Katniss P.O.V
I have been back in 12 for who knows how long. Time really has no meaning anymore. Prims gone, district 12 is basically gone, Peetas gone, Gale and my mother are gone by choice. Which is worse? I don't care to think about it. I sleep, although not really. Darkness brings out the nightmares and in the nightmares I see the faces of the people whose death I am almost solely responsible for. Sure some I didn't kill with my own hands but it was still by my actions. Actions I can never take back. Some I would, others I would have no problem doing again.
When I do decide that it is time to join the world of the living Greasy Sae has come and gone, always leaving food. Food really does nothing for me anymore. It used to mean so much, I was the one who provided it for my family after my father died and my mother checked out. It was me and me only who kept Prim and my mother alive. I failed at that completely. Prim is dead, my mother might as well be.
I eat only when it is necessary or when Haymitch decides to sober up and make me. Haymitch, my appointed caregiver after I finally snapped and killed the "wrong" president, if you ask me both she and Snow needed to die. I took care of two birds with one stone. I killed her, the crowd killed Snow after the panic I caused. Now, if only Peeta hadn't stopped me from ending it for myself all right there. I was inches away from a quick death. He took that from me, I blame him sometimes for the state that I am now in. If only his hand had not covered my access to the nightlock. He was a capital controlled killer programed to kill me yet he wouldn't let me do it. Why?
My days continue on with me sitting on a stool in the kitchen staring. At what I don't know, I just don't have the will to do anything else. I can't even remember the last time I talk. I have been talked at but I don't respond I just stare. When night falls Greasy return with dinner, she makes small talk while I stare. I can't seem to get away from the visions that haunt me at night. I guess the day is spent gearing up for the horrors that will greet me when my eyes close. Every day is like this, I wake up, I stare, I eat, maybe, I let the horrors consume me at night.
I wake up to screaming. It's not my own though, this time. It is a scream I have heard before, a deep guttural scream that immediately takes me back to 13 when he was staring at me screaming how I was a mutt and I killed his family. I go to my window and look out to see Haymitch running into his house. What is he doing here?
A million things run through my mind. I was not expecting this, I thought he was never coming back here. The Peeta I knew and who loved me was lost and gone forever, the capital made sure of that. Snow's final gift to me, taking the last thing in this world from me that would have made me truly happy.
How do I feel about this? For so long I denied my feelings for him. I had no idea what I was feeling though. Through the first games and the quarter quell I thought I was just trying to survive. Truth is I was but what I later came to understand in my days of staring and nothingness is that he is what I need to survive. Everyone needs a purpose and mine was, maybe still is Peeta. I tried to act like all those kisses, all those kind words I ever said to him were for the benefit for my survival in the games. They were and they weren't there was something more to it that I would never care to admit. Gale was right when he told Peeta I would choose who I could not survive without. He knows me so well. I cannot truly survive in a world where Peeta does not exist. As evidence by my way of living while he has been gone. That is why I wanted to end it all that day I killed Coin. I thought my Peeta was lost and gone forever, he was still there though in that moment he stopped me. He wanted me to live, even through the memory scrambled highjacking he still cared.
Now he's back. How do I continue living? He lays next door his screams have finally stopped. Will he want to see me? After what he was just screaming I am not sure. I need to see him though, whatever his condition may be. As I said before I need him to truly survive and be a whole person.