Thanatos
The Edge of Immortality
by Seishuku Skuld (skuldhotohori@yahoo.com)
Series: X
Pairing: Implied Seishirou x Subaru
Disclaimers: Some characters here belong to CLAMP. In fact, all of them. Dammit.
*~*~*~*~*
The Beginning?
Or The End?
The Journey Begins in the Darkest of Night
Subaru cried.
Subaru wept.
Subaru screamed and cursed, and tore at his eye, which was a gift from another.
Finally, when he was exhausted, from crying, weeping, screaming, and cursing,
Subaru slept.
*~*~*~*~*
Universe 50889.7
Subaru had no arms.
He had no legs, no feet, no head, and possessed no voluntary movement.
He drifted, floating in endless nothingness, cocooned in his own existence. Subaru simply was - for a small moment, into and of himself.
Then something shifted, and he draped himself upon the boundaries of essence, his form extending and expanding far beyond his senses and unto the textures he found skimming barely an eternity beneath him. He oozed through rock, through wood, through air, water and metal, he dripped into nothingness, the sands of time filtering his consciousness until a strong wind blew and scattered his wits to the far ends of the known universe, small shining pearls, inconsequent but somehow still crucial.
A small bit of Subaru stopped - a fraction of his material, a droplet of the whole yet also wholly contained and unique – and fell into a pool of endless waters with hardly a ripple marring that mirrored surface. It trickled unseen, unaware, slipping and sliding into a Memory that was completely, darkly opaque and forbidding, without forgiveness.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(Quote.) I love this Tokyo. (End quote.)
The illusion of life.
The illusion of love.
The illusion of ecstasy.
The illusion of what was and what was not.
The city that never slept.
The boy that never understood.
The man that never revealed his secrets.
The circle that never ended but instead continued in its path, a doomsday juggernaut carving out its fate again and again and again and again and… without reprieve.
Something that was meant to be and something that was not.
Subaru darted out of nowhere, his consciousness materializing in this strange land, each piece put together by some haphazard, clumsy child. Everything was wrong. Everything was right. Whisked off by a cloud, Subaru peeked through the shade of his own mind and into the sprawling panorama above him.
Tokyo was upside down.
Tokyo was right-side up.
Tokyo was inverted, shining, swallowed in darkness; both the same and the opposite of what he once remembered it to be.
Tokyo Tower stood above him, its legs stuck to the ground, casting its pinnacle downward like some giant wayward stalactite protruding from a vast, cavernous ceiling dotted with buildings, all peering down at him. The city covered his entire vision above, a mockery of the night time sky with its glowing lights.
Everything was right.
Everything was wrong.
Subaru stumbled over himself, falling deeper and deeper into the blue sky as he rushed towards the city at incredible speeds as the wind whistled shrilly in his ears. He was falling up, he was falling down, he was falling in love and into insanity. He was ascending into hell and descending into the heavens. He was black. He was white. He was the terminus between light and shadow. He was a mirror, the impenetrable barrier, helpless but to display the visage of others who touched him.
Somehow, something or someone had screwed things up.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
the mirror of things: something many years ago
"Subaru! Try this on!"
"Do I have to?"
"Yes, of course! I made it so you have to try it on!"
"But it's pink!"
"That's because it matches mine!"
A grudging reply, reluctant, pouty, but somehow filled with love.
"There! See? Don't you look great? Now no one can tell us apart!"
"But I'm wearing a dress!"
"Yes. Now aren't we cute together?"
Two pairs of identical faces staring at their reflections.
"I guess so…"
"Let's see if we can fool Grandmother into thinking you're me for a day."
"But…but…"
"Don't worry! She won't be able to tell! Just talk like me!"
"But…but…"
"Don't you want to know what it is to be like me?"
"But we're twins, so we already know."
"…"
A moment of silence and intense thought.
"Well, let's trick Grandmother anyway."
A strong hand clasping a hesitant one, and a small body dragging her twin out of the room.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Enigma 3.012 – A Room Full of Toys
Clink.
Click.
Ding.
creak
creak
creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk…………
A life-size marionette peered at Subaru with intent green eyes. There were strings around its fingers, delicately crafted threads tied neatly in little holes drilled in the middle of each digit. The black hair was silkenly soft, shimmering in the unearthly light of the wooden room. The thing was dressed in the most absurd dress imaginable, a rosy taffeta gown that was hewn off at the puppet's knees and splashed with an ugly red ichor as if a giant had accidentally dropped his paintbrush there and never bothered to clean up. The face stared at Subaru, impeccable in its detail, the hue of skin endowed with a glow and warmth that betrayed its once-human nature.
"Su-ba-ru"
click … clack
With a flailing of limbs the puppet cocked its head and regarded the Sumeragi with a particularly awkward sort of curiosity. Its movement was ungainly, a fledging bird just learning to fly. Or perhaps it moved that way because it was so restricted by the web of strings fastened to the multitude of holes carefully placed upon its body.
"Su-ba-ru"
click … clack
The voice was hard and cold, but frighteningly soft. The puppet blinked, little wooden eyelids closing over living, emeraldine paint.
"Su-ba-ru. What-are-you-doing?"
The Sumeragi opened his mouth, but sound failed him, and nothing came out.
Lamenting.
Composing poetry.
Writing a requiem.
Performing high Shakespearean tragedy.
"N-n-nothing…" Subaru finally whispered, the air in his lungs rushing out, gushing past his voice in a harsh torrent as he choked back a cough and a gasp.
"Su-ba-ru. What-are-you-doing?"
click click clack clack.
click clack.
The puppet approached him, gliding awkwardly along the floor, floating on imaginary winds. It reached its wooden arms towards him in a jerky motion, fingers extended, locked in a position of arthritic agony.
"Nothing…" Subaru whispered again, gulping.
"Su-ba-ru. Why-are-you-doing?"
"W-why am I doing what?"
creak…creeeeeeeeeek…
The wooden hand touched his face of flesh. Subaru gasped at its chill, its dampness. He looked down at the limb and realized it was rotting away, bitten by termites, drowned in maggots. Subaru wanted to pull away but found that he was rooted to the spot.
"Su-ba-ru. Why-are-you-doing-what-you-are-doing?"
"I…I don't know what you mean…" Subaru looked down at the marionette caressing him so affectionately, its decaying wood rubbing his cheek, leaving the reek of a decade's worth of neglect and scorn. Subaru closed his eyes; the odor made him dizzy. "I don't know…what…"
Roughly, the puppet shoved him away, gripping his head with both its arms and pushing him to the floor. Subaru stumbled, but did not fall. He stared at the thing in horror as it glided towards him, arms hanging limply at its sides. It was bent over as if it were an old man, its strings humming shrilly as it hissed at him, opening its mouth, a great gaping hole of blackness in its wooden head. Its eyes sparkled in the dark light of the room, suddenly shifting from a verdant green to a deep, emblazoned bronze. It stared directly at Subaru.
"Su-ba-ru-kun…"
Subaru scrambled backwards and fled. He ran into a wall, pressed himself against it, and fell through to the other side.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Corridor 5
left, right, left, left, right
Dreamers play
and Dreamers weave as Dreams leave
and in the end, all is naught but the silence of the night
and the quiet rays of the drifting moon.
The sky turned right-side up and the earth turned upside down
The falling petals of the season's blossoms rise up to join the clouds
Bury memories forever.
Dreamers play
and Dreamers weave as Dreams leave
and blackness claims all in the silence of the night
and hopes crumble like towering giants.
The bridges between two worlds
wishing and speaking
fall
The debris of the evening's sorrow turns to sand
burying our memories forever.
Dreamers play
and Dreamers weave as Dreams are lost
and wanderers of dark remembrances flounder and fail
and the small spark of light is dropped, extinguished in the heady aroma of despair.
The walls close in, left, right, and all around, a great intangible box
The unimaginative thoughts closing, becoming, shaping the fate of the world.
Dreamers play
and Dreamers weave as Dreams continue to walk
and endless corridors mean nothing
and yet nothing still except for the oneness and the continuity of all things alone.
The quietness steeped in dank, slimy silence
The greatest of all things trapped, chained, fettered to the fate of the world.
Dreamers play
and Dreamers weave as Dreams fade
and the eternity of the moonless night becomes day
and a new sun blossoms on the horizons, a new world fraught by sunlight and tears.
The darkness melts away and all things are clear
As the birds herald the morning and only the dew remains to cry.
*~*~*~*~*~*
gamma, exponential, chi-squared
Probable Improbability
"Good morning, Subaru-kun."
Good morning, Seishirou-san.
"Did you have a nice rest?"
Of course. Your arms are warm and your body is soft and accustomed to my weight.
"Did you have good dreams?"
I always have good dreams when I'm with you, Seishirou-san. You know that.
"Then what did you see, Subaru-kun?"
Tokyo, Hokuto and I when we were younger, Hokuto now, and something confusing, I think.
"Confusing?"
Something like that.
"What sort of confusing?"
Something like the feeling of being lost…
I don't know, I can't remember it well.
Let's ignore it.
"What's that grin on your face, Subaru-kun?"
You know very well what this grin is, Seishirou-san.
"And what does my Subaru want this morning?"
Something simple.
"Nothing in this world is ever simple, love."
No, but this is. I promise.
Real easy.
"What is it then?"
You.
"Me?"
Yes, just you.
You in the morning, you at noon, you at night
And you forever and forever.
"Some things might not be as simple as you think they are, Subaru-kun."
But you'll make them work out in the end…
…won't you?
*~*~*~*~*~*
As the night begins to fade
Searching for the Brightest Full Moon
In the end there is nothing about the moon. It is neither the iridescent silver of its shine, nor its round, pale face that mystifies the mind. The moon simply is, itself a miraculous being. How long has the moon followed the Earth, always turning the one, the same face towards it, fearful of its dark side?
Perhaps it was this way from the beginning.
Perhaps it was this way that was destined…
*~*~*~*~*~*
A storm, a memory, a mirage, an illusion, and a glimpse of reality
Things as they were, could have been, still are, and will forever be
A dream within a dream, visited by spirits and demons
And ghosts who smile
A storm was coming, a great monsoon with howling winds and drops of rain falling so quickly and hard they stung like needles. The sky was already darkened by low hanging thunderheads, all signs of the previous sunlight obscured.
"I'm scared." Subaru was caught in a tree, having climbed too high on its branches. The lower ones had already snapped off since his twin sister had climbed off first, and now he was stuck, with his only route of escape to jump.
"Don't worry, Subaru!" Hokuto called up to him, her voice nearly lost in the howling of the wind, "I've already gotten help!"
He was a mere ten feet off the ground, but to his eyes it seemed more like a hundred. He could see his feet, those tiny things attached to his legs, dangling off the branch, hovering in indecision. Jumping off wouldn't hurt… would it?
He imagined hurting himself in all sorts of ways; his leg would get stuck under him and he would land on it, or he would tumble mid-air and fall on his head, or the shock of the landing would cripple him, and he'd fall over sideways. A million different possibilities played themselves over in his head, and he froze, every attempt he made to jump stopped by the gut instinct holding him back. He must not get hurt.
"When is help coming, Hokuto?"
"In a minute!"
"Nee-san, I'm scared."
"Come on, Subaru! Be a man! It's not that far of a jump."
He stared at the ground below him, little five-petaled pink flowers growing at the trees roots amongst, short, stubby tufts of grass, stalks bent with the wind. It would be so easy to land wrong, get his foot caught in a root and twist his ankle. And then his grandmother would yell at him for being clumsy, and Hokuto would yell at him for being clumsy, and Seishirou-san would sigh and tell him he was clumsy…
"Hokuto-chan," a smooth baritone came into earshot, sounding of cream and silk, so wonderfully soft and playful. "What was this about Subaru-kun being stuck in a tree?"
"Subaru's stuck in a tree, Sei-chan!" She pointed upwards at her brother, sticking her tongue out at him as she brushed away the wisps of hair in her eyes. "And he's too afraid to jump."
Seishirou laughed, his dark trench coat swirling about him as the wind blew, setting aflight a flurry of the tree's blossoms, some small flowers settling into his dark hair.
"It's all right, Subaru-kun. I'll catch you."
Seishirou held up his arms, open, inviting, the same happy smile still on his face. "See, Subaru-kun? I'll catch you."
"B-But…" Subaru hesitated, wanting to jump, wanting to fly through the air and into those arms, but something still held him back, the possibility, the slight possibility, that maybe, maybe, Seishirou would miss, and he would tumble to the ground. "What if you miss?"
"I won't miss, Subaru-kun."
"How do you know that?"
"Because I love you, Subaru-kun."
"B-But…what if I miss?"
"Then you have to make sure not to miss."
Subaru closed his eyes, stilled his body, stilled his mind. He called on memories of his childhood of climbing trees, climbing to the rooftops of buildings…but he had never been scared like this. There was no way down, no way to go, no way to escape. It was either jump, or stay in the tree forever. There were no other options, and he could see that from the look on his sister's and Seishirou's faces.
"I'm scared," he whispered again to himself. He was weak, so weak, so fragile for being frightened, afraid of the pain. What was it to him, after all that he'd been through? Scraped knees, twisted ankles, didn't the pain always go away in the end? Hadn't he always healed, always overcome it, and been able to try again?
What if the wind was too strong, and Seishirou wouldn't be able to hold him, and he would be swept away with the breeze, caught in the storm clouds forever hovering above the earth, with nothing but the lonely raindrops and the freezing cold as his remaining friends? Then he would lose Seishirou-san and Hokuto, and that was the one thing he could not stand to have happen again. If he didn't jump, then the tree would shield him from the wind, and he could be with them forever…
"But what if…it hurts too much?"
Seishirou and Hokuto didn't answer, but kept gazing up at him. They were waiting, waiting for his decision, and he wanted to jump, god how he wanted to jump, wanted to take that leap, use his arms and propel himself from the tree…but what if…what if he landed wrong, and it would never heal, and the pain would never go away? What would happen then?
"I believe in you, Subaru," his sister smiled up at him, giving him a thumbs up. "You can do it!"
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, counting to three, intending for all the world to jump, to land in Seishirou's arms, and not elsewhere, but when he opened his eyes, he was still in the tree branch, and his body was tensed, wracked with nerves, and had not budged even an inch in the right direction.
Subaru cursed himself inside, wished that he could do it. It wasn't just the physical barrier stopping him, the need for self-preservation, but it was something inside his own mind too, a weakness, a wall to be scaled, a barrier to jump over, something that he had to do on his own. What would he be if he didn't do it? Stuck forever in the tree…stuck forever watching his sister and Seishirou-san wait. They were patient, but would they wait forever? Would he waste away in the tree, always gazing down at the ground so far away, wishing he was elsewhere, but too scared to actually go?
Seishirou was expecting him to jump, Seishirou wanted him to do it, but then that would mean…
"I believe in you, Subaru-kun." The dark sunglasses came off, tossed aside and Seishirou looked back at him with both of his eyes, the color of a dark, burnished bronze. So beautiful, so beautiful, something he didn't want to throw away, something he wanted to remember. If he could stay in the tree, then he could gaze at them forever and they would never leave…
"Come down, I'll catch you."
"Are you sure?" Subaru asked, his heart beating quickly in his chest, tearing him to pieces. He wanted to jump, he wanted to jump, he wished his body and his mind would let him jump…
"I'm sure, Subaru-kun. I'll be here to catch you."
"What if I miss? What if you miss?"
"I'll be here, Subaru-kun. No matter what."
"…Okay…"
and Seishirou smiled again, a dashing, valiant smile, as if he were the Prince and Subaru the Princess, and he was rescuing Subaru, waiting for Subaru, loving Subaru, saving Subaru…
…and it was a small breath that he let away from his body, and he closed his eyes and let his body do the work for him. He felt his arms push away from the tree, and he was falling, falling so slowly for he was light as a feather and his course was sure, and he saw many things as he fell: the tree he had been in, his sister's face smiling up at him, the birds that flew by, the storm clearing and the sun in the sky, the shadows of insects in the earth and the lives of the small, blind earthworms in the dirt, and everything came together with the dying of the wind.
"Okay…"
…and it was all right because he was falling into Seishirou's arms, and Seishirou was catching him, and grinning and laughing and smiling. Seishirou was smiling, and that was all that Subaru needed to see.
*~*~*~*~*
The end of the road
The setting of the moon
The fading of the night
The Day of Decision
Subaru sighed. He stretched, and woke up to find that he had been tucked safely into his bed, not at all on the carpet upon which he remembered himself collapsing the previous night. There was the warm smell of coffee wafting in through the kitchen, and from the crack in his bedroom door, he could see the miso soup laid out for him in the morning.
But his apartment was empty…
…or no, it was very full.
Very full, indeed.
Subaru smiled then, and he continued to smile for the rest of the day.
End Thanatos: The Edge of Immortality
*~*~*~*~*
Author's Notes: Yes, that was weird. You guys have no clue how long that took me to write. I'm not sure what sort of ending song I'd have for this piece…perhaps "Ascension of the Spirit" by Evanescence. Sure, that fits the mood pretty nicely.
All flames, criticism, and questions about confusion are to be directed to Skuld where she will promptly twist your brain so you think the same trippy way that she does.
And no, she is not on any psychotropic drugs. She is not high, but she may be tripping. But then again, she was born that way.