For the first time ever, it felt like uncertainty. Always in the past, when I thought about how everything was going to be, it was like I knew it was all going to pan out. All I had to do was my best, and then my life would fall into place. The world was so beautiful, and then so terrifying. I couldn't face it on my own anymore. Then you came.
In that day when everything shifted, I felt relieved; I felt like the chains had been broken and everything else had been washed clean. I felt clean and safe and strong. Then, in that same moment, it was all gone. I had gained so much in memory, and had lost so much in feeling. The pain and the sadness could not be kept away; the floods broke through me in tears I couldn't stop. They stained my pillow at night; they slid invisibly down my smiling cheeks for months. I could not let you go, but you were gone already.
When the world changed again, I felt no different at all. It was the same happy face on the same happy girl. I wish it could have stayed like that. Most nights, I would dream distantly of a happy ending, and most days I would think of someone I never knew. Then you came back, just as you always were. We fought, I cried, and you laughed. But where are we now?
My memories returned, and yours stayed away. Why? Every time I see your mocking smile, I think deep down, this is my prince. Some days, I see you close off everyone around you, and I think someday you'll see me for who I am. I fight, and I serve, and I trust, and I hope more than anything that when someday comes, you'll see there's something worth keeping.
Everything in my world has changed. I still laugh and smile, I still whine and fight, but nothing will ever be the same again. I see you, as you are now. Without trying, you block me out, you push me away, and you hide somewhere deep in your head. How can I reach you? Is it possible at all that I can? Where would we be if our past hadn't caught up to us –the prince and princess who couldn't love each other? The girl who couldn't let go, and the man who couldn't let her in?
You lay there, broken and bleeding on the hard cement ground, the vines twist and breathe around you. And I feel…hesitant. I am afraid. There is no guarantee, there are no refunds; it is simply this. Either you will see through the pain in my face, see the reason I would give my life for you, or you will never know. I don't know which I prefer. I want happiness, and I want a normal life, and I want you to love me as desperately as I love you.
Pain aches from every inch of skin and muscle and bone at my back, the sudden weakness brings me to my knees. Even panting, even knowing this could be the end; I force myself to stand stronger to take the oncoming blow. Your face is peaceful, beautiful. The tears fall heavy down my face. All I wanted was you.
Am I just a memory?
The pain is blinding. I can feel myself scream. Blood drips freely from my skirt to the ground, and the sight of it makes me sick. Please, I feel myself beg, please keep him safe. The shadows grow longer, the pain goes farther away. The ground rushes up to meet me, the heady feeling floods my limbs as I fall, the twisting world slides away.
Even broken, even bleeding, I seek the sweet face of my prince beside me. His eyes are large and concerned, his face scratched and bleeding. I think maybe, someday, when the fighting stops; he'll know what I've sacrificed to keep him safe. Someday, he'll know how much I care.
That's when his hand touches mine, and his eyes are soft and sad.
And I think, maybe someday is today.