The disclaimer here to tell you The Usual Stuff has gone on a world sponsored trip to kill Santa Claus, so I had to pay double for another one. Hope it was worth it. The Simpsons is not a creation of mine and neither is FOX tv. MY MONEY!

Abraham Lincoln, once woodcutter and now running candidate for presidency has just discovered that his political opposition, the South were a bunch of blood-sucking practically immortal undead vampires who can move in the sun.

"Wait. What?"

"Our...YOUR political rivals are a bunch of plantation owning, slave keeping vampires. To be precise, you're screwed." his aide said.

"Holy crap! Dracula lives in the south! We're so losing this war," Abraham Lincoln {also known as Abe, and Dumbass by his loving gold-digging wife} said, pulling at his hair. He then stopped, his eyes brightening, looking like he just had an idea.

"Why don't we enlist priests into the army. Their faith and holy water will surly vanquish the vampires."

"Why don't we enlist Van Helsin while we're at it. There're churches in the south and if there was a drop of holy water or actual faith amongst our priests, our taverns wouldn't be doing so well." the aide said, then added,"The blood of Christ must be vodka these days."

"Maybe it'll be sunny," Abe hoped.

"Not with this smog we've cooked up. It's too much to hope that it will choak their petenatural smelling noses. And besides, they're immune to sunlight. Think Twilight."

Abe shivered.

"Call off the war."

"Too late sir, his conditions are you step down and give yourself to him. For execution I think, and not the other thing," the aide said,"Oh, and sign an undertaking that the negroes/ blackmen will never be free."

"No! My best friend's a blackman."

"No, he's white. The person you're thinking of is your soon-to-be sidekick and personal "freeman"."

"I'm fighting for the freedom and somewhat end of oppression of the blacks. As freemen, they will support my campaign and vote for me, ensuring my victory by a landslide."

"Yes, and also ruin the south, pay for things thereby helping the economy, and then slavering-I mean working-as "freemen" at our factories for very long hours in very poor conditions for very very low pay."

"Exactly. Now send their jerk of a leader a message: that we'll totally own his starving undead army, and I'll stake his pompous old slutty ass and trust his freaking head off with my trusty axe."

"You didn't pack your axe, sir."

"Then I'll beat his corpse with my most holy esteemed bible and take a shit on his corpse, then make his bitch my other bitch. Send it to him just like that."

"There's no need for that, you could just tell him yourself. This train is now in southern territory."

There was a thunk! and the sound of someone walking on the roof above.

"Looks like he's here," the aide said.

"I'm stepping down! I'm not going die 'cause of some niggas!" Abe cried, shedding tears, "In fact fuck them! KKK for life!"

There was a click and the door swung open, showing nothing but darkness on the other side.

Then Van Helsing walked in.

"Pizza?"