Here's the look at Marissa and her feelings when Tony left. Kind of insight at her. Prequel to my story UNDER MY SKIN. Hope you enoye it.
BABE I'M GONNA LEAVE YOU
She'll survive this. She has to. The life moves on. Tony's leaving, Cassie's already gonne and Sid went to New York to look for her. ''I hope he findes her.'' Marissa thought. She needed Sid to find her. To make her belive that some things in life finish how they are suposed to.
They bueried Chris the other day. She couldn't belive it. Chris died. She'll never see him again, make him share a joint even thou Tony hated when they hunged out. She spent days in his and Cassies flat. They would just watch TV and laugh about stupid things. Like Cassie's anorixia, Chris' trip to hospital or her talks with shrink. She was seeing him for a year now. Ever since she lost it when Effy overdosed. She didn't wanna speak with Tony for a week after that. She would lock herself in her room, drink and smoke joint after joint. She only talked with Chris when he brought her more drugs. Come to think about it, she always could talk with Chris. He was just easygoing like that.
And now... Now Chris was six feet underground and the other person she could relya onto(beside Effy of course) was leaving. She couldn't belive that Tony would just pack up and leave. Leave Effy, their parents, Michelle... Leave her. At least she would get his room. Effy said there was no way she could sleep in his bad.
She turned around in bed and caught the site of her meds. They were nitle put on the table with the glass of water. She took two benzodiazepines and layer down again. Her shrink told her she have adjustment disorder. Whatever. She knew she was fucked up even before him. She didn't need doctor with fucking diploma to tell her that. At least she now had meds to help her. ''Take two with every meal and you'll be fine.'' he told her. Of course she was talking more then he told her. Pills are funny like that. They make you feel better and you always want to feel like that.
''You awake?'' She heard Effy asking from her bed. She turned around and looked at her. This was the last night they shared a room.
''Yeah...'' Marissa answered quietly.
''I can't fucking believe that Tony's leaving.'' Effy said while getting up. ''We'll never have breakfast together again.'' She finished while dressing up.
''He'll came on holidays.'' I said, trying to be optimistic.
''Yeah, right.'' Effy said sarcastically. ''Because he's famous for caring about us and our fucking family breakfasts.''
''Fuck you Effy!'' I said and got up. ''He cares...'' I let the words linger not believing them myself.
''Whatever.'' Answered Effy rolling her eyes and closing the door of the room. I was left alone with my thoughts and things that were packed in boxes.
''He'll came back, he'll came back...'' I kept repainting while sliding to the floor. ''He cares, Tony cares, Tony cares..'' My words become cries as I put my head on the knees. ''Tony cares about me...''
''So, Tony...'' My dad started while putting butter on toast. ''You got everything ready for leaving?'' He asked, for what it seamed 100 time.
''Like I said, dad.'' Tony said and rolled eyes. ''Yeah, I do. For 100 fucking time.''
I could help but laugh and Tony just smirked at me.
''Don't be like that Ton.'' My mom said putting her hand on Tony's. ''We're just excited.''
Tony laughed. ''It looks like you can't wait to get raid of me.'' He smiled.
''Don't say that, please.'' I said and took sip of orange juice.
''You know we'll miss you.'' Said Effy looking at me. She looked like I was going to have my schizophrenic episode at any second.
''You just can't wait to fight about my room.'' Said Tony while getting up to put dishes in the sink.
''Don't you know?'' Asked Effy. ''Rissa's talking your room. It would be weird to sleep in the bad you fucked numerous girls.'' said Effy laughing.
''Effy... Watch the language.'' Said our mom and left. Probably to calm her nerves with a drink... Or five.
Tony looked at me not blinking. He knew how hard was I talking the news of him leaving. He came closer put his hand on my face. ''You sure? It's not going to be weird for you?'' he asked.
I just smiled covering my breaking soul. ''What would be weird? It's a great fucking room.''
''Rissa...'' he said again.
''Don't Ton. I'm fine.'' I said.
''Ok, kids. I'm going to work. Tony I'll be here to take to airdrome.'' Dad said, kissed us all on our head and left us alone.
''Right...'' Said Tony. ''Let's go to my room, have a spliff, say a proper goodbye.'' He finished and start to go. Effy looked at me. I smiled and took her hand following Tony.
''I'm going to miss this room.'' Said Tony giving me the said spliff. ''I'm going to miss everything. Fucking bad, fucking table, fucking walls...'' He continued to ramble while Effy laughed.
''What about us? Are you going to miss us?'' I asked interrupting fun atmosphere.
''For fuck sake Rissa... You know I will.'' Tony said when he stopped smiling.
''She just didn't take her meds.'' Said Effy thou her high state.
''Fuck off Eff.'' I yelled and got up. ''You don't care. You don't care that you're leaving me here. Fuck you, fuck you very much.'' I said spinning to look at Tony. I sounded ridicules, but I didn't care. Fuck them all.
''Rissa...'' He tried taking mine hand. ''I'll come...''
''Don't say that. Don't fucking lie to me and say you'll came for holidays.'' I yelled.
''What's going on here?'' Asked our precious mother opening the door. Effy put out the spliff fast. For fuck sake... Evan Athena wasn't that stupid. Even when she was dunk as fuck.
''Nothing... Just saying goodbye.'' Effy said smiling.
''Well, it sounded like you were fighting.'' Mom tried again.
''Mom... We're fucking fine.'' Tony said letting go of my hand. I already felt like his on the plane.
''Yeah... We're just peachy.'' I said and run out. I didn't need this shit.
''Give her some room to breath.'' I heard Tony say before walking out of our house. I needed to go somewhere. To feel like I was leaving him, not the other way around.
I finished in the park. The place I always seem to finish when I'm running. Sitting on the bench and looking at the lake made me calm. I took deep breaths and lighted up a smoke.
''I knew I'll find you here.'' I heard Tony sitting next to me. Well, fuck him for knowing me so well. ''You know I'm going to miss you. You and Eff both. it was three of us my whole life. But I need... I need to find something more.'' He said while putting his arm around me.
''And that more can't be here?'' I asked stupidly. I felt my eyes watering and fought to keep the tears.
''You know it can't. Please... I need you to fucking understand.'' Tony said and took my cigarette.
''I understand. It doesn't mean I fucking like it.'' I said and laughed. Real laugh for the first time in weeks. First real laugh since Chris died.
''I'll call. And you can come over whenever you want. Whenever you need something.'' Tony said and looked at me.
''I know that. It's just... You won't be two seconds from me anymore.'' I said while brushing my tears.
''I'll always be here.'' Tony said putting his hand over my heart. It sounded like such a cliché but I believed it. ''I'll always be with you.'' He said and brushed my tears.
''OK then... You sure you two don't want to came with us?'' Asked dad while putting Tony's stuff in the car.
''We're sure.'' I said nodding my head.
''We don't need sappy goodbyes.'' Said Effy hugging Tony. ''See you around bro.'' she said smiling, but I could see her eyes. Eyes I knew like my own. She was trying to be strong. For Tony, but most importantly for me...
''I love you.'' Tony said and hugged me. ''Call me if you need anything.'' He said into my ear before letting me go.
''Ok, ok... Bloody hell. It sounds like you're leaving to war.'' Laughed my dad. ''Came on we're going to be late.'' He finished while getting in the car. Mom smiled at us and got in as well.
''There he goes. Making fucking history.'' Effy said and took my arm when the car got out of sight. We sat on the porch and she lighted up the spliff.
''Here. You look like you need one.'' She said smiling I took it. ''Nothing will ever be the same.'' She said and I let the smoke out. I watched it go into the sky. Diapering just like Tony.
''You have me. You know that. It's always going to be us against the world.'' Effy said.
''And you'll never fuck me up or fuck me over?'' I asked.
''Fuck you over what?'' Effy asked. ''If I fuck you over it will be like fucking myself over.'' She said.
I believed her. Maybe Tony left but she's here. I have some taking care of me. I made a promise to myself that day. A won't let anybody else take care of me. I don't need anybody else to take care of me. I'm fine. I'm fucking fine. I'm Marissa fucking Stonem.
I know, I never leave you, baby.
But I got to go away from this place, I've got to quit you.
Ooh, baby,
Baby, ooh don't you hear it calling?
Woman, woman, I know, I know its good to have you back again
And I know that one day baby, its *gonna really* grow, yes it is.
We gonna go walking through the park every day.
Hear what I say, every day.
Baby, its really growin, you made me happy every single day.
But now I've got to go away
Baby, baby, baby, baby