A/N: Hi friends! Behold in the grandeur of my latest fanfiction... I've been listening to Sweeney Todd all the day, so that's where the random burst of inspiration came from, in case anyone was wondering... I hope you enjoy it! :D
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters besides the barber, which is slightly depressing... I also don't own the TARDIS or the sonic screw driver- however, I do own a regular screw driver, which could be a little more sonic.
THE DOCTOR GETS A HAIRCUT
The familiar wheezing of the TARDIS filled the air, vibrations spinning away through the streets of Cardiff. The doctor opened the door and stumbled outside, looking around and waiting for his eyes to adjust to the light. It was a pleasant day-the sky a wide blue expanse with picture-perfect clouds drifting by. Amy and Rory followed, filing out onto the street. A couple of passer-byers eyed the lot quizzically before returning their attention to their daily lives.
"You know what you need, Doctor? A proper haircut." Amy ruffled his hair and hooked her arm around his and marched off to the nearest building: an old, rundown structure, sporting the universal barber's red and blue spirals. Immediately the Doctor resisted, protesting and reaching for Rory who was shaking his head and muttering something that sounded a lot like "Women and their hair obsessions..."
The bell hanging on the door chimed as the door swung open, revealing a well-lit barber's room. Only one chair stood in the middle of the room and it was currently occupied- a man receiving a shave. Other waiting chairs were dotted alongside the cracked wall and magazines were flung everywhere by the chairs, lying open and floppily.
"See, this shouldn't be too bad," Amy reassured, still clinging onto the Doctor. The Doctor, still squirming in an attempt to escape Amy's grasp, grew limp and gave up his battle with Amy's arm. Rory bounded for the magazines. He picked out a very thick, heavy one, drooling over some car featured on the front of it.
Satisfied the Doctor had given up all attempts at escaping, Amy sat down and picked up a magazine with a man's naked, muscular torso on the front. The Doctor, meanwhile, gorged himself with the candies on the table. Amy looked up and went back to her magazine shaking her head in mock disapproval. Honestly, he is SUCH a child... she thought, returning her gaze on some guy's finely chiseled abdominals.
The man in the chair had finally finished his shave. He hopped off the chair and handed a wad of bills to the lady at the front and then exited the shop, bell tinkling a goodbye.
"Well then! Customers!" An overly-happy woman with a very small head for her body clasped her hands together. "Who's first?"
"This man, right here," Amy gestured towards the Doctor (who was still stuffing himself with the candies).
The Doctor, slightly disappointed, walked slowly to the chair, hopping on top. The bowl that previously held the candies was now empty, save for a couple of wrappers. The woman eyed the empty bowl and then the Doctor's bulging pocket, but did not say anything.
"Well then, let's get started, shall we? What kind of haircut would you like, dearie? Just a trim? How about a buzz cut? Gives the impression of a sergeant, that one does. Hm, I think a just a couple snips would suit you perfectly!" The lady's smile soon faded, however, as she had just caught sight of the Doctor's head. Or specifically, what was on top of it.
"I'm terribly sorry, dearie, but I'm afraid you'll have to take that off." She gestured towards his head.
"But fezzes are cool," the Doctor replied indignantly, crossing his arms.
"Sir, I'm afraid if you leave that fez on, you will end up with a bowl cut! And we wouldn't want that, now would we?" The barber then proceeded to attempting to swipe the fez away from the Doctor but to no avail.
Amy looked up from her magazine again, wondering what all the fuss was. Her eyes widened at the sight of the fez. How does he manage to find a ridiculous fez in this barber shop? Where on Earth did he get that good-for-nothing monstrosity?! Knowing him, he'll be pulling out a sombrero next, Amy thought aloud. Amy internally laughed at the thought of the Doctor in a sombrero, before returning her sights on a very buff man's biceps.
"I'll have you know, that I am absolutely positively sure that fezzes have some sort of purpose in life, and I will prove it to you some time!" the Doctor retorted. "And sombreros are cool."
Somehow the lady had managed to snatch the fez off the Doctor's head, placing it on a far counter. Far, far away from the Doctor. Which was an excellent move if she wanted to get anywhere with the haircut. Pouting, the Doctor shifted in his chair, watching the lady blanket a cloth around him, to preventany falling bits of hair from touching his sensible and stylish tweed jacket.
The lady took out her overly-large scissors and started snipping. However, the Doctor began to dodge every snip, laughing at the barber's incompetence at being unable to cut a single strand of his hair. The more he dodged, the livider the barber seemed to get. He leaped off the chair and ran straight for Amy, as the lady's snips became more desperate.
"Amy Pond, my fine-looking friend, save me! This terrible woman is trying to hurt me! If you don't do something, my good looks and charm will be snipped away from me! By this evil hag!" He said the last few words while shooting a look, dripping with poison, at the now-crazed-looking barber.
Amy was now too heavily engrossed with a man's highly muscular chest, and was completely oblivious to the Doctor's pleas.
The lady yelled something that no one could comprehend and launched herself at the Doctor and Amy. Amy had to tear her eyes away from some muscular bloke and looked up. She was met with the sight of maniac barber looking like she was ready to kill. She yelped and burst away towards the back door, the Doctor sprinting for the front.
All this was going on while Rory still drooled over that car in the magazine, unaware of the happenings around him.
"Doctor!" Amy cried as the barber turned on her, cornering her. Amy was frantically pounding and pulling the back door, but it wouldn't budge. The barber was closing in on her. A giant electrical razor had now replaced the scissors and she wielded it much like a gleeful child who had found his father's chainsaw. She also paraded a traditional razor blade in her other hand, swinging it carelessly. A glance on the barber's face told Amy that she was ready to carve her face like a pumpkin, and Amy wasn't too happy with these arrangements.
"She's gone mad! Doctor! Stop being so useless and help me for once, yeah?" Amy yelled urgently.
The Doctor groped for anything around him, desperate for something of use. He pulled out his sonic screwdriver, and with a whirring sound and a coruscation of green light, he sonic'd the barber. The barber, upon hearing the strange sound, whirled around and turned on him, razors in both hands, one buzzing dangerously.
"Right, note to self: sonic screwdrivers don't work on crazed barbers," the Doctor muttered.
He backed away from the barber, hand reaching the empty candy bowl. He grabbed it and threw it at her, hitting her forehead. It glanced off her and hit the floor, shattering into little crystals all over the floor. It appeared that the candy bowl did not have any effect on the barber and instead had infuriated her even more.
She charged at the Doctor, when all of a sudden, a bright red fez was slammed on her head. It slid over her slim head easily. Confused, she swiped blindly with her razors, narrowly missing the Doctor's shocked face. The Doctor's shock soon turned into glee as he realized what had just occurred. Amy, in desperation, had grabbed the "good-for-nothing" fez and smashed it onto the barber in an attempt to help her friend. However, the barber was still at it and away, bashing here and there, sightlessly.
"Do you… Do you suppose she's some sort of alien?" Amy asked.
"I doubt it. I honestly think she's just a very cross barber," the Doctor replied, rapidly trying to conjure up a plan. It won't be long until the barber realizes she can just take off the fez, the Doctor thought, not daring to speak that aloud to give her any ideas. She appears to be very dull…
Rory had finally finished reading the car magazine. He stood up and stretched, still eyeing the car on the front with much awe, when he tripped over a wire, knocking the plug out of the outlet. The razor stopped buzzing and the trip over the wire had sent Rory's beloved and very thick car magazine flying, hitting the barber on the head, effectively knocking her out. Rory looked up at the chaotic messiness of the previously spotless barber shop. The shattered remains of glass twinkled under the light, tables were upturned, cloth was shredded, and the counter was chipped. There was also a strangely limp body sprawled across the floor with an electrical razor in one hand and a traditional razor in the other. She also bore a fez that embraced her entire head, which Rory found slightly odd and a bit comical.
"What just happened?" Rory asked. The Doctor and Amy shared a look and laughed.
"Well, it looks like no more haircuts for me now!" the Doctor exclaimed happily, obviously pleased that not a strand of his hair had been touched. "Shame though," he said looking down at the unconscious body. "What a waste of perfectly fine fez." Rory glanced at Amy, noting the look on her face. Something told him Amy wasn't going to try to force the Doctor into getting another haircut for a while.
"Really though, what did I miss?" Rory insisted. The Doctor and Amy shared another look and laughed again, this time heading out the front door. Rory raced out after them, stopping only to pick up his favorite car magazine. The barber shop door closed behind them, the bell tinkling one last time.
THE END...!