Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this fic.

Unnnn… He groaned inwardly. The last thing he remembered was searing pain as the flames of his final jutsu burned into every nerve in his body. The resulting explosion must've been beautiful.

Too bad I didn't get to see it. Deidara sighed. Now I'm dead. At least I got that damned unappreciative Uchiha bastard.

He lay still for a few more minutes before something began shaking him. He groaned. "Go away. I'm dead."

The shaking persisted, and the metallic voice of a small child resounded in his ears. "Nii-san. Stop being lazy. Get up already."

The blonde sat up. "Wait what? Nii-san?" I have a brother?! He was lying in the sand in the middle of some desert.. alive. He turned to face the source of the voice, expecting to see some tiny kid wearing a tin bucket over his head. Instead, he came face to face with a giant suit of metal armor. "What the hell?"

The giant kid-sounding thing stopped. "Wait, you're not my brother."

"And you're pretty big for someone who sounds like a kid. Un."

The kid in the giant suit of armor laughed and rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry. You look just like my brother.. except you're taller. I should've known."
Deidara spared the thing a deadpan look and raised his palms. "Does your brother have mouths on his hands?"

The kid shook its head. "He doesn't have both hands either. My bad. But.. if you're not my brother, where's my brother?"

Deidara shrugged. "Lost, dead, I don't know."

The kid hunched his massive shoulders. "D-dead? No.. how.. I was only gone for a day.." -the kid whimpered- "Ed…"

Rolling his eyes, Deidara stood up and found that he wasn't wearing any clothes. Shit.

"Uh, listen. Kid. Could you lend me that suit of armor you're wearing? I'm kind of naked here."

The kid turned his eyes downward. Deidara frowned. "Yeah. You didn't need to look. Help me out here. Then we can go find your brother together and figure out where the hell I am because this sure as hell isn't the forests of Konoha. Un."

"You're gonna help me find my brother?" The relief in the kid's wavering voice almost knocked him over.

"Yeah. Now are you going to help me or are you gonna leave me standing here without a decent cover?

"About that." The thing raised its giant metal hands and rubbed the back of its head sheepishly. "I guess it's easier to show you. Please don't panic." -It lifted its helmet- "I am the suit of armor."

The suit of armor examined the blonde man before it for any reaction.

Deidara stared into the empty depths of the humanoid hunk of metal. His mind turned to some of the freaks he's seen over the course of his short life. Hidan, Kakuzu, Orochimaru. Heck. Sasori himself was a living puppet. "Eh. I've seen worse. Let me in."

The piece of armor sighed and knelt, offering the opening in its neck. "Hop in."

Deidara complied. "Alright let's go."

-Intermission-

It was hot, he was sweating, and they've been walking for twenty minutes, Deidara groaned. "It's so fucking hot."

"We are in a desert." The thing explained. "And I'm a suit of armor. I absorb heat."

"And I'm being roasted, how the hell do you stand this."

"I'm a suit of armor. I don't feel."

"Good thing too." Deidara panted. "Cuz that would've been super awkward… wait."

"What?" The suit of armor stopped.

"Let me out for a moment."

The suit lifted its helmet and knelt, allowing its passenger to rocket out from inside.

"Ok. Now to dig up some clay from the ground. Hey. You're a suit of armor. Start digging."

"Umm.." The kid-voice hummed inquisitively. "What do you need clay for?"

Deidara bit his tongue impatiently. "I can make flying things that can take us out of the desert. Now find me some clay."

"How much do you need?"

Deidara paused in thought. "Just a handful."

The armored head nodded. "Hold on. Watch."

With quick practiced movements, the thing traced a perfect circle in the sand and crossed it with exact markings.

Deidara examined the circle carefully. "What are you doing?"

"I'm making you clay. Hold on." With the circle complete, the armor hovered its hand over it. In a sudden flash of light, a big lump of clay was sitting in the middle of the circle.

"Ok that was cool." Deidara picked the lump into his hand. A tongue lashed out from the mouth in the middle of his palm and swallowed the entire thing.

The suit of armor grimaced. "That's.. that's gross."

Deidara scoffed. "Well you're a suit of armor."

The mouth continued chewing, molding its users Chakra into the clay before spitting it out. The clay, which had been colored light brown, came out pure white. It expanded, growing larger and forming a massive bird.

The suit of armor gasped. "That's incredible!"

"I see you appreciate my art." Deidara smiled. "You haven't even seen the best part. Hop on."

As they flew, the suit of armor cheered. "This is amazing! Why didn't you do this earlier?"

Deidara bit his tongue. Because all I could think about was getting some clothes on and I forgot. "B-because I wanted to see what it's like wearing a talking suit of armor that's why. Any more stupid questions?!"

The suit of armor shook its head, dejected.

"Good!"

-Intermission-

After the excitement of flying wore off, Alphonse began to worry again. Sure he was a suit of armor and could survive some of the most inhumane conditions, but his brother, Edward Elric, was not. Edward was human. Edward could die of thirst, heat and starvation. "So uh.. hand-mouth san.."

"It's Deidara." Deidara rolled his eyes as he shivered against the wind. Damn I need something to wear.
"Right. Deidara-san. You think you could fly back around to that spot I found you? My brother is most likely around that area."

"And why would I do that for you, armor-san?"

Alphonse grew impatient. "My name's Alphonse. Alphonse Elric. And I'll let you wear me if you do it. Please. I need to find my brother."

Deidara sighed. "Fine. Let me get in."
After a few moments Deidara was sitting inside the talking suit of armor again and they were flying back around to find the suit's lost brother. "Alphonse Elric.. what kind of name is that? It twists my tongue in weird ways. I don't like it."

Alphonse laughed sheepishly. "It's German."

-Intermission-

"Ah! There he is!" The suit of armor yelled excitedly, the sound of its voice echoing loudly inside.

Deidara winced. "Don't shout. God."

"Sorry! Land land land land! Land now!"
"Goddamnit kid. STOP SHOUTING!" Deidara frowned as he maneuvered his mount toward the little moving dot of blond hair down in the dunes.

Edward Elric looked up as a massive shadow hovered over him, the wind from its giant, white, flapping appendages giving him some much needed breeze. "Oh thank you God! You've answered my prayers.. take me out of this stupid desert!"

And then he heard his brother's voice. "Ed!"

"Alphonse?" Edward quirked his brows. "AL! Where the hell have you been?! I've been dying here." -he sobbed dramatically- "I literally thought I'd die. Where'd you get a giant flying bird?"

"Well." Having jumped off his mount, Alphonse rubbed the back of his sheepishly. "You see.." He lifted his helmet.

Edward gaped at the familiar-looking blonde hair and fair skin. He grinned, his voice incredulous. "Oh my god. Alphonse.. did you somehow manage to get your body back?!"

Then the blonde head spoke. "I'm not your brother. I'm only tagging along. The bird is mine."

"Oh.." Edward's disappointment was almost palpable. He examined the blonde head carefully. "Are we related?"

"No. Are you two from Suna?"

Two voices chimed in at the same time. "Suna?"

"Never heard of it." said Edward.

"Sorry." said Alphonse immediately after.

Deidara frowned. "But we're in a fucking desert. Un! Where the hell am I? Un."

"Oh. We haven't properly introduced ourselves." Edward smiled professionally. "My name's Edward Elric. I'm a state alchemist and am known commonly as the 'Full-metal Alchemist'... That's my brother Alphonse Elric, but you probably already know that. We're heading to the Amestrian Town of Reole. We'd be extremely grateful if you'd give us a ride."

Deidara's mind balked. This was the desert and he wasn't in the Land of Wind. That means he wasn't in the same continent he was in when he'd activated his ultimate piece of art. Or at least, not in the same time period. Something wonky like time travel was always a possibility. I'm alive right? Anything's possible. And he wasn't an S-ranked criminal anymore. He could start fresh. Deidara grinned. "Hop on. Where is this.. 'Amestrian Town of Reole?'"

"Due East. We should see it when we get there."