Villain Filler: The Musical!
Note: These chapters are not part of an overreaching story. They are little mini-fics that really relate in no way, other than that they feature the same two characters doing silly things. Over and over and over. Bezo, stop giggling.
If you attempt to find a deeper meaning, or even a coherent plot, you will give yourself a headache. This has been fair warning. :)
I figure, this is what I'll do with all my sillier Wendy/Joker pieces, instead of uploading 17 drabbles a day, and making everyone on hate Rhianwen. That is, until introduces a rule, stating that all entries must have a coherent plot.
If this happens, I fear we are all screwed.
Title: Twilight of the Bunnies
Summary: Wendy's training in the ways of villainy is progressing nicely, but there is still one more obstacle left to overcome…
Timeline: A year or so before ROD the TV
"Sir?" Wendy ventured timidly as the car bounced merrily along the country road.
Joker glanced at her from the passenger side.
"Hmm?"
"Well, I just wondered, what exactly is the last part of my training, that entailed a long, leisurely drive through the country in the middle of the day?"
He smiled kindly, considering and dismissing the suspicion that she was questioning his judgment. She was simply asking, that was all. She would never make fun of him - after all, what was there to make fun of?
"Wendy, you've been making excellent progress lately, setting aside all that is good, wholesome, and innocent. I've had particular fun in helping you get rid of that innocence thing. However, you're still one crucial step away from true villainhy. We are out here to help you take that step. One final test," he said solemnly, "and you'll be as much of a right bastard as I am."
"Oh, good," she sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose lightly. "Just what I've always wanted."
"Yes, well, I've been the object of admiration before," he said, his tone heavily implying that if characterization had not still been a concern, however minor, he would be hitching up his belt.
I really ought to be horrified at the idea of devoting blind and unwavering loyalty to such a yutz, she reflected, shaking her head sadly, but he's just so cute when he's arrogant. Constantly.
"Ah! I think we're in sight of our goal," he announced, breaking her out of her short trance.
"Right; what do I do?" Wendy asked, glancing briefly at him before returning her attention to the road in front of her.
"Do you see the bunny rabbit sitting in the middle of the road just up ahead?"
She peered carefully out the windshield, then yelped in delight.
"Ohh, it's so cute! Look at its floppy little ears!"
"I'm going to assume that to be a 'yes,'" he chuckled.
She sighed.
"Yes, I see it."
He smiled.
"Good. Now, speed up to exactly seventy-seven kilometers an hour, and run over it."
She stared at him in wide-eyed confusion.
"Em...what?"
"Hit the bunny."
"You want me to run over an innocent little bunny rabbit?"
"Ah, but do you know for certain that it's innocent, Wendy?"
"Oh, I see! This bunny is a fiendish enemy of Mr. Gentleman!" she surmised, glaring fiercely at the little fuzzy creature watching the approaching vehicle curiously, its head tilted adorably to the side.
"What? No, it's just a randomly chosen bunny rabbit that happened to be on the road at the moment."
"Then why on earth would I want to hurt it?"
"Wendy, you have to do this if you want to reach your full potential of cold-blooded evil."
"But, Mr. Joker, it's looking at me with big sad shiny bunny-eyes!"
He sighed heavily.
"Yes, Wendy, I see them. Now, aim for those big sad shiny bunny-eyes, and accelerate. And be ready for a bit of a squish."
"But that poor innocent bunny! Maybe, if it was a really mean, antisocial bunny that went around making fun of all the other bunnies and stealing their carrots, I might be able to. But not if it's just an innocent little bunny who's just trying to live his little bunny-life undisturbed!"
"I don't think I've ever heard so many gratuitous uses of the word 'bunny' in one statement in my life," Joker reflected curiously. "But, unfortunately, in the meantime, we have passed our bunny."
"Oh, thank goodness!" Wendy sighed in fervent relief.
"Ah, you have much to learn about villainy, my dear," he sighed, patting her shoulder gently. "You see, this was all a test. That wasn't actually a real bunny. And by failing to run over the artificial bunny, you have very decidedly failed."
"Artificial?" she exclaimed, slamming on the brakes.
"Ack!" Joker wanted to say as he was thrown violently forward, but could not, as this would have robbed him of far more dignity than he was willing to sacrifice for a simple thing like his secretary going suddenly and inexplicably insane.
"Good God, Wendy, was that really necessary?" Joker actually said as the blonde threw the car into reverse, looked carefully over her shoulder, and stepped on the gas again. He nodded curiously as the car shot suddenly backwards down the road. "Yes, we are going to die. No question about it this time."
"Hold on," Wendy requested. "I've almost got it…almost…almost…there!"
Joker sighed.
"You stopped and backed over it, just because it's not a real bunny?"
"Will I still earn partial marks?" she asked, eyes wide and pleading.
"I'll see what I can do," he said, lips twitching slightly in attempt to hold back a smile. "Now, how would you react if I told you it was, instead of a real bunny, merely a cat wearing little bunny ears?"
She stared at him in horrified astonishment for several moments, during which he once again reconciled himself to the certainty of his own death as the car swerved wildly about the road.
"But you said it wasn't a cute, fuzzy little creature!" she wailed.
"No," he corrected calmly. "I said it wasn't a bunny."
"A cat's even worse!"
"Yes, but the fact remains that you still ran it over with the car," Joker said with an approving smile. "I'm proud of you. We'll have to celebrate later."
"That poor little cat! I feel awful! And just because it wasn't – I'm sorry, what?"
"How would you feel about another desktop session, just to take care of those last shreds of innocence that I might have missed the first several dozen times?"
She considered this for a long moment.
"Can I use the straps on you this time?"
"Of course not!" he replied with a hearty laugh. "What a silly idea! However," he added hastily as her expression grew despondent, and the unpleasant possibility of being left to his own devices and cold showers by a pouting female became rapidly more likely, "if you like, I'll let you use the whip."
Her eyes grew wide and starry.
"Really?"
"Just this once."
"Yes, Sir," she murmured, flushed and giddy.
And with that, she returned her full attention to the business of driving, and now that he was no longer busy fearing for his life, Joker found a moment to smirk and think to himself,
Ah, she's so conveniently predictable…we'll have her kicking puppies in no time.
End Notes: Yup, that's right. The last step to true villainy is a healthy indifference to all things absurdly cute. Especially when you're going up against Yomiko.