-I'm new to this so be nice! I would love reviews more than anything in the world!! Seriously yeah you would make my life..not to sound desperate haha.
"Just do it. Do it." My thoughts raced. "You never fallow through on anything, start now." The voice in my head was right. I never follow through on anything. I'm in my 20's and have shit to show for it. I've always been too scared to immerse myself into anything. So now I'm here. Sitting in my room, in my parent's home. Razor ready, ready for me to finally commit to something. I've been telling myself forever to just do it. Just kill myself now! I never followed through on dieting. I've never followed through on relationships(what few I've had). I've never followed through with music, goddamn it I never even bought the guitar! My mind was racing and heart pulsing. I could end the misery, I could end the pain on lonliness. It was simple, I just had to do it. In the back of my mind I could hear the door being pound on. "Jesse! Jesse! Are you alright?! JESSE ANSWER ME!" My mom begged on the other side of the locked door. "DO IT!" The voice commanded. I felt paralyzed. I couldn't move, I couldn't even process what was happening.
It's been 4 years since music saved my life. My mom saved me temperarly, but music cured me. I picked up guitar then bass. My parents were kind enough to loan me the money. I think they just wanted me to try something for once. I learned to show my emotions through my songwriting. Eventually I found some other girls who wanted to get a band started, they were nice people, but I still didn't feel quite like I fit in with them. However they were talented and were fans of my songwriting. We've been jamming our hearts out since. For some reason they actually let me sing and play bass. My bass abilities are good, however singing?! They said they like my passion, and the energy I have. I will say it right now, my voice sucks. But I put my heart in to music. The one thing I've commited to, and nothing else. Everything I feel can be put my performance. On stage, people want to listen to me, people want to see me. In any other circumstance no one wants to see a fat chick. But when I play, I'm actually important. I grab peoples attention.
I was playing a shitty bar when I found my only other commitment in my life. Someone I could love more than music. Which I never thought was possible. The bar had few lights, the stage was busted, and the equipment set up was shit. I felt the boards creak. I didn't move around too much. I honestly thought I might fall through the floor. The MC announced us. My heart starts to race and I start to perspire. I transformed into rock star mode. I become confident. I sang and played my heart out for those drunks…who will never rember that performance. My band always makes fun of me. We play for 5 people and I act like I'm playing for a stadium. After the set was done I felt like I released all my anger that was hidden inside. It was a lighter feeling, like when you were a kid and wore 50 layers of clothes to go to school in the winter. Then when you took them off you felt free. I live for these gigs. These gigs that let me share my music. And these gigs that only pay 20 bucks a night. This is why I still live with my parents, because of my commitment to music.
"I'll just take a beer." I said to the bartender in the distance. My head hung low and was focused a sheet of paper in front of me. The paper had been folded a million times from and words were scratched out all over. I focused on the few lines I had written. I was currently having writers block. The bar tender placed the drink in front of me. I looked up to thank him. The man's eyes were locked into mine. Well I mean were else would he look, my chest? I don't really have anything going for me there either. His hair was scruffy and he was sweaty. He probably been working all night. He had a simple black shirt jacket with jeans. He was very attractive but he seemed so unattainable. He was too… I can't think of the right words, cool? He had that vibe. Too hot? For me I suppose.
"I loved your performance." He stated still looking in my eyes. His voice was so rough and deep, yet smooth and comforting; a nice balance. I smiled shyly feeling very nervous. I've never really had any compliments from my music or anything really. People cheered for our band but usually after a gig I go straight home. I squirmed in my bar stool a little bit. "Thanks." After what seemed like hours of awkward silence I started to gather my things. Perhaps I am a little anti-social. "Are you playing again soon?" He questioned. "uh," I got off the stool and went to grab my purse. "Shit." I'm such a klutz. I spilled the contents of my purse all over the floor. " I mean I don't know.." I mumbled. The man hurried from the bar over to help me. I could hear every step he took. His necklaces and chains clanked down in a steady rhythm when he walked. This caused me high anxiety. I didn't need this man looking through all my stuff. He picked up papers that had my schedual written for gigs coming up. He glanced over the papers. "Oh so you are playing here soon?" He said with a side grin. He seemed genuinely pleased. "Umm er..yeah.. I think." My mind was rattled and I was just trying to get the hell out of there. The man chuckled slightly. He probably thought I was just some loser who had no social skills, well I mean, I guess he's right. A man gives me a compliment and I'm trying to run away. He handed me the papers. I shoved them in my purse. It was a large purse, black and pink that had "rock star" in bold. One of my band mates gave it to me as a birthday present. "I hope to see you soon then." He held out his hand. "My name is David."