Know Your Smashers
By Hoogiman
Episode One: Mario
The lights in the studio brightened. A cute pop-rock jingle played and a voice over the loudspeaker announced, "Welcome to… Know Your Smashers!"
A Koopa held up a card marked with 'Applause', the p's being written backwards, giving the audience momentary confusion.
"With your host…" announced the voice, "Master Hand!"
The audience burst into genuine applause as an extravagant automatic door opened, revealing the host to the program's viewers.
The applause died down and Master Hand floated onto a podium with two chairs in the middle of the studio.
"Hello everybody!" said Master Hand confidently, "Throughout this series I am going to expose and ridicule all of the Smashers you once thought were perfect! In each episode I am going to expose one smasher in compromising positions and recordings for your entertainment!"
The audience chuckled in a slightly sadistic manner.
"Now for our first guest," said Master Hand smiling, "we have everybody's favourite Italian plumber… Mario!"
The audience applauded. With a large grin on his face, Mario walked out the automatic door and waved to the crowd.
"Sit down," said Master Hand, giggling slightly.
"Okay-a!" said Mario in his typically annoying exaggerated Italian accent. "So-a what-a is-a this-a show about-a?"
"I-a don't-a know-a!" said Master Hand, chuckling.
Silence.
"It was a joke, you dumb freaks!" shouted Master Hand angrily.
The audience laughed.
"So… basically in this show, we expose you and if you don't run out of this show crying… we'll give you ten thousand dollars!" said Master Hand, grinning.
The audience applauded.
Mario smirked arrogantly. "Expose-a me? Oh-a I'd like to see you do it. Bring it on!"
The audience applauded again.
"Okay," laughed Master Hand, pointing to a screen at the back, "Now Mario, you'd consider yourself straight, right?"
"Oh," laughed Mario, "Of-a course! I'm-a married to Peach! What do you think?"
"Well," said Master Hand, smiling evilly, "From several of these Christmas party photographs we've obtained, the people you're seen kissing with don't seem to be female!"
"Ha," laughed Mario, "And who exactly do you-a think you got them fr-"
"Peach," said Master Hand in a nasty manner.
"NO!" screamed Mario horrify, "Don't show them! The kissing was purely a joke! And the half-naked-"
"I think we're going to have to show them!" laughed Master Hand.
The audience applauded and cheered.
"I beg you!" whimpered Mario, "My integrity will-"
"Control Room!" shouted Master Hand, "Show the photos!"
The lights dimmed and a photo appeared on the screen.
The audience burst into tears laughing. A non-stop wave of giggling consumed the entire audience, the banging of fists on chairs audible.
The lights turned back on. Master Hand said proudly, "So Mario, are you completely devastated by the-"
Master Hand noticed Mario was in tears from laughing as well. "Why are you laughing? I'm showing a picture on the screen of you kissing another-"
The audience began to break into incessant uncontrollable laughter.
"Yeah, that's right," said Master Hand smugly, "You laugh at Mario's expe-"
"HA! HA! HA!" giggled Mario, banging his fists on the table.
"Why are you laughing?" said Master Hand anxiously.
A snorting Mario pointed at the screen, containing a picture of Master Hand massaging an almost completely-naked Fox.
Master Hand started to hyperventilate and panic at record speeds.
"Uh…" said Master Hand very quickly, "It was a joke! Haha! A planned joke! It was all… Photoshop! Yeah! Photoshop! I swear!"
The audience continued to laugh, the laughter dying down several moments later.
"Anyway," said Master Hand determined, "Now for the real photo of Mario kissing other guys during the Christmas party! Do you want to see it, my audience?"
The audience cheered excitedly.
"Go for it!" said Master Hand, pointing to the control room.
The lights dimmed and a picture of Master Hand tugging on Fox's pants (the only clothing he was wearing) appeared.
The audience laughed. Master Hand started to hyperventilate a lot.
"Um…" laughed Master Hand hysterically, "That was a joke too! Hahahahahahaha! I like jokes! Do you like jokes?"
Some people started recording Master Hand's panicky antics on camera phones.
"Hahahahahaha! And there was nothing else after that! I swear! It was purely a joke and-"
A picture of Fox crying as Master Hand unbuttoned his trousers appeared on the screen.
Everybody stared in shock.
"Um…" said Master Hand, his sweat forming enough drinking water to feed several third-world villages for a month, "Now for a filler item by our in-house band!"
About four people in the audience applauded, as everyone else stared in shock.
"I said," said Master Hand angrily, "A filler by our in-house band!"
The band was too busy staring at the screen in shock to play any music.
Master Hand smacked his face (which is actually physically impossible, but oh well).
"Okay," said Master Hand, improvising, "A stand-up routine by our very own in-house comedian!"
The audience applauded nervously as Fox walked on stage.
"He's our comedian? Get him off!" said Master Hand, running to spank Fox.
"Don't make me take off my clothes again!" cried Fox, running away from Master Hand.
The audience stared in shock.
"Um…" said Mario, calling the police, "Yes? I need the police here right away."
Master Hand stared at Mario.
"Why are you calling the police?" said Master Hand, laughing hysterically, "You wouldn't be calling on me, would you?"
"Actually…" said Mario nervously as Master Hand edged closer towards him.
"Yes?" said Master Hand angrily.
"Actually… I was…" said Mario, sweating.
"I'll kill you!" screamed Master Hand, lunging for Mario and bashing him against the wall several times.
"Oh-a no-a!" screamed Luigi, running onto the set, "Somebody do-a something!"
The police ran in and stared at Master Hand angrily.
"Well…" said Master Hand nervously. "…you can't arrest me… because I'm too high for you to reach!"
Master Hand floated six metres up in the air and started to taunt the police.
A policewoman shot Master Hand, bringing him to the ground.
"OW!" screamed Master Hand.
They arrested Master Hand and dragged him away.
…
"I guess the show's cancelled now that there's nobody to host it," chuckled Luigi. "What a shame! I'd-"
Crazy Hand floated in.
"No," said Luigi angrily.
Crazy Hand frowned, and floated out.
…
Crazy Hand dressed in drag, wearing a wig floated in.
"Oh, sure!" said Luigi happily, "You-a can host the-"
Luigi looked closely at Crazy Hand.
"No!" said Luigi angrily.
Crazy Hand frowned and floated out.
Crazy Hand wearing a wig and dressed in drag floated in.
"Now?" said Crazy Hand.
"No," said Luigi angrily.
Crazy Hand floated out.
Luigi locked the door.
Crazy Hand rammed through the door, breaking it.
…
"Now?" said Crazy Hand hopefully.
"No," said Luigi angrily.
"Oh," said Crazy Hand, disappointed.
END.