NOTES: bluh bluh bluh i usually don't like or write songfics but damn. i was driving back from my sociology class and this song (Near to You by A Fine Frenzy) came on my ipod and for some reason, i instantly thought of this scenario. i wasn't gonna write it because i'm not good writing this kind of…stuff, but it was itching me and bothering me and AUGH so i wrote it. i apologize that this even exists. XD enjoy anyway? hahaha ~ oh also, happy ending yay! :v
Near to You.
He and I, it's something beautiful
but so dysfunctional it couldn't last.
Loved him so but I let him go
'cause I knew he'd never love me back.
Jade knew Dave never loved her.
It was in the lines on his face, the gaze that always looked away from her to devote their attention to John. It was the way their kisses felt cold, the way he touched her and it held that lacking quality, a missing sense of devotion and just - love. It broke her heart because she loved Dave more than she'd ever loved another human being before. She yearned to make him laugh, to break down the walls he built around his heart, to make him feel safe - but it wasn't Jade who did any of that. It was John. It was always John.
At first Jade continued to try. Dave had accepted her love but it didn't take her long to realize he was just playing along with her, humoring her affections, pretending to feel the same as her. She kept quiet about her discovery because it pained her to let him go when finally, finally, she had him in her hands. She continued holding his hand in hers, smiling and resting her body against his, sharing kisses and murmuring her soft "I love you, Dave"s. Even when the ghost of guilt entered his eyes, even when he didn't say it back, Jade still held his hand tightly and refused to let go.
"I don't understand why you're still with him!" Karkat always roared at her but Jade couldn't find it in herself to argue back. The first few times she had fought back reverently, snapping about how it wasn't any of his business; that she and Dave were a couple now and he couldn't butt his way into their love life. Yet he continued to bring it up. They could be having a discussion about dreams or an assignment due that day and suddenly he'd say it - "You deserve better." Over time it became harder for her to scream back and after months of pretending with Dave, she stopped altogether and just smiled sadly. Because she knew Karkat was right. She deserved better.
"I know," she whispered as she leaned onto Karkat's arm, closing her eyes as she felt grief wrack her body at the knowledge of what she was planning to do. "I don't know why I'm still with him, either."
Jade broke up with Dave the next day. He just nodded and didn't say anything; she finally let herself cry as she watched him walk away.
Such pain as this
shouldn't have to be experienced.
I'm still reeling from the loss,
still a little bit delirious.
Karkat was Jade's friend, the one who was always there when she felt herself falter. It hadn't always been like this. When she first entered high school he had been horrible to her friends, John specifically. He hated the guy with a passion but he wasn't afraid to throw low blows and creative insults her way when the time called for it. But somehow, after she helped him (against her better judgment) with a biology assignment in the library, he had warmed up to her and somehow they ended up just….together. Rose, John and Dave didn't like it, but they let Jade make her own judgments and choices. She chose Karkat's friendship.
He didn't like Dave but after she and Dave started dating, he became ruthless towards the blonde. He saw what Jade refused to acknowledge; Dave's feelings for John. He constantly tried to talk Jade into stopping this "heartbreaking excuse of a romance" before she really got hurt, but Jade would only get angry at him and walk away. Now, she wished she had listened to him.
"It hurts," she murmured against Karkat's shoulder, curled against him as she tried not to cry. Jade Harley didn't cry; she fought, she trudged on, she encouraged others to continue onward even if it felt like it was hopeless. Yet when it came to Dave she became a blubbering mess of a girl and it made her feel horrible. But here, pressed against Karkat's lulling warmth on his shitty leather couch, Jade realized biting back her tears was easy.
"I know," he said simply, his hand running through her messy black hair. She buried her face into his arm with a shudder, her eyes and her throat burning with an overwhelming urge to cry - even if forcing tears back was easy around Karkat, it still didn't make it hurt any less.
"I'm miserable."
"I know."
"It really hurts, Karkat. He never loved me."
"I know."
"I don't understand why he stayed with me…it just…it's so cruel…"
His voice was softer this time; "I know."
"You were right."
"I know."
Through the tears finally running down her cheeks, for the first time in days, Jade Harley laughed.
Near to you I am healing
but it's taking so long.
'Cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on.
Yeah, I'm better near to you.
Jade knew Karkat liked her - she wasn't sure about it, but she had her suspicions. Perhaps that was why she clung to him so desperately, letting him soak her in his company. He let her cry on his shoulder, he let her sulk, he let her curl up on his lap and watch shitty romcoms and he never once complained about her movie choices. He didn't mind because if it made her happy, he'd do anything.
Jade adored Karkat, more than she thought she did, and she realized this over time. She realized this from the way he humored her whimsical stories, the way he smiled at her, the way he softened around her - only her - and didn't flinch away from her touch like he used to. Even his friends noticed it - Jade remembered when Terezi, cackling like always, told Jade that Karkat had "gone soft" for her and wondered what was so amazing about some "little girl in stupid glasses!"
"I don't know," Jade had replied quietly, because she really didn't. All she knew was that being with Karkat made her forget Dave, even if only for a little bit.
Well, you and I, it's something different
and I'm enjoying it as cautiously.
I'm battle scarred and I am working oh so hard
to get back to who I used to be.
Jade stopped talking to John and Dave; she avoided them during school and blocked them on Pesterchum. She did talk to Rose but whenever Rose began to psychoanalyze her Jade shut down, refusing to acknowledge Rose and just…pretending this wasn't real, this wasn't happening, that everything wasn't falling apart even though she begrudgingly acknowledged that yes. It was.
Jade began to rely solely on Karkat.
He let her cling to him, drag him around to do things with her, to distract her from her heartache. His gruff, violent personality made her laugh like always and it was easy to forget about Dave and John and the things she left behind. Slowly, slowly, spending time with Karkat made her strong again. She gathered up the courage to message John - GG: I'm sorry - and everything began to come together again. John forgave her, nervously giggling about how he understood it had to be awkward after breaking up with Dave, to be around the whole group and act like nothing happened. She was angry, angry John didn't understand his part in this, but she couldn't bring herself to confront him.
Dave was easier; just like when she told him she wanted to end this relationship, he just shrugged and took it in stride. "No need to get your panties all bunched up Harley," he said (and it hurt Jade just a little that he was calling her by her last name again). "We're cool."
Throughout all of this, there was Karkat. He was just…there. He didn't even have to do anything except be there. Be his grumpy, jerk-face self, and that was enough to help Jade heal. It was slow, it was painful, but she managed to begin to fix what she had foolishly broken. She was able to smile around John again, laugh at Dave's stupid raps, let Rose try to get into her head without blowing her top - no, Jade didn't do that anymore, and it was thanks to Karkat.
He saved her.
He's disappearing
fading steadily.
When I'm so close to being yours
won't stay with me,
please?
Jade was scared to think about loving Karkat.
After Dave, she didn't know if she could take a risk again. But Karkat was so steady and he was there for her, he had always been there for her, and she could feel the pain and the love for Dave beginning to disappear. She saw Karkat's frustrations whenever she gazed at Dave, whenever she laughed with him, and she wanted to just hold him and tell him to wait a while longer. She was slowly beginning to forget, and when she did forget, she would try with Karkat. She was willing to try again.
But it was so, so scary.
"Karkat," Jade said because she wanted to know, to be sure that Karkat wouldn't leave her, not now, not when she was so close to healing. Even though she knew the scar Dave left behind would always be with her she knew that Karkat would be the one to cover it up for her, to show her what it felt like to actually be loved. "Karkat, you'll stay with me, right?"
He looked at her, his expression startled, and Jade couldn't help but let a high-pitched giggle escape her lips. She was used to Karkat always looking grumpy and angry, save for the times when his face would go soft whenever Jade was upset, but seeing him so surprised just struck her as really, really funny.
"Why is that funny?" he asked with a scowl. Jade just giggled again. "Yeah."
Jade slipped her hand through his, tilting her head at his words in confusion. He squeezed her hand, a blush staining his cheeks. "What do you mean?" she asked, momentarily forgetting her earlier question.
"Yeah, I'll stay with you. I'll always be with you like an obnoxious blood-sucking leech, so don't even try to get rid of me Harley."
Jade threw back her head and laughed.
'Cause near to you I am healing
but it's taking to long,
'cause though he's gone and you are wonderful
it's hard to move on.
Yet I'm better near to you,
yeah, I'm better near to you.
Jade realized with a jolt that it had been almost a year since she broke it off with Dave, and it barely hurt anymore. There was still a sting in her chest, a dull ache whenever she remembered, whenever she saw Dave's soft, adoring eyes aimed at John, but it didn't sting. She didn't cry anymore. Karkat was with her and she wanted to try, she wanted to try again with all her heart.
"Jade," Karkat said and Jade looked up from her school agenda, pen hovering above today's date - May fourth - and smiled ruthlessly, overbite and all. Karkat's lips twitched as if containing smile, like he always did whenever Jade grinned at him like that. "Class ended ten minutes ago, do you plan to sit there staring at your desk like a fucking braindead Egbert for the rest of the day?"
Jade let a giggle escape as she shut her agenda. "Nope!"
"Good."
She slung her bag over her shoulder and approached Karkat, hesitating. "Hey, Karkat? We should go see a movie tonight."
"It's a weeknight."
Jade grinned. "Since when was mister Vantas all about being a good student?"
"I'm talking about you!" he sputtered then blushed when he realized what he insinuated. "I mean, you're obsessed with perfect attendance and - fuck it, let's see a movie."
Still smiling Jade paused in front of him, realizing how tall he really was. She reached out to touch his shoulder and stand on her tip-toes - because gee, Karkat was tall! - and kissed him, very gently and very lightly, on the corner of his mouth. "Tonight it'll be a date."
She pulled back and grinned at his wide eyes, gaping mouth, and scarlet-colored face. Then she rolled back onto her heels, waved once, and rushed out of the classroom to go home and pick out a new outfit. A first date outfit.
I only know that I am better where you are.
He was holding her hand and Jade was smiling.
She didn't even care that the movie they were watching was horrible, or that the soda she convinced Karkat to share with her had become so full of melted ice it probably tasted like water, and she didn't care that she loved Dave so much at one point in her life that she had been willing to throw away the people she cared about - all she cared about was here and now. That Karkat had saved her back then. That he was saving her now. That she would always be better with him.
He made her strong again and she loved him, she finally admitted she loved him, and she was willing to risk heartbreak again. For him. She'd be willing to risk a lot for Karkat.
And he was holding her hand and Jade was smiling and everything is perfect.
I only know that I am better where you are.
"This is our third date," Jade announced, giggling when Karkat jarred suddenly in surprise. So suddenly in fact that his fork went flying and bounced off a passing waiter's leg. Jade chortled and smacked her hand over her mouth with a toothy grin, looking at Karkat in bemusement.
"You counted?" he asked, scowling at her grin as he pretended he was totally not the one who nearly tripped a waiter carrying a tray full of drinks. Nope, not this guy over here, so totally innocent.
"Duh. Don't pretend you didn't know either," Jade beamed. "Everyone knows how obsessed with romance you are!"
Karkat continued scowling.
"Want to make it official?"
His scowl dropped and he just stared, all intense eyes and flushed cheeks and - and - was that hope she saw in his eyes? Happiness? She took a shaky breath, the weight of what she was doing hitting her full force but she just didn't care anymore.
"Karkat, be my boyfriend?" Her voice came out tiny, bashful, and Jade hadn't meant for it to come out that way. But Karkat liked it - her coy mutter - and she could tell because he was actually smiling and it wasn't a sad smile or a pitying smile, it was a real smile. A happy smile.
"Just know I will never let you go. I'm not a fucking moronic pillow biter like Dave who let something as incredible as Jade fucking Harley slip through his fingers."
Jade knew she shouldn't cry in this situation, but she did, and then she started to laugh because Karkat leaned across to table to kiss her and wipe her tears away with his thumb and he got food all over his nice shirt
but neither of them cared.
I only know that I belong where you are.
GG: dave
GG: i know its been a year since we broke up but i never actually talked to you about it
GG: i really did love you.
GG: i loved you so much
GG: so much that even though i knew you didnt feel the same way
GG: that you never would
GG: i stubbornly refused to let you go
GG: i am sorry for that.
GG: im sorry i refused to realize it wasnt me you loved
GG: i feel like i held you back, like i guilted you into it
GG: but that doesnt matter anymore because i love Karkat now
GG: and i know you dont like him but hes an amazing guy! :)
GG: i know you guys will get along
GG: because i want you to be a part of my life!
GG: were best friends and the past doesnt matter anymore
GG: karkat and i are dating now! We're a couple!
GG: so play nice daaaave! :(
GG: obviously youre away from the computer
GG: wow i really rambled there! lol!
GG: well i guess i'll go now. karkat just came online.
GG: i love you dave!
GG: i always will! :)
- gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] -
TG: wow i was away for five fucking minutes and you go off on a tangent
TG: damn harley you type fast
TG: im happy for you
TG: and i love you too
TG: unironically
TG: so that should make you realize how serious this shit is
TG: ….i hope he makes you happy harley
TG: you deserve that
I'm better near to you.