First Year: Our Furry Little Problem
It was late into the night, everyone had gone off to bed leaving the Gryffindor Common Room to Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter. Whilst everyone dreamed of the final feast or the adventures they'd have when they returned home for the summer, Remus couldn't help the pit in his stomach as it slowly consumed him. Leaving Hogwarts was so much more than a summer break for him. It was a time of loneliness, of no one understanding what he was going through, of being completely and utterly alone.
"Remus," Peter whispered pulling Remus's mind back into the room with them.
Peter Pettigrew was fairly short for his age. Though just barely twelve, the other three Gryffindors towered over him. And he wasn't particularly strong or athletic like them. But if there was one thing about Peter that Remus was sure of, it was his undeniable loyalty. Peter was the kid brother of the group and Remus knew he'd do anything for them… fight for them, defend them… keep a secret.
Yes, his secret. Now if only Remus could build up the courage to tell them.
"Are you feeling okay?" Peter wondered aloud.
Remus nodded, despite the beads of sweat he could feel gathering on his forehead.
"You don't look so good, mate," Sirius had noticed Remus's uneasiness, "do you feel ill?"
"No, I—," but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
The boys waited in silence which only made Remus more unsure of what he was dying to tell them.
The words couldn't tumble out of his mouth quicker, he stuttered, "Can I… if I tell you something— something big— do you promise to keep my secret?"
"You can tell us anything," James promised him. And Remus wanted to believe that promise, he truly did. But this wasn't just any secret. This secret has gotten wizards locked up in Azkaban… it's gotten people hurt…or worse, dead. This secret has ruined absolutely everything in Remus's life… his childhood, his parents' relationship, his future. After his first transition, he thought no one would ever look at him the same. And then came a letter from Professor Minerva McGonagall. He'd been accepted to Hogwarts despite all of the horrible things. And with Hogwarts came these three other boys… his best friends. The closest thing he would have to family ever again.
"I-" Remus started, but his hands ferociously quaked as if warning him that this would not end as he had hoped,"I can't."
"Bloody hell," Sirius muttered throwing his arms up in the air, "It really can't be that hard!"
"Shut up Sirius," James nudged him in the gut, before turning back to Remus, "you can tell us, I promise."
Remus rubbed the back of his neck. He wanted to just say it, he really, really wanted to. He took a big breath opening his mouth and closing his eyes. But no words came out. He released the air bring his hands to his temples.
"Brothers," Peter said to him, "Remember that. We're just like family."
"You can tell us," James smiled at him.
Remus looked hard at the wall opposite him. He hated that wall; that is at least what it felt like as he glared hard at it. He squeezed his hands together and finally just said it, "I'm a- I'm a werewolf."
They were all silent.
Remus' stomach lurched, his heart ached. But he stayed glaring at that stupid wall.
"Are you kidding me?" Sirius scoffed loudly.
Remus wondered what that could mean… how upset Sirius could be with him. He had been lying to him all bloody year, he had every right to be mad. But would he look at him differently? Certainly. They all would. Everyone who knew always did.
"I'm sorry," Remus whispered as he swallowed the lump in his throat, "I understand if… if you don't want to be friends anymore."
"Remus—," James started but Sirius cut him off.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Sirius leaned back into the couch, "I thought you were gonna tell me something important! Something big!"
"Excuse me?" Remus was taken aback.
"Shut up, mate," James punching Sirius hard in the shoulder and he winced. James took a deep breath in and looked Remus directly in the eyes. It was like he was trying to see into his soul… find the monster within him. But then James said, "It's okay Remus."
"It's…?" Remus was ready for every possible outcome except for that. What was this? … acceptance? No. No. No one would be even remotely okay with this. He was a werewolf! He's hurt people… he's lied to all of them ALL year! They thought he was joking… they had to. That could be the only possible explanation. Remus repeated himself, "I am a werewolf… I'm serious. I've… I've done things and I've hurt people. And—and I lied to you all… this entire year. And I'm so so sorry."
"But we already knew," Sirius whispered.
James started with another angry, "Si-!"
"What do you mean?" Remus looked at Sirius sharply.
"We already knew that! We told you we were your best friends," Sirius muttered, "Did you honestly think we wouldn't find out?"
"But— but," Remus was so very confused as he rubbed the back of his neck, "you never said anything."
"Of course not," Peter said, "We figured you didn't want to talk about it."
"You just spent the last twenty minutes stuttering to say something we already knew!" Sirius muttered furiously, "That is not how the game goes! You're supposed to say something we don't know! What is the point of the game if you break the only rule there is?!"
"How- what- when did you- why- how could- well when in Merlin's name did you find that out," he said.
"The third full moon! It wasn't hard to guess," James snickered.
He sat in shock as his best friends giggled around him. How could they have possibly found out in one year? How was it three twelve- year- olds figured something as complex as that out? Why hadn't they told him when they realized? Or better yet, why hadn't they told the whole school? Why did they stick by his side and act like it was nothing?
"So," he started off shakily, "why are you still friends with me?"
James stopped laughing, "What do you mean why?"
"I'm a werewolf. I could- I could hurt you. I could bite you and make you one," Remus said hating himself.
"That's ridiculous. You wouldn't attack us. You leave school at the full moon, don't you? Technically, you couldn't get to us. Plus we're all the way up in this tower most of the time." James answered trying to act logical.
"Well, you shouldn't be friends with me. I'm a monster," he whispered.
"No, the Dark Lord is a monster," Sirius laughed.
"Yeah, you- well, you just have a furry little problem," James smiled.
He looked at James like he was an idiot. A furry little problem? He was a werewolf, for Merlin's sake. There is nothing 'little' about that! But James' smile did make him smile. Leave it to those boys to take something so serious and make it seem like no big deal, even joke about the situation.
He shook his head and smiled, "You guys are something."
Sirius smiled, "Why yes we are. Now, could you tell us about your furry little problem, mate? I'm just really curious, you know?"
"You kind of owe us," Peter smiled, "You didn't ruin the game."
His smile faltered a bit, but he thought that he could trust these boys. Plus, he really wanted to talk about his 'furry little problem'.
"What do you want to know?" he said lying down on the floor.
"Does it hurt? To change?" Peter piped up.
"Like hell," he whispered.
"Are you still you when you change?" James wondered.
"Not really," he said, "I don't really know what I'm doing. I feel the change and then I sorta black out."
"So, like when you're wasted," Sirius laughed.
"You just turned twelve, Sirius; the closest you've ever got to drunk is a sugar rush from to many chocolate frogs!" Peter laughed.
"Yeah, but I've seen it. Drunk people never know what they're doing!" Sirius smiled.
Peter nodded thinking of his father, "Yeah I guess."
James reared the conversation back to the werewolf bit, "So where exactly do you go when you change?"
"Well, you know that really young nurse in the Hospital Wing, Pomfrey? Well, she takes me down to the Whomping Willow. There is a secret passage that takes me to a shack," he finished.
"Wait the Shrieking Shack? Oh my God are you the ghost of that bloody place?!" Sirius questioned.
"Well, I'm not a ghost, I can tell you that much. But yeah I am what makes the noises." He said.
"Well that blows! All this time I thought that there were really ghosts and this buffoon comes along and tells me he is the one who makes those damn noises," Sirius said in mock disappointment.
He laughed. That was the first time anyone had made a joke about his wolf cries. Then again, very few people knew. It was only the boys, his parents, Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall and the Headmaster.
"Thank you," he whispered gratefully.
"Well what are friends for Lupey?" James smiled patting his foot.
"Brothers," Peter corrected him.
James smiled and patted Peter's back, "Brothers. What are brothers for?"
The four boys smiled at each other before they scurried off into their beds. Remus curled up with his pillow and his blankets wrapped tight around him. He was peaking out his hangings out into that wall. He didn't hate it so much anymore. He hadn't ever really hated it. It was a good wall. He smiled at his stupidity but for some reason, he couldn't help but admit his love for that wall.
That wall was the last thing before he fell asleep into dreams of brotherhood.