Tales from Weasley's Wizard Wheezes
Introduction to the Series
After a summer of many huge, long arguments with Mrs. Weasley that rattled the Burrow, the famous masters of practical jokes, Fred and George Weasley, got fed up. They moved out in the middle of July, leaving the rest of the family broken-hearted.
In the Burrow, things were glum. Their room with their twin beds was reserved for a guest room, as Harry Potter came over frequently during the summer. He knew he couldn't stay in one place for long, as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was after him.
Fred and George Weasley disappeared for a week, and had rented a store in Hogsmeade when they were again seen. Their store was three rooms. A door opened in to the main one from outside, and the other one was a small alcove that opened into the first one. The last was kept separate from anything else by a door marked "Employees Only." Any non-employee who tried to pass through that door turned in to a giant nose and was thrown out of the store (literally). Within five seconds, the human was back to normal.
The first room was the main room of the store, where all the main jokes were housed. On shelves, on tables, anywhere you can think of. Many were simply levitating. A table housed fake quills, which were enchanted to write the opposite of whatever you wanted to. Animal creams and fake wands abounded, and fake tissues glued to your face. An idea by Harry Potter made fake roses spit water at you, and plates were enchanted so they shattered at the slightest touch.
In the second room laid the special of the month. It was only made and could only be ordered this August, and in September, a new product came out that was only made and could only be ordered this September. A new animal cream came out every month for a month as well. There was also a special table of order forms, suggestion boxes, and work applications, next to a Floo fireplace. A battery-powered muggle television was always on, picking up signals from Comedy Central in America. (They had the Ministry's permission to enchant one thanks to Mr. Weasley.) On the westernmost wall, on the top, lay an inscription:
This store is dedicated to Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world
Fred and George Weasley
****
The Rogue Cream
****
This was the first time I had met the Weasleys. As a student at New York University of Magic, I needed a final essay. Hopefully, I would get full marks for the research done on this project.
"Mr. Weasley," I asked, looking at the jolly old man across the dinner table, "I've been wondering about some of your historic mistakes. I have heard about your first episode, which happened soon after you opened the store. I believe it concerned some kind of Muggle-"
I was interrupted by a laugh from Fred Weasley. "Yes, I know which one you're talking about. . . ."
"Business is booming, Fred! Look at the store!"
Fred was asleep on his special planning counter. The Weasleys had put their heart and soul into the store, including all their money, and the slept in their special room marked Employees Only. George had gotten up early today, to open the store for the first time.
"Fred?" George tore his eyes away from his customers to look inside.
"What is it?" a sleepy, grumpy voice snapped.
"Fred, we have customers."
It took less time for Fred to wake up and dash through the store than it did to Apparate five feet. In the second room, he realized, among the laughter of their first customers, that he was still in his pajamas. The battery operated TV was blabbering about "Winning Ben Stein's Money" as it was Saturday morning at ten.
"Why don't you get dressed, dear brother, before we get the reputation of a strip club."
More laughter, even from Fred this time. He slowly retreated back to the employees only room. As he retreated, he distinctly heard George say, "Thank you, that will be three galleons, seven sickles, twenty-three knuts. Please come again."
As Fred was getting dressed, George popped in. "Remember, you have money duty today."
"Yippee. Hey - when did you say we were going to do our Canary Cream demonstration again?"
"Tonight at 7:30, just before we close. We're hoping to get some investors, as well."
"How about we introduce a new deal: for each five galleons you spend we throw in a box of fake tissues. Then we can raise the price of them to a sickle. Encourage people to buy a lot, and if they don't want to but still want fake tissues, they spend a bit more."
"We'll need to step up our production a little bit."
"If we announce this to the investors tonight, they might be encouraged to invest more. The profits of five galleons worth of jokes outweigh the profits of the fake tissues. They can be bought and enchanted for fifteen knuts, counting time and effort. If we buy more, the manufacturing company should lower the price."
"Good idea. Let's do it."
"I don't believe it. Today we made a hundred galleons! And the investors gave us another three hundred. And Honeydukes wants some Ton-Tongue Toffees!" George hugged his brother. "We're going to make it! We're actually going to make it!! I can't wait for the first Hogsmeade weekend from Hogwarts." His eyes were flashing with images of huge piles of golden Galleons and silver Sickles.
"It's a pity we're not going this year, though. Our parents-"
"-should be happy that we're not going, we're saving them some money. Once we have enough to pay for both our terms, we'll go. With our own money."
That put an end to the conversation.
Two months later, there was a dip in profits. The initial excitement of a new shop opening in Hogsmeade had died down, and the fact remained: Zonko's shop was larger, older, more well-known, had more options, and was better overall. A big budget means all.
"Hopefully these new Anteater creams will do good. We could use better profits."
Average profit, counting rent, operating costs, food for the two of them, and sales, equaled things at -11 sickles a day. Bad.
"I think the Finger Pretzels will do better." A new invention of George's looked like an ordinary pretzel, but changed in to a baby's hand that "walked" (or was spit across the room) out of the person's mouth and gave them the finger, only to vanish in a puff of green gas.
What the Weasleys didn't know was that the recipe for the Anteater creams had been modified by a person whose name is yet unknown.
October came, and the two jokers were immensely afraid of a complete disapproval in Hogwarts. Halloween, the traditional first Hogsmeade weekend, was approaching, and galleon over galleon would be coming through-hopefully. The anteater creams had not yet been bought by a single man, woman, or child, but hopefully good things would happen on October 31st.
And they did. The first place many Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs went on their trip to Hogsmeade was Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. There was even a line to get in to the store.
"I'm sorry, we are all sold out of Canary Creams. You can reserve a cream for your next Hogsmeade visit if you like. Please pay a sickle in advance and sign your name here," George recited. "The only other animal cream still available is the anteater creams. Right on the table to your left."
"Fred?" George whispered in to his wand. "Something strange is going on."
"Two Galleons, please, Angelina. What is it, brother?"
"The anteater creams aren't working properly."
"How?"
"They're not turning in to anteaters."
"What's happening?" said Fred, concern evident in his voice.
"It takes a little while, but they get a dreamy expression and stumble out of the shop."
"Is there alcohol in there, George?"
"Nope. I've checked."
"Strange. Well, the customer is always right. Let's talk about them tomorrow. We can't do a thing about it now."
"Roger that. Out." George put his wand out of his mouth. He looked up to see Hermione. "Hey, how're you doing? Still pursuing freedom for all house-elves?"
"We made a record 854 galleons!!! Our stock will blow its top!"
George turned around. "Eight hundred fifty-four?"
"Yup. Zonko's got almost no business today. Just from the Slytherins."
"We don't even go to Hogwarts anymore and they're still not buying from us!?!?"
"Bastards."
"Anyway, what d'you think of those creams?"
"Let's wait and see."
"Albus?" said Professor McGonagall, walking in to his office.
He looked up from the Pensieve. "Yes?"
"The students seem to be getting..." she searched around for the right word. "drunk, really."
"All houses?"
"All but Slytherin. Not everybody, though."
"So random students from all houses except Slytherin have been walking around as if they're drunk?" He thought a moment. "Have you checked the Chamber of Secrets, Minerva?"
"You think this is something Salazar Slytherin cooked up a thousand years ago? Anyway, I'll get Potter to open it for me." She left.
Minerva McGonagall told the Fat Lady, the portrait keeping others out of Gryffindor house, the password, and tripped over the portrait hole as she went inside. Half the kids in Gryffindor were completely stoned or drunk or whatever it was. Ginny Weasley and Colin Creevey were playing catch with Ancient Runes: 500 BC to 1 BC. But they were failing, mainly because they tried to catch the book three seconds after it had got there. When Colin picked it up and clumsily threw it, it hit Ginny on the head and she collapsed with the giggles. Within a minute, they were rolling on the floor laughing.
Professor McGonagall shook her head. and walked up to the fifth year dormitories. Seamus Finnigan was mindlessly unscrewing the curtains around his bed. The curtain rod collapsed and fell on him. He smiled and went out like a light. But there was no sign of Potter in the entire tower.
She shook her head and stepped over Ginny and Colin, who at this point were hugging each other and crying with mirth.
At this point, Fred and George were making a profit. Thanks to the noticeable lines on Hogsmeade weekend, they were making a small profit of two galleons per week. They were still eating sparingly, but they knew success would be theirs.
Professor Dumbledore walked out of the floo fireplace.
"Professor! How nice to see you," Fred said, looking up from the cash register. "Feel free to look around."
"I would love to, but I have to ask you something first. Will you get your brother please."
"Sure." Fred pointed his wand into the 'employees only' room. "Accio Weasley!" he said.
George went flying into the room. "OI! Fred, what is it? What's going on?!? Oh- hi Professor Dumbledore."
"Hello. You two are the masters of pranks in Hogwarts-"
They both beamed.
"-so you would know the answer to this question." He told them all about the apparent loss of intelligence in a number of students.
"Oh dear."
"We think we know where they might be from."
"But..."
"They came from this store."
"It was the Anteater Creams."
"It must have long-term effects."
"We knew something was wrong when people didn't turn in to anteaters right and left."
Dumbledore interrupted. "Listen. Just withdraw the Anteater Creams from the market, and everything will be okay."
At this point Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the store through the fireplace, followed by Professor McGonagall.
"Fred, can I see the ingredients for the Anteater Creams? That's probably where the problem lies."
"Okay." He ran to get it, and was back in an instant.
Hermione skimmed it, then looked up. She looked dangerous, demonic even, and started advancing on the twins. "How dare you. I would never have thought you would resort to something that low, you dirty scum-"
"Miss Granger!!" said Professor McGonagall, shocked.
"What is it?" said George.
"You don't know? I don't believe you. You never even bothered to check if you didn't."
"WHAT!!!!" said all but Dumbledore.
She held up the recipe. Right under 'Mix eggs, butter, and milk' was "Add cocaine."
"Wow!" I said. "A muggle drug. Didn't you know what cocaine was, though?"
"No," said George, "We had no idea. We just took it from the pot where we stored ingredients."
"Anyway, at that point, the ministry nearly closed down the store. They were really pissed," said Fred.
The check came for dinner. I paid it, then got up. "Mr. Weasley, Mr. Weasley, I hope to be doing this again soon."
****
Harry, Old Bean!
****
I would have liked to be done with this essay, but more rolls of parchment are needed. Besides, it is an honor and it is enjoyable to be talking with the masters of mischief and hearing about their flukes. They told me about another one, three years later, in which they turned Harry Potter in to a giant bean - and couldn't reverse it.
"Hey, Harry!"
"Ron! I haven't seen you for ages! What are you doing in Hogsmeade?"
"New article, Harry," a eighteen-year-old Ron Weasley said, holding up the Daily Prophet. "'Is Hogsmeade safe for Hogwarts students?' Some parents are worried about Hogsmeade's security measures in case Voldemort turns up in a bad mood." Ron had long ago learned that Harry preferred the real name, Voldemort, as opposed to 'You-Know-Who' or 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.'
"Now why would they worry? I'm here." Professor Potter put a fake bewildered expression on his face.
"Deflate your ego, Harry. Work is work."
"Whatever." His voice was that of a casual college student, not of a Defense Against the Dark Arts student teacher. "I think Gred and Forge are coming out with a new joke tonight. Some kind of fake jellybeans."
"Well, let's stop by and see."
"I have an idea. Fred and George could feed those jellybean thingies to Voldemort. Include that as part of your article. Good one, huh?"
"Grow up, Harry."
They arrived at the Joke Shop without incident, just to see:
"BEHOLD!!!!" A bunch of Jellybombs rolled out of a box and shoved themselves in Harry's, Ron's, and everyone else's throats. Harry's stomach gurgled. Then...POP!! POP!! POP!! POP!! "Wow," said Harry. "That felt cool."
They had a nice little chat with Fred and George, although they were slightly puzzled. "Yours only went off four times? It was supposed to explode five! Oh well, no matter...."
However, by that evening, Professor Potter was definitely not feeling well. He had excused himself from classes last period and the main professor, Professor Alfred. E. Neuman, (my apologies to William Gaines) looked quite surprised as Harry went to bed. But then again, Neuman always did, with big ears, a tooth missing, a round head, and a constantly carefree expression with a big gap-toothed smile.
Strange things happened at the witching hour. At that point, Harry threw up, and then all dissolved in to blackness.
"Professor Potter....professor Potter, where are you... Harry? Are you all - What the HELL is this!?!?"
"Good morning, Professor McGonagall," said the giant jellybomb on the floor, in Harry's voice. "I really don't know why I am inside a large brown something that I can barely see through. Maybe Voldemort captured me in this giant bean or brown oval and left me here as a joke."
"Don't talk about things like that, Harry," she said sternly.
"So tell me what I look like - from the outside, that is."
"A giant bean. I think. Maybe you've just gained weight," Ron's voice rang in.
"Shut up. I'm just doing my impression of a globe."
"Right. And you seem to be stuck. That's what my mother always said - 'If you keep your face in that position, it'll stick like that.' I'm sure the girls will just stick to you now," Ron replied, imitating his mother's voice.
"Teenagers," said McGonagall, "honestly. What happened?"
"Don't ask me," Ron said.
"I just remember being sick last night, and waking up to 'Professor Potter? Where are you? Profess-'"
"I get the idea, Potter. Try to blow yourself out of there."
There was a small explosion from inside the bean. It wobbled, and started to roll. Yells came from inside the bean. The bean rolled down the stairs, going "Ow, ow, ow, ow, pain, ow-" It continued to roll down the hallway, Ron and McGonagall chasing hopelessly after it.
"Professor! Ron!" a familiar voice said. "What's this - oh!" The bean ran over Hermione Granger. She was stuck to the side of this large bean, rolling, rolling, through the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, where Professor Neuman was watching in disbelief, and out the window, screaming all the way.
They landed with a thump and a thud as the bean, and the Harry inside the bean hit the ground and bounced. Hermione was still attached to the outside of the bean, and seemed to be held on like glue.
Ron and Professor McGonagall came outside, as the bean was lying on the grass. "Well, Harry, I guess the girls do stick to you this way."
"Shut up," Harry and Professor McGonagall said.
"This giant ball of glue is Harry?" Hermione cried.
"You got it," said Ron.
"Hermione, can you shoot Ron for me?" said the bean.
"I second that," said Professor McGonagall, actually laughing at this utterly bizarre situation.
"I find nothing funny about this," said Harry.
"I find it hilarious," said Ron.
"I agree with Mr. Bean here," Hermione chimed in.
They all succumbed to laughter.
"Harry, I want you to try walking."
"Walking?"
"Put one foot in front of the other."
"Inside the bean, Ron?"
"Inside the bean."
"What am I, a hamster? You think this will turn the bean like a little hamster wheel?"
"What's a hamster?"
"Never mind. Here goes."
The bean started turning, and moving forward. "It's working, Ron. What do I do now?"
"Now you stop. Your passenger is getting dizzy."
"My passenger? You mean Hermione?"
"Right. Now I'm going to direct you to go which way. When I say right, you go right, When I say left, you go left. Get the idea?"
"No, I think you have to explain it to me."
"And you have to be careful so you don't end up stepping on Hermione."
"This is not going to be a good day," said Hermione.
"So, Hermione, seen any good movies lately?" said Harry, completely oblivious to the fact that people were crowding around them while he was trying to make conversation.
"People are staring, Harry," she said. "Ow!! That's my foot!"
"Sorry. Why were you at Hogwarts anyway?"
"People were completely nonresponsive to S.P.E.W., so I'm going to start S.P.O.M.A.M.C.D.A.."
"Spom om sida?"
"Society for the Protection Of Muggles And Magical Creatures Discriminated Against."
"Your new crusade."
"Yes. Anyway, I was wondering if you two could take your posts in S.P.E.W. and do the same in S.P.O.M.A.M.C.D.A."
"Let's see if I can revert to normal form first."
"I'm not sure if having a bean as a treasurer would be good or not."
"Ask Fred and George. For all we know this is just a publicity stunt of theirs."
"If it is I'm going to knock their blocks off."
By this point they had reached Weasley's Wizard Wheezes.
They walked inside, and was greeted by an "Oh oh" from Fred and an "Oh dear" from George.
"Don't worry, Hermione, we'll find some way to get you off this monster."
"What about me!!" said the bean.
"Aaah!" Fred and George jumped back.
"Well, what about me! I have the worst of it!"
"Yes you do. The only way to get you out from inside there, Harry, will take a while."
Harry started banging his head against the bean.
"Ow! Harry, stop that!" said Hermione. "Go punch the other side of the bean! I'm over here."
"Sorry." He started banging his head against the other side.
"That's it, you $%&*-ing bean!! I've had it!" She pulled out her wand and performed the Banishing Charm. She was pulled away from the bean, but the bean stuck to her like glue. The bean was stretched out like elastic, then snapped back. She vanished.
"Hermione? Hermione?" said Fred.
"She's in here. She went through the bean," said Harry.
"I'm alive, but squashed." Hermione said in a shaky voice.
"Poor Harry. It must be cramped in there."
"Actually, I rather like these close quarters with a girl - ow! Whaat? - I was just making a joke!"
By the sound of it, Hermione had just slapped him.
Fred and George were talking again, with Ron. "When we made these beans, we made it so most spells wouldn't affect them. The only thing - is eating them."
"So they have to bite their way through the bean."
"We should help. We forced the bean down his throat in the first place."
Munch! Munch! Munch! The sound was constant. Annoying. And Harry and Hermione was rather bored.
The three men with tired teeth on the outside broke through to find them kissing.
"Well," said Fred, "This relationship certainly started in a novel way."
The famous Harry Potter developed his first post-school relationship in a giant bean! I could hardly believe my ears! Maybe Fred and George, besides being inventive geniuses, also had good gossip about many now-famous people! Percy Weasley had been Minister of Magic for a record twenty-three years before he died in office. My professor was sure to give my higher grades for behind the scenes tales on famous people. These tales were now becoming very interesting, and not just an assignment.
****
The Errant Transfer
****
Fred and George told me about another story, which happened five years later. The story of a special invention of theirs that was powerful, but ended up going awry.
"George! These things actually work!"
"What things?"
"The Transfer Tapes! This isn't just a silly prank, it's powerful!"
"How?"
"Are you that thick?"
"Yes. Now blast through my skull and just TELL me."
"Come in to the room and find out."
George entered. Suddenly he realized what was going on. It was Angelina Johnson talking, but Fred's voice, Fred's personality. Fred was standing over by the other side. "Hi," he said, with Angelina's voice.
"You guys switched? And it worked?"
They both nodded.
"Anyway, we're not putting it in stores. Too dangerous. Imagine someone changing in to Dumbledore and turning Hogwarts upside down."
"Give it directly to the Ministry of Magic," said Angelina. She had recently been fired from her job as a waitress at the Leaky Cauldron and was now part of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes staff, the first non-Weasley. Ron had come there after a hard economic time three years ago, but hopefully soon the Weasleys would be able to sit back and relax while other were doing business, testing, and marketing. They both wanted to stay in the inventive part of the business until it was time to retire. Which wasn't going to be that soon.
"I think we'll be able to get excellent sales from the Ministry. It's much more effortless and more accurate than Transfiguration."
"Fine. Let's give it to the other Weasleys first. See what they think."
Arthur Weasley really liked it when he put himself in to a rug, knocking over tables, chairs, and Molly Weasley, much to her dismay. All of the other Weasleys thought it was a good idea, and the Ministry would put it to good use. Simpler, less expensive than Polyjuice Potion, and easier than the Animagi transformation.
Ron was preparing for a date with Hermione when the Weasleys apparated in, put his consciousness inside Nelly the Stuffed Elephant, and gave him instructions on how to reverse it. They apparated out quickly.
"They're crazy," Ron muttered. "As fun as it is being an elephant, I have other things to do. I wish they'd stop getting in the way of my social life, this is the second time this - Damn them!!"
The way to reverse the transfer was to simply reattach the transfer tape. Unfortunately, they left no instructions on what happened if the transfer tape snapped. It just had, thanks to the clumsiness of a six-inch-long stuffed elephant with a sky-blue checkered bow tie. Ron cursed Fred, George, their store, and his mother for giving birth to them in the first place. Then he cooled down. Thanks to the immense foolishness of his brothers, Ron was a stuffed elephant, with no perceivable way out.
And the date was in ten minutes.
Ron clumsily picked up his wand after dropping it three times. He attempted to apparate to the Weasley shop, utterly failed, tried again, and failed too. Suddenly he remembered something.
And that made Ron pissed. He hopped down his flat, fell down the stairs, and somehow managed to get to an emergency portkey he kept for times when he might lose his wand. Growling, he touched it and was instantly transported to Diagon Alley. He "walked" in to Haerti, an Indian restaurant, where they had arranged to meet. Hermione was waiting inside wearing a nice red dress. As Ron sat by the outside, watching, wondering if he should speak to her, or just wait for her to think she'd been showed up and tell her later after he pounded Fred's inconsiderate head so far in to his torso that he'd have to drop his pants to say hello.
Hermione made the decision for him. "Awww," she said picking Ron up and patting his head. "How cute. Some poor kid must have lost him." She started playing with his long, stiff trunk.
Ron instinctively batted at his nose with one pudgy hand. "Geroff! Off!"
"Aaah!" She recoiled and dropped him on his fluffy gray ear.
"Ow." The elephant straightened. "Good evening, my dear. Can you please carry me to the waiter so I can get our reservation."
"This is a bad dream."
"I'm afraid it is not. We'll have to thank my idiot twin brothers for this. I assume you don't want to be seen having dinner with a stuffed elephant, so let's let the waiter know, shall we?"
"Ron!?"
"Who else has a date with you on Thursday night? Don't answer that," he said quickly.
"Fred and George turned you in to a stuffed animal?"
"Elephant, to be exact. Notice the large floppy ears," he pointed with his trunk, "and the trunk," he pointed with his ears.
"You're correct in your assumption that, um, this puts a wedge in our dinner date." From Ron's point of view, she looked like a tower with a dress and high heels, and it looked like she had an awkward expression on her face. It wasn't the clearest point of view.
"Lift me up, please."
She did.
"I never thought I'd be saying this."
"I never thought I'd be doing this."
After the date had been canceled (the waiter had been a bit suspicious of being told what to do by a stuffed elephant) Hermione tried apparating to the Weasley shop. And failed.
"You cant apparate magical creatures that aren't humans! That's why I had to take my emergency portkey here."
"And I don't even know how to create one! Only Ministry people do it actively."
"You should know that in your long years with S.P.O.M.A.M.C.D.A...."
"I should, indeed. House-elves use a different method. And most others don't at all."
"Looks like we're going to have to take the Hogwarts Express."
"Will transfiguration work?"
"Nope. Not in this case." She had taken over the Transfiguration job after Minerva McGonagall had been killed in one of Voldemort's cursed purges. Harry Potter was out on the job of an Auror after deciding he wasn't fit for teaching. (Here Fred said: "It was actually quite funny. He kept encouraging students to break rules. The shrieking shack in Hogsmeade exploded once after a student named Richard Smith followed Harry's encouragement to try out the Marauder's Map.")
Ron was currently a Quidditch referee for all home games in England. It didn't look like he was going to last, thought, as the public was clamoring for his removal after a series of bad calls in the playoffs.
"Hey look!! It's Professor Granger with a teddy bear!" one of the kids said.
"I'm going to fail that little-" she was cut off by the elephant.
"Calm down. Watch this." Ron wobbled over to the third year and jumped on his face, pudgy paws holding ears, trunk in between his eyes. "Say that again. Ever been held out the window by a stuffed animal, kid?"
The kid stared for a moment. Then: "Get it off!! Get it off!!! Aaaahh!" The third year threw Ron on the floor and took a step back, held by some of his friends.
Ron got up, and waddled toward him, slowly, menacing. He let out a trumpeting blast that sounded remarkably like an elephant and leaped forward.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh....." his voice faded as he zoomed out of the car as fast as possible. His friends took one look at the elephant and ran away too.
The entire car was in roaring laughter. One Gryffindor fifth year asked the Professor how to do that.
"With a little help from a friend," she said, laughing.
Professor Granger could not miss the Sorting and the Opening Feast, so she had to drag Ron along with her, much to his dismay. She put the Sorting Hat down on Ron and he was trapped in there until she picked up the hat. By that time Ron was fuming.
"Can you do something in your wild preparation for the first years that doesn't involve me being stepped on, asphyxiated by a hat, or thrown in to the lake?!?!?"
"Shut up already."
He continued grumbling until Hermione threatened to actually throw him in to the lake.
It was a normal Sorting at Hogwarts, and Ron felt a bit nostalgic for the time he actually was one of those scared little kids about to wet himself in front of the hat. He, however, had fun letting out an ear-splitting elephant blast every time a new Gryffindor was announced. That also scared the hell out of the first few kids being sorted.
The first night of Hogwarts took too long to finish. Ron had been an elephant for two days now and was ready to hurt someone. He continued to stamp on Hermione, to little effect. She finally agreed to take Ron out to the Weasley shop. The Weasleys were just about to close the shop when they arrived.
Ron took charge and blasted the Weasleys off their feet.
"A Transfer Tape victim?" Fred asked Hermione.
"Tape broke?" said George.
"Yes, yes," said Ron. "Just how the hell are you going to get me out of this damn elephant!!"
"Good question."
"You mean you don't know!!!"
Fred and George looked at each other.
"Don't worry-"
"Don't worry!" Ron yelled. "Why the hell should I worry? I'm only going to be a stuffed animal for the rest of my life if you don't pull a solution out of your thick skulls and fast!! No, everything's perfectly okay!!! All right!! Normal life in the Weasley household.....you NUMSKULLS!!!" He threw himself on Fred and bounced off. He missed George completely and headed in to the "employees only" room.
As according to the spell, the elephant, attempting to enter the forbidden room, was turned in to a giant nose and thrown out on the street. He then became Ron again - but this time he had two feet, two arms, no trunk, and was six foot nine.
"...and two years later he and Hermione got married," finished George.
"But why did he become himself again?" I asked.
"The spell was set to, after turning someone in to a giant nose, revert them back to their original form. His original form was not an elephant, it was himself. Pretty cute, no?"
"The intricacies of magic," I muttered. "That spell is used worldwide now, correct?"
"Yes. It's put on the doors of Ministry rooms. If someone is using polyjuice potion or the little, they become normal again. Great spy catcher."
"Wow," I said. "Amazing."
A/N. You have just read stories 1-3 in a series I hoped would work out...but didn't really. I'm reposting this as a consolidated form; no editing has been done to the original stories. The reason for this consolidation and the inevitable loss of some of my precious reviews (sniff, sniff) is that I believe that stories with short parts are the reason for the 11,771 stories in this section. If everyone consolidated the parts of their stories in to one, we could have a lot less stories on here, making it easier to weed through them. I swear if I see one more "Harry Potter and the _______ of _________, Part 12, Chapter 9,000,000 that's twelve words in size, I'm going to become a deranged psychopathic murderer.