They told me to go home; that my work was done, that they didn't need me. They must think I'm stupid. Sticking around when they know they don't need me. If I wasn't there everything would still be the same. Yeah, things might be a bit messy, but they'd manage perfectly. I'm just a waste of space. I have no one. I left my family; as much as I love them they never understood me. I was always the weird one. The odd one out. It never really bothered me because I loved the silence, but now I dread it. Every night when I come home it haunts me. That's why I try to stay, but they don't understand. They never understand.
When I started working there it felt like I finally found my home. Like I was meant to be there, but over time they stopped acknowledging me. I was invisible, like a ghost. Every day I watch them from the side lines. They have fun, carry on and bond with each other, become friends and then there's me. Sitting at my desk waiting for anyone to notice me. Hell, I would even have an alien stalk me if I got some attention.
But I guess some things never change. It's been like this my whole life, I just wished hoped it would change. That my life would have some, any meaning. Day after day it eats away at me and weighs me down. I don't recognise myself anymore, but I stopped caring a long time ago. I just want to feel alive again. To have a genuine smile on my face. To have an actual conversation with someone; I just want to belong.
I've restarted my old activities from my teenage years. It brings me some pleasure, but it only lasts seconds. It helps me release my emotions, thoughts, pain. It releases me from a life I see no point in living. But for the tiniest of seconds I feel whole. I feel alive and that's all I want. Is that too much to ask?
He looked at himself in the mirror. Pathetic. Worthless. Meaningless. Dead. He rolled up both of his sleeves which revealed hundreds of scars – healed and healing. He smiled at himself when he dragged the blade across his skin. And he kept on doing it until his arms went numb. His mind went blank. Finally, the thoughts have stopped; he let himself laugh as he made his way to the bathroom.
The blood ran. It escaped from his skin with all the pain he once felt. It was always mesmerising to watch. Drip. Drip. Drip. In a silent house the noise intensified and it was magic to his ears. These memories he held dear. They reminded him that he survived and is surviving in a world that is too fucked up to handle.
He took his time cleaning his cuts, it was peaceful. This was the time he looked forward to. This was the only time he felt like he had meaning.
After all, I am just a useless coffee boy…
The door to the hub opened and Ianto walked straight to his desk. He didn't need to look around to know that he was the first one here. As he sat down he remembered the day when he finally got his own desk inside the hub. In that moment he thought it symbolised that he was officially apart of the team, but he was wrong. His desk is located at the other side of hub, far away from everyone.
They only gave you it to mock you. To show you that they don't need you. That you're practically a waste of space.
He sat back in his chair and waited for the others to arrive. First was Toshiko; out of everyone he liked her the most. She was intelligent, beautiful and strong – everything he wasn't. She was also the one person to talk to him every now and again, but she was always after something from him. Nothing new. He remembered the one time they went and got drinks together. They were having a good time until work called. Tosh apologised and left him sitting alone.
Then there was Owen. Ianto hated him the most; he was such a tool. Different girl every night and he always felt the need to come to work the next morning announcing this latest fuck. How could anyone want to fuck Owen, sorry Dr Owen Harper? Yeah he may look attractive if you were into people who loved themselves. The only time he talked to Ianto was when he wanted a Coffee. That was his job after all. But what pissed him off the most was that he was always making sly comments about him; Owen thought he never heard, but he heard every single one of them. The worst thing is though, nobody stopped him. One day he had gone too far and he just walked out the place. He fucking hated him.
Ah, the lovely Gwen Cooper. She waltzed in like she owned the place. As soon as she put her stuff away Tosh and Owen gathered around. They talked, they laughed, and they left Ianto out. Every time he went over they would always stop the conversation and call out coffee orders for him. He bloody loved Gwen.
That was sarcastic; he didn't hate her, but he disliked her. She's been here for about two months now and she's fitted in better than he did and Ianto's been there for just over a year. Tosh was trying to be her best friend, Owen was a flirt and Jack took an interest to her. What was so special about her that Jack made her his second? Being big headed Owen thought it was him, but Ianto knew it was Gwen. It's always going to be Gwen.
Everyone was here but Jack. He was always the last to appear and Ianto wondered why. He would never see him enter the hub, but he always appeared out of nowhere. It intrigued him. Jack was mysterious and there was never a dull moment when he was around. When he was around Ianto felt strange, but in a good way. They hardly talked to each other, but every day he would ask Ianto how he was doing. It made him smile until he remembered Jack said that to everyone and he always asked him last. He's only asking me because he feels obliged to…
Jack was everything Ianto wanted to be. Tall dark and handsome. Cliché as hell, but he had a tiny crush on his boss. He's done nothing to deserve Ianto's affections, but he couldn't help how he felt. He knew Jack would fuck anything that moved, but he wanted it to be more than a quick fuck. He wanted to be with him, but there was no way that was ever going to happen. Why would someone like Jack like someone like me? I'm just a useless coffee boy.
Ianto snapped from his thoughts when he felt someone staring at him. Strange. He looked up from his desk and saw that Jack was looking at him. Jack's eyes must be magical because he was compelled to look straight back and hold the stare.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought that they were so beautiful that it made you want to cry? Every time Ianto looked at Jack that's all he wanted to do. He lost track of the time, but he knew that they'd been looking at each other for minutes. It was like Jack was trying to look into his soul and read his mind. Ianto shifted uncomfortably and broke the stare. He couldn't have Jack knowing; he didn't want anyone to know. Why do you think he wore suits all the time? It wasn't to look nice for jack (Ok, maybe a part of it was), it was to hide his scars. To hide his true self from people.
No one would ever understand. They would look at him like he was a freak and Ianto couldn't bare that on top of everything else.
"Ianto?"
Owen was stood in front of him holding a coffee mug, great…
"The usual?"
"Well of course."
Ianto took the mug from Owen and slowly made his way to the coffee machine.
"Oh and while you're there make everyone else one and bring it to the conference room."
He watched them through the window; they were talking about the latest case. It was something to do with something. Things like that weren't in his job description so he never paid attention. Once all of the beverages were made he carefully carried them up to the room. No one noticed when he entered and they only gave a small smile as a thank you when he placed them next to who they belonged to. It never got easier. He thought over time it would, but it didn't. Mentally sighing he went to walk out the room, but stopped when someone called his name.
"Yes?"
"Sit down and stay." And that was all Jack said before he continued to discus to Gwen about the recent sighting of whatever it was they were looking for. Ianto completely zoned everyone out; he had sat down like Jack had told him to do, but he felt out of place. It felt abnormal.
There must be a reason for Jack wanting me to stay? But so far no one has talked to me. I have no idea of what's going on and it's bugging me. Why now? He's never bothered before. So what's changed?
When Ianto came from his thoughts he saw that it was only him and Jack in the room.
"Where did everyone go?"
Jack gave him a side glance as he made his way over to sit in the seat opposite of Ianto.
"They left about 2 maybe 3 minutes ago. It's fascinating that you didn't notice, they were making a lot of noise."
"Oh well, I was lost in my thoughts."
"What were you thinking about?"
Lie. He's not going to care either way.
"I was thinking about redecorating my apartment."
Jack could easily tell Ianto wasn't telling the truth, but he didn't press for the real answer.
"You're not much of a talker are you?"
"I've got nothing interesting to say."
Ianto was beginning to feel warm and flustered. This was feeling more like an interrogation then a conversation.
"You feeling alright? You're sweating." Jack pointed to his forehead. Consciously he wiped away the sweat with a handkerchief.
"Yeah, just getting to warm."
Jack leaned forward like he was about to tell him a secret.
"Well you never take your jacket off and it's the middle of summer. Maybe you should and show off those muscles I know you're hiding."
It felt weird for Jack to wink at him, but Ianto pushed away what Jack was trying to imply. He flirts with anything that moves, I'm nothing special.
"I'm good. I'll just go back to my desk. It's nice and cool there."
He got up to leave when Jack reached out and grabbed his wrist; he had to stop himself from flinching at the contact.
"Ianto, look at me."
He looked Jack in the eyes.
"Are you doing ok?" Jack actually sounded concerned. Am I giving off different vibes then usual? Does he suspect anything? Shit, what if he does?
"I'm doing fine sir." Short and simple.
Sighing Jack released Ianto's wrist and watched him leave, but said something which made Ianto stop for a second before he continued to walk.
"Ianto, I can't help you if you don't talk to me…"
His hands started to shake as he walked back to his desk; I need to get out of this place. Ianto went to pick up his coat, but he stopped with his arm inches away – to an observer he probably looked like he was having what you call an 'epiphany', but in reality he was questioning himself yet again.
If I leave now it will look suspicious, well not to everyone but Jack and then he will know there's defiantly something wrong. He can't know. He glanced at the clock next to the computer. Great, another six hours of trying to stay calm and looking busy before I can get out of here; away from him.
Sighing, Ianto sat down at his desk and kept himself busy. His knee wouldn't stop bouncing and his hands were twitching, he needed a distraction, and he needed to do it. To feel in control, to have something to stop him from feeling whatever the hell he was feeling in that moment. Ianto hated it when he felt like this. Like his skin was itching and he was trying to escape from the inside out. He needed the release.
Ianto didn't like cutting at work, there was a possible risk of someone walking in on him or him not cleaning up the blood properly. He looked at his desk draw. In it was a blade hidden within a stack of post it notes. Strange place to keep it, but it wasn't like anyone was going to be leaving him a note anytime soon. He clenched his fists to try and stop his hands from twitching. Get a grip Ianto!
He opened his draw and received the blade. Cautiously, Ianto stood and causally walked to the bathroom. He must have passed everyone on the team, but no one gave him a second glance. A laugh escaped his lips; at this moment in time he was glad he was invisible, no one would follow him.
Opening the bathroom door, he slid through the gap and locked it behind him. Huh, Jack must have fixed the lock. He turned around and turned the light on. And re done the bathroom. New everything. Why didn't he say he was redoing the hub? Unless he did and didn't tell me because why would it affect me? It's not like I work here.
Ianto stood in front if the mirror. He remembered cloth sheets around the hub, but never put the pieces together. He just thought it was, well he never thought. He stopped taking an interest when they did. Normally, Ianto would know everything about this place, but for once he didn't. What does that say about me now?
Not taking his eyes off himself, he took off his jacket, placed it next to the sink and rolled up both sleeves. It's now or never, right? Jack knows something is up, I'm transparent. Heck, the whole team probably knows. Nobody cares, no one will ever care.
"I can't help you if you don't talk to me…" What the fuck did he mean by that? How can he help me? Why would he want to help me? He doesn't mean it. All he knows is that something seems different with me and he's caught on. I need to be more happy alive…
Ianto looked down at his wrists and saw red. A smile crept onto his face. Nothing. He felt nothing and he thrived in moments like these. He watched as the red ran down the white sink. Ianto laughed to himself; blood washing over the innocence…
He took him time and made sure everything was how it was when he came in – he didn't have any bandages on him so he couldn't leave until he knew the blood would stop leaving his skin. Everything was quiet so he closed his eyes and took time to collect himself; to make his mask stronger.
Finally, he opened his eyes, carefully put his jacket on and left the bathroom. As he closed the door behind him he looked up to see Jack leaned against the wall with his arms folded. Don't get annoyed, keep the talking to a minimum and walk away.
"Sir,"
"Ianto,"
Silence.
"Ok… I'll be going back to my desk now."
Ianto took a step forward and was about to turn away when Jack said, "No."
He tilted his head and looked Jack in the eyes.
"What do you mean no?"
"Come on Ianto, I didn't just hire you for your looks. You're smart enough to know what the word no means."
Deep breaths, you can get through this, he's trying to provoke a reaction from me for god knows what reason.
Ianto let a big smile onto his face, it didn't feel right, but he wasn't going to give into Jack's petty games.
"Of course I know what it means; I just meant why don't you want me to go, Sir?"
"What were you doing in there?"
"Is it really any of your business?"
"It is when you spent over half an hour."
Woah, didn't realise I spent that long in there.
"You were timing me?"
"You normally don't go to the bathroom at work."
"You keep track of what I do?"
This is starting to get weird, even for me.
"As your boss, it's in my best interest to keep an eye on my employees. So I'll ask again. What were you doing in there that would take over thirty minutes?"
"If you must know I was admiring the interior design and how different it looks. Cataloguing every detail takes time, Sir."
Jack stepped into Ianto's space so they were mere inches from each other.
"I do love when someone uses sarcasm, but when it's used to deflect from a question from your boss, not so much."
Fuck this shit.
"I don't see why it's any of your business. But if you must know I was having a shit. My breakfast didn't agree with me so I went to the bathroom. Which is nice by the way. It's nice to not be told when the hub is getting refurbished. So now that I've answered your question get out of my way and let me go back to my desk."
"For a man who doesn't talk much, you sure have a lot to say when the right buttons are pressed."
Jack smiled.
"Get out of my way Jack."
"Wow, you know my name. What happened to Sir?"
Ianto clenched his fists and took a deep breath. He looked Jack in the eyes.
"Jack, I'm not in the mood. So step aside and let me get back to work."
"Can't do that. You didn't answer my question."
Ianto was about to protest when Jack interrupted, "You lied and I want the truth. You never use the bathroom here and you never eat breakfast. Believe it or not Ianto I do pay attention. Especially when it concerns you. So I'll ask again and this time I want an honest answer. What. Were. You. Doing. In. There?"
He's still playing games, he doesn't care. Don't answer. Walk away and don't indulge him anymore. He's talking to me like I'm a child. Maybe that's all I am to him. The youngest person who works here so I need more supervision to make sure I don't tell the world the truth. I'm nothing to him. He just can't figure me out and that annoys him. I'm a game to him he can't complete. He's so old and all knowing, but when he doesn't know something it intrigues him. All I am is a curiosity.
And I've been thinking to long; he's looking at me with concern? Shit. Say something.
"Don't worry yourself. I wasn't feeling well so I went to the bathroom in case I was sick. Nothing out of the ordinary so go back to saving the world once again and I'll go back to my desk, Sir."
Jack looked defeated, "Ianto, please talk to-"
"Nothing to talk about Sir." Ianto smiled, turned and walked away from Jack the second time that day.
"Next time I won't hold back. I will eventually get the truth from you Ianto Jones; I'm not giving up."
The way he said my name; it was like it was the first time I've ever heard it said. My name from his lips, filled with so much meaning. Why does he do this to me? Give me the cold shoulder for months and then all of a sudden show interest in me. Am I a game to him – something to pass the time when he gets bored? Well, I'm not havin' it! The work I can tolerate to some degree. The team ignoring me doesn't surprise me anymore. But bloody Captain Jack Harkness breaking his pattern of not showing emotion, I can't take. It's easier to like someone when you believe they won't change; when they show you know reason to care, but now. What he's doing. I can't handle it. Why now? And why does he care? I'm nothing but a useless coffee boy.
Ianto looked at the time. One hour until he could leave; today he wouldn't mind going home to the silence. He looked around the hub. No one. He was alone. They must have went out to track a lead or something. And yet again they didn't bother telling me.
The hub was as clean as it could be and there was no one there for Ianto to make coffee for. He knew they wouldn't be back for hours so he collected his things and got up to leave. Only, he hesitated. Stood like a moron beside his desk trying to decide what to do.
Is there any point in even coming back? The team wouldn't care if I left, hell Owen would probably decide to throw a party now that I wouldn't be there being the 'constant downer'. And Jack. Well who knows? He shouldn't be on my mind. Just because he showed a tiny bit of interest doesn't exclude everything he hasn't done or said over this past year. He shouldn't be worth my time or my affection towards him.
This job doesn't bring any happiness it once did. It doesn't hold any meaning. I know if I say I'm resigning one of them will retcon me. And then, then there will be no point. Despite hating things now, the things I've seen and encountered can't be forgotten. I need to remember. Or what would have been the point of this last year. It gave me something to hold onto, but is that's taken away from me I'll go back to the person I was a year ago who was considering suicide. I can't go back to that. Hard as is it to believe my life is better (not by much though) now.
I could say I'm taking a few days off. That I'm Ill and then I could leave. Start fresh. I know I will still feel the way I do, but I have a break from it all then maybe; maybe when I come back I will see things differently, that they will see me differently.
Ianto knew that he was holding onto hope and wishing that things could change, but he would never know if it was reachable unless he took that step. It's not like he had anything to lose. He reached over and took the post it notes from his draw and wrote a message for Jack. As Ianto walked into Jack's office he felt strange. Something was wrong and he didn't know what. All he knew was that if he didn't leave now, he knew he never would. Conjuring up the courage he needed, he placed the note of Jack's desk and left the hub.
When he reached the surface, the sun was setting; he walked over to the railings and watched it set. Something he never normally would do. He took the time for himself without thinking about anything. Something which was hard to do, but the quiet moments like these he felt content. When the sun disappeared, he got in this car and drove. Anywhere and nowhere. Aimlessly driving about without a care in the world. Ianto knew he was avoiding going back to his empty apartment; he knew as soon as he entered his home he would feel all the things he wanted to forget. But he knew he couldn't stay away forever. If he was going to start fresh, it would mean facing things he wanted to keep buried.
As he pulled his car to a stop in front of his apartment building complex, he felt a twang of guilt. You're not running away, you're just… Trying to reassure himself he was doing the right things wasn't really working. He got out of the car and entered the building. Ianto lived on the top floor and it wasn't for the view.
When the elevator came to a stop, he stepped out and started walking towards his home. The building was quite old, built before the wars. It intrigued him, the history and meaning the building held. After all he was a curious person. As he was nearing to his door, he noticed a figure looming beside it. A figure who wore an army military coat... Seriously?! Can I please catch a break?
Ianto stopped about a metre from Jack, "What are you doing here?"
"What no 'Hello', straight to the point? I've been waiting here a while you know. A little politeness wouldn't do you no harm."
Ianto sighed and rubbed his temples. "Just leave Jack. I'm not feeling well and you know that. So just do what you do best and leave."
He heard a sniff and looked up to see Jack looking hurt.
"I'm not in the mood for your theatrics Jack."
"Fine." Jack straightened his clothes and stood tall. "Why are you really talking days off?"
"That's what you're," Calm and collected Ianto. He will leave eventually. Or maybe just walk through the door and ignore him.
Ianto moved, pulled out his keys and opened his door. "I'm going now and you should do the same."
He was about to shut the door when Jack put his foot in the way.
"Jack I haven't got time for your stupid games! Ok, just leave me alone!"
Jack forced the door open which caused Ianto to stumble back. "Like I said earlier today, I will get the truth from you. I'm not giving up."
"Well maybe you should!" he whispered the next part, "I know I have."
They both stood there at a standstill. Ianto looking defeated and Jack looking conflicted.
He shrugged his coat off and let it drop to the floor, "You can let yourself out."
Ianto turned around and went to his bedroom, leaving Jack stood by himself.
Once he was inside his bedroom he shut the door and got undressed. Letting everything drop to the floor and not bothering to pick anything up. Half naked stood in front of the mirror, Ianto looked at himself in disgust. This is what you have become. He reached over and pulled sweats and a jumper from the draw. Once he was clothed he flopped back on his bed and starred at the ceiling. Empty. Worthless. Useless. Dead.
The door to his room opened and he looked up to see Jack stood there with his coat off. Has he seriously made himself comfortable in my home? He doesn't have the right!
"I told you to go Jack." He didn't sound angry, he just wanted Jack to be gone. He didn't understand why he was here. Why he was caring.
"I told you I'm not giving up."
Ianto felt the bed dip next to him. Great. Now he's sat next to me. On my bed. Oh how many dreams have started like this…
He didn't talk, he wasn't going to indulge Jack any further. Hopefully he will get the message and leave.
"Ianto. Talk to me, please."
Jack gently shuck his leg. "I'm not leaving so we can either stay in silence or talk." His voice so soft, I've rarely heard it like this. He's…caring…about me. Jack…
Ianto laid still, "Why do you even care?"
He heard Jack scoff, "No seriously," he sat up facing Jack, "Over the past year you've never shown as much interest in me as you have now. What changed? Why now?"
Jack looked Ianto in his eyes, everything which needed to be said was communicated through that one look. He turned away standing, putting as much distance between him and Jack.
"You know, don't you?"
He heard Jack stand. "Just… don't come near me Jack."
Jack was never one to follow orders, so why would he start now – he slowly made his way over to Ianto and put his hand on his shoulder. Ianto flinched, turned to face Jack and let go, "DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME!"
Ianto stood there with his fists clenched, breathing heavy; Jack's eyes were wide, he had never seen him like this. Where did his smiling coffee boy go? How long had he been like this? And more worrying, why didn't jack notice he was this damaged – yeah he had noticed over the past week something was wrong, that's why he wanted to talk to him. But, Jack saw that his pain? went deeper than he ever imagined. And it made him feel, wrong?
"Ianto – please, look at me…" He looked up and Jack saw a scared boy, not the confident smart-ass man he'd grown to admire.
"Jack, just go." Ianto sounded so defeated that Jack couldn't leave him like this, he needed to do something and he knew talking would only make him more shut off right now.
"Ianto, I'm going to do something I hardly do. So try not to freak out on me."
What is he on about? On second Ianto was stood by himself and the next he felt Jack. His arms wrapped around his body. Jack's chin resting on top of his head. Then one of his hands came up and cradled Ianto's head. This time, Ianto let go in a completely different way. He gripped onto Jack like he was his life line and slowly he let the tears fall.
In that moment the world was blurred. All Ianto felt was Jack. Nothing else mattered. He realised that maybe there was hope for him. Or am I kidding myself…
Ianto woke to the smell of coffee. Strange. He was laid on his bed and done a long needed stretch. Motionlessly, he got from his bed, rubbed his eyes and made his way to the familiar smell. As he walked down from his room to the kitchen, he wondered what was going on. Something seemed off and it all fell in place once he saw Jack stood in front of the counter in his kitchen.
Shit. That's when the memories of last night appeared in his head. Jack came to my place, he tried to talk to me, but I freaked out. And then, then he hugged me and it was like time didn't exist. Then he led me to my bed. Kissed me on the top of my head. He said that … he was…sorry…sorry that he didn't notice it sooner. Then he left.
"Why are you still here?" Ianto's voice startled Jack.
"Hey, you're awake. Here," Jack closed the distance between them and handed Ianto a coffee mug.
"Annnnnd, I'm here because I didn't want to leave you alone. Not after seeing you like that." Jack walked to the living room and Ianto followed. He gestured for them to sit on the couch; they sat so they were angled so they were facing each other.
Ok, now I'm really confused. I'm pretty sure I didn't say anything last night.
"Jack. What's going on?"
"Whatever you want." Ianto put his mug on the table.
"Fine, I want you to leave."
Jack followed suit, "No."
"But you just said –"
"I know what I said. And I'm not leaving. I also recall me saying next time I wouldn't hold back. So here I am. I could always force you to talk, but I'd rather not. You know me Ianto, I'm stubborn as fuck. And I will do anything to get my way. Call me a jerk, but trying to be gentle with you didn't really work. So I'm going to be brutally honest. What the hell is up with you? And don't give me crap about you being ill. Not once in a year have you asked for time off and now we're here and I'm looking at a completely different person to the man I hired."
"Fuck you." Ianto gritted out.
"Finally some real emotion!"
Ianto quickly stood to his feet, looming over jack. "Who do you think you are? Coming in MY home and telling me what to do! Well FUCK YOU! Bloody Captain Jack Harkness! You don't have the right to tell me that I'm not the person who you hired, that I've changed. When in fact I haven't! I've always been this person – but you wouldn't know that! You never spent the time getting to know me. None of the team did! I've always been this person you're seeing right now. Shocker right! Just because I don't meet your expectations doesn't mean you get to pretend to care to suffice your curiosity. I'm not playing you fucking games anymore Jack. I'm done. I quit! And if you even try to retcon me, there will be consequences!"
Jack stood to his feet, half shocked, half angry. He'd never backed down, so why would he do that now. If Ianto wants to be difficult and have a shouting match then Jack will give him a hell of a time.
"Finally showing your true colours, Ianto. I knew that act was too good to be true! Being someone in the background. Being a fucking USELESS COFFE BOY! But always appearing happy, like nothing bothered you! Part of me knew you were hiding behind a façade. But I ignored it because it wasn't like it was going to affect the job. If I'm being honest I've never knew who you were. To me you were a good looking man in a suit around the work place. A piece of eye candy to stop me from being bored! I've seen how you look at the team when you think no one is looking. You tell yourself you hate them, but in reality. You hate not being one of them. Always standing in the background. Having no one. And you're jealous! And if you hate the job, the team and me so much. Why do you even care about being retconned? Forgetting this whole year would be easier for you, wouldn't it?! Then you could go back to whatever fantasy life you were living before you came to me begging for a job. You're Pathetic! Blaming everyone else. Maybe if you were yourself from the start then we would ALL be in a different boat right now. But no, you hide and expect people to like the fake you. Well guess what Ianto, the world doesn't work like that!"
His fist connected to Jack's jaw which made Jack fall back onto the couch. "Get the FUCK out of MY HOME!" Ianto stormed out of the room and headed towards the bathroom. He placed his hand either side of the sink, breathing heavy and looked at his reflection.
He knew I was living a lie and didn't even care. Nobody cares! I AM a useless coffee boy. He fucking admitted that I never had a real job; I was there for his amusement! Blaming everyone else, but myself. Well maybe if anyone one of them reached out or fucking talked to me, things would be different. This is not all my fault!
He hated what he saw, "What are you looking at!" In one quick motion his right hand left the sink and smashed into the mirror. He watched as the mirror cracked and pieces fell from it. He looked down at the shards of glass sticking from his hand and smiled. He watched as the blood ran from his wound. He was fascinated with the sight. He took a piece of broken glass in his left hand, nudged up the right sleeve and began to carve the lines he craved for. His vision blurred and he fell to the floor. Ianto sat there laughing. He felt free…
He heard footsteps rapidly come to him; he looked up to see a blurry Jack. He scowled, "Why … you still … here? I thought… you went…"
Jack crouched in front of Ianto trying not to break, he needed to keep a level head or things could get worse. He watched as Ianto played with the glass in his hand which made more cuts.
"I –I heard something smash. Then, then there was l-laughing. So I, came to… check on you."
Ianto rested his head on the unit behind him, "weeeel, I'm fine. Good in fact. Fine and dandy, you can goooo now."
"I don't think so and not from where I'm standing." He snapped his head toward Jack, "What's that supposed to mean. I've been like this more times than I can count. So trust me when I say I'm good. You don't know me, so don't pretend to care. You're only here because it's the human thing to do. And isn't that what you long for Jack – to be human!"
"I'm not going to argue with you –"
"Why not? You were less than five minutes ago!"
"That was before I saw-"
"Saw me. The real me, right? Well you can still fuck off. You ruined my mood now. Ruined this for me!"
"You know how stu-"
Ianto shifted so he was nearer Jack, "Stupid? I'll show you stupid." Without thinking Ianto lashed out, harshly moved his left hand and stabbed Jack in the side of his throat. He watched as Jack tried to call out; watched him remove the shard from his neck; watched as the blood spurted from his neck. Ianto stood to his feet, pattered Jack on the head and said, "Don't worry, you will survive."
He left the room leaving Jack to die.
He made his way over to the kitchen. He reached underneath the sink and pulled out the first aid kit. Ianto carefully pulled the glass from his skin and dropped it on the counter. He ran his hand and arm under the tap water and watched the blood flow away; once the water was beginning to run clearish, he pulled out gauzes and a bandage. He placed the gauzes over his damaged skin and neatly wrapped his hand and arm in the bandage. Once he was done he cleaned up the kitchen and made his way back to the bathroom.
When Ianto entered, he had to swallow the bile in his throat. Now was not the time. Jack laid there, in his pool of blood with the life drained from his body. It looked wrong to see Jack like that - He wondered if Jack would ever die, or if he was cursed to live forever. Everything has an expiry date except Jack. He went over to Jack, carefully removed him from his coat and dragged him from the room. The bedroom.
Once Jack was placed on Ianto's bed, he went and got a wet cloth and cleaned the blood from the throat before it stained his bed. He took his time; looking at Jack, Ianto noticed the age Jack truly held. He's been through hell and back and no one would notice unless you were looking for it. A tear ran from his eye. You killed the man you have affection for. He was only trying to help. And I, I wasn't thinking clearly. "I'm sorry Jack." Ianto ran his hand through Jack's hair.
Re-entering the bathroom, he rinsed the cloth and started to clean both his and Jack's blood off the floor. It looked like a scene from a crime scene. It is a bloody crime scene, I killed someone. Once the floor was bloodless, Ianto cleaned the counter and the sink. All that was left was for him to discard of the broken glass. Looking around the room no one would be able to tell what happened. Only Ianto and Jack would remember the day that turned both of their lives around.
Ianto went back to his bedroom and sat next to Jack. Hoping he would come back to life anytime soon. While he waited he watched Jack and made a note of all of this features. His left hand caressed Jack's face and his thumb moved across his cheek. In that moment Ianto realised what he had actually done. He killed the one person who wanted to help, he killed the man he loved.
He was broken from thought when Jack sat up bolt gasping for air – Ianto's hand never leaving his face. Tears gathered in his eyes, it would be easier to show that he didn't care. But Jack did say it would be better if he stopped living a lie. So that's what he was going to do, be who he really is – which scared him to his core. He let the tears fall. "Jack… I'm sorry. I-I didn't think. I…"
Jack looked at the hand on his face and closed his eyes, "Ianto…" he opened his eyes with confusion.
"How did you know I wouldn't die? I never told you…"
Ianto smiled to himself, "Like you said, you didn't just hire me for my looks."
Jack laughed, covered Ianto's hand with his own and brought them down to his lap. "Seriously though,"
"You forget that I'm always the first to arrive and last to leave the hub. I've seen some disturbing things and trust me, you don't want to know. And a couple of months ago, it was late and I was about to leave when you came in covered in blood and gaping wounds. Then you just dropped to the floor trying to get to your office. I ran over to you and you were dead."
"But you weren't there when I came back?"
Ianto shuck his head, "No, I left. You were dead and I didn't know what to do. I panicked and left. Then when I came back the next morning, your body was gone. I looked around the hub and there you were. Talking to Janet. I honestly thought I was going crazy until it happened again. Also, you always get hurt, but never have anything to show for it. The others may be oblivious, but I notice things. Especially when it concerns you."
Jack smiled, "Thank you."
Thank you, what does he mean?
Jack noticed the confusion on Ianto's face. "That's the first time in the past couple of days you've answered my question truthfully."
Ianto laughed at himself, "It is, isn't it?"
They both sat there in silence, Ianto knew Jack wanted to talk about what he saw, but first he needed to apologise.
"Jack, I'm sorry."
"It's fine –"
"No it's not! I killed you. Who does that? You were trying to help and I pushed you away and then stabbed you. I-"
"Ianto, I'm going to stop you right there." Jack took Ianto's other hand in his own being careful not to cause him pain. "I'm the one in the wrong. I forced myself into your home. Tried to talk to you when you clearly wanted to be left alone. Then I shouted and started a fight with you. I said things which I didn't mean, but I knew by saying them you would do something. I was trying to get you to open up, but by trying it my way I got you hurt and myself killed. So I'm the one who is sorry. You have to believe me Ianto, I didn't mean a word I said. You aren't useless or pathetic. You have nothing to blame yourself for. You have every right to do what you want. And I understand if you hate me right now, but please don't quit… I'd miss you…"
Ianto sat there trying to process everything he heard. He knew jack wasn't the one to show emotion when it came to his feelings. He always blocked everyone out because he knew he'd have to watch the people he love die. He appreciated everything Jack said. People would probably call him crazy because he could never hate Jack – not even after everything that's happened. In a way Ianto was grateful Jack pushed him to the point of dropping his façade. He was tired of pretending. With Jack Ianto felt like he could handle things instead of running away from them.
"Thanks for that Jack. But I could never hate someone I lo-" He looked away, avoiding eye contact. He knew his slip of the tongue would be caught. Even though he didn't say the word, it's not hard to figure out what he was going to say.
Ianto's hands felt empty when Jack withdrew his hands. Then the bed dipped right next to Ianto; he could feel the close proximity of Jack, but he refused to look.
"Ianto," Jack's hand came up to Ianto's face and turned it so they were looking in each other's eyes.
"Jack." Ianto's brain was trying to convince him to run, get away from him because in the long run he'd only end up getting up hurt. It took all his courage to stay and defy his instincts. If there was a time for change to come, it was now.
"What were you going to say?"
"You know what-"
"I want to hear you say it."
Here goes nothing.
He brought his hand up to Jack's face and let his thumb trace his face, "I… I love you, Jack…"
Ianto saw Jack's face turn into the most beautiful smile he's ever seen.
"Me to, Ianto Jones. Me to."
Jack slowly closed the gap between them so he was mere millimetres from Ianto. Ianto realised that Jack was leaving it up to him, that the choice was his. He smiled. Slowly he moved forward, his lips brushed long Jack's bottom lip. Ianto nudged forward until their lips were connected. He brought his tongue to Jack's lips and was let in; Jack deepened the kiss taking full control. Ianto moved his hands from Jack's face to his hair and tugged him back. They were both gasping for air – smiling, he pulled him back in for a soft and delicate kiss.
"So?"
"So…"
They both sat on the bed facing each other. Not knowing where to go from here. Love confessions, kissing with meaning; it was new to them both and neither one of them knew what to do next.
"Jack. What are we – where do we go from here?"
"We are whatever you want to be. For once in my life, I'm not going to rush things. I'm going to take my time with you Ianto – and I was thinking we could take those days off you wanted together, here?"
He's actually trying. He actually wants to be with me!
"I'd like that." They were both smiling at each other when Jack went serious. I knew he would want to talk about it. Damn…
"Ianto, we need to talk about," Jack gestured towards his arms. "I know, just give me a minute ok?"
"Take as long as you need, I'm not going anywhere."
Deep breaths, you can do this. It's about time I stopped locking everything up, Jack's here for me and I trust him… after everything we've been through. Some good times, mainly bad times, but that doesn't matter. Stop focusing on the past because that will never change. But people can and so can my future.
"Alright, what do you want to know?"
Ianto saw Jack think, "Ok. When did it start? How did it start? Why? Where? What does it do for you? Have you ever tried to –"
"Jesus Jack, slow your horses. So you basically want to know everything."
"Basically."
"You're not asking for much are you?"
"Ianto, what have I said about sarcasm."
"Right, well brace yourself because I will probably never repeat of this ever again. Ok?"
Jack nodded and that was Ianto's cue to start talking.
"It started when I was a teenager. I was fourteen and, things weren't … easy. My mum had just died and my dad, he dealt with his grief in ways which was not good for anyone. He would try to go after my sister, but I always gave him a reason to go after me instead – she was my sister and I would have died before I'd let anything happen to her. He lost the woman he loved and he was angry. It was easier to let it happen then try and stop him and end up worse."
"Ianto-"
"Don't or I won't have the courage to continue." He squeezed Jack's hand, "He would… beat me… with his belt. It hurt like hell and I swore I'd never let this happen to Rhiannon. So I took it. And I dealt with it. But then he started to drink and everything got ten times worse. It got to the point where I had to tell Rhiannon to leave. He tried to have… sex… with her. If I hadn't of walked in at that point, she would have been, raped. So I told her to pack her things and stay with our Aunt. I stayed. If I didn't he'd come after us – he's that kind of twisted bastard. He called me his toy. He used me…if he felt like beating something, it'd be me…if he was horny, he would use me… It lasted for two years. As soon as I turned sixteen I ran away – I couldn't take it anymore. Two years with that bastard! And what do I get; a sister who ignores me and an abusive father who doesn't remember anything because he was to fucking drunk to have any memory of those years. I couldn't handle myself, I didn't know what to do. And one day I accidently cut my finger with a knife and I felt something spark inside me. So I found comfort in any sharp object – anything that could make me feel alive and not worthless or empty.
Then Torchwood one happened. I met the girl of my dreams and she helped me. We helped each other, she made me a better person and I her. Then she… died…and I wanted to die. But I didn't have the courage to do it; I was pathetic! I ran away for a second time hoping things would change, hoping I would forget.
Next thing I knew I was back in Cardiff trying to get a job at Torchwood. I manipulated you to get it, but I never fit in. Tosh was nice to me, but after a while so only had eyes for Owen. Suzie ignored everyone, Owen's a dick, Gwen acted like she was the queen bee and was very condescending and you. You Jack showed no interest. You give me a job, give me a desk away from everyone. Keeping me isolated and left me alone.
I clean the hub and make coffee. Nobody once asked me about my life or how I was doing. And I could handle it for a while – but then I started to fall apart and nobody noticed so I created a façade, a mask. I was invisible. I finally had enough! I decided I was going to run away again. You were getting on my nerves, pretending to care and playing your fucking games. And I couldn't take it. Last night when I came home I was going to pack my things and leave, but you were there Jack. And well you know the rest.
And do you want to know the saddest part of all. Not once did I hate you – I convinced myself that you didn't care so it was easier to handle the rejection. After everything you done or didn't do, I never hated you. You were so secretive or mysterious that you intrigued me. I wanted to get to know you, but to me you made it clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. You don't deserve the way I feel about you, but things change. Actually, you changed and that's enough to give me hope…"
Ianto looked down at his hands, he didn't want to see Jack. After that story anyone with a brain would up and leave. He's never told anyone about what his dad done, Ianto opened up for the first time ever, he was vulnerable and Jack wasn't saying anything. This was a mistake…
"Jack…Please say something…anything…"
Silence.
"This was a mistake."
Jack's hand shot out to hold Ianto in place. Ianto finally looked at him and couldn't describe the emotion which was on his face.
"I – in all my years of living; which is more then you could ever imagine. I have never met anyone or been through anything of what you have faced in your life. Nobody should have to go through what you've been through – I know my words won't change the past, you will always have those horrific memories, but from now on I will always be there for you. I'm not leaving you; you want to bitch about people at work, I'm here. You want to have a go at me for doing something stupid, shout at me. Let things out and I'll be here to listen. I will always be here for you. Anything for you Ianto Jones. Things at work will change, you can guarantee they will. And you're right, I don't deserve your love," Jack looked Ianto directly in the eyes. When things were intense the emotion was true and strong, "But for some reason I have it. I can't promise things will be easy all the time, but I can be here to help you. We can get through this together. I love you and every day I will prove it to you. You will not be alone anymore."
Could he get any more perfect?
Ianto jumped forward and hugged Jack which caused Jack to lose balance and fall on his back taking Ianto with him. They both laughed with each other. I could get use to this. He placed his hands on Jack's chest, rested his chin on his hands and watched him. Watched as he tried to calm himself down from laughing. He saw the light in Jack's eyes which he put there. I never realised I could make anyone this happy. Ianto had the biggest genuine smile on his face. He's right, things won't be easy, but with him here with me, I think know I can get through this. The past couple of days have been a rollercoaster with Jack, but at the end of it all things changed for the better. We came out on top – and I literally came out on top.
Jack propped himself on his elbows and looked at Ianto, "You alright, you've been quiet for a while now?"
"Yeah, I was just thinking," he saw the worry in Jack's eyes, "thinking about things in a positive light so stop your worrying."
Jack put his hands on Ianto's hips and pulled him close. Their bodies pressed together and Jack whispered in his ear, "I think it's about time I proved how much I love you, don't you?"
He didn't wait for Ianto to respond. He locked their lips together and Ianto moaned into the kiss. He put one hand on Jack's face and the other hand grabbed onto his hair.
Ianto pulled Jack's head back and they both gasped for air. He wasted no time; he saw Jack's mouth hang open whilst he was getting his breath back so he pulled him forward and depend the kiss. Their tongues explored each other's mouth. Jack tightened the grip on Ianto's hips, hooked his foot around his and rolled them so Jack was now on top. He could feel Ianto's hard on so he grinded his hips into Ianto making him groan into his mouth.
Jack broke this kiss and moved down to his neck. He started biting and sucking until there was a plenty of marks there to prove that Ianto was his. Ianto let he head drop back into the pillow and he griped onto Jack's back not wanting him to stop.
Jack moved his hands and started to unbutton his shirt; once it was done, he took it off and Ianto moved his hands down, pulled Jack's t-shirt up, over his head and flung it on the floor. Beautiful. I have a fucking Sex God on top of me.
Ianto placed his hands on Jack's collarbones and moved them around his body. Exploring and cataloguing Jack's reactions. His skin was so smooth, not a flaw in sight. For someone who has died well over one hundred times, he looked good. He felt jack holding onto the bottom of his jumper. He checked with Ianto before taking it off. He sat up and holding Jack in place. Once his shirt was off Ianto was exposed. Jack would see everything he went through; his hands started on Ianto's back. Even though he couldn't see the scars, he could feel the change in the skin. He brought he hands to Ianto's chest and smiled.
"I knew you were hiding a well-toned physique under your suits." He let his fingers trace over his torso, then he trailed over to his unbandaged arm. Ianto watched Jack's face as Jack traced over the scars that hadn't faded. He turned to Ianto and kissed him with so much feeling behind it. Sometimes words weren't enough, so actions were used to communicate everything Jack wanted to say and everything he wanted Ianto to feel.
Jack woke in the middle of the night; he was under the sheets on his back with Ianto half sprawled over him. His head was on Jack's chest and his arm over his waist with their legs entwined. He looked down to see Ianto looking peaceful, blissed out. Jack let out a short silent laugh; he had done that, he made Ianto peaceful. In this moment he was without worry, pain or hurt. The person who had lost everything and was broken, is now slowly finding himself again and Jack is there to help pick up the pieces.
Out of all the lives I've lived I've never met anyone like him. I know we can learn from each other and both change. Ianto needs me and to be honest I need him. I've lived so long I sometimes forget what it is to be human and lose my place; but ever since I met Ianto I've felt more grounded then I have in years. He keeps me human and I keep him feeling alive, someone who has meaning and purpose.
Jack let his hand wonder into his hair. He let his fingers comb through it.
"Jack?" Ianto croaked.
"Yeah, I'm here."
"I thought you left. I dreamt-"
"I'm never leaving Ianto. You'll probably get sick of me, but tough, you're stuck with me now. Now go back to sleep…"
"M'kaayy…" He felt Ianto yawn more then heard. Ianto's breaths slowed – he was asleep.
I could get use to this.
He looked down at Ianto, kissed the top of his head and closed his eyes. Jack couldn't wait to spend his life with Ianto; for the first time in lifetimes he had found someone he truly cared about. He would give up everything for this man. And he's keeping to his promises. Every day he will show Ianto the extent of his love, knowing each day will make him happier as his love will continue to grow. Ianto deserves everything and more and I will do everything I can to give him that. I love him.
He whispered into thin air, "You've never been a useless coffee boy, Ianto Jones. Not to me."