The Rutabaga Squad

Yusuke and Kuwabara have an obsession with Rutabagas…and old noir films. What happens when the two meet? Contains Number two as a character, who will be referred to as "#2". I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.

Blues Brother's Music: Peter Gunn Theme

Yusuke: The names Urameshi, Yusuke Urameshi, and I'd just come back for a long walk on the streets of Maiaki, busting a vegetable deal, and I needed all the winks I could get. I was just about to doze off when a screaming blonde banged the door down. This blonde was hot stuff, literally. She had fire coming out of her ears. I knew this lady, she was a demon with serious anger management problems, and her husband was a famous gangster, who was known for makin' enemies like he made a sandwich, slicing them thin. The guy sent me to the hospital so many times; I started getting frequent dyer miles, redeemable for blood and IV at the counter. I was in for trouble, and I knew it. So when she said-

#2: YUSUKE, WHO BROKE MY ROSETTA STONE!

Y: -it looked like a good time to plead the Fifth.

2: Yusuke, Yusuke, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Y: The next thing I knew, Benny Goodman's band was playing "Sing, Sing, Sing" with a bazillion drummers and the loudest acoustics in the business. I opened my eyes to see the imposing hubby, all 4'8'' of him, looking down at me. He goes-

Hiei: Urameshi, where is my wife's Rosetta stone? Tell me where it is or I will send you to an early grave-

Y: They were very persuasive, so I took the case, and a few bruises. Then, I made a call to my partner, codenamed "Pug Ugly"

Phone Rings

Kuwabara: Hello?

Y: Pug Ugly? This is Rutabaga 'n' Chief. We got Mr. and Mrs. Temperamental in the hot seat. 10-4, and the crow only sings when the rabbits are out to play.

Kw: You've gone insane. I'll call Keiko.

Y: Right. Hangs up. Does a double take. Keiko, my girlfriend. Now that's a brunette who packs a punch better than she packs her suitcase, or her assets, for that matter. A real hum-dinger-

H: Hurry up, Urameshi.

2: I WANT MY ROSETTA STONE!

Y: I told them they should go cool off somewhere chilly, like Antarctica, but the guy didn't take kindly to that idea. I was just about to introduce my fist to his face when my partner walked into the room. He said-

Kw: Yusuke, what do you want?

Y:-he had Keiko with him, and she looked more worried than a sack of potatoes.

Kw: I told you he's lost it.

Keiko: Should I have brought the straightjacket?

Y: Don't worry baby, after I close this case, we'll go down to our favorite club and open another case or two-

H: URAMESHI!

Y: So I was escorted down to the crime scene. There, busted up on the carpet, was the evidence. The fragments were so badly shattered you could call them ashes, and it's owner was in a state of shock.

2: Idiot.

Y: I knelt down to examine the evidence. Suddenly, I heard the click of a .45 aimed at my head. The Temperamentals were in league with my girl and Pug Ugly! And all they wanted was a patsy to pin the crime on!

K: Yusuke, How could you!

Kw: Why'd you shatter the weird stone thingy with a spirit gun?

2: HOW COULD YOU! I WORKED SO LONG!

Y: It was time to exit stage right. I decided to introduce them to the man who lives in my finger. He was very fast, and when he hit you it hurt like being hit by blue lightning. My friend is an eloquent speaker, and he made one profound statement while I exited.

H: Urameshi, where are you going? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Y: As I raced up the steps to my office, I tried to paste the clues together. Suddenly, it clicked. No, that was the .45, which the short brute chasing me was pointing at my head.

H: You shot your spirit gun at my wife's stone, then at my wife. Do you have a death wish?

Y: I told him I had other wishes besides death, and then I slammed the door to my office, and bolted it with a bullet-proof chair. By this time, I had figured out the perp, but I felt that was under no obligation to reveal his identity. Besides, he was a loyal friend of mine, right Puu?

Puu: PUU!

THE END