Benefiting from the Fight
Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto's Naruto and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece
Summary: How the village deals with Kakashi and Iruka when they fight…again.
Author's Note: Written for Kiterie. Possible out-of characterness and gratuitous character abuse. Lots of character abuse.
Constructive Criticism is always welcomed
Published: 20 December 2008
Rating: K+
"I won't go in there, if I were you."
Asuma paused, and debated a moment whether he should ask. The curiosity got to him; he had to know. "Why not?"
"Because Kakashi's in there and he and Iruka are at it, again. By the way, you owe us a ten." Kotetsu stuck out his hand and wiggled his fingers.
"Damn," Asuma sighed and reached for his wallet. He dropped a wrinkled bill into the chunin's hand. "Who won the last pool?"
"Inuzuka Hana tied with Shiranui Genma." Izumo said, glancing at his book quickly while his partner gleefully stuffed the money into a bulging envelope. "She said twenty-nine days, seven hours, and he said twenty-nine days, eight hours; as near as anyone can tell, they started right between those two guesses."
"Anko didn't get it?" Asuma felt the shock settle in; Anko almost always called the fights to the minute.
"She fell short by a day," Izumo reported after consulting his book. "She was a little pissed, but you know how those two are."
"We're starting the pool up again for when the two will decide that they can't live without each other's dysfunctions any more and start the incessant make-up sex cycle. Wanna take a gander?" Kotetsu grinned.
"I'm going to go broke if I keep this up!"
"Yeah, but think of all good causes that are benefiting from this! You're contributing to Konoha by joining in! 'Zumo's made a chart up! Show him!"
"No, that's okay," Asuma said hastily. He changed the subject before he got stuck in an all-out presentation of the benefits for the village of betting on Kakashi and Iruka's love life. "Put me down for another ten and…um…seven days, three hours."
Izumo started scribbling. "Hm, you're the second most optimistic of the bunch right now. Well, that could work in your favour…" He muttered. He glanced up through his hair. "Still want the winnings to go to Families of the Guardian Funds?"
"Yeah." Asuma lit a new cigarette and debated what would be worse—going into the mission room when Kakashi and Iruka were fighting or turning in his report late. The former won and he sat down to wait—for Iruka's shift to end or for Kakashi to get punched into another wall, whichever came first.
"Sure you don't want to put in a little bit more?" Kotetsu coaxed. "It's for the improvement of our village!"
"No, I'm good." Asuma tapped the ash out the window. "Who else have you guys gotten so far?"
"Um, the Hokage, of course…Mitarashi Anko…Inusuka Tsume, Hana, and Kiba…Shiranui Genma…Namiashi Raidou…Hyuuga Hinata…Tatami Iwashi…Uzuki Yugao…Maito Gai…Rock Lee…Morino Ibiki…oh, and Yamanaka Ino. We're still waiting to see if Yuuhi Kurenai, Tomichi Suzume, and that Yamato guy want to place any bets."
"Hinata-san still only betting on when they get back together?"
"Yeah, but she's sort of off the book. Da's not allowed to know what she's up to. Personally, I think her sister puts her up to it because we don't let pre-chunins place bets." Kotetsu leaned back and causally tossed his arm on the back of the chair that Izumo was sitting on. "Do you think we should start taking bets on things like how much damage they do to the Mission Room and how many people they mentally scar?"
"No, I think what you've got going is good enough."
Izumo made a precise mark on another sheet of paper. "It's tight on that one—we might have to go to a tie-breaker on that thought."
"How's this for one—what would Iruka say if he saw the book with bets for that as well as his love life?"
Izumo's face twitched and Kotetsu went white. "He's got a point, you know."
"Definitely." Izumo ripped the sheet out and burned it.
Neji strolled in, pale eyes high and fixed on the Mission Room doors. Kotetsu waited until the boy was ready to open the door before speaking. "I don't think that's a good idea."
Neji glared at him, but then the faint noise of furniture breaking filtered through the solid door. The boy turned positively white. "They're not—please tell me that they're not doing…THAT in there again!"
"Nope," Kotetsu informed him cheerfully. "They're fighting now."
Neji winced and after a moment, sat down on the other side of Asuma's bench.
Izumo and Kotetsu exchanged glances.
"So…" Izumo cleared his throat.
"Would you care to take a gander at how long those two are going to be at it?" Kotetsu asked. "You'll be supporting Konoha."
xXxXxXxXxXx
Grumbling, Raidou yanked open his door. "WHAT?" He snapped.
"HERE!" Anko shoved a snivelling Iruka at him before sprinting the hell out of there.
"Hey! HEY! GET BACK HERE! Don't leave me with him! ANKO!" He yelled after her. "Bitch," he muttered under his breath when she vanished. He took a deep breath and turned to face the sniffling chunin. "Okay Iruka-sensei, it's starting to get late and I have a mission early tomorrow, so if you'd just—"
"What if the jerk won't take me back?" Iruka wailed, clearly not distinguishing between Raidou and Anko. "He'sh shuch a—a—a MORON but—but—but he'sh MY moron!"
"Oh gods, please spare me." Raidou prayed and looked up to the heavens. "Please make it go away and this just be a bad dream."
"He can't cook an' he keep shayin' dumb shhit, but I MISSH him!"
The gods hated him; it was official.
Iruka latched on to him and sobbed more drunken tears on his shoulder. "An'—an' I called him a one-eyed freaky dicklessh monshter! An' that shuch a lie! He's got the greatesht—"
"NO! I don't want to know about Kakashi's dick!" Raidou yelped in horror. He didn't want to know! There were certain things he didn't ever want to know about, and what Iruka thought about Kakashi's penis was one of them.
"—An' I missh it when he fucksh me through—"
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" He didn't care if the two were known to screw everywhere in the village; he'd been lucky enough that he'd never caught them in the act and thus could happily feign ignorance about the most of it; he did NOT want to hear about it from Iruka! He was blissful in his ignorance!
"He won't want meeee back!" Iruka yowled pathetically and blubbered louder. "He'sh the only man I've ever loved!"
Okay, that did it. Raidou had a mission in the morning. An important one. He was NOT going to stay up the rest of the night trying to convince an inebriated Iruka that Kakashi probably A). did not hate him, B). would take him back, C). regretted saying whatever mean things he had said during the fight, and D). missed him just as much as Iruka missed him.
"Come!" He grabbed the still bawling chunin when Iruka didn't follow the instruction immediately. "Kotetsu-san will know what to do."
If nothing else, HE wouldn't have to deal with Iruka any more.
xXxXxXxXxXx
"Kakashi-san, do you know what time it is?" Asuma rubbed his eyes wearily. He was going to kill Gai. After he killed his cowardly and evil girlfriend.
"Who cares?! Iruka's never going to talk to me again! And then he'll find someone else and I'll be left all by myself while he's all happy and well-sexed with someone else!" Kakashi poked the chipped sake cup forlornly. "I'll never get try anything from Icha Icha with him again!"
"Over-share, Kakashi-san. OVER-SHARE."
The Copy-ninja ignored him. "He'll never take me back! And then who's going to make sure that I don't die after missions?! Who am I going to have 'welcome home' sex with?! Who's going to help me torture Gai?!"
"Kakashi-san, it's late. I want to go back to sleep."
"I love him and I called him a stupid weak little bureaucrat and that's such a lie! What he can do with that pen—"
"Oh gods, make it stop…"Asuma moaned and contemplated braining himself on anything hard so consciousness would leave him.
"He puts Jiraiya-sama to shame some days! And it's even better when he follows up his words with actions—"
Asuma let his head hit his table a few times. It didn't help.
Honestly, how did this man earn the title of genius?! Wasn't he used to the cycle of fights and forgiveness by this point?!
Kakashi snuffled a little bit. "He's an anal bastard, but he's MY anal bastard! What will I do when he won't take me back?!"
"No amount of money to any charity is worth this!"
"I can't live without him! All the semen will back up in to my brain and then—"
That did it. Asuma was NOT going to listen to this any more.
With little ceremony, he grabbed Kakashi's chair, and dumped the now-sniffling man out of his window. Slamming it shut, he activated his nastiest and evilest traps, just in case the Copy Ninja was stupid enough to try and bother him again.
He'd kill Kurenai and Gai in the morning. Once Kakashi was gone and he had gotten at least some sleep.
xXxXxXxXxXx
The great Copy Ninja Hatake Kakashi—the feared Sharingan Kakashi, the man who filled Bingo books across the world and was the nightmare and bane of many ninjas—looked a little bit like a drown rat: Wet, pathetic, and thoroughly miserable.
It quite melted Iruka's hard old heart.
And maybe his brain, as well, but that could just be the remnants of his hangover speaking.
"Kakashi."
"Iruka."
They stared at each other for a few moments, and then they were all over the other one. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"
"I didn't mean it, either; will you ever forgive me?"
"Oh gods yes!"
Things quickly progressed from there—until Kiba started screaming about them doing that INSIDE THEIR HOUSE, PLEASE and Ino was yelling that Ebisu had pretended to pass out in the street again so he could keep watching the spectacle. Even then they barely got inside—only to discover that it was not Iruka's apartment, but Neji's.
Neji had a surprisingly high-pitched scream and it seemed that he had been practicing his taijutsu kicks as he booted them back out into the street.
The Hyuuga collapsed against his door. WHY did these things always seem to happen to him?!
xXxXxXxXxXx
Aoba ducked into the Mission Room. "Fight's over! How close was I?"
Izumo whipped out his book while Kotetsu started sticking postage stamps on a new money envelope. A few precise pen strokes and a few quick calculations later, the bandannaed chunin glanced up. "You were off by three days, eleven hours. Sorry."
"Damn. Who won?" Aoba asked as he tossed some money at the chunins.
"Hyuuga Hinata." He glanced over to his partner in crime. "She'd like the money to go towards Bridging the Ranks Mentors."
The bandaged ninja nodded and swiftly filled out an address on the old envelope before looking up. "Well, Aoba-san, would you like to support your village some more and take a guess at how long before those two start fighting again?"
x Fin x