If this gets posted, then I'll be damned.
It's for Smee-chan, who is a FREAK!!
Yes, that's right, you heard me… ::giggle:: I'm kiddin!
It's a Bert + Ernie (from Sesame Street)…crazy, huh?
And it all started with a personal joke, and my ability to
talk like Ernie…
Erg…why must I torture myself like this?!
~ Wannon-chan ~
I take blame for this… I just wanted to read some Bert and
Ernie slash… and my good buddy Wannon obliged…
~Smeegee-chan~
WARNINGS: Perverted puppets, Sesame slash… dead pigeons and
rubber duckies. Are we insane? The
short answer is YES, the long answer would take several hours to share…
THE FANFIC (By Wannon-chan)
Sesame
SKANK. (okay, so there's nothing
skanky…I just liked the title)
It was
one of those days on Sesame Street. You
know, brightly colored birds were being strung along, their fake feathers
fluffing out in the wind, Big Bird was singing a song about some ungodly
educational thing, Snuffleupagus (sp?) was batting his incredibly long
eyelashes…
And Bert
was pigeon-watching.
"Eh eh
eh eh…" he laughed, as one of the pigeons strutted past, cooing loudly. It saw Bert and died of a heart attack.
"Aw…" he
commented, and threw the dead bird on the steadily increasing pile by his
feet. The Count opened his mouth and
began counting.
"One…two…three…four…five…six…SEWAN
DEAD PIGEONS! AH,AH,AH!" he said. Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled. Bert's monobrow fell down across his eyeballs.
"Uh,
Count? Could you go count somewhere else?" he asked. The Count tried to look as angry as an expressionless puppet
could, before The Puppet Master dragged him away. Bert resumed killing…watching pigeons.
"Eh, eh,
eh, eh…" he laughed again.
~ * ~
Ernie
was busily rummaging through Bert's bottle-cap collection, tossing them
everywhere.
"Where's
my buddy Bert? Oh, I'm so lonely…" he said to himself. He spied his rubber duckie looking at him
from the bathtub and laughed, a hissing sound.
"Rubber
Duckie! You'll keep me company!" he exclaimed. He rushed to the bathtub and filled it with water and bubblebath. Then he peeled off his ridiculous-looking
clothes and hopped in, the water seeping through his stuffed body. Ernie grabbed his rubber…duckie!…I really mean his rubber
duckie…not anything hentai-ish, Smee! ::giggle:: Don't look at me like that!!
So
anyways, yeah. He grabbed his rubber
duckie and began pushing it around the water. Then he began to sing;
"Rubber
Duckie, you're the one…you make bath time so much fun…Rubber Duckie, I'm
awfully fond of you…"
::splash::
Ernie
stared at the thing that had landed in his bath…
"Super
Grover?! Oh, what are you doing in my bath?!" he asked. Super Grover stood up, dripping water
everywhere.
"I'm
looking for Kermit the Frog…have you seen him?" he asked. A green head poked up from out of the water.
"Hi-ho,
Kermit de Frog here…" it said.
"AAAGH!"
said Super Grover.
"AAAGH!"
said Kermit the Frog.
"GET OUT
OF MY BATH!!" said Ernie. The two
perverted puppets left quickly, leaving Ernie alone, and still missing Bert.
~ * ~
Bert had
managed to kill off all the pigeons on Sesame Street, and was now completely
bored.
"Maybe I
could go count my bottle caps…" he said to himself. He rushed up the stairs and opened his and Ernie's apartment
door.
"ERNIE!!!"
he screamed upon seeing his bottle cap collection strewn everywhere. Ernie came sliding across the floor, unable
to stand, as he was too heavy with water.
"Oh, my
good buddy Bert…I've missed you so much!" he said, as he looked up at the
frowning puppet with a monobrow.
"Ernie!
You've ruined my bottle cap collection! Look at them! They're everywhere that
they're not supposed to be!!" he said, gesturing wildly. Ernie's left eye fell off.
"Oh
dear. Oh, my good buddy Bert…I seem to
have lost an eye." He said calmly. Bert
bent down to pick it up, and his monobrow fell off.
"Damn
thing! It's been playing up all day today!…stupid pigeon pecked it thinking it
was a moldy french fry." He muttered, picking it up as he stuck Ernie's eye
back on. Sideways.
"Uh,
Bert? Bert?…my eye seems to be on sideways, Bert." Ernie complained. Bert sighed deeply, twisting the eye around.
"Well if
you would stop having baths, Ernie, then you wouldn't go moldy and fall to
pieces!" he exclaimed. Ernie laughed.
"But how
can I play with my rubber duckie?" he asked, and Bert dropped his monobrow.
"What?
Ernie! This is a children's show!" he said, exasperated. Ernie tried to raise his eyebrows, and only
succeeded in making them fall to the floor with a wet 'splat'.
"Oh, my
good buddy Bert…there are no children watching, Bert." He said. Bert's nose fell off, bouncing across the floor
to land in a plastic potted plant.
"Ernie!"
he said. The orange-skinned puppet
laughed again.
"Hey
Bert…wanna be my rubber duckie?" he asked. Bert's eyes fell off, leaving him looking like a football with a tuft of
hair. Ernie took his chance, sliding
further across the floor to grab Bert's ankles, dragging him down to the floor.
"AAAGHH!"
Bert yelled, landing with a soft 'thump'. Ernie began to drag the yellow puppet, grabbing his facial features as
he went. He scrambled up into the
bathtub, bringing Bert with him.
"Ernie?
Are we in the bath?" Bert asked. Ernie
nodded, before realizing that Bert had no eyes.
"Yup! Oh
my good buddy Bert…we're gonna have so much fun!" he said enthusiastically, and
began to get rid of Bert's clothes. Once he was undressed, they began swapping eyes and noses, eyebrows and
monobrows. They had a ton of good,
healthy fun. Ernie leant over to try
and kiss Bert, but being such an awkwardly-made puppet, he couldn't quite do
it. Bert had fallen asleep, his
monobrow covering his eyes, which still looked open.
I must see if I can get Bert and I some
eyelids…he
thought. He decided to sing Bert a
lullaby, despite the fact he was already asleep.
"Rubber
Bertie, you're the one, you make my life lots of fun…Rubber Bertie, I'm awfully
fond of you…" he whispered, before he too, fell asleep with his eyes open. Soft snores arose from the two, as they
waited for the next Sesame Street episode to begin.
~ THE END ~
EPILOGUE
(By Wannon and Smee-chan)
The two
puppet masters came out from behind the bathtub. A redheaded girl grinned hugely, before the brunette whapped her
upside her head.
"Baka!"
she said, but spoilt the effect by grinning too. "I can't believe you actually
wrote that!" she said. The redhead
looked proud.
"You'd
think Sesame Street was unslashable," she mused.
"But...
what about Ernie and Bert?" The brunette asked sadly, "Can't you write a little
more when Ernie gets some action?" she concluded hopefully.
"Smee-chan!
I'm tired! You know what happens when I'm tired!! I didn't want this scary fic
to have a sappy ending…or have us in it…BUT IT DOES!!" Wannon sobbed
hysterically, "And I absolutely refuse to write Sesame Street lemon!"
Smee-chan
tried the puppy-dog eyes, but to no avail. Wannon frowned.
"Like I
haven't faced that before," she said scornfully, storming away from the
fanfic. Smee-chan looked confused.
"Wait!
What should I do with this fanfic?!" she called after Wannon.
"Whatever
you bloody well like! It's yours! I take no responsibility for it!" she
snapped.
WHAT WANNON WANTS TO HAPPEN: Smee-chan
sighed, as she finished reading this. She then closed down the document and deleted the fanfic, making a silent
promise never to mention it again…for fear of Wannon strangling her to death.
WHAT
ACTUALLY HAPPENS: Smee-chan giggled as she remembered all the funny stuff that
happened in Wannon's insane fic and decided right there and then to post
it. So what if it gets flames! she
thought, I think its DAMN hilarious! And I'm sure that some other people
will too…
The
End.
Wannon is the brilliant soul who wrote the actual fanfic…
and Smee-chan is the insane individual who requested it, stole it and posted
it.
You go comments? Come
on... you thought it was funny, didn't you? Review below… guess what… if ya flame Wannon, Smee-chan will track you
down and beat you with a trout with NAILS in it.
Just for the record… we will never write more Sesame Street
stories… there will be no Super Grover x Kermit the Frog… no Cookie Monster x
Snufulupgus… Unless… Lets not got there ^_^