present of a partridge and a tree, bit unusual, but thanks for thinking of me. BTW the partridge was last seen taking off down the garden with Monty the Labrador in hot pursuit. I will get Charles's dad to help me plant the tree; they still give me the 'willies' but it will be nice if we get some pears from it.
Love Molly x
26th December
Wow a pair of turtle doves, just what I need, them billings and cooing on, while I have the hangover from hell! They've taken up residence in the tree next to the pear tree. You're all too kind.
Love Molly x
27th December
Just got rid of all the family, when the delivery man turns up with three french hens, they look the same as English ones to me, but at least I might get some free range eggs and prove to my Nan its not a myth! I've had to put them in the shed, so all the stuff from the shed is now in the greenhouse. Lads, I'm guessing bossman doesn't know you're doing this!
Molly x
28th December
FFS more bleeding birds, four calling birds to be precise and boy do they make a racket! Well they're in the garden with the rest of them and I can hear them having a go at the doves! Just wait till the bossman sees what them French hens have done to his lawn!
Starting to get irritated now boys Molly x
29th December
At least today's offering doesn't tweet! Are these rings proper? OMG I hope there not knocked off! Five of them's a bit excessive, I've put one on and I'll maybe give the rest to Nan, she'll be able to get a good price for them.
Ok Ok I get it now what you're doing it's that Christmas poem isn't it, but you can stop now, the neighbours have reported us to the council! Fingers you haven't been up to your old tricks with them rings have you?
Enough's enough, Molly x
30th December
Are you having a laugh? Six bloody geese and just what am I supposed to do with them? They can't go in the back garden as they will eat the few plants we have left. So they're in the front, hissing and spitting at everyone who walks past! At least they saw off the council inspector when he tried to get in the gate.
I hate bloody birds Molly x
31st December
Ha Ha Ha I was wondering where you were gonna get the swans from? Did you know that all swans belong to her Maj and sending seven to me might have right royally pissed her off! Still I don't think sending Mr & Mrs Swan and their five little bleeders round to knock on my door on their way to have a swim at the local leisure centre is quite the same! Bet that was the one Mansfield had to organise. I'm back on the drink lads!
Getting merrier by the minute. Molly x
1st January
Well that was pathetic! Three half cut bar maids from the 'Dun Cow' pub don't cut it as 'eight maids a milkin'! Mind the geese wouldn't let them in the front gate, so they buggered off back to the pub. They left the gate open and the geese got out and are currently terrorising the local ramblers association who are having their annual new year ramble.
Still pissed and pissed off with you lot. Molly x
2nd January
At least I can get the dog out for a walk and a pee, now that the geese have done a runner from the front garden. Got back to find your lady friends, Monk, had turned up to teach me how to pole dance and yes they did bring their own pole with them! Mind you there was precious little dancing going on once they got stuck into the bossman's red wine. Things went downhill rapidly from there.
I hate you all. Molly
3rd January
The pole dancing ladies have taken over the ground floor of the house, me and the dog have locked ourselves in the bedroom. The football team from the 'Leaping Lord' pub turned up straight after their match and made the ladies very happy. Put it this way the only dancing going on was of the horizontal variety!
Even the dog hates you Molly x
4th January
Well you've really surpassed yourselves today! A bleeding highland band turned up parading up and down our street, with bagpipes and drummers (the drummers said they were sorry to turn up a day early, but they had to get the train back to Scotland, with the pipers, tomorrow) They've got all the roads in the area gridlocked. The RSPCA are here trying to round up the geese as the ramblers have been barricaded in the local florists for 48 hours, where they took refuge when they were being attacked. The Calling Birds have invited all their friends to join them in the back garden and it is now a health hazard what with all the 'shittin' their doing. The ladies and gentlemen downstairs have eaten me out of house and home and the barmaids from the Dun Cow are back, cos there's more action here, than down the pub. The Swan family have called round asking when they will get the McDonalds that Mansfield promised them and my finger's turned green from that bloody ring! Also the bleeding neighbours have got a petition up requesting that I get issued with an ASBO!
I'm sure the boss will have such a laugh when he hears all about your little joke and how his reputation, house, garden, red wine collection and Asbo'd wife are doing while he's been away!
So here's the deal boys, if you all send me £ 500 each asap I might be able to put it all back together before you get back from deployment and I won't have to tell him what a bunch of wankers you all are.
You know it makes sense! Molly xx
PS On the bright side, the bloody pear tree has grown a foot since I got it, with all the bird shit there is out there.