Love Potion Number Zed
by AnitaLife aka "I Go By Many Names"
First written: July 2009
Fandom: The Mighty Boosh
Humor, Parody
Rated: T
Legal: I don't own 'em, I just want to borrow the sandbox and play.
Interviewer Jonathan Ross made Noel apologize to Julian for Vince destroying Howard's record in "Journey to the Center of the Punk". What is wrong with people! That would be like when they fired John K from Ren and Stimpey and they became syrupy friends. Eegads!
This story shows what would happen if Vince were completely nice to Howard all of the time and explores how Howard would feel about it. It is also inspired by the Clover's hit, "Love Potion Number 9".
It's as slash as any actual Boosh ep, because pretty much every ep is about their relationship. If you're looking for a more…um…explicit version, this ain't it. They are strictly platonic in this.
Love Potion Number Zed
Naboo was livid. As angry as Howard had ever seen him and far more angry than Howard could have imagined. The forever-doped, laid-back, easy-going Shaman was off his tits with rage, trading incense for incensed. Howard listened to the lecture for what seemed to be the tenth time.
"Now you've really gone and done it, Howard!" Naboo said, as he paced like a caged jaguar.
"I know, Naboo! Please, just help me try to fix it! I can't take it anymore!"
"Good! You deserve everything coming to you!"
"I know!"
"I could lose my license over this!"
"Harold is idiot," Bollo grumbled.
"Stay out of this!" both Naboo and Howard said in unison.
"This is the worst kind of magics! The worst kind!" Naboo ranted. "No good can ever come of this!"
"I know!" Howard said, weary to the bone. "Look, yell at me all you want, but we just have to set things back to rights! I can't live this way!"
"What about Vince?" Bollo chimed in, but backed down under the glares from the arguing men.
"Sorry," Bollo cowered.
"Can it be fixed?" Howard pleaded.
"I will have to bring this to the attention of the Council. The Head Shamans of several sections will need to be involved. Most times…" Naboo paused.
"What?"
"Love potions are irreversible! It can never be changed!"
"Oh no," Howard whined and ran his hands over his face in desperation.
"I promise you Howard, if you ever touch my stuff again, I will turn you into a monkfish and you can suck mud from the bottom of the Thames for 10,000 years!"
Just then the bell of the shop rang and a cheerful voice called for 'Howard!' in a sing song, 'Honey I'm home' kind of way.
Howard cringed and groaned.
"Well," Naboo prompted, "go to him then."
"I can't! He's probably been shopping for me again. Probably bought me something nice. What will I say?"
"Say, 'thank you, Vince'," Naboo ordered.
"No! If I'm nice to him, he gets even worse."
"And, if you're mean, he'll get sick and die of a broken heart," Naboo informed Howard of what he already knew.
"This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me!" Howard winged.
"Look, he's your best friend and after this, he may be your only friend. You've brought this on yourself and now it's your responsibility to look after him."
"If not, Bollo rip Harold's arms off. Vince precious angel!"
They both ignored Bollo, but Howard hefted a war-weary shrug of resignation and gave in to the inevitable.
Howard seemed to encounter only two kinds of love in his life. One "love" would be that of no love at all. The other would be this fanatical, insane, unreasoned devotion. Bollo was right. It was Vince that was really going to suffer in the long run and it was Howard's mistake that led him to this. They would have to work it out. Somehow.
tbc…