There are some who won't disclaim and there are some who will. There are some who own Gundam Wing and its characters and there are some who don't. Guess which I am.
A.N. So, yeah, this follows Something Good and is part of a different universe than the whole Asphyxiation series. Or maybe it isn't. The spit thing actually happened to my mom the day after she conceived. And of course, Hilde's excited too. I mean, she will be . . . eventually. Less sappy than the first one? Perhaps. And I love the Joan Rivers quote, probably because I can see myself in the future doing that to my kids.
*********************
Something Better
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you.
For years I used to wake up my daughter and say,
"Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep."
-- Joan River
+++
Duo turned towards the warm body in his bed and huddled close. Smooth skin brought him to wakefulness and an inadvertent caress from his bedmate brought him to arousal. He sighed and brought the object of his desire closer to him. She turned, perhaps in habit, and lifted her face for his kiss.
"Uck, Duo, what have you been eating?"
Well, so much for an early morning quickie. Duo Maxwell sat up and self-consciously checked his breath. Morning breath was to be expected and she never complained much before . . .
"I mean, it's like you have gooey gel in your mouth or something. Like whatever you ate just sat there and congealed." Hilde turned to get out of her side of the bed, making hacking noises to go along with her oh-so-wonderful descriptive words.
Definitely no morning nookie. In half an hour, the two-year-old would let out a ruckus. Only if his baby brother didn't beat him to it with some baby need or whatever. Then Duo would have to get up, while Hilde saw to the baby, and fix breakfast for the four-year-old. Thank goodness the eldest had been sent to Academy. Duo wasn't certain who were more excited – the boy or his parents. One down, three to go. God, when did they turn into a stinkin' baby factory?
Duo dragged himself out of bed and moved to put on a shirt. He could hear Hilde hacking while she brushed her teeth, and marveled at her talent. "You okay in there?"
"I think so. Is the baby awake? Bring up a bottle for him, please." The sudden wail that kicked up from down the hall barely fazed them. "And see what he wants. I can't wait 'til he's pass the terrible two's."
Duo walked in, intending to brush his teeth, but Hilde stopped him with a hand and a pained look. "What?"
"Are you coming to brush your teeth?"
"Yeah." Okay, so he had morning breath!
"Can you do it in the hall bathroom?" She thrust his toothbrush at him. "I just, I can't stand the smell of your spit right now. It's making me nauseous."
Ouch. Duo took the brush with numb fingers. "Okay."
He didn't see Hilde again until breakfast was on the table. She walked in with the baby on her hip and a cloth in her hand. Duo was surprised to see her wipe her own mouth, rather than the baby's, with it. She secured the child in the high seat and glanced at Duo. "What?"
"Isn't that for him?"
"I know!" she wailed. "You know how your spit was just really bugging me this morning – by the way, have you brushed your teeth? Are you sure you did? Well, I can't seem to stand my own spit."
Duo stared at her. "Come again?"
"I can't stand it! It stinks, it's heavy, I don't even want to swallow it!"
Duo could see future complications with this new development. "What are you talking about Hilde? I saw you in the bathroom, if there's anything remotely gingivital still living in your mouth it deserves an award. What time have you been getting to bed this week?"
"God, earlier than the baby. By five, I'm drained. All day, I feel sluggish." She paused in the middle of wiping her mouth again. "I think I'm coming down with something."
"Damn, not now. I'm pulling an extended shift next week, babe." He could just see three boys, all under the age of six, with terrible, sneezing, coughing, snot-dripping colds. He sighed. He'd have to rework his schedule with the Sweepers and see what he could do. He offered a pan towards Hilde. "Eggs?"
She looked positively green. "No. That reminds me of your spit."
Enough with his spit already! "It's scrambled!"
Hilde backed up from the table, spitting into the cloth again. "Just, just, feed the kids, okay? I'm going to schedule an appointment. Or something."
He'd never seen her move so fast. Again, he checked his breath. Smelled like spearmint to him.
And around him the cacophony of breakfast with the Maxwell boys rose.
+++
"You know, you guys should really consider hiring a babysitter," Squid suggested. The coworker was waiting on the couch with Duo. Hilde went to her doctor's appointment earlier and Duo couldn't take being home with the toddlers by himself. "You know, like a live-in one. What do they call them? A pair?"
"Au," Duo corrected absentmindedly.
"Come on, like you guys never thought about it." Squid took the word to be a sound. "So when will Hilde be back and why couldn't she take the littlest one again?"
Duo was rocking the baby in his arms. The moment he put him down, a shrill cry would rent the air. Duo sighed. "She should be back soon, if all went well."
"Right." Squid crouched down to play with the other two boys at the coffee table. An assortment of blocks and action figures were strewn about. Duo sat up. Squid made no indication, but Duo was certain he heard a car door.
"Hilde's home."
"What?"
The front door swung open in a violent arc, crashing against the wall behind. Then Hilde appeared, a silhouette against the bright light, seething. Seething? This was not good.
Duo stood up, uncertain. "Baby?"
She gave a sharp bark of a laugh, but didn't speak, just pointed an accusing finger at him. Then she ruined the effect by wiping her mouth with a cloth. She'd been spitting in cloths for a few days now. Duo cleared his throat. Beside him, Squid paled. He'd never seen Hilde in one of her rages.
Just as suddenly, her demeanor changed. She dropped her hand and schooled her features into sereneness. Duo wasn't fooled. He watched her come inside and close the door gently. When she approached him, he began rocking the baby again, alerting her to the fact that he held the child. Can't hurt daddy, Hilde. She smiled, feral, undaunted. She slid off her jacket, thanked Squid when he took it for her. And then she began to pace.
Behind her, Squid hung her jacket. He stood, feeling out of place. "Should I leave?"
Duo shook his head frantically, but Hilde ignored him. Hopefully, there'll be less bloodshed if there's a witness. Duo swallowed. "Um, babe . . . what happened at the doctor's?"
"The most unbelievable thing, Maxwell." She didn't sound that way. She sounded as if it was the most amusing thing. So Duo smiled a bit, perplexed. "Because I remember the last time something like this happened. I made a promise to you. Why can't I keep my damn promises?"
He took that to be a rhetorical question. "Last time?" So maybe she was sick. She really needed to give him more information, he wasn't a stinkin' mind reader. He hesitated, then forged ahead in true foolish fashion, "Is it some kind of woman problem?"
She gave that laugh again. "No, it is most definitely a man problem." She stopped pacing to stand right in front of him. "Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. But let me tell you, for my own satisfaction, we are going to need some thread."
"Thread," Duo repeated, not following her train of thought.
"Yes, thread and some sewing needles."
"Thread and needles." Duo looked over to Squid, who could only shrug and shake his head.
"And then we're going to sew every last fly on your boxers, briefs, boxer-briefs, shorts, and pants! We're just going to sew 'em up! And you won't be allowed to ever take them off once you wear them!" she announced. She moved to choke him, then remembered the baby, and gave him a look that clearly told him the baby saved his ass. She ran her fingers through her hair in a show of calming down. "I'm pregnant, Duo."
Pregnant.
Oh.
He opened his mouth to speak, then thought better of his response. He sighed. She was acting as though she'd contracted some kind of terminal disease from him. "It's not that bad, is it?"
Her screech of outrage set the baby off and sent the other two toddlers running for their room. Yeah, boys, Mommy was a scary woman. Perhaps that wasn't the best thing to say.
"Not that bad? Is that your fail-safe response for everything?" Hilde was gesturing wildly. "We have four – Four! – children! Three of them under the age of six, and all of them bratty little boys!"
He didn't think they were that bad, just . . . spirited.
"It took me months of Ms. Freaking Bubble Tits' Happy Aerobics to get back into my favorite pants and it took you seconds to pump me back up!"
Squid made a sound of amusement and Duo immediately glared at him. "She means hours, man."
Hilde ignored them both, self-righteous in her complete anger. "Now I'm a week and a half pregnant – and boy, you gotta love medical science when they can pinpoint it like that – I haven't had a single moment's rest for myself in years, and in roughly eight months, because your stupid little children don't know the meaning of coming on time, I'll be pushing out another of your watermelon-head offspring!"
"You know," Squid interjected quietly from behind. "If you really didn't want anymore children, you could've always had your tubes tied. Or Duo could've gotten a vasectomy."
Duo shook his head, trying to warn his friend, but Hilde continued her tirade. "I feel like shit all the time and I've been told it's likely to get worse before it gets better. And if you mention one word about basketball teams or filling up a minivan perfectly, I am –"
"Or if you guys prefer less invasive measures, there's chemical contraceptives – you know, shots and stuff – or prophylactics . . ."
Hilde stopped in her flow of shouting and a muscle ticked at the corner of her eye. Duo bit his lip and offered up some advice of his own to Squid, "You're going to want to leave now."
"Why the hell is he here?" she asked, with a jerk of her thumb. "God, I leave you home for one freaking day and you can't make it without calling over your greasy, slacker friends? What, were the kids too much for you? Welcome to my life, baby!" She looked down at her tummy and addressed the new being growing within. "And you! You better follow your brothers and get out of there fast! I'm talking breaking records, I want you out in seven! I'm not taking care of you in there any longer than I have to, y'understand!"
Duo reached out a supportive hand. "Babe, it's not that –"
"Don't touch me!" She looked absolutely feral. She snatched the baby from him and the maternal contact appeased him slightly. "Get out the room!"
For a minute there, he wasn't certain if she was referring to her womb or the living room.
"Get out, just, God, I can't stand to have you guys around!" She effectively shoved both Duo and Squid out the front door, depositing them on the front porch. "Your spit reeks!"
"But, Hilde," Duo cried, "when can I come back?"
"I don't know, second trimester? How about this, I'll let you back in, in seven months!"
The door slammed. Duo and Squid exchanged scared and confused looks. Duo looked down at his shoes, unsure what to do. Squid cleared his throat. "Uh, does she understand the risks of having a premature baby, or inducing labor before reaching term?"
"Squid, it's not the time, man."
"Right."
Both men tried to look at anything but the closed door in front of them.
"So, uh, congratulations."
"Yeah, thanks. Hilde's excited too. Really, she is."
"Is this how the other pregnancies went?"
"Not exactly. I, uh, think it's a girl this time."