This is my first holiday phic. Just some light, random, seasonal humor
thought up out of nowhere, especially for you. Enjoy!
Disclaimer : Don't own any of 'em, except for one ballet girl I made up. Wahoo!
Pere Noel
Scene : A week before Christmas, Erik is sitting all alone in his lair, feeling depressed. (As usual.) But this time he has a legitimate reason ...
Erik : *sigh* "I hate Christmas." (Just then, Christine bursts in dressed from head to toe like Mrs. Claus. She is carrying a rather large bag.)
Christine : "Erik! Season's Greetings!"
Erik : "Ugh ..."
Christine : "Be a doll and hold this?" (Hands him the bag and begins pulling decorations out of it and hanging them up around the lair.)
Erik : "Uh, Christine?" (She looks up, innocently.) "What are you doing?"
Christine : "Well, what does it look like I'm doing , silly? Your house has to have the correct interior design appropriate for the season!"
Erik : "Gee, uh, that's very sweet of you, Christine, but in case you didn't know, and this may come as a bit of a surprise to you : I don't like Christmas."
Christine : *Tsk* "I know that. That's what all this is for! Now, your elves will be here in about five minutes, so just sit tight until then, okay?"
Erik : "Elves?"
Christine : "Yes, of course elves! You can hardly be convincing without elves!"
Erik : (Now very confused.) "Convincing? Convincing at what? What's going on here?"
Christine : "Oh, that's right!" (Hits herself on the forehead) "I forgot to tell you, didn't I?"
Erik : "Either that or one of us suffers from severe short - term memory ..."
Christine : "Well, as you know, Joseph Buquet is usually our resident Santa Claus here at the Opera. But since he's dead now, we figured he probably wouldn't be up to playing the role. So I volunteered you to do it instead! Isn't that great?"
Erik : "You WHAT!?"
Christine : (Matter-of-factly) "I figured it was only fair, seeing as how you were the one who killed him and all."
Erik : "Dang, I knew that would come back to haunt me ..." (There is a knock at the door.)
Christine : "I'll get it!" (Runs to open it ) "Oh, don't you three look just ADORABLE! Come in and let Erik see you!" (Christine rushes back in, grinning like a cheshire cat, followed by Raoul, Andre, and Firmin ... all dressed as elves.)
Raoul : (Prancing around, the bells on his toes and hat jingling merrily) "Look at me, I'm an elf!"
Andre : (To Christine.) "How much are we getting payed for this again?"
Christine : "You guys aren't getting payed! This counts towards your community service hours, remember? Because of your recent brush with the law."
Andre : "Oh yeah ..."
Firmin : (Acknowledging Erik.) "Hey, wait just a minute here! How come he's not all dressed up like some fruity elf? I thought you said he was going to be Jolly Old St. Nick!"
Raoul : "He certainly doesn't look very jolly to me."
Erik : (Reaching for his Punjab lasso.) "And there's a good reason for that, too ..."
Christine : "Keep your bells on, I was just getting to that!" (Hands Erik the bag.) "Erik, will you please go change into this? And make it snappy, dear, the children will be arriving soon."
Erik : "Children?" (Stares blankly at her.)
Christine : "Erik! When I said change I didn't mean tomorrow! Now hop to it! We don't have all day!" (Erik scampers off into the next room, still looking rather confused but not entirely willing to mess with Christine.) "Okay then, where's my Rudolph?"
Firmin : "Uh, yeah, about that ... I don't know if you picked the most *ahem* appropriate person for that part. You see -" (Just then, Piangi enters, dressed as Santa Claus.)
Piangi : (Very enthusiasticly) "Ho ho ho!"
Christine : "Piangi!" (Stamps foot) "You were supposed to be my Rudolph!"
Piangi : *hmph* "Rudolph indeed! I am not accustomed to such trivial roles! I demand to play the lead!"
Raoul : "But Rudolph is the star! He saves the day by using his nose to guide Santa's sleigh through the otherwise impermeable blizzard."
Piangi : "That's another thing I don't like about that character. I refuse to parade around with a stupid red ball attatched to my nose like some sort of circus clown! I mean, wearing antlers with little jingle bells on them is bad enough."
Christine : (Exasperated) "But you can't be Santa Claus! We already have one!"
Piangi : (Scoffs) "Who?"
Christine : "Erik." (Piangi bursts out laughing.)
Piangi : "W-wh-what!? ERIK!?" (More laughter) "You're joking, right? The Parisian Ebeneezer Scrooge is going to portray Father Christmas? Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh my, that's a good one!" (Wipes away tear.) "But really, if we can be serious for a moment ..."
Christine : "But I am being serious. Look, I'll show you. Erik! Are you ready yet?" (Unintelligible grumbling from next room.) "Erik? Can we see how you look?"
Erik : "No!"
Christine : "Erik! Get out here right now! Don't make me use your middle name ..."
Erik : "Alright, alright ..." (Enters dressed in a Santa suit miles too big for him, wearing little gold buckles on his boots and belt. Everyone except Christine bursts into peals of laughter.) "Grrrr ..."
Christine : "My, that suit looks so ... spacious ..." (She moves towards him and begins tugging on the costume, trying to make it fit.) "Here, just let me make a few minor *mmph* adjustments ... You'll be Ho Ho Ho-ing in no time ... Maybe some pins ... and duct tape ... Are you sure you can't pull this belt any tighter?"
Erik : "Sorry, that's as far as it'll go."
Andre : (Finally regaining control of himself.) "Dude, don't you eat at all? Your body would make Calista Flockhart chartruese with envy."
Firmin : "Seriously. Are you sure you still want him to be Santa Claus, Christine? I mean, just look at him. St. Nick is supposed to be jolly and fat and have a rosy complexion and smoking pipe."
Raoul : (Studying Erik) "Well, he's definitely not fat, and we've already established that, as of now, he's not feeling particularly jolly." (Tapping Erik's mask with his finger) "Rosy isn't exactly the term I would use to describe his complexion, and he's not reeking of pipe tobacco, so I think it's safe to assume he doesn't smoke."
Erik : "I used to, but I gave it up for my voice. Now I stick to good old fashioned morphine for that irreplacable burst of euphoria."
Firmin : "Whoa ... Santa on hallucinogenic drugs ... "
Andre : "It sounds like an episode of South Park."
Raoul : "I think maybe you'd better go with Piangi on this one. At least his belly shakes like a bowl-full of jelly when he laughs." (Everyone looks to the still hysterical Piangi, who is rolling around on the floor.)
Erik : (Regarding Piangi) "Wait a minute, what is this? My understudy?"
Piangi : (Jumping up from the floor) "Hardly! The day I understudy YOU is the day Rob Schneider actually makes a good movie."
Christine : (Explaining) "He wants to play Santa ..."
Erik : (Undoing his belt) "Hey, who am I to stand in the way of raw talent?"
Christine : "BUT ... He already has a job." (Takes out a red ball and sticks it on Piangi's nose) "He's going to be Rudolph ..."
Piangi : *Grumble*
Christine : (To Erik) "... and YOU'RE going to be Santa." (Erik pouts) "Just a few pillows here and there, a beard and maybe some rouge, and you'll be the best Father Christmas ever."
Erik : "Did she say 'rouge?'" (Christine pushes Erik off into the next room to help him become more Santa-y. Just then, the Persian enters.)
Raoul : "Persian-Guy! How's it hangin', dude? Merry Christmas!"
Persian : "First of all, my name isn't 'Persian-Guy.' It's Nadir. Secondly, considering where we are standing right now, I don't know if I'd use the term 'hanging' so loosely. And lastly, I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm Muslim."
Raoul : "I bought you a present!"
Persian : "... Why?"
Raoul : (Cheerfully) "It's Christmas!"
Persian : "But I'm not -" (Raoul cuts him off by thrusting a festively wrapped package in his face. He sighs and opens it unenthusiastically to reveal a headband with a piece of mistletoe sticking out from the top.) "What is this?"
Raoul : "It's a mistletoe headband!" (He places the item on the Persian's head.) "I noticed you seem kind of lonely, so I thought a nice, romantic Christmas tradition would help break the ice when you talk to girls."
Persian : "Um, thanks."
Raoul : "No problem. Look, I'll demonstrate." (He puts on the headband)
Persian : (Backing away.) "No, no, that's okay, really. I think I can, uh, figure it out for myself."
Raoul : "Okay then." (Takes off headband and turns to Andre and Firmin.) "I got you guys something, too!" (Hands them a square package with a red bow on top.)
Firmin : "Ooh, free stuff! I'm there!" (Begins frantically tearing into the wrapping paper.)
Andre : (Eagerly) "Is it money?"
Firmin : (Staring at the present) "No ... It's a ... book?" (Looks confused) "Do people actually give books as gifts?"
Andre : (Reading the title) "'Opera Management For Dummies ...'"
Persian : (To Raoul) "Ah, touche."
Firmin : "So ... what are you saying?"
Persian : "Does he really have to spell it out for you?"
Raoul : "After Erik dropped the chandelier on all the people and made Carlotta sing like a little froggy, I figured you guys probably needed some advice on how to handle things around here." (Opens book) "Look! It's perfect for you : 'Chapter One : How to Deal with Troublesome Ghosts'"
Andre : (Scratching his head.) "Well, I'll be ..." (Suddenly, Christine comes racing into the room looking extremely pleased with herself.)
Christine : "You guys have to see Erik! He looks so perfect! Erik! Come on out and let us see how you look!"
Erik : "Absolutely not!"
Christine : (Stamping foot) "Erik! Now!"
Erik : "No! Not even if you promised to love me forever and drown the Vicomte in the lake yourself!"
Christine : "I'm counting! Onnneee ..."
Erik : "I can't heeearrr you! I can't heeaaarrr you! Lalalalalala!"
Christine : "Twwwoooo ... TEN! That's it, buster, you're in a lotta trouble now!" (Goes into the next room) "You come out here right now or else!"
Erik : "Or else what? What are you gonna do, huh?" (A brief pause) "No! Not that! Not the tickle spiders! AaagggghhhhhStophahahahawwwaaahahahahahahaokay! OKAY! I give uphahahahahaha! HeeheehehehehehhoohhooI'll go, I'll go! Just please, STOP!" (Silence. Christine enters, dusting her hands on her apron. She straightens her hat and then turns around and looks towards the next room.)
Christine : "Erik?" (Erik shuffles in with his head down. The formerly - baggy suit is now stuffed with several pillows, some of which are sticking out at various areas. The parts of his face that aren't covered by the mask have been heavily rouged, and a rather fake - looking beard rests over his mouth and chin. Glasses and green mittens complete the look.)
Everyone Except Christine : "BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Erik : *Smoke coming out of his ears*
Christine : (To everyone) "Now cut that out! I think he looks just darling!" *A knock at the door* "*Gasp!* It's the kids! Okay Erik, you sit there." (Points to the throne) "And everyone else : You know what to do!" (Leaves to welcome the guests)
Disclaimer : Don't own any of 'em, except for one ballet girl I made up. Wahoo!
Pere Noel
Scene : A week before Christmas, Erik is sitting all alone in his lair, feeling depressed. (As usual.) But this time he has a legitimate reason ...
Erik : *sigh* "I hate Christmas." (Just then, Christine bursts in dressed from head to toe like Mrs. Claus. She is carrying a rather large bag.)
Christine : "Erik! Season's Greetings!"
Erik : "Ugh ..."
Christine : "Be a doll and hold this?" (Hands him the bag and begins pulling decorations out of it and hanging them up around the lair.)
Erik : "Uh, Christine?" (She looks up, innocently.) "What are you doing?"
Christine : "Well, what does it look like I'm doing , silly? Your house has to have the correct interior design appropriate for the season!"
Erik : "Gee, uh, that's very sweet of you, Christine, but in case you didn't know, and this may come as a bit of a surprise to you : I don't like Christmas."
Christine : *Tsk* "I know that. That's what all this is for! Now, your elves will be here in about five minutes, so just sit tight until then, okay?"
Erik : "Elves?"
Christine : "Yes, of course elves! You can hardly be convincing without elves!"
Erik : (Now very confused.) "Convincing? Convincing at what? What's going on here?"
Christine : "Oh, that's right!" (Hits herself on the forehead) "I forgot to tell you, didn't I?"
Erik : "Either that or one of us suffers from severe short - term memory ..."
Christine : "Well, as you know, Joseph Buquet is usually our resident Santa Claus here at the Opera. But since he's dead now, we figured he probably wouldn't be up to playing the role. So I volunteered you to do it instead! Isn't that great?"
Erik : "You WHAT!?"
Christine : (Matter-of-factly) "I figured it was only fair, seeing as how you were the one who killed him and all."
Erik : "Dang, I knew that would come back to haunt me ..." (There is a knock at the door.)
Christine : "I'll get it!" (Runs to open it ) "Oh, don't you three look just ADORABLE! Come in and let Erik see you!" (Christine rushes back in, grinning like a cheshire cat, followed by Raoul, Andre, and Firmin ... all dressed as elves.)
Raoul : (Prancing around, the bells on his toes and hat jingling merrily) "Look at me, I'm an elf!"
Andre : (To Christine.) "How much are we getting payed for this again?"
Christine : "You guys aren't getting payed! This counts towards your community service hours, remember? Because of your recent brush with the law."
Andre : "Oh yeah ..."
Firmin : (Acknowledging Erik.) "Hey, wait just a minute here! How come he's not all dressed up like some fruity elf? I thought you said he was going to be Jolly Old St. Nick!"
Raoul : "He certainly doesn't look very jolly to me."
Erik : (Reaching for his Punjab lasso.) "And there's a good reason for that, too ..."
Christine : "Keep your bells on, I was just getting to that!" (Hands Erik the bag.) "Erik, will you please go change into this? And make it snappy, dear, the children will be arriving soon."
Erik : "Children?" (Stares blankly at her.)
Christine : "Erik! When I said change I didn't mean tomorrow! Now hop to it! We don't have all day!" (Erik scampers off into the next room, still looking rather confused but not entirely willing to mess with Christine.) "Okay then, where's my Rudolph?"
Firmin : "Uh, yeah, about that ... I don't know if you picked the most *ahem* appropriate person for that part. You see -" (Just then, Piangi enters, dressed as Santa Claus.)
Piangi : (Very enthusiasticly) "Ho ho ho!"
Christine : "Piangi!" (Stamps foot) "You were supposed to be my Rudolph!"
Piangi : *hmph* "Rudolph indeed! I am not accustomed to such trivial roles! I demand to play the lead!"
Raoul : "But Rudolph is the star! He saves the day by using his nose to guide Santa's sleigh through the otherwise impermeable blizzard."
Piangi : "That's another thing I don't like about that character. I refuse to parade around with a stupid red ball attatched to my nose like some sort of circus clown! I mean, wearing antlers with little jingle bells on them is bad enough."
Christine : (Exasperated) "But you can't be Santa Claus! We already have one!"
Piangi : (Scoffs) "Who?"
Christine : "Erik." (Piangi bursts out laughing.)
Piangi : "W-wh-what!? ERIK!?" (More laughter) "You're joking, right? The Parisian Ebeneezer Scrooge is going to portray Father Christmas? Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Oh my, that's a good one!" (Wipes away tear.) "But really, if we can be serious for a moment ..."
Christine : "But I am being serious. Look, I'll show you. Erik! Are you ready yet?" (Unintelligible grumbling from next room.) "Erik? Can we see how you look?"
Erik : "No!"
Christine : "Erik! Get out here right now! Don't make me use your middle name ..."
Erik : "Alright, alright ..." (Enters dressed in a Santa suit miles too big for him, wearing little gold buckles on his boots and belt. Everyone except Christine bursts into peals of laughter.) "Grrrr ..."
Christine : "My, that suit looks so ... spacious ..." (She moves towards him and begins tugging on the costume, trying to make it fit.) "Here, just let me make a few minor *mmph* adjustments ... You'll be Ho Ho Ho-ing in no time ... Maybe some pins ... and duct tape ... Are you sure you can't pull this belt any tighter?"
Erik : "Sorry, that's as far as it'll go."
Andre : (Finally regaining control of himself.) "Dude, don't you eat at all? Your body would make Calista Flockhart chartruese with envy."
Firmin : "Seriously. Are you sure you still want him to be Santa Claus, Christine? I mean, just look at him. St. Nick is supposed to be jolly and fat and have a rosy complexion and smoking pipe."
Raoul : (Studying Erik) "Well, he's definitely not fat, and we've already established that, as of now, he's not feeling particularly jolly." (Tapping Erik's mask with his finger) "Rosy isn't exactly the term I would use to describe his complexion, and he's not reeking of pipe tobacco, so I think it's safe to assume he doesn't smoke."
Erik : "I used to, but I gave it up for my voice. Now I stick to good old fashioned morphine for that irreplacable burst of euphoria."
Firmin : "Whoa ... Santa on hallucinogenic drugs ... "
Andre : "It sounds like an episode of South Park."
Raoul : "I think maybe you'd better go with Piangi on this one. At least his belly shakes like a bowl-full of jelly when he laughs." (Everyone looks to the still hysterical Piangi, who is rolling around on the floor.)
Erik : (Regarding Piangi) "Wait a minute, what is this? My understudy?"
Piangi : (Jumping up from the floor) "Hardly! The day I understudy YOU is the day Rob Schneider actually makes a good movie."
Christine : (Explaining) "He wants to play Santa ..."
Erik : (Undoing his belt) "Hey, who am I to stand in the way of raw talent?"
Christine : "BUT ... He already has a job." (Takes out a red ball and sticks it on Piangi's nose) "He's going to be Rudolph ..."
Piangi : *Grumble*
Christine : (To Erik) "... and YOU'RE going to be Santa." (Erik pouts) "Just a few pillows here and there, a beard and maybe some rouge, and you'll be the best Father Christmas ever."
Erik : "Did she say 'rouge?'" (Christine pushes Erik off into the next room to help him become more Santa-y. Just then, the Persian enters.)
Raoul : "Persian-Guy! How's it hangin', dude? Merry Christmas!"
Persian : "First of all, my name isn't 'Persian-Guy.' It's Nadir. Secondly, considering where we are standing right now, I don't know if I'd use the term 'hanging' so loosely. And lastly, I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm Muslim."
Raoul : "I bought you a present!"
Persian : "... Why?"
Raoul : (Cheerfully) "It's Christmas!"
Persian : "But I'm not -" (Raoul cuts him off by thrusting a festively wrapped package in his face. He sighs and opens it unenthusiastically to reveal a headband with a piece of mistletoe sticking out from the top.) "What is this?"
Raoul : "It's a mistletoe headband!" (He places the item on the Persian's head.) "I noticed you seem kind of lonely, so I thought a nice, romantic Christmas tradition would help break the ice when you talk to girls."
Persian : "Um, thanks."
Raoul : "No problem. Look, I'll demonstrate." (He puts on the headband)
Persian : (Backing away.) "No, no, that's okay, really. I think I can, uh, figure it out for myself."
Raoul : "Okay then." (Takes off headband and turns to Andre and Firmin.) "I got you guys something, too!" (Hands them a square package with a red bow on top.)
Firmin : "Ooh, free stuff! I'm there!" (Begins frantically tearing into the wrapping paper.)
Andre : (Eagerly) "Is it money?"
Firmin : (Staring at the present) "No ... It's a ... book?" (Looks confused) "Do people actually give books as gifts?"
Andre : (Reading the title) "'Opera Management For Dummies ...'"
Persian : (To Raoul) "Ah, touche."
Firmin : "So ... what are you saying?"
Persian : "Does he really have to spell it out for you?"
Raoul : "After Erik dropped the chandelier on all the people and made Carlotta sing like a little froggy, I figured you guys probably needed some advice on how to handle things around here." (Opens book) "Look! It's perfect for you : 'Chapter One : How to Deal with Troublesome Ghosts'"
Andre : (Scratching his head.) "Well, I'll be ..." (Suddenly, Christine comes racing into the room looking extremely pleased with herself.)
Christine : "You guys have to see Erik! He looks so perfect! Erik! Come on out and let us see how you look!"
Erik : "Absolutely not!"
Christine : (Stamping foot) "Erik! Now!"
Erik : "No! Not even if you promised to love me forever and drown the Vicomte in the lake yourself!"
Christine : "I'm counting! Onnneee ..."
Erik : "I can't heeearrr you! I can't heeaaarrr you! Lalalalalala!"
Christine : "Twwwoooo ... TEN! That's it, buster, you're in a lotta trouble now!" (Goes into the next room) "You come out here right now or else!"
Erik : "Or else what? What are you gonna do, huh?" (A brief pause) "No! Not that! Not the tickle spiders! AaagggghhhhhStophahahahawwwaaahahahahahahaokay! OKAY! I give uphahahahahaha! HeeheehehehehehhoohhooI'll go, I'll go! Just please, STOP!" (Silence. Christine enters, dusting her hands on her apron. She straightens her hat and then turns around and looks towards the next room.)
Christine : "Erik?" (Erik shuffles in with his head down. The formerly - baggy suit is now stuffed with several pillows, some of which are sticking out at various areas. The parts of his face that aren't covered by the mask have been heavily rouged, and a rather fake - looking beard rests over his mouth and chin. Glasses and green mittens complete the look.)
Everyone Except Christine : "BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Erik : *Smoke coming out of his ears*
Christine : (To everyone) "Now cut that out! I think he looks just darling!" *A knock at the door* "*Gasp!* It's the kids! Okay Erik, you sit there." (Points to the throne) "And everyone else : You know what to do!" (Leaves to welcome the guests)