A/N: This is just the prologue, chapters will get longer. Thanks for reading.

Be warned there will be self-harm and mental illnesses, they will also be flashbacks that will be dark and upsetting, and there will be a lot of angst in the story.

Prologue

Castiel

I cut so that they don't have to. "What you doing?" I screech at Lucifer who is reading my diary, sitting on my bed and just reading it. I can see the word's he's just read; I can see the look on his face.

"Castiel, what is this about?" He asks concerned and I hate that. Lucifer is always a prick, that's who he is. He can't be concerned, I won't allow it.

I rip the book out his hands throwing it across the room and then spring on him, wrapping my hands around his throat and throttling him.

He's shocked that I would attack him that he just lies and takes it, then attacks me back. He's stronger than me but I'm beyond angry.

"No" I squeeze tighter that he's choking and then the door flies open with a bang and a scream of "Cas, stop it" I run shoving past Balthazar and out the house, I run through the streets until I get to the small woodland.

I go to my favourite place and crouch down as the tears slipped down my face. It was over, I was over. The whole family would know the sickening truth about me and I'd be locked away forever. Hell, I had tried to strangle my own brother.

I reach inside my pocket hoping like hell I hadn't dropped the razor blade in mine and Lucifer's struggle. Thankfully, it's there.

I smile as I push my sleeves up and start to drag it across an old cut. The rush flew through me and I did it again, again until I felt better.

I awoke to grass tickling my nose and the sound of shouting voices. I sneeze and the footsteps that are just about to go pass me stop. They stop and come back and then I see my sister Anna. "Found him" Anna called out crouching down beside me. She brushed my hair back and smiled gently at me. "Hey Cas"

I turn away from her, her hands slip down to grab my wrists gently.

"Holy shit" I hear Gabriel say.

"Gabriel get out of here" Michael says and then he's in front of me as Anna removes her top to wrap around my wrists, leaving her in just a grey vest-top but she doesn't shiver despite the cold weather. I shiver as the coldness steeps into my bones and I let out a small whimper.

Michael lowers himself to the ground and cradles me to his chest before straightening up again and carrying me out. I lean into his comfort as one of my other siblings wraps their jacket's around me.

I'm taken back home and into my bed. I whine when Michael goes to leave, I suddenly do not want to be left alone and he crawls into my bed beside me, wrapping his arms around me.

"What's going to happen to me?" I ask him.

"Don't worry about it Cas, just get some sleep, okay?" He strokes my hair and I close my eyes liking the motion of it.

"You going to send me away?" I ask trying to hold back my tears.

"God no Cas, I would never. I'm here, I'll look after you" I can tell in his voice that he means it.

I snuggle into him and he kisses my forehead and mumbles that everything will be okay, it's like a lullaby and I'm soon asleep.

Dean

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. And I deal with it by drinking a six pack of beer with a random girl and then later lying down with a spliff and said random girl. I go home with rumbled clothes, at five in the morning, drunk and stoned out my head and then the yelling starts.

I tap the bottom of the beer can as I hold it up to my mouth, getting the last drops out until there's no more. "Hey Dean" Meg who always wears the skinny jeans, loves coffee and sex and is just that slightly bit crazy, kisses me.

Me and Meg aren't friends but we hang around with the same group of people sometimes, occasionally she might offer to ride me home and occasionally we might do sexual stuff.

"Hey" I say right back to her pressing my body into her's, her fingers trail down my neck and I moan into her mouth, while undoing the zipper on her jeans.

We don't hear the commotion downstairs until were getting right into it and someone comes barging in. "Get up now!"

We jump to our feet, fingers fumbling to do up a button there, a zipper there. We follow Aaron down the stairs. "Dean Winchester, you can stay right here" Ellen Harvelle is standing in the middle of the living room, her children on the couch along with some of my friends whose parents are close with Ellen.

I was so dead. I glare at Aaron; we could have jumped out that window. I watch as Meg and a few other people are able to leave and then the rest of us are faced with our doom.

"I am going to call each of your parents to pick you up, the utter disgrace and respect you've shown tonight" She shakes her head in anger and starts to dial the phone.

One by one my friends disappear and my dad comes in last. He doesn't speak to me, he just grasps me by the arm and hauls me out the house and in the car.

There's no yelling tonight, dad just tells me to go straight to bed. I do but then five minutes later I have to throw up.

I'm halfway across the landing when I hear my dad on the phone. "This is self-destructive behaviour; it can't go on like this" I really feel the bile rush up and have to run to the bathroom, when I'm finished dad's not on the phone anymore.

In the morning, the crazy is everywhere and I reach under the bed for the Jack Daniels that can wash the crazy away, when I feel a hand on my arm.

"Dean it's morning" My little brother Sammy says, glancing at me fearfully. He's not scared of me he's scared for me and at eleven years of age he shouldn't have to be. "Dean please"

My hands drop from the bottle and I bury my head in the duvet, Sam's hand comes down on my head stroking gently. I start to lean into it and then remember how wrong this all is.

I pull away, burrowing myself further and Sam soon leaves. I try not to cry.