Summary: A one shot of Emmett and his nicknames for the family. Emmett decides to give everyone nicknames but he never expected the name game to be turned on him.
***Thanks to Cullen818 for being such a great beta, You Totally Rock!
Disclaimer: I own nothing Twilight I just like to have fun with the Characters.
People have the right to be stupid, but some abuse that privilege.-Unknown
Epov
It was a nice Saturday afternoon, for the first time in weeks the sun was out from behind the clouds. We all decided to enjoy the day by spending time together. Esme was in her garden with Renesmee teaching her the techniques of gardening. Rose and Alice were shopping on line for a new designer Celeste, Alice had told us that she based her designs off of the vintage look with an modern twist, whatever that was suppose to mean.
Carlisle was discussing psychology with Jasper, usually I would join the discussion but I would rather spend my time with my lovely wife Bella. We were currently sitting in the living room of the main house, Bella was curled up against my chest reading her copy of Pride and Prejudice while I ran my fingers through her hair.
When I heard Emmett chuckle from upstairs, what was he doing? He had been up there all morning doing who knows what, he was blocking me from his thoughts with a very annoying song This is the song that never ends yes it goes on and on my friend, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they will continue singing it forever just because….
That was enough to keep me out of his mind, once a song like that gets stuck in your head it's hard to get it out.
Just as Emmett emerged from what he liked to call his evil thinking lab also known as his and Rose's room, Jacob walked through the door. He had actually grown on me in the last year I didn't hate him anymore, especially since he had imprinted on my daughter. Now that was something I wasn't too thrilled about, first my beloved Bella and now my daughter. He smiled at me and Bella before flopping down in one of the arm chairs.
" Hey Bella, Edward or should I start calling you mom and dad." He laughed as Bella threw a pillow at him and I let out a low growl. I really hated him calling me dad, I wasn't ready to hear that term from him just yet.
Emmett walked into the room with a huge grin on his face.
"Hey everyone if you could please join me into the living room, I have something I would like to share with you all!" He boomed, I swear he should be an announcer at a sports game, he wouldn't even need a bullhorn.
Everyone walked into the living room, my little princess was covered in dirt, Alice looked at Renesmee and I could hear from her thoughts that she was already planning her next outfit in her head. That's when I caught a glimpse of what Emmett was thinking.
"Oh no here we go again, Please Emmett do you have to do this again?"
Bella looked at me curiously before asking.
"What? What do you mean does he have to do this again?"
"Well love Emmett has a thing for giving nicknames and the last time he did it was 1973. He gave us all nicknames, trust me Bella when I say this is bad."
She looked at Emmett then back at me.
"Edward, it can't be that bad can it? I mean how come you don't have the same nicknames as you did in 1973?"
I looked at her; she really was curious.
"Well, Emmett decided to use our nicknames instead of our real names, even while we were out in public." I cringed because just thinking about the names brought the anxiety over me like a thick blanket. "Let's just say it got bad enough that Esme banned the names."
She nodded her head at me, before asking.
"So what was the one he called you the most?"
Emmett snickered, "Oh, I believe I can answer that Bella, I use to call him Gayward, he really didn't like all the unnecessary attention he was getting with that name. But I really can't call him that now, not since he lost his v card."
I shot Emmett a look before I looked over at Nessie.
"Emmett please watch what you say around Renesmee."
I saw my daughter roll her eyes before she spoke, "Dad I already know what the v stands for, it stands for virgin."
She smiled at me obviously proud that she knew things I wished she didn't. Bella was shocked to hear virgin come out of her daughter's mouth.
"Renesmee Carlie Cullen! Who did you hear use that word?"
"Uncle Em of course, but he told me that I should never give up my v card and if a boy asks me to, that I should come get him and he would handle the problem."
She looked up from under her lashes, " You're not mad at Uncle Em are you?"
Bella shot Emmett a look before giving Nessie an beautiful smile.
"Of course not sweetie," I heard her sigh before turning back to Emmett. "Em, I know everyone else probably doesn't want to hear your nicknames but I have to admit I'm a bit curious to see what you have come up with now."
Alice sighed, "We might as well let him say his list and get it over with, because if we don't he'll just use them anyway, at least this way we know the names and we won't be surprised we he uses them."
Esme looked at Carlisle who nodded once, she sighed.
"Fine, Emmett you may say your list, but you are not allowed to just use these nicknames all the time. You have to use real names as well, and you are not to use them outside of this house, do you understand?"
He looked at her and smiled, "Sure Esme, I promise not to use them outside of the house and I promise not to just use the nicknames."
She smiled at him before waving her hand toward the middle of the room.
"Okay well go ahead dear."
He step into the middle of the living room, smiling he cleared his throat.
"Well first I would like to start with Renesmee and then Esme that way they can continue their gardening before the sunlight is completely gone."
He smiled at Esme and Renesmee.
"Okay for Nessie I have: Ness, Nessly, lil' beauty, baby bear, princess, and Loch Ness."
Everyone had approved of the names, but when Bella heard Loch Ness she growled.
"Emmett you will not be calling my daughter Loch Ness!"
Empov
I had just finished naming off Nessie's nicknames when Bella growled at me.
"Emmett you will not be calling my daughter Loch Ness!"
Wow, who knew Bella could get upset over a little nickname, and it wasn't even for her.
"Fine, Bella I won't call her Loch Ness." I looked at Esme before continuing.
"Esme I only have three for you, Mommie Dearest, Super Mom and Momma Bear."
She smiled at me, "Those were lovely Emmett, I think I can deal with these nicknames you have chosen for me."
I heard Jasper and Jake cough and mutter Momma's Boy under their breath. Whatever, I was so not a Momma's Boy, that job was clearly taken by Eddie-boy.
Edward snarled, "Emmett I'm not a Momma's Boy," he smiled wickedly, "We all know that the empath is the momma's boy in this house."
I nodded my head and we both looked at Jasper he flipped us the bird, "Fuck the both of you, just because I'm in touch with everyone's feelings doesn't make me a Momma's Boy."
We continued our immature banter, until we finally decided that we all could be Momma's Boys at times.
Esme shook her head, as her and Nessie got up and left out the back door once again to finish gardening or as Nessie like to call it, getting dirty.
I looked around at everyone with a wicked smile plastered on my face and rubbing my hands together. Just as I was going to do my evil laugh, Carlisle cleared his throat.
"Emmett son, if you could just continue, I would like to actually be done quickly so that I can go and work on some medical research."
I looked at him and shrugged my shoulders. "Sure thing Pops, how about I say your nicknames next and then you can head up to your study."
He cringed a little at the word Pops, but then nodded, "Thank you."
"Okay for you Carlisle I have: Mr. C, The Doc, Papa Bear, Dr. Fang…."
He interrupted. "Emmett you do know that we don't have fangs right?"
I rolled my eyes at him. "Of course I know we don't have fangs, but it would be cool if we did, I like the myths and I thought it would be cool to call you Dr. Fang."
He shook his head and chuckle.
"So Carlisle may I continue now?"
He nodded his head, "By all means continue please."
"Okay Carlisle I only have a few more, let's see there is: Super dad, Dr. Sparkles, and C&C."
I was looking at him while I said the last three, he smiled at Super dad, scoffed at Dr. Sparkles and raised an eyebrow at C&C. I didn't need Jazz's ability to know that he was curious to know what the last one meant.
"Before you ask Carlisle about what C&C means, it stands for Carlisle&Company."
He chuckled, "Emmett have you been watching those commercials for lawyers again?"
I looked at the ground and mumbled. "Maybe."
He laughed again as he stood and headed for the stairs, I could still hear his chuckles all the way until he reached his study.
Turning back to the rest of my family I smiled.
"Okay now that the 'Rents are gone."
I turned to look at Edward, then Jasper, and finally Jacob. I knew that when I gave them their names I would have to explain the reason behind the name.
"I'll start with you three fuckers and finish with the ladies. And my first victim shall be Eddie."
He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Why am I not surprise, you always pick at me first."
"It's because bro, sometimes you just make yourself an easy target."
He sighed again and slumped back into the couch while throwing an arm over Bella's shoulders.
"Let's just get this over with Em."
"Okay Eddie," he had learned to tolerant being called Eddie, since Chief Swan liked to call him that sometimes.
I cleared my throat. "For you Eddie I have: Edwardo, Mr. Pansy or Mr. Prudeward need I say more of why I pick those two. Party Poopward cause you can be such a party pooper. Virgin Ed…."
"Um…Emmett you do know that I'm not a virgin anymore right?"
I sighed of course I knew that he wasn't a virgin but it was still fun to call him one.
"Dude compared to me and Jazz your pretty much still an virgin, we've been fucking our wives before yours was even thought of."
Jasper and I high-five each other, I looked at Edward and he was pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Emmett, I do have a daughter as proof that I'm not an virgin."
I smiled at him, I really did like to pick at him.
"Yeah Edward I've been meaning to ask you, are you sure you and Bella didn't use artificial insemination?"
Bella hissed, "Of course we didn't use artificial insemination, I was there I felt everything Emmett. I damn well know that I wasn't injected, but I was for damn sure penetrated!"
She looked at me with her arms crossed, she was pissed and when Bella was pissed she became downright diabolical and her usual sidekick was the evil pixie of course.
"I'm sorry Bella that was a bad joke."
I heard Edward clear his throat, "Are you done Emmett?"
I shook my head at him, "Hell no I'm not done!"
Clearing my throat I started my list again, "Sir Emoward you are an emotional bastard. Stalkward…"
Edward growled before interrupting me yet again, "Emmett I am not a stalker!"
I laughed at him. "Sure you are Edward, I mean let's face it you snuck into Bella's bedroom every night when she was human just to watch her sleep. Hell I bet you even like to watch her now, when she's in the shower or hunting, and I'm sure it's all without her acknowledging it at first"
I winked at Bella before turning back to Edward, his eyes were wide with shock, everyone knew that he had some kind of weird fetish of watching Bella. Hell Bella would even pretend that she didn't notice him watching her.
Edward cleared his throat pulling me from my thoughts, that was really starting to get annoying.
"Okay Eddie I get it I will finish, just please keep your comments to yourself until I finish with your list."
He frowned but nodded his head anyway.
"Alright let's see where was I, ah yes. Sulkward cause we all know how moody you can get. Golden Boy you just have to be the perfect son. Fuckward a name that needs no explanation, but it's because you're an ass sometimes. Special Ed when you have your moments of stupidity. Mr. Perfect a name that every woman and teenage girl seems to give you, and finally Edna because let's face it you truly do like to bitch sometimes."
I heard Jacob and Jasper burst into laughter at the last name. They had no idea that I had picked feminine names for them as well, for when they have their bitchy days.
"Emmett what the fuck Edna! You are not calling me Edna and I don't act like an bitch!"
I smirked at him, oh I was so calling him Edna starting right now because his inner bitch was starting to show.
"Sure, Edna I won't call you Edna because you so don't act like a bitch sometimes."
Alice sighed, "Edward you might as well give up because the more you go against that name the more likely he is to use it just to piss you off."
"Fine."
He slumped back while shooting me a death glare, oooh like I really should be scared of Sulkward. I turned to Jasper and smiled.
"You're up next Jazz." I furrowed my brows as if I had to truly think about his list of names.
Okay so there is War God because of your strategies when it comes to fights. Commando Jazz, G.I. Jazz, and Major J are because of your military background. Jazz, Mr. Badass because dude you are ruthless when it comes to fighting. P.I.C (Partner In Crime) because dude we tend to get into all kinds of shenanigans. Dr. Love and Mr. Sensitive because of your empathy, and last but not least Jaslyn for when your sensitive side tends to take over and you end up acting like a bitch.
Jasper was happy with the names at the beginning of the list, well he was pretty much happy all the way up until after I said Mr. Sensitive he frowned at the last two names.
"Emmett may I ask why you gave me a girl name for a nickname? I don't bitch like Edward."
I looked at Jasper and let out a snicker.
"Dude you get all girly and whiny when the feelings start to overwhelm you, so that's why you got a girl's name for a nickname."
I felt an immense amount of sorrow wash over me and I started to sob into my hands. Jasper really hated to be called sensitive or any other name that made him seem less masculine.
"Well, well, well ….whose the bitch now Emmett…hmmm I guess that would be you."
He released me from his power after a minute or so under his emotional influence.
"Dude whatever, I'm not a bitch, I'm 100% man there is no bitch in me, besides you had a unfair advantage!"
He smirked at me before he spoke.
"Emmett are you not bitching now about not being a bitch?"
He quirked is eyebrow up as he waited for my reply. I opened my mouth but closed it again when I realized that it would be pointless to argue with him.
"Dude whatever, Jake dude you're next." I looked at Jake as he gulped.
"Okay let's just get the girly name out of the way first, and before you ask why you have one, well isn't it obvious. You complained about Bella being with Edward before you imprinted on Renesmee."
He grumbled something under his breath that I couldn't quite make out but it sounded like he called me an ass.
"Well Jake here you go…" before I could say anything he interrupted.
"Why do I have nicknames? I'm not part of the family."
I laughed, "You're not part of the family yet, just look at it like this, I only give nicknames to those I like and that I'm close to."
He sat back and looked at me. "Well than I would rather you not like me especially if it excuses me from your nicknames."
"Actually I lied about that Jake, those I don't like have nicknames as well, they're just not as good as these nor are they as nice. Now may I get started?"
He nodded his head, "I guess."
"Good okay there is Jackie I really don't have to give you the reason why again. Wolfy, Wonder Wolf and Pup, all because dude you're basically shape shifting into a giant dog. Cujo's evil twin because let's face it Jake you can be pretty evil sometimes. Jake-O and last name on the list Jakey that one was courtesy of Nessie. It had a nice ring to it, so I put it on the list.
I looked down at my list to see who I should do next, I looked up at my beautiful Rose; what the heck I might as well get her out of the way.
"Well Rosalicious I guess you're next babe." She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders.
"Em, just say them, so that I can go back to the garage."
I looked her over, she was in a tight coverall with Rose stitched in red on the front. She had a smudge of grease on her cheek and her hair was coming loose from her ponytail, but she still looked absolutely gorgeous I for one actually thought the grease made her look sexier.
"Emmett sometime today would be nice."
"Okay Rose for you there is Hot Bitch, and before you get upset think about it Rose you tend to get bitchy but your still incredibly sexy when your yelling. Rosie, Lady Rose because why call a rose by any other name and if you must, at least stick close to the origin. Then there is Beauty, Babe, Roseodite because with looks like yours you should have been a goddess."
She smiled at my words, yeah I was definitely going to initiate Midnight Madness tonight.
"The last two for you are Bonnie because you will always be my Bonnie to my Clyde and Dirty Rose which I will not discuss the reasoning behind that name, we have virgin ears in the room."
I looked at Jake who seemed to have an undertone of red added to his cheeks at the moment. I looked at Rose once more, her eyes heavily lidded and filled with lust. She looked so fuckable at the moment that I couldn't help the images that filled my head of me fucking my beautiful wife in different positions. Especially my favorite the contortionist press, I couldn't wait for tonight when I could have her beautiful legs wrapped behind…
"Emmett! For crying out loud could you please keep your thoughts to yourself, I mean it's bad enough that when me and Bella stay in the main house sometimes we can hear you all night. I don't want to have to relive your sexcapades through your mind."
Edward was looking at me with an irritated expression.
"Jeez Eddie, I can't help it if my sex life is so great, your just jealous because your sex life is not as adventurous as mine. But hey if you like I can give you a few pointers you know, to help spice up your sex life as well."
"Emmett I don't need your help with my sex life."
I looked at him than to Bella, out of all of us well besides Jake and Nessie of course, they were the most innocent. Hmmm I betcha he hasn't even gotten a blow job from Bella yet. I looked over to Edward to see him smirking. Oh my Rose he has gotten one, the fucking prude wasn't all that much of a prude after all.
I cleared my throat hmmm let's see who is next, ah Bella. I turned smiling at my newest sister.
"Okay Bella it's your turn." She frowned before nodding her head.
"Lets see there is Bell, Bellsy, Southern Bell, and yes Bella I know that you were not born a southern girl but I'm a good ol' southern boy, and to me you have a little southern quality to you. Belly, Strawbelly because you smell like freesias and strawberries. Tinkerbella even though Alice is the smallest of you two, your quite small yourself. BellaNator because hell Bella you are just like the Terminator you kick ass. And last is one that you co-share with Alice so would you like to be Thelma or Louise it really shouldn't matter, you girls are the perfect crime partners when you two get together."
She smiled at me but I could see that she was up to something by the way her eyes danced with excitement.
"Okay, Alice I saved you for last because I know how much you love to wait." Everyone in the house knew how impatient of a person Alice was, even Jake knew and he didn't live here.
"Well Alice are you ready?"
She let out an frustrated sigh. "Will you just say them already."
I nodded my head at her. "Yes ma'am, for you my tiny sister I have Short Stuff no need for explanation. Dark Tinks, Pixie of Darkness, Tinkerhell all because you really are Tinkerbell's evil twin. Evil Smurfette I swear Alice if you were to don a long blonde wig and paint your skin blue you would look just like smurfette from the smurfs except you would be evil. Lil' psycho be…."
She growled at me. "Em that is so not funny, you know that the only thing I could find out about my human life was that I was in a asylum."
Oh yeah, it must have completely slipped my mind, I saw Edward shake his head out of my peripheral.
"I'm sorry Alice it slipped my mind, I wasn't making fun of the fact that you were in a asylum. I just thought it was the perfect name for you because of your shopping addiction and that you get a little psychotic when it comes to new clothes and shoes. I'm sorry if I offended you."
She gave me a weak smile. "No Em I should have let you explain before I got upset."
I nodded, "Okay Alice I only have two more and they are not bad at all. Ali just a shorten version of Alice and Tiny Dancer because your steps are like that of a dancer. Well that's all I have for nicknames."
I turned to head toward the stairs when Bella stopped me.
"Wait Emmett." I turned to look at her.
"Yessss."
"How come we all have nicknames and you don't?"
I smiled at her. "Okay Bella, you may call me King Emmett."
She laughed at me before saying.
"I don't think so Sir Dufus, I believe since you got to pick our names it would be only fair that we get to pick your names. Wouldn't you agree?"
I shrugged my shoulders and crossed my arms.
"Fine, so who's first."
Edward smiled, "I am let's see…oooh I got the perfect one, Emmtard because you really are retarded sometimes."
Alice smiled, "So you want to be part of the royal court well fine, you can be the Court Assester because you may be funny and good for a laugh but your also a complete ass."
Edward's nickname was okay but Alice's was funny. I heard Carlisle open his study and called down.
"Alice I must agree with you Emmett is royal a Royal Ass that is."
Rose looked at me and smiled.
"Baby you can be my Love Monkey or Clyde anytime, I don't need to tell you the reasons behind the names because you already know."
Bella smirked at me, "I could have called you so many names like Ass-ett, Jerkalot of Forks, but I decided that I liked Emmy Bear the most because you kind of remind me of a giant teddy bear."
Jake cleared his throat and gave me a sly smile.
"Well Emmett I guess since you gave all us guys girls names I see that it's only fair that you have one as well."
Clearly reading Jake's mind I heard Edward chuckle.
"So for you I think we should call you Emma because you have the temper tantrums of a four year old girl."
By the time Jake had said the name and the reason behind it, the room was in a uproar of laughter. I never thought that they would turn the name game on me. Alice suddenly went still, her eyes getting that far away look she always seems to get when she is having a vision. Coming back to reality she looked at me and smirked.
"Well I guess we don't have to worry about Court Assester doing this again. He really didn't like that his game of names was turned against him."
I walked up the stairs to my room thinking that maybe I should have thought about this before I decided to give out the nicknames.
I hoped everyone liked my little one shot please review.
¨Lunar¨