Keitaro Must Die!
Author: Sci-Fi Raptor
Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina, Family Guy, or Telletubbies
Keitaro wakes up one day to find a baby in his futon. A baby that is out for his life! What's worse, Narusegawa tells him that she's a lesbian!
Physically, I'm a full grown man, but after doing some research in the Teletubbies BBC website, I'm feel very unsettled. The counting game… such bad memories…
(I had no idea till now that Teletubbies caused gender confusion among their audience…)
(-The Morning After-)
Fürchten Sie mich, weil ich der König von allen bin! Ihre ganze Unterseite gehören uns!
"Ahh!" Keitaro screamed, bolting upright in his futon. His brain suddenly felt like it had been given the smack down by a suspiciously gay acting WWF wrestler and he clutched it in a futile attempt to stop the throbbing.
Ugh… man, how much did I drink last night… Keitaro thought in confusion. He had drunk so much that he only remembered the events that had led him into the bar, and they were only coming back bit by bit.
Oh yeah… Keitaro remembered. Naru dumped me… After so many months of trying to woo her, she had had the kindness to at least be straight with him. How ironic… he thought, at the use of that word. I should have known she was a lesbian!
Keitaro flopped back into the warm embrace of his futon and hugged his blanket for comfort.
"What the deuce?" a small voice cried out.
"Huh?" Keitaro said in surprise, and looked around for the voice.
"Unhand me now you cretin!" the voice said again. It came from his blanket.
"AH!" Keitaro yelped and jumped back in surprise. The blanket started moving on its own and Keitaro started running around in his room screaming "Its Alive!" at the top of his lungs. He eventually slipped and found himself having a front row seat view of Naru's panties.
"Pervert…" Naru said after stomping on the offending male's manhood. She looked to his futon to see what all the commotion was about. She found that his blanket was moving around as if it were alive. Sighing, she went to the blanket and unfurled it.
Inside, she found a toddler… (And obviously…)
"Aww… its so cute!" Naru said and embraced the said toddler in her dreamy bosom.
"Argh! Let me go this instant you cow!" the toddler demanded, struggling to get out of her hold as Keitaro woke up. He gave out another yelp as he heard its pleas.
"Keitaro, is this yours?" Naru asked, seemingly ignoring the child's protests.
"N-n-no!" Keitaro instantly replied. He knew what happened when he just looked at female the wrong way. If the girls found out he knocked someone up…
"Then what is he doing here?" Naru asked with her head tilted, anime-girl style.
Come to think of it, I wish I knew… Luckily for Keitaro, he had become a fast thinker due to the inevitability of being a male klutz living in an all girl's dormitory.
"I'm babysitting for a friend," his mouth shot before he could even think.
"Really?" Naru asked incredulously. Keitaro furiously nodded in hopes that maybe she'd believe him. "That's really surprising…" Naru continued, raising and lowering the child in the air amid its protests and cries. "You can barely take care of yourself. I wonder who'd actually trust the life of their child in your hands."
"Sorry," Keitaro apologized in lame-o fashion. Even after she'd dumped him, he still acted the same.
"Eww…" Naru said, handing the toddler to Keitaro. "I think he made a fudgey…"
Keitaro face faulted. Great… just great…
And inevitably, it was at that very same moment that his door slammed open and all of the Hinata-Sou became witness to the exchange.
"U-unforgivable!" Motoko seethed, her Katana drawn.
"I knew you two were up to something… but I had no idea it had gotten so far…" Kitsune said with a smirk.
"S-Sempai… and Naru Sempai…" Shinobu said just before fainting.
"Is "fudgey" good to eat?" asked Su.
"Bloody hell!" the toddler screamed in a fit, though only Keitaro seemed to notice.
(Somewhere Less Potently Painful)
Shinobu was teaching Keitaro the important lesson on how to change a toddler. He had gotten to explaining how he was babysitting for a friend that was visiting and had to go somewhere on an emergency and that he didn't know when he would be coming back. Naru had also decided that was as good a time as any to finally come out. Surprisingly, Motoko did too.
"And last, you put the powder on his bum so that he doesn't get a rash," Shinobu said, her cheeks still crimson. Even though this wasn't their toddler, Shinobu could not help but fantasize about a world where the two had fallen in love and had a child.
"Ahh, I see," Keitaro said, deep in thought. "I guess I'll try putting on the diaper now. I think I still get how to do it."
"H-hai, Sempai," Shinobu said, handing him a triangular piece of cloth and a safety pin. Keitaro got to work, amid the toddler's taunts of how he was serving him and if he liked his bum and the works. It grated on his nerves, but he couldn't tell anyone about it, not yet. Otherwise people might start thinking he's crazy.
"Hey! Are you listening!" the toddler's demanded. When Keitaro just continued to ignore him, the toddler got creative.
Tinkle, tinkle little star…
"Ah!" Keitaro yelped in surprise. The toddler had gone and peed all over him. (Keitaro had thought it was a girl up till now, actually.)
"S-sempai!" Shinobu said, stifling an urge to laugh.
"Bet you're listening now, aren't you, China-man?" the toddler taunted and went off into a maniacal laughter.
"Let me finish up, Sempai… you can wash off…" Shinobu suggested, to which Keitaro gratefully accepted.
(In the can)
While Keitaro relieved himself from the liquids consumed from last night, he started doing some heavy thinking as to what the hell was going on. The toddler couldn't be from anyone he knew. It was clearly a gaijin, had a strangely shaped head, and wore a yellow shirt and red trousers, which was clearly western.
Man, what did I do at that bar last night! Keitaro asked himself, frustrated. "Argh! I can't believe I got so wasted!" In his fits of frustration, he had accidentally gotten up and now, not only did he have to clean himself, he also had to clean the John.
(In His Room)
"Phew…" Keitaro sighed in relief. Cleaning the W.C. was hard work and he really needed to kick back. He had gone to collect the toddler, maybe find out why he was there in the first place, or just find out that he had really hit the deep end. But the girls were infatuated with him and were in the living room, using it as a communal love doll. Keitaro had learned enough to wise up when the girls had a collective infatuation with something.
He decided that catching up to some sleep would be prudent and slowly made his way into his futon. "Some sleep would really let me get over this hangover…" Keitaro said to himself as he laid his head on his pillow. He was almost unconscious when he first smelled the odor.
"That's weird… It smells like someone's cooking some meat…" Keitaro said to himself. It wasn't near anytime for the normal meals, so it couldn't be Shinobu… He felt heat come from somewhere nearby and looked towards his feet.
Which were on fire. Fire, which was rapidly consuming his futon.
"AAIEEEE!" He yelped and took out the flames that covered his body by rolling around the floor like the videos always said to. But much to his chagrin, that only helped spread the flames by setting light to the various magazines and video tapes he had sprawled all over the floor. He got up and reached for a glass bottle of water on one of his shelves and doused himself with it.
It wasn't water.
"Kitsune!" he screamed, as his hair went on fire. He ran around like the idiot he was as the flames continued to spread and he helped continue spread them because he was a moron.
(One Hour And Half A Ton Of Bananas Later…)
"Thanks so much, Su," a charbroiled Keitaro said just before collapsing into a heap of banana muck and ashes of what used to be his room.
"Okie dokie," she chirped happily, and skipped away happily, her flame retarding banana spray strapped to her back.
When Keitaro finally became conscious, he first cried like a sissy for some time. When he finally got over it, he wiped his tear and decided to investigate what had caused the fire. It had started when he was lying in his futon, and the first place he noticed the flames were from his barbequed feet, so the logical conclusion he came up with was that it was somehow related to Naru's room. As usual, he climbed up into the hole that connected their rooms and stumbled inside. To his surprise, and somewhat to his happiness, he found Motoko and Naru entwined in her futon doing whatever entwined lesbians in a futon do. Needless to say, he was hit by a new anti-pervert attack. But instead of flying into the sky, he bounced off a hard point on Naru's roof and happened to fall back into the hole that led to his room.
He decided that maybe Naru's room didn't have anything to do with the apparent arson. He ruled out Su, because a) she wouldn't have helped him if it was her doing, and b) she would not have hid the fact from him. He ruled out Kitsune, because she would never have used such a potent alcoholic beverage on a prank, no matter how funny or cruel. He ruled out Motoko because she hated anything that could remotely be seen as Ninja. He ruled out Shinobu, simply because he couldn't see her doing something like that to anyone.
So, who would have done it? He connected two and two together and decided to investigate the remains of his charred futon. He sifted around through it until he found a bottle. It was still open, and it was obvious that it was what had caused the fire once Keitaro got a whiff of the stuff. It was lighter fluid, and it had leaked all over his futon, catching on fire when two rough surfaces left in his sheets intentionally set off a spark. Keitaro suddenly stiffened, the hairs on the back of his neck standing perfectly straight.
Someone in the Hinata-sou was trying to kill him. But what made it scary was that he had no idea who…
(In The Bosom Of Shinobu)
"I say, unhand me, you flat chested she-devil!" the toddler cried, struggling to get out of her clutches. Keitaro had walked into the living room to find the ladies of the dorm ogling its newest tenant inside the fierce embrace of Shinobu. "China-man!" it cried, seeming to refer to Keitaro. "I demand you order your harem to release me!" it demanded.
"Me?" Keitaro asked, after looking around to see if it was talking to anyone else.
"Of course you bloody idiot!" it cried, landing a solid kick into Shinobu's chest, but unfortunately, her developing mammaries took the energy of the kick.
"Oh, okay…" Keitaro said in an idiotic fashion. He walked up to Shinobu to liberate the toddler until a thought finally crossed his mind. Wait a second… I'm talking to a toddler… Last I checked, babies don't talk. And I'm the only one who seems to understand it… Just to check if he was really going crazy, he decided to ask it some questions.
"If you want me to free you, grab Shinobu's boobs," he said, saying the first thing that came to mind.
"So be it!" the toddler exclaimed, and locked on target.
Naturally, his pervert-bashing senses fired, but he found that his punishers were nowhere in sight. Oh yeah… I'm not the one doing it…
"Hehe… it seems Sempai likes to use baby talk too," Shinobu said just before she got squeezed. "Auu! That hurt!" Shinobu cried, and held the baby in front of her by its armpits.
"Bad baby!" Shinobu said firmly, with the angry face a mother would show to its misbehaving toddler. Then she went into a stream of baby faces, where the did "peek-a-boo" and all other related babyish things.
"Now I demand that you release me!" the baby demanded yet again.
"One last thing," Keitaro asked, just making sure that it wasn't be coincidence that it had chosen to pinch Shinobu just when it did. "Speak in Swahili…"
The baby stopped all struggling and just stared at him. Either way, its crazy… a baby that can talk Swahili or me imagining it all… Keitaro thought. He deemed it inevitable. It was bound to happen to any straight (?) male stuck in a house full of hot babes. And what was worse, he had no way to release his tension, because it was all but impossible to spend "quality time" with his pornos. Keitaro was about to start going into a fit of maniacal laughter, but the toddler started speaking.
"Click, click, bloody clickity click! Release me at once!" it said, going wild again.
It wasn't Swahili, but it exercised the point… it tried to imitate an African dialect.
"Um… Shinobu… I think I'd better take him for a while…" Keitaro said, reaching for said toddler. It also desperately reached out for him, wishing that it had never gone near this harem.
"But Sempai…" Shinobu said with puppy dog eyes, like a child being stripped of a new toy.
"I'm sorry Shinobu, but I have to be firm. Its not like a pet or anything," Keitaro said, and received said pet.
"He was being fussy anyway…" Shinobu said in a humph. Kitsune (whom was not entirely wasted this early in the day), started complaining about how Keitaro was just too uptight, and Su asked Shinobu if fussy was good to eat.
"Thank god that I'm finally away from that evil vixen's clutches," the toddler said, dusting itself off for some reason. "How do you manage to live under these conditions?"
"Hehe…" Keitaro just chuckled.
(In The Men's Bathing Room)
After finding Keitaro talking to the toddler in his grazed room, Naru forcibly took it away from him, citing how he probably had some sick plans for it, and that his room was too messy for someone so young to be in. He had cleaned the place up, and was now taking bath to cleans himself of the ashes that was once his worldly possessions and, ironically, all his pornos…
It was nearly sunset by now, but he was sulking about what he had lost that day. Keitaro completely went under and let the water soak his tension away. Suddenly, the door slammed open, and Naru burst in.
"Keitaro! The toddler, its gone!" she cried.
"What!" Keitaro yelped. His surprise had caused his to stand up and show the world in all its glory, the little stump of flesh that was him-
"UNFORGIVABLE!" Motoko screamed and sent him flying in his birthday suit into the hot springs, which Shinobu was occupying. Naru's instincts kicked in and she landed on his face as punishment for soiling poor Shinobu.
"Its okay, really. It was so small I didn't see it," Shinobu said, trying to ease the punishment that her beloved had to endure. But the words had escaped her mouth before the could fully think about what they meant, and Keitaro looked like he had been stabbed in the back.
"That's not necessarily a good thing…" Kitsune said, giving the poor male a sympathetic look. "Besides," she said, with an air of charity, "Its not the size, but how you work it."
"Really?" Keitaro asked, perking up.
"Nah, I was just trying to cheer ya up," Kitsune said with a grin, while Keitaro became even more depressed.
(Outside A Little Later)
Since the toddler was his responsibility, Keitaro was left with the daunting task of looking for it outside. It wasn't his fault in the first place, but Naru had pointed her accusing finger before words of defense could even leave his mouth.
"S'not fair," Keitaro grumbled as he searched the grounds. Thankfully, Su had lent her night-vision goggles for his use, though he knew he would pay some price for it later, probably in the currency of pain. He scanned close to the mansion first and spiraled out. When he approached the steps, he found a curious trail of brightly colored paper strips. He took his goggles off and found that he could follow it with just the moonlight. He didn't know why, but for some reason he felt compelled to follow it. He kept his goggles on just in case. He went down the steps to the portion where the stairs had a sharp incline. He suddenly heard a rumble behind him. He looked back and found a whole chest of drawers heading straight for him!
"AAIEEE!" he cried just before the heavy piece of furniture landed on him.
Whomp!
He was under extreme pressure, but he was still alive (and oddly, the goggles were still functioning). He heard a door open and heard something small fall just before the door was slammed shut.
BOOM!
The chest exploded, as Keitaro had grown to expect, but it was merely a low grade grenade. "Su, this is not the time to play around," Keitaro said after standing and dusting himself. The inevitable finally happened and his goggles exploded, as the light amplifying device went into overload due to stress.
"Blast!" a frustrated voice cried. When Keitaro's eyes adjusted, he found the toddler was standing before him in a fit, ranting on and on about something or other.
"Phew, I finally found you!" Keitaro said and picked it up.
"What the deuce? Are you mortal?" the toddler said in disbelief. "I believe that you should be splattered all over the pavement, China-man."
"My name is Keitaro, and I'm still standing because I go through way worse every other hour living here. One would think that I should have left by now, but I have this unrealistic fantasy that I'll get it on with the resident that lives above me, even now, after I've learned that she's a lesbian." Keitaro said in an unbelievably cheery tone. Mentally exhausted, the child simply succumbed to sleep, drooling on the resident idiot's shoulder.
By the time he had reached the mansion, everyone was waiting for him outside, complaining to each other about how they couldn't find the kid and how the author wasn't paying them enough to put up with this monkey trash.
"Sempai! You found him!" Shinobu said with a lot of relief in her voice. In truth, she was just glad he had come back safe, and judging from the way his clothes were burned, it was a prudent choice to hope.
"Yeah, he was near the stairs crying about something," Keitaro said, giving the toddler to Shinobu's outstretched arms. "Can you please get him in a new set of clothes?" Keitaro asked the resident cook, and future ruler of the Milky Way.
"Hai!" Shinobu said and marched off to carry off his request.
"What happened to you?" Naru asked with a questioning look.
"I tripped?" Keitaro said, not really sure how to answer.
"Get over here, you little pervert," Naru said and noogied the truth out of him. Surprisingly for him, she took it really well, since everyone had come to expect such nonsense to surround him.
(During The DEAD Of Night… No Pun Intended)
He had disabled the infantile security system and marveled at the stash of most likely illegal weaponry and AI mechas.
"Yes, yes," he said in a maniacal tone. "You will all do my bidding! HA HA HA HAAA!"
(The Morning After)
The girls would mostly be gone till sometime in the evening, so Keitaro figured that he would take the kid to the park (and distribute lost signs on the way…). The kid had barely made a peep or poop all night and was currently sleeping soundly while sucking its thumb.
"This ain't so bad… I don't know why mom thought it was so stressful…" Keitaro said as he went to get ready. When he was finished, he shook the toddler to wake it up.
"Wakey, wakey," Keitaro said, trying to nudge it awake.
"No, President Bush, I'm the Fuehrer…" the kid said in half consciousness. Keitaro continued to gently nudge the little bundleof joy until it came to. However, in the process, it had confused Keitaro's finger for a popsicle and was licking it as such.
"Mmm…" the boy said, opening its eyes. "I like Mr. Licky Licky… Ah! What the deuce! Why the devil was your index finger inserted into my oral orifice?" it demanded.
"I see someone is grumpy," Keitaro said, talking down to it like any grown up would do to a kid. "I bet someone's hungry."
The child's face mobilized itself as if to disagree, but then changed its mind. "My word, I am a mighty bit famished. I say, bring me some buttered toast and those delightful sweets you Japanese bastards partake of… what was it… Pocky! Yes, get me some Pocky!"
Seemingly ignoring him, Keitaro said, "Shinobu's prepared something very nutritious for you this morning." They came downstairs just as the last of the girls started leaving.
"Sempai, breakfast is ready on the table. I'll see you later," Shinobu said just as she popped out the door.
"Don't do anything weird," Naru accused.
"Of course not!" Keitaro said, somewhat hurt. She even thought he would try to pull off something on a kid! What kid of monster did she think he was? He didn't go around chasing Shinobu's skirt or anything! But now that I think of it, she has been filling in nicely… Keitaro shook his head. Think clean thoughts…
They arrived at the breakfast table and Keitaro put the toddler in booster seat Haruka had been nice enough to dig out. He went to the kitchen and fetched whatever Shinobu had prepared.
"What the devil do you call this crap! Crape?" the toddler demanded when his food was presented to him. He had thrown his utensils at Keitaro, but fate had it that he would duck just in time to pick up a yen on the floor.
"Heh… maybe its lucky?" Keitaro said to himself, not aware of his close meeting with Death. "Hmm? You dropped your fork and knife? I'll get you some new ones," Keitaro said and fetched them as he had said. He gave the tools to it, but it was being remarkably fussy.
"You don't want to eat this? Its probably from your home country," Keitaro said.
"Then what the bloody hell is this!" the toddler said, holding up a flapjack.
"Its called a pancake. Its supposed to be really good with syrup. Oh! I bet Shinobu left it somewhere, no wonder you don't like them." He shuffled back to the kitchen and got said item. He poured the syrup on the pancakes and cut a piece out.
"Ann," Keitaro said, and moved the piece towards the toddlers mouth, expecting it to open up. After much deliberation, the toddler opened up its mouth with much hesitation. But after that, Keitaro just could not keep up with its demands.
"I want more," the toddler said after it finished its plate clean.
"But you've already finished yours," Keitaro said, trying to reason with it.
"GIVE ME THEM OR I'LL BLOW YOUR BLOODY BRAINS OUT!"
Keitaro, being the spineless pushover he was, went to fetch his own pancakes and fed them to the toddler in hopes of satiating it. For a while, the toddler seemed okay.
"So, toddler-san, what's your name?" Keitaro asked. I'm crazy enough to be talking to it, so I guess it can't hurt to know its name…
"Stewie…" the toddler said, as if high.
"Ah, so Stewie is your name? Mine is Keitaro, nice to meet you," he said and stuck his hand out to shake in western tradition. But Stewie didn't raise his hand.
"I want some more," he said, and had a look of uncontrollable lust in his eyes.
"Excuse me?" Keitaro asked, confused.
"Get me some more bloody pancakes dammit!" the toddler said in a fit, almost toppling his booster seat.
"But… there aren't any…" Keitaro whined. Stewie stood still and looked at Keitaro with accusing eyes.
"If you don't get me pancakes," he said, tilting his head to an angle, "I'm going to kill you…"
"You're kidding, right?" Keitaro asked, more to assure himself. I mean, what can a kid like him do?
"Die!" the toddler said and pulled out a familiar looking remote.
"Whah!" Keitaro shrilled like a sissy, and prepared to be atomized. When five seconds passed, he opened his eyes and found that for once, the world hadn't collapsed around him. Heh… living here sure has me on edge…
"Blast!" Stewie said in frustration and knocked the remote a bit. After a bit of jostling, the single red button on it lit up. "Hah! Prepare to meet your maker!" Stewie said and pushed it. "Activate protocol: Fürchten Sie mich, weil ich der König von allen bin! Ihre ganze Unterseite gehören uns!" The remote beeped twice and died.
Now, normally, something would come crashing down at Keitaro at about 15 degrees from the vertical. It would come at him in excess of 100 kmp, and have at a minimum of three times his own mass. Keitaro braced himself for impending doom.
And doom came, in the form of a ridiculously large metallic turtle.
"Aieee!" Keitaro cried, running away from Su's Mecha Tama V.? He ran like the pansy he was while two more Mechas joined into the fray, while Stewie rode shotgun on a fourth while cackling like a mad-toddler. The Mechas reached a dead end and Keitaro really wished that the term didn't have the word dead in it. The Mecha Tamas simply hovered where they were, while the one Stewie was riding slowly made its way to a whimpering ronin.
"Now, DANCE!" Stewie ordered, while the Mechas fired a barrage of concentrated energy at Keitaro's feet. Keitaro danced like he had never danced before, narrowly avoiding having his feet vaporized with every step.
"What the hell is wrong with you!" Keitaro cried with a flood of Anime style tears.
"I said I wanted pancakes…" Stewie said with a deep voice.
"You're crazy!" Keitaro cried and leapt with all his might. As expected, he made a hole through the roof as if Naru had socked him a good one.
"So, it's a hunt that you want, is it?" Stewie said with a dark smile.
(LEO)
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" Keitaro cried, trying to nurse his scathed foot. One of the Tamas had got him while he was distractedly talking to the toddler from hell and caused him to fly in the air as if hit by Naru or Motoko.
The sudden reminder of the two reminded him of how he had saw them together in her room and how they had both come out the day before. Ugh… my chances of going out with her are at its lowest… How could a loser like me even think someone like her would go out with me… She's just one of those unreachable women that I'll never be able to reach…
And so, Keitaro single-mindedly continued thinking on this tangent, even though doom and a concrete landing were fast approaching.
"Mommy! That strange man is flying!" a kid said, pointing to the sky.
"Stop lying, Mimi, or I'll beat you like I beat your dad last night."
"But really mommy! He's gonna crash into that building!"
"That's it! Get on my lap!"
"NO!" the kid cried as it got slapped on the behind repeatedly.
Whomp! Keitaro crashed butt first against a reinforced concrete support beam of the local sheriffs office. The beam buckled and the inmates inside died a gruesome death. (Actually, one of them survived, but the sheriff hit him in the back of the head with a bat, since it was a lot cheaper to take care of dead inmates).
"AIEEE! My butt bone!" Keitaro whined, rubbing said throbbing appendage.
"You sicko!" some random lady accused and covered her crying daughters eyes. Kietaro just ignored her, since the pain was just too in-his-face. He paused his soothing massage when he thought he heard a whistle. He looked up and saw something shiny coming his way really quickly. A shiny something with a yellow and read thing on top: a toddler!
"Ah, man! Give me a break!" he cried and started running to what he hoped was safety: a kids show studio. Every one knew that kids were deathly afraid of the characters in real life, so he hoped that the toddler would stay away from him. Keitaro expertly made his was to the costume room and put on a random costume. When he was done, someone grabbed him by the arm and said, "I've been looking everywhere for you! Get on the friggin' stage already!"
"No! This is a mistake!" Keitaro tried to argue, but he was thrust onstage.
"Tinkly Winkly!" said a purple garbed alien looking freak.
"Laa-laa!" said one dressed in yellow.
"Dipsy!" said one in green. Keitaro was last in line, and it seemed that it was his turn to say his name.
"Po!" someone said in his ear. Keitaro jolted, but reailized it was a headphone. "For the love of mike! Say Po!"
"Po…" Keitaro said, unsure. A voice in the background started singing.
"Teletubbies… teletubbies… Say, Hel-lo!"
"Hello!" a familiar voice shrieked. Keitaro turned and looked in horror to find Stewie and his gang of Mecha Tamas busting into the studio. The stage crew started shrieking and everything went to hell. The Tamas started firing into the crowd and many stupid, whiny, helpless brats got crushed in the ensuing stampede.
"I told you Japan was a bad, bloody idea, but no! You just had to get the yellow fever!" a BBC representative yelled at the producer. The producer was about to reply, but he was vaporized just that instant by Su's weapons of Anti-Keitaroness.
"Holy crap!" Keitaro cried, and stripped back to his normal clothes. He ran out of the building just as it collapsed and took down the multinational BBC president with it, ending an era of post-British Empire Empire, but of the news variety.
(Somewhere in the US. "Yes! Now FOX with reign supreme!" the corporate head of FOX said when the life sign of the BBC president faded. "But sir, our news sux… now people will really know that its all fake since the smart people who used to watch BBC will have nothing to watch but our crap! The only reason we're still a float is because of the Simpsons, and lord knows that they've done everything that there is to be done!" the Vice President said. "It's no problem, they can just watch lame CNN and get off on that hottie anchor!" the President said. "But he's a guy…" the Vice President said. "I know," the President said, smiling. The Vice President moved his chair a few inches back. A few minutes later, they were having hot, New York style-)
Keitaro just managed to dodge a laser aimed at his manhood. Luckily, it only fried his right hand. Oh crap! I'm right handed! Now what will I do, since Naru's gone queer?
"HA HA HA HAAA!" Stewie laughed, taking random potshots at the poor, handicapped ronin. The chaos ensued for fifteen more minutes, Keitaro surprisingly managing to keep the Mechas a safe distance away (safe meaning close enough for them to shoot at him, but not close enough for their active targeting software to hit him). After leveling roughly two miles of the Kanagawa prefecture, Keitaro managed to find safety in the form of a dense forest. He knew Su's gear suxed at scanning through foliage, so he penetrated the forest as deeply as he could go.
"Blast you, China-man! Where are you hiding!" Stewie's voices boomed over the forest canopy. When Keitaro wouldn't reply, he said, "Then I'll smoke you out! Prepare for annihilation!"
Keitaro braced himself. Hehe… even though I'm about to die, the first thing I think about is how Naru's doing…
The canopy exploded with noise as all the animals stampeded away from the maniacal toddler and his fire belching Mechas. Soon, that general patch of vegetation was char grilled, but Keitaro was nowhere in sight! "Blast! Dammit to the bowels of hell! Where is that blasted yellowbelly!" Stewie ranted, ordering his Mechas to fire off into random directions.
First, I'm gonna see a doctor, Keitaro thought to himself as he ran like hell away from the war zone. Then I'm gonna see a head doctor!
(Local Bar)
Kitsune's scamming senses were on the fritz. Somewhere, some poor sap out there needed to be scammed. And she'd be damned if some other sleazy hussy got to him first. The question way, who was the dolt? The waiter came up to her and gave her a bottle sake with a very nice vintage on it.
"I didn't order this!" Kitsune exclaimed, not having seen a sake priced at so many zeros in so long.
"It is compliments of the… patron sitting over there…" the waiter said, not really sure how to explain. Kitsune looked over and was surprised to see just whom the patron was.
Heh… never seen one a' them in a place like this before…
(Under Sand)
Not surprisingly, Keitaro ran to his safe place, his mind no longer able to bear the weight of the over the top impossibility of the day. He buried himself under the sandbox where he had made his promise oh so long ago. Think of a happy place, think of a happy place… Keitaro chanted to himself over and over. Soon, he hoped, he would pass out and wake up screaming in his futon from this horrible nightmare.
"Oh Keitaro…," the horrible voice boomed. "Come out and play…"
"NO!" Keitaro screamed, and ran like hell again. How the hell did he find me so quickly?
"There's no use running, Keitaro," Stewie said over a megaphone. "I've finally learned how to use this wonderful radar equipped on this metallic behemoth."
Keitaro halted right then and there. There was no way to get away from him if he figure out how to use the Su's radar. He decided, for once, to be a man and stop running away from his problems. His resolve shattered the instant he saw a missile with a smiley face on it heading straight for him.
"AIEEE!" he cried just as the missile exploded in front of him. He was pinned onto the ground where he was standing moments before, unable to move a limb. But this isn't how it ends! he cried, not able to accept what fate apparently had in store for him.
"This is your last chance, China-man. Bow down before your new master, or pay the ultimate price…" Stewie said. Naturally, Keitaro was all for doing anything that would avoid the ultimate price, but at the moment, his body was still trying to reconnect the neurons and synapses to their rightful connections.
"Pleading the fourth, are you?" Stewie said evilly, bringing the Tama he was riding close enough to Keitaro so that he wouldn't need the megaphone. "I respect your bravery, but I'm afraid that it will be short lived." He clapped his hands twice. "Now, my homely friend, lets see if you'll talk after the ultimate sacrifice…"
His Mecha moved back to a more spectators view while two Mechas held Keitaro legs apart. The final Mecha held a pair of scissors in its hands, and was cruelly taking Keitaro's pant off.
Holy crap! Keitaro thought. This really is the ultimate sacrifice! His head flooded with the images of fantasies he used to have involving Naru, and how the all failed because he would no longer have a-
"HA HA HA HA HAAA!" Stewie cackled evilly.
"Whah!" Keitaro cried, unable to keep his eyes off his "precious," just as it was about to be snipped.
"HA HA HA HA Huh?" Stewie said, stopping in mid-cackle. The Mechas froze while he turned to look at his rear. He then turned to look back at Keitaro with a blush on his face. "Um… I know that this is an awkward time and all, but it seems that I've soiled myself, and am in need of a change."
"Uwa?" Keitaro simply said, looking at the toddler and his-
Stewie jumped off his deactivated Mecha and offered Keitaro a hand. Keitaro got up, though a bit shakily, and put his pants back on. Stewie just looked up at him waiting.
"So, um… I guess we should get going…" Keitaro said, not really sure of what else to say. They walked back to the Hinata-sou, hand in hand.
As they were walking back to the mansion, Stewie said, "So… um about the whole me trying to kill you thing, it was all just a joke…"
"Uh… yeah… Don't worry about it. I understand…" Keitaro said, not sure if he should blow his brains out, or play with Su when she got back.
(Back At The Mansion)
Kitsune was the first one back and it sounded like she was having a party in her room. Keitaro just ignored it and went to the changing room where Shinobu had stocked changing supplies for Stewie. As expected, Stewie was being fussy, saying stuff about if he liked it down there and et cetera, and managed to pee into Keitaro's mouth once with a well aimed shot, but Keitaro didn't mind, as long as that was the only gun that was pointing at Keitaro.
"Keitaro, hick, you're back," Kitsune said in the living room. She had managed to fill the place with sake trash in the few minutes it took Keitaro to change Stewie and himself. "Why don't you join us," she said woozily, "the party just started!"
"Yeah, banzai!" an unfamiliar voice said, and a popper cracked, spewing forth a shower of colored paper.
"Um…," Keitaro said, unsure of what to say about her guest when he saw him.
"Dog?" Stewie said, taken by surprise.
"Stewie? Heh, howware ya'!" the dog said, a large bottle of sake in his left hand and a drinking dish in the other. He poured some on and sipped it all up. Normally, Keitaro would have gone nutz, but after the last 48 hours with the toddler from hell (a.k.a. Rhode Island), Keitaro felt mentally unshakable (something his head doctor would ask him to open up about for the next three years, unsuccessfully however). That was exactly the moment that the rest of the girls had decided to come back.
"Keitaro, we have to talk," Naru said as she came into the room. The other girls came after her, followed by a group of unfamiliar people.
"My Baby!" a red haired gaijin woman said and ran for Keitaro. His first instinct was to run, since it was engrained in his mind that if a beautiful woman was ever chasing him, it meant trouble.
"AH!" Keitaro said as he made a mad dash.
"Run, I say!" Stewie said, encouraging him. "Run for the sake of all that is holy! I will never go back to her infernal clutches!"
"Hey, that bastard's trying to steal Stewie!" the fattest gaijin said. "To the Bat-Mobile!" he said, and a Bat-Mobile appeared out of nowhere. The man and his two sons were garbed in sidekick costumes while he was in a Batman suit. They got into the car and quickly overtook Keitaro, putting him between the car and the desperate woman.
"Here!" Keitaro said, forcefully giving the toddler up. The woman grabbed onto it and gave it a tight hug.
"Blast it!" Struggling to get out of her hold. "I was free! I was finally free! Damn you, Keitaro! I will kill you if it's the last thing I do!"
The rest of the gaijins (back to their normal dress) came up to her and hugged each other in a family hug.
"I will kill you all!" Stewie screamed from within.
(Outside)
It turned out that the gaijins were a family from Rhode Island in America, and that they had accidentally ended up in Japan when they were leaving Los Angelas from a KISS concert. The travel agency that had booked them into the wrong flight had arranged a free return flight home, but it would mean that the family would have to wait two weeks. They decided to tour Japan while they waited and they had lost Stewie in a strange incident involving a sake truck, carrots and a coyote. They had been searching for him since and had happened to come across Naru and the gang in a local shopping district. Naru had recognized the picture they had of Stewie and brought them to the mansion. (On a side note, Brian, the dog, had gotten lost with Stewie in the beginning, but had managed to get separated from him to, in an incident involving the Russian Mob, a winning lottery ticket and bits of string).
The mother's name was Lois Griffin and the (whom Keitaro had originally thought was a large pink blob) father's name was Peter Griffin. The children were Meg, Chris and Stewie. They conversed a bit, each exchanging knowledge about their respective customs and the day dragged on. It was actually the day before their flight, so the family would have to take a train to the city by that evening if they wanted to get to their hotel and pack in time. So, here we are, outside the Hinata-sou while the family waited for a taxi to pick them up.
"It's been a lovely evening, and I can't thank you enough for taking care of my Stewie," Lois said to Keitaro, being very clingy with Stewie, who was still struggling to escape.
"It's no problem. And you can thank me by visiting us again if you're ever in Japan," Keitaro said. "I don't think the girls will mind your three handsome sons for a short while."
"Wah!" the son with the skullcap-type hat said. "I'm ugly!" he ran away crying. (If you're not familiar with Family Guy, it was Meg, the insecure teenage sister)
"Sweet!" Peter said, and started dancing with his older son. Lois talked to the other girls, while Brian, the dog, came up to him.
"I'm surprised that you're not crazy by now," Brian said, thought not in a demeaning way. "Usually, Stewie tries to kill everyone he meets for the first time…"
"Oh, he was trying to kill me," Keitaro said, laughing. "Actually, not too long before you guys came in, he almost castrated me with a scissor!" Brian took a step back, not sure if Keitaro's face should have been so calm after saying something like that.
"You… really don't seem worried at all… I mean, most people would have a nervous breakdown after a few hours with Stewie. You don't seem fazed at all. Were you even afraid for you life?"
"Huh? Well, I was afraid, that I was. I almost peed myself a few times! But afraid for my life? Nah."
"Wow, you sure are confident with yourself. But it really doesn't show in your personality…"
"Well, I'm really not confident at all, though being the manager of an all girl's dorm has changed me a bit. But the reason I'm not afraid is simple. I know exactly how I was going to die. That's why I can live day to day, with the insaneness of what is the Hinata-sou and especially people like Stewie…"
"Oh… I get it. Since you know what will kill you, you know what wont…"
"Exactly!" Keitaro said with a grin.
"So, would you mind telling me? I mean, how could you know exactly how you die?"
"Well… its not something I'm comfortable talking about. I'm sorry."
"Oh well, that's okay," Brian said. The taxi finally pulled up and the family said their last goodbyes.
"Thank you so much for being so hospitable," Lois said from the taxi after everyone got inside.
"No problem," Keitaro said, and everyone waved goodbye as the taxi left. Stewie suddenly stuck his head out the window and screamed, "You will rue this day, Urashima!"
Keitaro just sweat dropped and continued waving. "Start rueing!" Stewie demanded as the taxi turned a corner. The girls went to scale the steps as Keitaro continued standing. Boy what a day… it's as if someone has been out to get me or something!
He felt someone walk next to him and hold his hand. He looked at his hand and saw that, indeed, his fingers were now entwined in someone else's. He expected Kitsune to be playing trick on him, but when he looked up to see who's hand it was, he was surprised to find that it was-
"Naru?" Keitaro exclaimed, taken aback.
"Yo," she said, smiling softly at him. Before he could say anything, she pulled him by the hand up to the stairs, which the girls were slowly climbing ahead of them. "You seemed like a whole different person when you were taking care of Stewie. You seemed much more reliable. I always liked that part of you," she said, moving closer to him.
"Naru! But, you! Motoko! Futon!" Keitaro said, not making much sense. He organized his thoughts and finally said, "But I thought you were lesbian?" Naru giggled.
"Oh, that? It was a lie. The loser Author of this fic just wanted to distract you while he had his sick way with me on the internet."
"What?" Keitaro said, not hearing what she said for some reason.
"It was nothing," she said and let go of his hand. She climbed up a few more steps ahead of him and turned back, sticking her tongue out at him. Then she laughed and started racing up the stairs.
"Narusagewa! Wait up!" Keitaro said, and gave chase. The other girls noticed this and soon, it was a full fledged race to get to the top.
As the evening sunset got darker and darker, the Hinata-sou radiated with the energy that all its neighbors were accustomed to. The SAT (special assault team) was called in, but all of them were beaten back in shame by two teenagers…
(In A Lonely Apartment In NYC)
The Author sat back on his chair and let out a deep breath. That session with Naru had taken a lot out of him.
"I can't wait for next time," he said, panting. His tests finally over, he had been goofing off by himself as a way to recover from his crippling scores. He got off of his chair, but remembered that he should turn off his internet application, lest his laughable computer be infected by yet another virus. He moved his mouse to the x button on the application's upper right.
"Turn off Virtual Internet Chess?" a dialogue asked. He clicked okay and turned off his computer.
"Next time, Narusegawa, I won't lose!" he said to himself as he went outside for the first time in 48 hours.
(-O-)