This is just a goodbye

She pushed the doors open. This was the last time she entered the 21st district of the Chicago Police Department, or at least in a long time.

She walked the few stairs to the hall and saw the Desk Sergeant Platt. She was busy with two patrol officers but she stopped when she saw her. A warm smile formed on the older woman's face and Erin returned it.

She headed toward the stairs to the bullpen and stopped at the gird, 'yes' she thank ; her palm and code weren't available anymore, after all, she wasn't a CPD detective anymore. She was just a girl, an ex-addict who will leave her friends and the people she considered as her real family to cover her mother and her mistakes.

Platt came to opened for her and she climbed the stairs. It didn't seem too busy upstairs, she could hear Adam talking, to Kevin she guessed, Alvin joined the conversation for a few words and when she reached the floor the three of them stopped talking to looked at her. Adam was the first to move, "Hey Linds !" And Kevin joined him, "We were asking when you'd come back…" She smiled at them and her attention went to the far end of the room where Hank exited his office, "Hey kid…" she offered him a sad smile, knowing the next few minutes will count in the harder she had in her life.

"So ? You're on desk duty or you come back officially to the unit as before ?" She looked back at Adam, "Actually… umm… I'm not coming back…" All eyes furrowed and Kevin asked, "They suspended you ?" she simply answered "No." and then concerned looks came plastered her friends' faces. She explained, "I'm not coming back… never…" She saw Jay stand from his chair to lean on his desk, arms crossed on his chest. "I'll never be a Chicago cop again…"

Silent. It was all silent, they were silent...

"So… what are you doing ?" Adam had a worried face now, like everyone, but he apparently was the only one who found the courage to ask the questions "We proposed me a job at the Terrorist Account…" Adam's eyebrows curled in surprise, "... in New York… and…" she stopped, take her breath and looked a brief time at Hank and then at Adam "and I accepted…"

And now it's Hailey who stood up to join a grouped 'what ?' from the team, and it was silent again…. She didn't have to say something else, it was already too much. And without a word, Kevin approached her and took her in a warm hug, "We're going to miss you…" She didn't expect that, especially from him, but she smiled and hugged him back. Then Adam came to her to do the same and she looked above his shoulder. Jay was still leaning on his desk, staring at nothing but the floor, visibly lost. And then he stood and left the bullpen without telling anything.

Adam let her go and Hailey came next to her to tell her goodbye. She wanted to go after him, she wanted to tell him sorry, she wanted to apologize, to ask him to go with her because since she accepted two days ago she couldn't think to anything but him. She'd chosen Bunny over him, even if they weren't really together at this very time, they didn't really broke either, and she'd chosen her mother, who never did anything but hurt her since she was a kid, over Jay, the one who she trusted maybe more than Hank, the one who got her back after Nadia, the one who was always here for her, the one who staid even if he knew her ugly past. Yes, he is the one who never told her about that Abby but in the same time, he left because he didn't want her involved in that 'mess' she bringed back about the army and PTSD, and because he thought it "wasn't the good place to be thinking he was legally still married to that girl", to quote his words.

Sure she'd wanted to help him, but when she thought about it, the first time she had to deal with her past, she didn't talk to him either, and even if she was disappointed, and in a sens hurt, he didn't open to her, she understood.

And now it was Alvin's turn to tell her goodbye, "let's hope this time you go for good…" she chuckled and they embraced, "you're gonna miss me kiddo… Hank's gonna kick our asses at nothing now…". Then Hailey came, "I know we have been partner like twice but I want you to know that it was a good partnership… you're going to be a good cop in this unit…" she stopped to look the boys around, "And don't let them think they're better than you…" Everyone laughed at this and it ended with Adam shouting she needed a leaving party at Molly's and since she was supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon, they needed to do it tonight.

It was only 10 in the morning… Erin just thought one thing at that idea, "This is going to be a long, long, day…"

The same night, At Molly's...

The little pub was full that night, almost all the firehouse 51, the 21st district of Chicago PD and chicago med nurses and doctors were here. But even in that crowd, Erin could see the door, and she wouldn't leave her eyes from there until she saw him.

And finally, these doors, she was desperately waiting to open, opened,revealing Jay in the doorway. Erin left her drink on the counter and threw the crowd to reach him. He smiled at her, for the first time since the morning, and she returned it, "I thought you wouldn't come…"

He answered her, "Erin… it's your leaving party… and you're my partner…"

Suddenly, as coming from nowhere, Antonio appeared behind Erin. He put a hand on her shoulder and asked her with a big smile "So… you like my gift ?" She laughed and rolled her eyes, "Yeah… of course Tony…" Jay, who watched the scene, put his hand behind his back bringing a box between him and her, "So… I suppose I can give you my gift ?"

Erin looked at the object in his hand and back to his face. She did it three times before finally said something "Jay… you didn't- " He cut her, "It's your leaving day… plus, I'll not be here for your birthday this year so…" He gave her the little blue box and crossed his arms on his chest.

She looked between him and the box in her left hand, and finally, she opened it.

"I know that what you offered me was like a hundred time better, but…" A bright smile appeared on her face as her eyes slowly filled with tears. She felt stupid to cry for such a simple thing but she didn't care, she opened her mouth to speak, but the words not coming she closed it. She closed the box and approached him, grabbed him by his hip and kissed him on the lips.

All the people in the bar, smiled at the scene. They all knew what the two felt for each other, and whatever happened a few weeks before, they still loved each other, and this event would certainly affect them. When they separated, she put her head in his chest, her arms resting on his back, and she whispered him, "No… it's perfect… my present isn't better…" He rested his hand on the top of hers while rubbing her back, "You like it ?" He knew she smiled, "No, I love it…"

The moment broke with Antonio asking the question everyone had in their heads ; "So ? What's in this box ?"

The two turned to watch him with a devil look plastered on their both faces and he answered them with a big boyish smile. Erin let his arm off Jay's back and opened the box to reveal a fine silver necklace with little bird as pendant, and in a corner of the box was a bullet hook to a thread. Gabriella Dawson approached her brother, "A necklace ? And a bullet ?"

Erin nodded, "I was expecting a ring…"

Antonio took his sister's shoulder "Gabby…"

"Yeah I know what you'll say but I…"

The voices faded in Erin's head, she smiled. Because she had to say it, when she saw the box, her first thought was 'this is a ring', even if that box was way too big for a ring, but strangely, it didn't scared her. Few months ago this would scared her : engagement, wedding… and let's not even talk about kids… But with Jay, all these scary things disappeared little by little, she was ready for the 'one day' they talked about, for the 'twenty years from now'... and even about kids. And in that happy world, something came again crash all what was built, and Jay felt responsible for this. He was. She should be mad at him for this, he hid a big part of his life to her, but she wasn't. She didn't want him to leave, she didn't want to fight with him. She just didn't care, she wanted to live her life with him, because for the first time in her life, she really loved someone.

"Erin ?" She blinked, everyone was watching her. She felt someone holding her shoulders, it was Jay, "You okay ?" she answered in a whisper, "Yeah…" She gave him a big and real smile "Yeah, I'm okay…" And she immediately re-opened the box, took the necklace off it and put the box on the counter. She put the jewelry on her neck and turned her back to Jay to let him attache it, and when it was done, she took the bullet off the box, wrapped her fist around it and took Jay in a warm hug.

"Thank you… thank you so much…"

"I told you, it's your leaving day, Erin, and…"

"No. Thank you for all. For everything ; for always being here for me, for being my partner, covering my back, for helping me when I needed it, whatever what hour or what day we were, thank you for giving me a real life, thank you for giving me someone to love, someone with whom I forgot my fears, someone who made me love the life, someone with whom I could thought about a future, someone I was happy to find at home. Thank you for being you."

And the Molly's was full of soft faces and bright smiles. When that cute moment ended, everyone returned to drink and talk with their colleagues and family, and on the table where the intelligence was, chuckles and laughs replaced tears and sobs.

But not far, a girl was watching the scene, still determined to know why a necklace and a bullet, was it an explanation ? Certainly but which one ? What could explain that bunch of emotion from Erin Lindsay ?

She couldn't hold her questions more time, so Gabby approached the table.
"Can I still ask you a question ?" They all looked at her and her brother asked,
"Um… who are you talking about exactly ?" She nodded to the box on the table, between Erin's hands, "That… why a necklace ? Why this one ? And more than all, why a bullet ?"

And suddenly the questions popped in all heads, she was right after all, nobody knew why… Jay didn't know what to answer, more exactly, he didn't know if he could answer, but Erin decided for him, "I saw it… very long time ago… actually, I completely forgot it but well… not him…" She smiled at him, "And I really wanted it when I saw it…"
"Okay… and for the bullet ?" Jay smiled as she answered, "It was just a promise…" She stared at him, "A promise we did when he took his first bullet in our partnership…" And once again, the table burst in laugh, only two weren't, the meaning behind that present too important to laugh at it.

And Erin thunk again, 'yes, this was a long night, and more than all, a hard one…'

The Next day...

They all stood there, straight and on line, facing the stairs of the airport. Kim was crying since the night before and apparently, she didn't plan on stop soon, Kevin, Al, Adam and Hailey had sad smiles plastered on their faces, Hank was trying not to cry in front of his team but his eyes weren't to far to crack… and the last one Erin put her eyes on, Jay, he had nothing.

She couldn't read him, what she usually always did, she couldn't see anything, sadness, guilt, not even madness. He was just there, looking at everything but her, and facing no emotion. The last goodbyes and hugs were cutted by her new boss telling her it was time and the harder time could begin, one last look at everyone, one last look to Hank and a try toward Jay, who didn't even looked at her.

She took her luggage, faced her back to the crying team and headed to the stairs. But she couldn't. She couldn't leave like this, not even tell him goodbye… and without really think about it, she stopped and her legs did the rest. In 3 seconds of time, she was kissing him. Breathless and crying she put her forehead against his.

They both had closed eyes and he spoke first, "Erin… you have to go…" She tried to speak through her tears and sobs "I...I can't… I'm sorry Jay…I …I screwed up… I…"

"Nah Erin…" He cupped her cheek in his hand, asking her by this to open her eyes and look at him, "You didn't… I'm the one who screwed up. I didn't tell you things I should had since the first day, I left without even let you argue with it, and you, you just wanted to help me…"

Tears begun to come in his eyes but he didn't let them fall, "I don't deserve a 'sorry'... I don't deserve it from you…"

He let his hand from her cheek and put his forehead back, and nodded toward the stairs, "Just go, you have a new job, you'll have a new life… just go, do your job, don't screw up this one and be happy…" She smiled at the Feds reference but quickly lose it. They were so much in their world that they didn't notice everyone looking at them, the team, her boss and everyone in the airport. But they didn't care, it was their moment and their last one… she smile at him, and this time, she could see it, the guilt, the regret, the love.

Slowly, she went back from where she came, took her luggage and climbed the stairs. And then she pressed her lips together to not cry and yell in the airport like we were killing her, she couldn't hold back the tears which were streaming down her cheeks, but actually, she didn't want to. From downstairs, her form disappeared and a hand was put on Jay's shoulder, Hank's hand. It was an authorization, to cry. And so he did, a tear rolled down his right cheek, and then another and another. Everyone left slowly and Hank took Jay around the shoulders, to guide him toward the exit, and the car.

And from the plane's window and standing next to Hank's car, Erin and Jay did the same thing, she looked at the parking under her, still crying as he watched the plane go up higher in the sky, still crying too, one thing in both heads,

'this is just a goodbye, a damn hurting goodbye, but just a goodbye…"

END