UPDATED A/N: This has been drastically rewritten and reposted for your reading pleasure. I've learned more about how Edward thinks about things ever since I wrote this so I decided to rewrite it. You may recognize parts of this that are similar to the original because I took the original and just added to it.
A/N: Just a little angsty one shot I've had in my head. In this version, Edward stashes the stuff and leaves the note AFTER leaving Bella in the woods.
Disclaimer: Obviously I don't own Twilight or New Moon, though if Stephenie Meyer's willing, I'll take Edward off her hands.
Why? Why did it all have to end? Why did I have to hurt her to save her?
But how could she not know how much I loved her? How hard it was to leave her? I loved her with everything I had. I wanted to give her everything and more. But I couldn't give her one thing. And that was the only thing she wanted.
Damnation.
So I flirted with disaster every time I got near her. I would never be able to tell her how much restraint I had to expend to even spend a second with her. It had gotten easier, but every time I looked at her neck, kissed her a little too much, the monster in me surfaced, screaming for me to take what was mine, to take the blood that ran through her veins.
But I couldn't. I wouldn't. So I left, to protect her.
It had hurt to see her believe me. I knew that I was good at lying. I had to be to survive. But it had pierced whatever wisp of my soul that remained to see her think that I could leave her. But that pain was nothing when I turned from her and left. That pain was the worse, because I knew the last memory I would have of her would be her tears. Even now, I could smell the salt from them. But it was fading, just as her memories of me would.
I didn't want them to fade, but at the same time, I wanted her to forget me and move on. I wanted her to be happy, to smile, to laugh.
Without me.
I turned back now, skirting the area where Bella was, if I got close to her, I would never be able to really leave. I would go back to her and hold her in my arms until she forgot my heinous crime of making her cry. But I couldn't. I would take my pain and be able to know that for once, I'd done something right for her.
It was going to hurt more to go back to her home, her room. To smell her scent, remember memories I wanted to suppress. But I had promised her peace without reminders of me and my kind.
When I walked through her door for the last time, I was numb. This couldn't be her home. There was no smiling heart shaped face. No warm brown eyes. There was no Bella waiting for me at the kitchen table or on the couch. I wasn't holding her and telling her I loved her. I wasn't kissing her goodbye for the ten minutes I would spend leaving my car at home and then coming back. And yet it was hers. And it would be hers, with or without me.
The note was a little harder. I had to remember notes and letters she had written to me to get the handwriting right. Most of them brought with them more memories of her and me together. Us laughing, happy, in love. But I would always love her, even if she would stop loving me. I could never forget her, never love her any less. The only thing that would keep me going in the years to come would be the knowledge that she was happy. Maybe for once, I could do something good for her.
Charlie would need to know where she was. If anything happened to her…no. Nothing would happen to her, because I was leaving. If I left, she would be safe. No more roaming vampires to endanger her. I wrote only the shortest of notes. I couldn't make myself write anything more. Anything that would make the throbbing pain in my chest worse.
Going for a walk with Edward, up the path, back soon.
B.
I couldn't bring myself to write her name. If I couldn't even do that, what was I going to do when I was truly gone from here? When my mind wouldn't be able to focus on a task? In the inevitable moments where there was nothing to think about? I was already dreading tonight. But it was for her, not me, that I was leaving. If I had to endure some pain, so be it. But what would my life be like without Bella? What would my life be like without my sun?
I couldn't focus on that. Each minute I wasted here was a step closer to going back to her. I couldn't. I'd promised.
It was her room that got me. Her scent was everywhere, intertwined with my own. Reminders of a happier time. And that was why I was here. To get rid of them.
I decided to start with the tickets. The gift that would have the least effect, I reasoned. I found them easily. She had put them on her bedside table where she could see them whenever she looked there. Before I could stop it, her face when she had first seen them found its way into my mind. She was so happy at the idea of being with me. And though she may not believe it anymore, I had been overjoyed at the thought of spending time with her and her family. I wouldn't have minded staying indoors for her. Besides, who knew what treasures of information I could find in her home? But I would never find anything out, because it would never be. It could never be. I wouldn't let it.
The CD was next. I knew it would still be in her CD player, right where I'd put it that fateful night. I made the mistake of letting my mind wander once again, and yet again her face was there. The way she had cried tears of joy at something so simple as that had made my un-beating heart warm. I remembered the day I'd spent recording it with Alice. She'd said that Bella would love it, but she couldn't possibly have foreseen how much she really did. God, I wanted to just see her one more time. One last kiss, one last smile. But that time was over. It had to be over for her own good.
The pictures were the worst. To see her in the photos trying so hard to smile made me want to scream. She had known something was wrong, she had seen the way I had tried to distance myself from her. She had always been observant. How else could she have found out what I was?
But maybe that was my first mistake, letting her know what I was. If she had never found out, she could've been safe from me and the monster that lived inside me. She would never have had to look over her shoulder, fearing that she only had a few more moments to live. She would have never had to be brave, be scared, be hurt.
I really was no good for her. All I brought her was pain, all I could give was sorrow. And in return, she gave so much. Her smile, her laugh, her kisses, a meaning to live. How could I ever repay the debt I owed to her? She thought that she didn't deserve me, but in truth it was entirely the other way around. For the first time in over a century, I had a reason to live. And I had deluded myself into thinking that someone like me could have a soul. A soulless monster doesn't deserve an angel like her.
I only took the ones that had me in them. I didn't think it was fair to take them all. I allowed myself one last look at her, but it wasn't her in the photo. It was a disgusting imitation of her, as if some novice artist had taken brush to canvas without knowing whom he painted. Her smile was forced, the chocolate eyes I always fell into didn't sparkle. After I left, this would be the image that would haunt me all the while I was away.
What to do with it all though? I couldn't bring myself to burn it all. Even if I promised I would leave nothing that could remind her of me, I couldn't bring myself to completely erase myself from her life. And maybe she would never find it, but it would always be here. A little reminder that I existed in this place, a little reminder that I lived with and loved the girl who owned this room. Maybe one day, a long time from now, when Bella was married and happy, she would find this. And even though she may not love me anymore, she could know I had always loved her.
So I lifted up the floorboard, and set myself down into the dusty, dark cavern I had found.
Even if I couldn't be with her, there would always be a piece of me here. Always.
A/N: Wow, I almost doubled this. I decided to focus more on why Edward was leaving this time around, than the actual leaving. So please read and review.