THE GLASS GUITAR PICK
"A pretty plot for fairy tales, Sire. But in real life... oh, no. No, it was foredoomed to failure." (Cinderella, 1950)
Hello! This is my first AU parody, so I'm really looking forward to it. I chose to combine Instant Star, probably the most musical teen show on television right now, and Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella, which was on Broadway with Julie Andrews in the fifties, on TV with Lesley Warren in the sixties, and a nineties TV one with Brandy Norwood. At first, it didn't make much sense when I was conceptualizing it, but the more I thought about it the more I thought I'd give it a go. The Instant Star story is somewhat fairy-tale esque, with an unknown girl making it big who meets her musical soulmate, plus a bit of girl rivalry, and a loving, though flawed dad. It's all set in modern times (2007) with the premise that Darius is searching for a date to accompany Tommy to the Juno awards. Jude is the Cinderella figure, and Tommy's the Prince figure, though it's more humorous than romantic since this is a parody, first and foremost.
For the sake of the story, there are some changes, namely that Jude and Tommy aren't romantically linked at this moment in time. Sadie and Karma are still very much into Tommy, and Portia, who is somewhat of a motherly figure in the series, takes on the role of wicked stepmom; she's probably the most out of character. Other characters are somewhat out of character, but I try to make them seem true overall. There's also canon stuff that I make fun of. Jamie's the voice of reason throughout the story, kind of like a commentator, because I need someone there to have the story grounded in some way.
I do not own any of the songs, because they are the property of Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein, but since this is a parody, all the lyrics have been tweaked by yours truly.
I. In My Own Little Studio
(based off In My Little Corner written in 1957, the property of Rodgers and Hammerstein)
"I have a completely horseshoe-less bowl," informs Jamie, resting his feet on the coffee table in front of the Harrisons' television set.
Jude Harrison folds her legs Indian-style, looks around her living room. It has been so quiet this week, it almost doesn't feel normal. No scandalous pictures to mess up her fanbase, no crisis involving getting a decent single out, no random kids being carried around by Tommy. Instead, she's here eating Lucky Charms with Jamie on her couch, watching the lamest thing they can find, a musical that would only be liked by those high on sugar-coated cereal.
"Yeah, right," says Jude, peering in as Jamie puts the bowl in front of her.
"See for yourself," says Jamie.
Sure enough, he's right. Ugh, this is what her life is coming down to. With finishing up her third album and Patsy hogging all the studio time, she's reduced to doing the most mundane activities. It didn't help that her father was away on business, and Sadie was out of the house doing G Major errands.
"What I'd rather see is something else," speaks up Jamie, sighing. "I mean, what perfectly sane teenagers sing music all the time to express epiphanies? I bet Kurt Cobain never sang about heartbreak before climbing the ropes in gym class."
"No, only on the football field," counters Jude.
Jamie pushes her lightly, Jude falling onto the cushion laughing. They hear the front door open, Sadie trekking in with a pink designer bag, and form-fitting minidress to match. Her blonde hair is housed nicely in a high ponytail.
"Get your funky feet off our furniture," commands Sadie, rolling her eyes.
"It's Miranda Priestly," says Jamie. "I know you missed me coming over all the time, Sadie."
Jude smiles. Jamie really hadn't been a presence in the Harrison household after he took up with Patsy, but their break-up changed all of that. She's not sure why they broke up, and Jamie would make an awkward face whenever she tried to pry, so she eventually gave up.
"Like I missed your pseudo-intellectual music geek speak? Uh, no," replies Sadie, sitting at a chair opposite Jude.
"I miss Dad," admits Jude. "It's just...not the same since he left."
"Yeah, we should try and be happy, though," says Sadie.
"He's been gone half a day," says Jamie. "What's you guys' problem? Your mom's been gone way longer."
"Mom?" says Sadie, blinking blankly at Jude.
"She's the woman that got a new guy, moved away."
"Is she the woman in this picture?" asks Sadie, holding up a picture of a woman Jude knows she's seen before.
Jude shrugs. "I thought that picture came with the frame."
"Do you guys forget people that you don't speak to in a week?" asks Jamie, shaking his head. "You do remember Kat? Liam?"
"Your mouth's moving but I'm not hearing you," answers Sadie. "Oh, wait. That's the norm with us. Going to see Portia."
"You were with Portia all afternoon," says Jude. "Why not hang out a little?"
Sadie stands, smooths her bangs. "Uh...how about no?"
Leaving them, Jude frowns, her eyes starting to water. Jamie slurps his pink-colored milk.
"Ever since Dad left, Sadie's been all distant, mean," complains Jude.
"For the last four hours?"
"Yeah, it's been horrible," says Jude. "Let's go to G Major. Channeling all my feelings into a song usually gets me through all my problems."
"Sweet," says Jamie, heading to the kitchen with his empty bowl.
II.
"And this...this is the key to any woman's heart, man," announces Speiderman, lifting his jacket slightly.
Jude and Jamie, after getting there in a decent amount of time in Jude's car, join a small group composed of Speiderman, Sadie, Karma, and Patsy. Jude's sure that whatever is in there is either gross, cheap, or both. Jamie smiles at her knowingly. Speiderman beams, pulls out a little, velvet box.
"Velvet box! Velvet box!" cries Sadie, clapping her hands.
"Open and show me," begs Karma, grinning widely.
"Not yet," teases Speiderman.
The front door to Darius' office opens, and everyone scatters. Sadie pretends to straighten up some business cards, Jamie shuffles through some papers, and Speiderman grabs a vacuum, pretending that he's going to turn it on. Darius comes out, cracks his knuckles authoritatively. Jude's heart quickens, and she grabs a blank tape sitting on a counter, stares hard at it. The only person really working is Portia, on the phone with a costume contact.
"What are you doing, kid?" asks Darius, looking over at Speiderman.
"There's three settings," informs Speiderman, tapping the vacuum handle. "You buy quality, dude. I respect that."
"No!" says Darius. "I mean, the box. You're supposed to give me the box."
"Right...right," says Speiderman, presenting him with the velvet box.
Jude glances over at Karma and Sadie, who are drooling over it. Sadie wipes her mouth with her lace sleeve.
"Ewww," says Jude, quietly.
"Got something to say, Jude?" asks Darius.
"Uh...no," replies Jude.
"Good, cause I do," says Darius. "Everyone gather around. Yo, sis, tell him to hold."
Portia signals that she will, presses the hold button. She bumps into Jude hard, who trips on the side of the couch, flops on the floor.
"I give you a four, Jude," assesses Speiderman, holding out his hand.
Jude takes it, gets up, taps him lightly in the gut with her fist.
"Quincy!" he yells.
Tommy Quincy strolls out of Darius' office, his brown hair shining under the florescent lights, his confident gait giving Jude goosebumps. She furiously fixes her hair, stares at her clothes to make sure they don't look frumpy. The clothes check is disappointing, her jeans wrinkled right above the cuff, an ink stain near one of the buttons on her shirt. Sadie and Karma looked hot in their leg-showing skirts, tight tops, in style heels. Why did Portia always put things away for them and not her? The answer's not that complicated, though. Kwest liked Sadie, and Karma was manipulative like that. But Tommy didn't need Portia's help. He always looks good, gushes Jude inwardly.
"Hey," greets Tommy, running a hand through his carefully coifed hair.
Karma, Sadie, and Portia sigh. Jude looks at the carpet.
"I just wanted to let ya'll know that congratulations are in order," says Darius. "Tommy is receiving a Humanitarian Award at the Junos scheduled a month from now. Helping those at risk, former boy band members really paid off."
Everyone claps, except Speiderman, who looks perplexed.
"At risk for what?" asks Speiderman.
"It was nothing special," says Tommy. "You just go in, tell them that learning those highly coordinated dance moves and sugary ballads was worth it in the end, because hey, you made people happy."
Karma nods enthusiastically, Sadie tearing up.
"And it gets your foot in the industry," adds Jude.
"Exactly," says Tommy, smiling at her.
Portia stands in front of Jude. "Of course I'll be styling you."
"And a date," interjects Darius. "We just have to find her."
"Take me!" cries Karma. "I...um, need the publicity. That's around the time my album drops."
"Tempting offer," says Darius.
"Or he could take me," speaks up Sadie. "He should take someone unknown so the focus can be on him. Plus some of us are equally attractive and some of us...well, aren't."
Karma throws an evil stare at Sadie, who puts on sunglasses and smirks.
"Either one would be good," speaks up Portia.
"I like the idea of an unknown," admits Darius. "Which is why I'm sponsoring a singing contest for Tommy Q fans. Winner goes with Quincy. Goes with the Humanitarian appeal, making a wish come true. Yeah, G Major's gonna look good after this, and the media will be all over it."
"I'm unknown!" argues Karma. "My album's not out yet."
"Feel free to enter then," says Darius. "A trip to the Junos might do you some good. You too, Sadie, if you can carry a tune."
"I can," insists Sadie.
"And for the icing on top of the cake," hints Darius.
Darius ceremoniously opens the box, lets the group see. It's a diamond-studded guitar pick on a chain, glittering as much as the necklace around Darius' desk. Sadie and Karma squeal, Portia fanning her face.
"The pick looks like glass," says Jude.
"Definitely diamond, for the jewelry challenged," snaps Sadie. "Glass? Honestly."
"It's going on the girl who wins," shares Darius. "To wear to the Junos. It's on loan, though."
"Why wear some loaned bling?" asks Speiderman.
"To feel special," says Karma, poking Speiderman.
"And it'll look nice against any one of my dresses," adds Portia. "I already know Sadie and Karma's sizes!"
"It isn't about the hooplah, guys," says Tommy.
"What is it about then, McSquinty?" questions Speiderman.
"The best thing a musician can get," supplies Tommy.
"An ipod Nano in a gift bag?" guesses Sadie.
"An invite to Prince's after party?" guesses Karma.
"Dignity," suggests Jude.
"Exactly," says Tommy, pointing at Jude.
Jude timidly covers the ink stain, wonders how Tommy feels about all of this. He was a behind the scenes guy, and Darius was probably making him do this. Now she felt bad for him, and her dad, and this woman who was supposed to be their mom. Man, was that woman dead? And she didn't remember the cat Jamie talked about either.
"Having deep and powerful thoughts?" asks Jamie, as Jude goes off to the side.
"He can't make Tommy do this, be some prop for G Major," whispers Jude, urgently. "Tommy should just get his award, and enjoy himself."
"It's Darius, Jude. He always gets his way."
Tommy glances at her wistfully, waves and smiles. Jude tucks some hair behind her hair, blushes.
"I need to think about this," says Jude.
Jamie pretends to bang his head on an imaginary table.
"Jude, this isn't your issue," says Jamie. "No one mentioned you. It's not like you're the main character of our lives."
The group starts to separate, Sadie and Karma following Portia to her desk, pushing each other on the way. Speiderman picks up the vacuum, heads over to Jamie and Jude.
"What are you doing with that?" asks Jamie.
"Going to give it a good home," says Speiderman. "It's obviously underappreciated here. So Jude, are you entering that thing?"
"I've...I've had hit singles and good sales," stammers Jude. "Darius wants an unknown."
"You passing up a trip to the Junos because of that?" cries Speiderman. "Dude, put some mud on your mug and go incognito."
"They'd recognize her for sure," says Jamie.
"Dude, I don't know," says Speiderman. "This all sounds right out of some fairy tale, some Shrek-ish vibe for sure, and that's when weird stuff happens."
"And you're the king of weird stuff," says Jude, sticking out her tongue. "Nah, Jamie's right. I'm staying out of it. Is the studio free?"
"Karma's talking clothes, so she'll be over there for hours," guesses Jamie. "Patsy's left for the day. Go."
Jude waves at the both of them, goes into the darkened studio, flips the light on. A microphone is already set up, apparently waiting for the next singer to come in and share their talent. When she thinks of all those girls that will share their talent, just to get close to Tommy, her skin prickles. It wasn't too long ago that she was unknown, a contestant in the Instant Star competition. She remembers the thrill, her forehead sweating under her red bangs, singing to the evaluating crowd. But singing for Tommy, those were some of her favorite performing moments, when the synergy was there, the nerves that drove her were there. That's the magic, she thinks. Not in glass-looking guitar picks or designer gowns.
What should she do? Let some other girl be discovered, date Tommy? She pulls up a stool in front of the microphone, sits.
If her dad was here, he'd tell her to find the song in her heart, because he couldn't come up with any decent advice and he thought that'd be good thing to tell a musician. To her surprise, it usually works. Jude starts to sing, closing her eyes:
I'm as young and as poetic as Alanis,
When I hear a wrong chord, I tune.
But I know of a spot at G Major,
Where teen girls have right to croon.
In my own little studio, on my own little stool,
I can sing whatever I want to sing.
With Tommy's backing, and a cool synth,
I write moody melodies,
And inspire rockers to wannabes.
I'm Jude Harrison, the first Instant Star that you won't forget
Because Darius puts me in your face at every chance,
Press conferences, sold-out shows, the talk show circuit,
Meanwhile Mason played last week's square dance.
I want to be the girl Tommy goes mad for,
Sure, our flirty banter is great,
But his squinty gaze and full lips make me drool,
But I shouldn't in my own little studio,
No, leave him alone, while I'm on my own little stool.
Jude pushes the microphone away, rises up from the stool. She hears footsteps from under the slit in the doorway, faces the door. Someone jiggles the doorknob, finally wrests it open. Tommy comes in, smiles uncomfortably.
"Came here to escape the circus," he shares.
"Me too," says Jude, her hands growing clammy.
Tommy plops down in a swivel chair. It's about as graceful as a person falling into a swivel chair can possibly be, notes Jude. Ugh, what's wrong with her today? She needs to pull it together, make it look like she's not nervous.
"How do you feel escorting a random girl on your arm to one of the biggest musical events in Canada?" asks Jude, her voice stronger than she anticipated.
"Like a bear who's getting paid to stand up on its hind legs and entertain the masses," admits Tommy, folding his arms.
"Yeah, didn't sound like you," says Jude. "But business is business."
"True," says Tommy. "But if this leads to a hit for G Major, and a girl feeling good for a night, that's fine. I just hope she's as cool as you."
Jude turns red, plays awkwardly with her shirt.
"Ink stain," laughs Tommy, leaning over and touching the stain.
"Yeah...writing casualty," says Jude, swallowing a lump in her throat. "My dad's gone, my sister's acting PMS-y and I'm bored."
"Nah, you're a hard worker," says Tommy. "Third album's done and you're still writing. Mark of a true musician. And I'm used to you being scruffy."
"Scruffy, but motivated," argues Jude. "I mean, look at these hands. Strumming did a number."
Tommy takes her hand, her skin getting warm. He traces the lines of her palm. She hates the idea of this happening with someone else at the Junos, but it was business. It's just business, she thinks.
"That's nothing," says Tommy, shrugging.
"Whatever," replies Jude. "My hands will rival Bob Dylan's by the time you get back from the Junos."
"I hope not."
"Why?"
"Because I'd know these hands anywhere. Soft, strong, always at the ready."
Jude's heart quickens, and she takes her hand away.
"Gotta...gotta talk to Jamie," she stutters.
She ducks out of the studio, takes a deep breath. Who needs diamonds when Tommy made her feel a million times better? No, she wouldn't get involved, like she did with everything else.
"That's why I'm tanning before said event," says Sadie, as she and Karma pass Jude.
"You need it," says Karma. "You're pale as Speid's neck."
"Good luck, girls," speaks up Jude.
"I don't need your luck,' says Karma. "And once Tommy shows up with me, they'll forget all about you and your faux heartfelt lyrics."
"Forget you two," interjects Sadie. "Tommy's still digging me so I'm obviously winning. I don't even have to sing well, which I can do since my heart is with Tommy and his is with mine. We have a musical connection."
"Oh yeah?" says Jude. "When did you become a singer?"
Sadie clears her throat, holds up her finger.
"And I am telling you, I'm not going," sings Sadie. "You're the best man that I ever..."
Speiderman pretends to bark across the way, Jamie laughing.
"Who cares?" says Sadie. "My message is clear. And Jude's out of the running, so we're in to win like Jennifer Hudson."
Karma and Sadie high-five one another, then frown, walking off in opposite directions.
This is going to be some contest, thinks Jude. She goes over to Jamie, who stares after Sadie bewildered.
"All the talent in the family," whispers Jude, holding Jude's hand up.
Jude chuckles, recalls the warmth of her body when Tommy touched her. An image of Karma draped over Tommy, blowing kisses into the camera unnerves her. Even worse is her own sister, inching her way back into Tommy's life even if she didn't win. No, none of it seems right.
"Thinking of a song?" asks Jamie.
"Yeah," admits Jude. "Always."