lol I haven't written for anime fandoms in a long time.
this is set in eternal summer ep 9, so there's that.
please let me know how you felt about it ^^;;
Haruka can't sleep.
Nervousness is not something he tends to feel, especially when it comes to swimming, his domain, water is his bitch, goddammit – but tonight he tosses and turns like nothing else, and when his eyes finally fly open and his chest heaves with the need for oxygen, he's lost.
He's never been one to perform well under pressure – that had always been Rin; Haruka tended to ignore any pressure and did his own thing, which tended to go better for him in the long run anyways.
But it's his final year of high school (not that he needs any reminders) and the pressure is mounting for him to decide to do something with his life, something that doesn't involve soaking in baths and eating unholy amounts of mackerel and hanging around Makoto's house for the rest of his days.
Haruka, by nature, is not much of a competitive person. He doesn't get fired up from the adrenaline rush before a race, he's indifferent to winning, and he doesn't give a damn if he loses. Times don't matter to him – only the sensation of the water flowing around his body does.
Everyone else, of course, doesn't really care what he wants. Desires notwithstanding, he's good at what he does and could easily end up going pro, maybe even Olympic-caliber. He's got 'dashing good looks and muscles beneath his cold exterior,' or something like that (he doesn't know what the girls in his class talk about during breaks), and could easily end up with any girl he so chooses. He could easily live the life that so many others could only dream about, a life that so many others are so close to reaching, but someone else stands in their way.
He sits up, raking a hand through his bangs, and thinks of Rin.
Rin, who first truly brought Haruka into the world of competitive swimming.
Rin, who pushes Haruka to become better.
Rin, who taught Haruka what it meant to swim as part of a team, what it meant to be a part of something bigger than yourself, what it meant to touch the wall ahead of the others and find yourself surrounded by the people who you can trust most, who brought you to that top step on the podium.
Rin, who wants to become a world-renowned swimmer.
Rin, whose path is currently blocked by Haruka, who doesn't even want to be on it in the first place.
Haruka glances at Makoto, blissfully asleep in his own bed.
Sometimes, Haruka envies Makoto.
No one expects Makoto to become a professional swimmer, or to carry on some kind of new legacy, even though he's skilled in his own right. Makoto gets to live his own life, his way. He can go to university in Tokyo, he can start his own family, he can life his life happy.
Makoto's free.
And Haruka's trapped.
x
The metal of the bleachers is cold through Haruka's track pants as he sits in the stands, head down, the excited noise of the crowd washing over him.
Soon, that noise would be directed towards him, and instead of firing him up, the thought makes his blood run cold.
"Haru, is there something wrong?"
The one time Makoto doesn't call him '-chan' is the one time Haruka actually wants to hear it.
Haruka turns his head away quickly, "it's nothing" slipping from his lips when they both know it's really not.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
Haruka can feel Makoto's eyes on him, knows his eyes are doing that soft caring thing and he can't bring himself to look, doesn't want to inflict any more pain on himself than he already is.
Makoto's momentarily distracted by the arrival of a couple of their classmates, and Haruka returns his gaze resolutely to the floor.
"—Coach Sasabe couldn't come, he was really busy with the swim club—"
A small weight is lifted off of Haruka's shoulders, at least, because that's one less person he'd have to impress. Even though it's Coach Sasabe, who'd been with him since the beginning, he doesn't want to know that even he's expecting Haruka to do something he can't.
Meanwhile, everyone around him is chattering about scouts, scouts, if you catch their eyes you can get into bigger and better things—
"Are you really alright?"
Makoto's voice cuts through his mental tirade again, and his voice's taken on the same tone that he uses when speaking to scared kittens.
Haruka looks away again, because he knows that if he looks straight into those green eyes, he won't be able to lie.
(But is he lying to himself or Makoto?)
(Maybe it's both.)
"It's nothing."
Makoto's face is unreadable, but it's almost time for the races to begin and Makoto leads them all in a huddle like the good captain he is.
"Let's go do our best and stay focused," Makoto says, their hands all placed atop each other.
Haruka still can't look him in the eyes.
x
Makoto loses in his heat, placing fourth.
No one is exactly surprised, but no one is particularly disappointed, either. He's not the one everyone had their eyes on.
Haruka watches him as he catches his breath, shoulders slumped in defeat.
Makoto's never been like this before, and it unnerves him.
But there's no time to dwell on this – he needs to prepare for his own race.
"Have you made up your mind yet, Haru?"
"No."
"Haru," Rin says, his tone chastising, "after prefecturals, a bunch of scouts started contacting me. They must have called you too, right?"
Haruka says nothing – Rin already knows the answer to his question.
"Never mind. We'll talk after the race."
Haruka watches as Rin lines up and readies himself on his starting block, launching himself into his dive as the pistol fires. He's in a class above the rest, and it's obvious – no one's even close to touching his lead, not even after the turn.
To no one's surprise, he wins his heat, and Haruka can make out the scouts nodding approvingly at this. The entire crowd of Samezuka swimmers (all fifty of them, or something – they take up an entire section of the bleachers. Haruka tries not to think about how Iwatobi doesn't even take up a whole row) shout his name, and Rin basks in the spotlight. It fuels him, makes him stronger.
But that's not how Haruka runs.
All too soon, he's next, and all eyes are on him now as he takes his position on the starting block.
But it doesn't feel right.
The silence that takes over the entire venue, the knowledge that there are people, too many people, looking at him and anticipating his performance – it's not what he wants.
His vision swirls, and he's back in his nightmares.
He's alone, all alone, and it's all so bleak.
There's no one with him if he goes to the top.
Not even Rin.
The pistol goes off, and he launches himself into the water, but it doesn't feel right.
The water surrounds him, but doesn't envelope him in a careful hold, doesn't move around him like a second skin, doesn't part easily at his every motion until it feels like nothing more than cool air around his body – it pulls at him, tangles around him, and every stroke becomes a desperate struggle to move forward. His movements become jerky, more labored, and every breath is like a stab through his lungs.
It's cold, so cold, and all Haruka wants to do is close his eyes and let the water take him as it may.
So he does.
His feet touch the tiled bottom of the pool before he's even aware that his body's stilled, and the entire venue is silent, save for the soft splashes of water that the other swimmers make as they head towards the finish.
All eyes are on him anyways, but instead of wonder and approval, it's of shock and disappointment.
Haruka's frozen, water dripping from his hair down his face, and maybe he's crying and maybe he's not but he knows he's fucked up and now it's done.
It's done and there's nothing he can do but stare up at the ceiling and wonder why, why did it have to be this way?
Why did it have to come to this?
x
Rin confronts him in the locker room afterwards.
He's seething, and Haruka knows full well why, but Rin just doesn't understand.
"What the hell were you doing out there?" he hisses, gripping Haruka's arm and he's too close for comfort but Haruka can't push him away. His back presses against the lockers, the ridges sharp through his jacket, but it barely registers to him.
"It's got nothing to do with you," he replies.
(But it does, it has everything to do with him – swimming and Rin are intertwined inexplicably in ways that Haruka can't explain, in ways he can't even understand, really.)
"Like hell it doesn't," Rin retorts, "you know this was important, there were scouts watching!"
And that's the clincher.
"What do I care about that? Because scouts were watching? So I could set records in front of a crowd? None of that is what I swim for."
Rin gasps, steps back, and it's a miracle that Haruka's managed to keep his voice even for so long.
"Then what do you swim for?" Rin asks, accusing, and if Rin had truly understood Haruka then he wouldn't even have needed to ask.
"I swim for myself and for my friends!"
The words tumble out of his mouth, and Rin pauses for an almost imperceptible second, but recollects himself.
"Then swim for those friends, and for your own sake! Don't you realize that what you do out there affects your own future? Don't you have a dream? I know you can—"
And Haruka's had enough, slamming his fist into the locker behind him. The rage he keeps so heavily tamped down, the frustration, the fear, it's finally spilling out and he doesn't want to know where it'll take him.
"You're the one who doesn't understand! What dreams? What future? It's you who cares about all that! I'm not you! I don't have any of that!"
He turns and leaves, spent leaving a shell-shocked Rin in his wake, truths finally laid flat out.
Rin just doesn't get it, doesn't get it, just like everyone else.
Everyone's always assumed that's what he wanted, assumed that as long as he could just swim free he'd be fine. He'd be the pride of Japan, and everyone would know his name, and as long as he could just swim free he'd be fine, maybe happy, even.
But it's not what he wants, it's never what he wanted and everything feels like it's crashing down on him.
He catches Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei at the door to the locker room – evidently, they've heard everything.
They're all concerned for him, it's obvious, and he looks down, unable to properly face them. His words were meant for Rin, and Rin alone, because the rest of them didn't need to get it.
Not like Rin did.
"I'll still swim the relay with you guys," Haruka tells them, facing each of them in turn and answering one of their probably many unspoken questions. "It's okay."
He swims for himself and his friends. It makes perfect sense to him. He swims free because he wants to, and he swims the relay because he wants to. He swims because it makes him free.
But, if Rin is his friend, then is he not swimming for Rin anymore?
Is he not swimming to keep up with his one true rival?
Isn't he swimming to make sure that Rin will continue to ignite the fire in him in the water?
Isn't he swimming because it's Rin, it's Rin, and Rin's the one who always wanted him to be the best he could be?
But isn't Rin holding him back and pushing him where he doesn't want to go?
Does swimming with Rin not make him free?
Does that mean, then, that Rin is no longer his friend?
follow me? tumblr: furiishikaoyoganai | ao3: greyskieslatenights (whales and dolphins)