Sooo I wrote this earlier this afternoon due to some people over on the Chuck Google Group talking about one shots. So, blame them for this and don't hate me lol. If you have Charah frustrations don't flame me lol. This is for those people who like angst. The song is "Better Than Me" by Hinder.
I think you can do much better than me
After all the lies that I made you believe
Guilt kicks in and I start to see
The edge of the bed
Where your nightgown used to be
…
Sarah Walker was a coward.
Deep down, Sarah had always known it was coming. But denial had been her friend. She'd kept convincing herself time and time again what they were doing wasn't wrong and that it was meant to be. No, what they had been doing was wrong...even if it had felt so right. In the end what had it gained them? More pain and suffering.
Sarah was doing what she did best: following orders. She knew it could be seen as cowardice and she was ashamed of herself. But leaving is the best thing she could do for Chuck. It'll hurt at first, but over time he'll do exactly what she had said he would. He'd forget all about her, despite what he thought. Sarah was the kind of girl people made themselves forget. That was all she was worth.
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
…
She had spent her first few days determined not to miss Chuck Bartowski; but at night, when she had no one to comfort her, she'd find herself imagining the way his body felt pressed against hers, the way she'd watch him sleep, and the way he always smiled so brightly when he'd see her. She couldn't get the image out of her mind, despite everything she tried. It was like he etched himself into her very soul, marking her for life. Everywhere she went she was reminded of him constantly. During the day it was easier to get along; she had too many other concerns to be focusing her thoughts on her personal issues. It was just at night when the ghosts of her past would haunt her.
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
…
Sarah missed Chuck Bartowski, though missed was way too tame a word for her to use. Craved was closer. She yearned for him, for his touch, his laugh, and his smile. Nothing she did filled the vast, dark canyon in her soul Chuck's presence used to occupy. She'd forgotten how miserable she'd been before she'd known Chuck; now she was constantly reminded by her current blind sense of deep loss. Words were cheap to Sarah and she couldn't describe exactly how dark and misguided she felt.
It wasn't Chuck's fault she was gone. It was hers. She'd left him. She'd chosen duty over love once again when the CIA told her they knew about her sexual relationship with her asset. They'd reassigned her and Sarah had gone, knowing the whole time, if she really wanted to stay, the CIA couldn't stop her. She hadn't known why she was leaving then, but now she understood. Fear drove her to leave Chuck – and even herself, for Sarah was now was a shell of who she'd once been. She'd left herself with Chuck too – and forsaken everything they'd built together. It was the fear of real, true love. Sarah had felt not only unworthy, but unwilling, to sacrifice everything. She had her life as a spy, and she was too cowardly to depart from it.
While looking through your old box of notes
I found those pictures I took
That you were looking for
If there's one memory I don't want to lose
That time at the mall
You and me in the dressing room
…
Sarah had left with something of Chuck's though, because cowards always did. Had she mentioned cowards were masochistic too?
It was a box, full of old notes Chuck had written for Sarah, even from their first year of knowing each other. He'd had them all along. It wasn't until days before she left Chuck had told her of them. The notes changed in their tone, going from loving, to angry, to rejected, to sorry. Some even had enough power to bring tears to her eyes. Especially the ones on trust.
He'd also kept pictures of them. It was one thing she had foolishly let him do. But it wasn't what got them found out, so she held no regrets on that front. She'd found the pictures in the box with the notes, though she hadn't known they were there when she left. They'd been at the bottom, and apparently Chuck had forgotten they were there because he had been looking for them.
The pictures brought an agonized smile to her face. How she missed her Chuck. Looking at these pictures brought a physical ache inside her body. Most of the pictures were innocent enough, but there were a few they took in a dressing room. The whole incident had been so juvenile but they hadn't cared then. She still couldn't believe Chuck did that.
I told myself I won't miss you
But I remember
What it feels like beside you
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
…
As the months went by with Chuck absent from her life, Sarah could feel her humanity slipping away from her. She was cold, and detached and every day felt more and more lifeless. But still she would never go back to Chuck. He deserved so much better than her.
Not only did she hardly sleep, when she did it was disturbed. Her dreams were always, always about him. She'd wake up crying out. Bad things happened to them in her dreams, things far worse than the hell she was going through now. She wondered if he even thought about her anymore. She certainly didn't deserve a second thought.
The bed I'm lying in is getting colder
Wish I never would've said...
…
"It's over," Sarah remembered speaking the words so quietly over the phone. At first Chuck was silent, and Sarah waited for the storm to hit. He started to stutter, "No, Sarah! We can do this! Why are you leaving me? What did I do? Sarah, wh-" and then she'd hung up on him, shedding light tears as she slowly began to finish packing her things
He'd driven up to her hotel room just as she was getting into her Porsche. He'd run to her door and she'd quickly locked it, hearing his muffled "Why, Sarah? We can make it work! You don't have to go!" She'd sped out of the parking lot, seeing him still standing in the middle of the street watching her leave.
She hadn't cried then as she left behind everything that she loved, the vast darkness hadn't settled over her heart then. It took a couple weeks for her to realize exactly all she had thrown away, including herself.
The CIA hadn't had one more complaint for Sarah. She was like a machine. Get in, finish the mission, get out. She'd do anything and deal with anyone. She didn't care what happened; she didn't even really care if she lived. Maybe that was why she'd lasted this long. She'd always heard a person who didn't care was the most dangerous.
But Sarah did care...just not about her own life. The part of her that still cared about anything was left with Chuck.
And I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older
Cause we never really had our closure
This can't be the end
I really miss your hair in my face
And the way your innocence tastes
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
…
Everyday Sarah thought of Chuck. Almost every moment private moment she had he was on her mind. She prayed Chuck had moved on, that maybe he'd found some happiness unlike her. She was the instigator of her pain and only hoped that Chuck hated her enough to find someone else. She didn't want him to be suffering like she was. She knew she was beyond redemption though; Chuck would never take her back. She wasn't even sure she'd disrespect him enough to ask.
So, when she was assigned a mission to Los Angeles, she begrudgingly obliged. She didn't want to go back anywhere near California. She'd come to hate the whole state. It reminded her of a part of herself that had died and now, being there, knowing Chuck was so close...it hurt. California could burn in Hell for all she cared.
She wasn't even expecting it when she saw him. He didn't see her, but she knew it was him immediately. It was so random. What were the odds of them entering the same restaurant? It was high end too, which, unless Chuck had received some kind of inheritance was far more than he could afford, unless it was a mission.
Sarah looked for Casey, but couldn't find him anywhere. Chuck was alone and sitting at a small table just across the restaurant from her. He looked like he was waiting for someone. Even from here, Sarah could see some of the light had gone from his eyes. He didn't even offer the waiter a smile as he took his drink order. Nothing. Had she killed the part of Chuck that she loved so much?
She could go there, right now. She could talk to him and she was certain with the right words could get him to take her back. She knew she could. She was Agent Sarah Walker and this time, she wouldn't screw everything up. To Hell with the CIA.
She stood and walked towards his table. He still didn't see her. He was so absorbed in the table before him. It was so unlike Chuck to look so forlorn. Was it her fault? Did she cause him the same pain she experienced daily?
She realized she'd probably have to sit at his table before he saw her. Could she do that? Could she waltz back into his life? Did he even want that?
Sarah stood there, her pulse pounding in her ears. Everything she loved was sitting so close to her and she was frozen. She couldn't make herself approach the man she loved.
Finally, Sarah swallowed hard, looking at the small watch she wore. She had a briefing in an hour; if she hurried she'd make it. Goodbye, Chuck. Sarah's throat tightened as she turned her back on her former lover, her heart falling with each step she took. She understood now; she would always choose her head over her heart, and that's why she'd never be complete.
Chuck deserved better than her. He deserved so much better.
As she went out the side door, she looked back at Chuck once more and was shocked to see him staring right at her, utter surprise on his face. She wondered how empty she looked. She gave him her best apologetic look, and left.
Never would Sarah Walker hurt Chuck Bartowski again. She'd make sure of that.
And I think you should know this
You deserve much better than me
(And I think you should know this)
(You deserve much better than me
…
Again, totally blame the people on the GG :P But give me some feedback, I love to hear it. This is my first songfic one shot and "Better Than Me" has been stuck in my head so I thought "what the heck, I do that song". Thanks for reading!