Author note: This is a little songfic based on Iris by the googoo dolls (check it out on YouTube if you haven't heard it, beautiful song). I hope you enjoy it. I think it would be fab if someone wanted to write the second chapter for this…
William lay on his bunk staring at the ceiling. Soon the light would rise and chase the darkness from the sky if not from his heart. It had been months and yet sleep still evaded him most nights. Here he was hundreds of miles away, looking for a fugitive he knew wasn't here, and yet still Julia lingered in his thoughts, her ghost lingered on his skin. He was grateful in truth to Brackenreid. He had never truly let the man be his friend and yet he had saved him in many ways by sending him here. Saved his career, allowed Ava to be saved and most of all saved him from himself. How would it have been to still be in Toronto, still so close to her? It would be like watching her through glass, unbearable. How many times he'd read her note, it was stained and worn. How many times he'd tried to throw it away and faltered. Time it seemed was his greatest enemy, other than himself. It had robbed him the day she had left for Buffalo, he knew that now and it had robbed him again in those precious few days before those vows, which now left everything broken, were made. He was broken, he knew it but not in a tangible why, he wondered if he would ever be fixed. He despised the longing he felt, the fact it was becoming a physical pain, it drained him, it distracted him.
I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
Julia stood by the window staring at the lights in the darkness. Darcy slept soundly in their bed behind her. She had woken again from a fitful sleep and now the cool glass felt reassuring under her fingertips. Usually she refused to think of him, she was building a new life now, but in the silence of the night she allowed herself to think his name, William. This was supposed to have made them both happy; it seemed like a sadistic joke even to think it now. She tried not to spend much time thinking about the proposal Ruby had found. She wished it hadn't been found. It would have been better not to know, then her heart wouldn't squeeze the way it did when she thought of what might have been. As she looked up at the night sky she had the strangest feeling that he was somewhere unseen looking back at her. She fought back the lump that rose in her throat.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
Allowing himself a small moment of indulgence he closed his eyes and called up the memories of her. They rose like a well-thumbed book; he could hold him like stills or get lost in their flow. This was an indulgence he would pay for later as it increased the longing tenfold. If his life as a Detective hadn't strained his belief in God then his feelings for her certainly did. He had never coveted something so much in his life. It was worst when he recalled their intimate moments away from the eyes and judgements of the world; the moments when she stole his breath, the feeling of her fingers on his skin, her lips on his, and the sweet smell of her fogging his mind.
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
She had closed her eyes and was resting her forehead against the cool glass, instantly the memories had covered her mind's eye like thick ivy. The times flickered through her memory, the warmth of strong hands on her back, then his hair between her fingers and worst of all the memory of the taste of his mouth. No worst of all was the memory of their conversations. They were simpatico maybe that's why there was this connection that pulled them together like invisible rope. Julia didn't believe in 'one true love', she knew you could love different people for different reasons, she'd been in love before but yet she was worried now that there was something else, something else that when combined with love made everything different. What if no one else could truly understand her, what if she had lost her soul mate?
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
He had to let it go, he'd repeated it so many times it had become a mantra, it made no difference. She was the only one, she was under his skin, in his bones, cutting her out would kill him. They'd spent years saying all the important words with their eyes in-between the silences and no one knew him better. It hadn't been enough though, enough to stop it all going wrong.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive
She shuddered; ice running up her spine. There were no more tears to cry, there would be no point. She was a strong woman, she knew it, William knew it. She thought back to the turning point, the moment stood in the morgue, telling him the deeper reason for her leaving. The past had dictated her discretion; she had almost lost him when he learned of the abortion so selfishly she had hidden her sterility because she feared losing him for good, and now she had. She could picture the tears welling up in both their eyes when the truth finally hung between them like an abyss. There were too many 'if only's, she wished she could just let go.
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
No one knows how life will unfold so he was trying for now to live for the moment. If he could just make it from one heartbeat to the next maybe there would come a time when things could be fixed. He hoped that if it did he would have the good sense to make the most of it and not let time or his conservative nature steal it from him again. As he closed his eyes he whispered the words he'd never said to her "I love you Julia".
As the stars twinkled down at her she almost found herself confessing to that unseen presence, I love you still. Then sighing she turned her back on the window and went back to bed and the other man she loved.