DAWN OF THE INFERI
Chapter One
One fine day in the middle of the summer, a young man named Harry Potter woke up. He is a fine upstanding English wizard who goes to school and sometimes gets good grades. Right now he is staying in his mate Ron's house because his nasty uncle punted Harry out of his house the last time he tried to come in. The last school year was a rather jolly one even despite the fact that he had to help his head teacher man find some old stuff because THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT had taken them from some other people and he, THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT, had hidden them. THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT can be rather nasty sometimes; didn't his mum ever tell him to play nice? Ah well… back to the story at hand.
Our hero, Harry Potter is currently yawning. The next thing you know, a great big spider flies into the window. The noise wakes Ron and he looks out the window, screams and begins to run in circles. Harry shakes his head in an exasperated-hero way and then he opens the window.
"Hello Harry," says the spider.
"Oh hallo Aragog, what brings you to this neck of the woods?"
" Well," replied the spider (because of course in this fanfic, monsters can talk) "hagrid made me come over here to tell you that THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT has got a new batch of inferi"
"Infer-watsits?" replied Harry stupidly.
"Inferi," said the spider calmly, "they are dead bodies that walk round for a while, and they are generally used by DARK LORDS to be nasty to the rest of us."
"Oooh," said our slightly dialogue challenged hero. "So what does he want me to do about it?"
"Well," said the eight legged messenger, "Dumbledore told him to tell me to tell you that………."
At this precise critical moment, Ron comes out of nowhere with an enormous shovel.
"Hiyah," he says, "take that you bloody spider! And that and that!" throughout all of this horribly cliché speech, Ron is whacking Aragog the eight legged messenger with the shovel.
"Ron!" screams Harry, "what are you doing! This spider was going to tell me another way to beat THE DARK LORD VOLDEMORT!"
"No he wasn't, this spider is not the Aragog who tried to eat me six years ago…."
"Well who the #$&! Is it then?" says our potty-mouthed hero. (Bad Harry! You get soap for supper)
" This," says Ron the violent mate, in a very dramatic whisper, "is…"
Then again at a very critical point in the story, the ice cream truck drives by. Harry in a moment of childish glee jumps out the window to chase the ice cream truck, forgetting about the fact that Ron's room is lots of floors up. Since Harry is the hero, he survives the 25-foot fall and jumps up again to catch the truck.
After chasing the yellow truck for over 10 miles, it finally runs out of gas and Harry gets his ice cream, (chocolate fudge with pop rocks) after the gas station attendant fills up the ice cream truck's tank, the driver asks if Harry would like a ride. Harry of course being the gullible fish we all know he is jumps into the stranger's car. The car starts rolling down the road and Harry doesn't look at his chauffer for a long while, when he does suddenly he realizes that the face is rather familiar, now who's could it be? The ice cream truck is now heading for the Burrow and that's when Harry realizes that he never said where he was staying……….. Dun dun dun.
The truck pulls up into the messy driveway and stops. Harry tries to get out and that's when he realizes…. There isn't any door! He turns around to talk to the familiar looking driver just when… Ginny runs up screaming like mad. "Eeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkk!"
Harry blasts through the nonexistent door with his magical powers and then presses on to chase after Ginny. When he finally catches her he asks what is wrong.
"What's wrong?" Ginny replies giving him a strange look, "I have no idea what you are talking about" this of course confuses our poor hero and he dashes away from his one true love.
Not knowing where he is going, Harry of course rambles into the screen door. Mrs. Weasley, opens the invisible screen door for her seventh son. She then picks him up, switches on the radio with a flick of her wand, and she and Harry begin to dance. Suddenly all of our favorite characters are there, and every one of them has a partner and they all begin to dance.
Harry pulls away from Molly and he reaches out for Fleur when Bill comes up and sees what Harry is trying to do. Bill of course, being very possessive, whips out his wand and challenges Harry to a wizards duel. Harry stares at him open mouthed, now he recognizes the truck driver, it was the ghost of the old muggle who might not have really died, whom Harry saw in a dream he couldn't remember. This is all coming to Harry just now because he secretly has A.D.D this is also why this entire story is jumping around because if our protagonist is bored, or not paying attention, we doubt that you are either.
So instantly, the big violent battle scene pops up when, Harry and Bill unsheathe their wands and it all begins rather a lot like a old cowboy movie, with the sun shining at their backs and of course the funky newly in style, COWBOY OUTFITS! Harry tips his hat at all of the lovely ladies and prepares to fight for his dignity, the freedom of his countrymen, and of course, the last pop tart! Which in the course of all this describing, Bill had tried to eat! How dare he, doesn't he know its bad form to take a snack break when the narrator's talking? Ah well on with the story. Since Bill was so rude as to eat while he's supposed to be listening, he automatically loses the duel and gets shot into the Sahara desert and is never seen again. At least not until the next chapter…
Chapter Two
Harry is overcome with joy with his defeat of Bill so he does a little dance around the kitchen.
This lasts all of five minutes until Harry speaks again, "Eh, molly, go get me a sandwich, no mayo and hold the tomato."
"All right Harry love, you must be exhausted after your duel!" replied Mrs. Weasley beaming, not the least bit distraught that Harry had done away with her eldest son. With that she bustled away into the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a platter of sandwiches and a nice big pitcher of ice-cold pumpkin juice.
"Here Harry, this is all for you." overjoyed at the sight of all this food, Harry jumps on the table and guzzles this all up. In case you were wondering, all the other characters in the room got bored watching Harry and Molly having a conversation so they all went into the living room and started playing trivial pursuit, Potter edition.
"Eh Ginny, this is for the purplish pie," said hagrid in his gravely voice, "What is Harry James Potter's shoe size?"
"Oh that's easy," said Ginny in a very Hermione-ish way, "he is a size 8 in men's and a size 11 in women's shoes."
"Wow" said Harry in a very impressed voice, "I wanna play, I wanna play!"
"Alrighty then," said Hagrid, "Here Harry, you can team up with this lovely lady right here." Harry followed Hagrid's pointing finger, which had rested on Ginny. Harry jumped up and slid in next to her. Ginny blushed spectacturely but no one cared. They all had a jolly good time playing trivial pursuit with Harry answering every question wrong. Everything was all fine and dandy until Harry looked into his teacup, the normally soggy brown mess had formed itself into the words, you've got mail. Harry whipped his messy head around but couldn't see any suspicious characters. He looked back into the cup, now the tea had turned into a little picture of Dumbledore.
"Erm, Hello?" asked Harry, clearly confused, "why are you in my tea cup?"
The little picture opened it's mouth, "Harry, it's Professor Dumbledore, there's something important I need to tell you…"
Harry interrupted his hasty speech, "I know who you are, I'm not stupid you know," Dumbledore just shook his head in exasperation, "Harry, it is of vital importance that you go and find the rest of Voldemort's horcruxes."
"Why?" asked Harry.
"Because otherwise he'll, wait a minute, didn't we already talk about this?"
"Maybe," said Harry ambiguously.
"This isn't important right now Harry! Go look for the horcruxes and, and, hmmmm, you'll be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams!" said Dumbledore's picture, clearly looking for a good reason.
"I will?" asked Harry, "How?"
"Just follow the butterflies…." The tiny picture disappeared into the soggy tea.
"Wait professor, I have so many questions!" Harry said, addressing the now empty cup.