Summary: Kenshin broods over Tomoe while wandering and takes a very serious decision. Songfic.
Disclaimer: "I'll Never Fall in Love Again" is Burt Bacharach's. Rurouni Kenshin is Nobuhiro Watsuki's. See? I don't own anything here.
He walked. He walked, aimlessly, he walked, and for hours. His surroundings, he'd never seen - yet it looked just like any other place. Even if in 1878 Tokyo was already one of the largest and most modern cities in Japan, still, for him they all looked the same. Always the same dusty roads which led to the same small villages and the same busy towns. Always the same species of trees and bushes by both sides of the paths. Always the same buildings with their rice paper doors and tatami mats and their stylized roofs. Always the same unnamed citizens with dark, straight hair and strained eyes. Kenshin had already lost - and long before - the innocence of a child's eyes, for whom everything is new and impressive.
He had this same routine every single day, his feet obeying passively, taking him to wherever someone would need his help. A few rewarded him with a nice meal - but he didn't ask for anything, the smiles on their faces and their thankful words were enough to make his day worthy. And then he smiled back. It wasn't exactly happiness, but...
But sometimes, especially when the night came all of a sudden or the snow covered the earth under his feet, his mind also wandered... and so he'd end up thinking about things such as love, and consequently, about Tomoe. In the first years he could only remember the tragedy, her tragedy, their tragedy. The scent of white plums. Her lifeless body in his arms. The crimson snowflakes around them. Her smile. And inevitably he cried.
That was back then. These days, things were different. Unintentionally, once in a while he caught himself having bitter thoughts towards his first love. He would always feel dirty and guilty afterwards, but sometimes he wondered, "what if I had never met her?"
What do you get when you fall in love?
A girl with a pin to burst your bubble
That's what you get for all your trouble
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again
Would things have come out better hadn't he met her? Would he have become a better man? Certainly not. He'd probably be dead by now, together with so many other swordsmen who fought with, and against, him. Tomoe had been the one to keep him linked to life - for her he struggled to go on. At first, to go back to her comforting presence at home. After her death, to honour her memory and the promise to use his sword to protect the weak as soon as the war was over. But has it been the better way out? Wouldn't death be better than what he had to go through now?
What do you get when you kiss a girl?
You get enough germs to catch pneumonia
After you do, she'll never phone you
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again
Oh, hadn't he met her... would he had doubted his way of bringing peace to the country? Hadn't she showed him the amount of pain he held in the blade of his katana, would he have guessed by himself? He wouldn't. Perhaps, without her, he'd have gone insane. Without its sheath, the blade called Battousai would be still soaked in blood, always seeking for more, in that peaceful Meiji era. Insane, now, he believed he wasn't; confused, at least. Her words had invaded his head then, and until the present day it still echoed inside, echoed echoed echoed... like a haunted house, to the point when he had to shake his head hard to make her voice go; but it wouldn't, and everything came back, the scent, the blood, the smile, a nightmare.
Wasn't that a kind of madness?
Wouldn't it have been better, to die in battle and not to see his beloved one fall dead by his own sword?
He didn't know; he'd never thought so much on those matters. The calm bridge invited him to come closer and have a look at the soothing waters of the river passing under it, and so he leaned on the balustrade. He didn't know how long it had passed when an old beggar with sympathetic eyes approached. They shared a couple of minutes in silence.
"Women... they make our lives a mess." The older said, startling the wanderer.
"How did you-" Kenshin began, but the man dismissed him by waving his hands.
"Oh, don't tell me what it's all about 'cause I've been there. And believe me, young man, I'm glad I'm out."
"We can never be out of love once we're in." The other stated.
"Maybe not out of love; there are other forms of love besides the romantic one. But at least out of those chains."
"Chains?"
"Yes, those chains that bind you to that suffering."
Kenshin fell silent. He was talking nonsense with this complete stranger. And the conversation was leaving him even more confused.
"I don't know what you're talking about, mister, but it surely doesn't concern my problems." He decided.
"Aren't you suffering because of the woman you loved?"
"... yes, but--"
"So. This is it. That's why I'm here to remind you, young man. Don't fall in love anymore. Find a nice girl to marry, have a bunch of kids. But not love."
Kenshin chuckled. "Isn't it impossible?"
The elder shook his head. "Perfectly possible."
Another minute of silence, and the red-haired swordsman whispered very quietly, almost for himself, "I gave her my heart."
"Don't say such words!" And then the ancient began to hum a sweet melody, and sang to the fish jumping on the river:
"What do you get when you give your heart?
You get it all broken up and battered
That's what you get, a heart that's shattered
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again"
"This is a very old tune I heard when I lost my wife." The man concluded, getting away from the bridge." Think of what I've told you." After that, he left.
Kenshin stayed; the sun had set but he didn't notice it. In his mind, what the beggar had said, and his thoughts. He'd given his heart to Tomoe. She hadn't had the time to give hers to him. Even though she'd tried... with that smile... it was already too late. And now he was a heartless man and it was completely his fault. Hadn't he given the last stroke... no, hadn't he met Tomoe to begin with... would he be like that, seeing that lie of happiness they shared vanish? That lie of happiness they'd shared for such a short period. Happiness was fake and ethereal. Pain was real, and forever.
And no matter what he did, no matter how much he tried, he'd never be happy. He was doomed to be in pain.
What do you get when you fall in love?
You only get lies and pain and sorrow
So for at least until tomorrow
I'll never fall in love again
I'll never fall in love again
Remembering the song, he breathed heavily.
"I'll never fall in love again", Kenshin sighed.
By then it was already night, and it was a very dark night. He sighed again, then proceeded to walk through the deserted alley... until a female voice, coming from behind, defiantly yelled at him to stop.
The end?
Author's Notes: Nonsense? Yes! Completely. To be sincere with you, my readers, I only had the idea for the very end - he saying "I'll never blah blah", then turning, then guess what happens? Yes! Rurouni Kenshin begins.
And don't hate me yet, Tomoe fans!!! Personally, I think she's kinda cool. Problem is... I've seen only OVA 6 (as I write Kazaa is bringing OVA 3 to my computer, eee!), and the brazilian edition of the manga hasn't reached Jinchuu Arc yet. So, I don't have as many acquaintanceship (does this word exist?!) with K+T as I have with K+K. If you don't kill me now, I might be able to write a K+T someday! Isn't it a good idea? ^_^ Ok, it isn't, but don't kill me anyway!
love, Prudence-chan
On 12/11/2002 - (being lazy at home and listening to Austin Powers' soundtrack ^_^'')