A/N: Hi all. I'm somewhat new to the NCIS fandom, and this is my first fic for NCIS written for the Memories That Remain event on Livejournal's community, madame_director. I just wanted to share it with you even though I haven't posted to in a while. Hope that you enjoy!
Small droplets trickled down and splashed onto the white piece of paper as her hand moved the pen across the page. The gray blotches of tears showed starkly against its white background, unlike the emotions and feelings that were not reflected in the ink of her words. Jennifer Shepard never in her entire life thought that she would succumb to doing this. She'd always frowned upon women who could do such a thing. It was insensitive, common, and cruel, yet there she was sitting in a dark room, trying to do the hardest thing that she had ever done; write a Dear John letter.
The words were hard to come by, and she could barely bring herself to keep writing. She was being torn in two. On one hand, she couldn't remember a time in her life when she had been happier. Why would she ever want to change this? On the other hand, this had never been a part of her five point plan.
Jen was never supposed to fall in love with anyone. When she was little, she never dreamed about her wedding day. She never believed in that happily ever after crap that all of those fairytales fed young girls. What she could believe in, or really who she could believe in, was herself. She was content with being an independent career woman who didn't need anyone else, who didn't have a need to be in some kind of relationship.
But all of that was thrown out the window when Leroy Jethro Gibbs entered her life.
He was the most peculiar person that she'd ever met. He was intolerable and so guarded to the point that most would call him a bastard, including himself. Although he could be a bastard at times, she could see through that jaded exterior and find something more. She kind of liked to think that he allowed her to see that other side of him. He wasn't Special Agent Gibbs to her; hadn't been since she'd stopped being a probie. He was Jethro, and Jethro was someone who she fit perfectly with, making them an unstoppable team as partners and as lovers.
At this point in her life, she couldn't be honest with herself because if she did, she would never be able to go through with this. If she let herself admit that she'd fallen in love, her whole life and everything that she'd aspired to do would be undone. She couldn't abandon her plans for any one person, even if it meant depriving herself of an indescribable happiness that she couldn't imagine finding in someone else.
She let out a shaky breath, her cheeks stained with glistening tracks of tears. It felt like she was sitting there for an eternity, being stuck in a sort of limbo on the edge of one fate and another. Only a few sentences had been scribbled down on the piece of paper; something about it not being right for her and something else about not being able to stay there any longer, devoid of any reasoning or feelings behind it. That was all that she could muster without breaking her sanity.
Closing her eyes, Jen tried to will the tears away. Images of the two of them flashed in her mind as if it was a movie playing on the inside of her eyelids.
~xXxXxXxXxXx~
"I'll get this," Jethro said, already handing the vendor a few coins in exchange for the Nutella and banana crepe she'd just ordered.
Jen smirked at him, placing her hand on the crook of his elbow and stepping in close to his side, "I rarely ever see you so charming, Jethro."
"If you're going to complain, I could stop," he quipped, "You should be grateful to be so lucky to be the recipient of such charm."
Laughing softly, she pressed her forehead against his temple and kissed the corner of his mouth because she knew how true that last statement was.
A smile spread across his lips when hers left his skin. He handed her the crepe, receiving a delighted 'thank you' before they continued down the Paris streets side by side.
~xXxXxXxXxXx~
Her thoughts were broken and she jumped when his voice called her name from the doorway to the bedroom. She didn't look up from her desk, swallowing the lump that had formed in her throat.
"When are you coming to bed?" Jethro asked, his voice hoarse and gruff from sleep.
"In a minute," she answered in as normal a tone that she could find despite all that was running through her head, "I'm almost done here. Go back to bed and I'll join you soon."
As she heard his footsteps fade slowly away, the tears began to well up in her eyes again. She glanced over the piece of stationary before her and pursed her lips together. It may not have been something that she wanted to do, but it was definitely something that needed to be done in order to get where she wanted to go.
Jen brought the pen to the paper again and wrote her name, each loop, curve, hump, and swish of her pen signing a future with Jethro away.
She folded the paper in half and slipped it into an envelope before scribbling his name on the outside. Getting up from her chair, she walked through the doorway that he had just been at moments before and went into the bedroom. The room was dark, but she knew that he was fast asleep by his rhythmic breathing. She just stood there for several moments looking into his face, watching each of his features become defined as her eyes adjusted to the darkness.
At last, she whispered, "Goodbye, Jethro," and placed the envelope onto the pillow next to him, where she should have been. Turning, she grabbed her coat and bag and was out the door not a minute later.
He would wake up to that which was the only thing that was left of her. She knew that he would hate her for some time, if not forever, but that was for the better. The more he felt that way towards her, the less pain he would feel because of her actions. At least then, she could somewhat live with herself.
She walked away determined to never look back, not knowing that she would question this night for the rest of her life.