I am supposed to be studying and instead I just wrote a 4,000 word Cargan songfic. What is life? Missy Higgins should not be playing while I am studying ever again. This thing sort of just took on a mind of its own and I kept writing and couldn't stop. Anyways I am pretty proud of it so I hope you guys think it's good. Enhoy
And I in no way own Missy Higgins or her beautiful song "Special Two" or Big Time Rush. But you should look up Missy if you don't know who she is. Amaze balls.
So, I've received a complaint about including the song lyrics on this (because apparently people don't do that, regardless of how many people I've seen do it) so I had to remove them but instead, here is the link to the song watch?v=sz4nwnv6XG0
Carlos had been wallowing in his room for the last 4 days. Nobody except him and blonde Jennifer knew why. Logan, James and Kendall had tried getting through to him but to no avail. Mrs Knight and Katie had even tried talking to him. Nothing. He wasn't having any of it. He wouldn't talk to anyone. Logan was worried the reason his boyfriend was sitting all alone in his room was because of him. And he was right to worry, because he was the reason Carlos had spent the last 4 days in complete solitude.
Well, kind of.
Carlos had made a huge mistake. And he hated himself for it. How could he have done such a thing? He loved Logan, more than anyone else in the entire world. But he couldn't help himself. The way she just walked up to him all sultry and with fervent need in her eyes. She took advantage of the fact that she was his very first relationship. She knew that Carlos couldn't say no to her, no matter how much he loved Logan now and not her. Carlos supposed he should have known that blonde Jennifer has a habit of wanting things she couldn't have and that she always ends up getting what she wants. Carlos was what she wanted.
The moment it was over, Carlos was filled with regret deeper than the Mariana Trench. While it had felt good while it was happening, any feeling of pleasure completely dissipated the moment those dimples and crooked smile came to mind. He had completely betrayed the one person, who had loved him unconditionally, despite all his flaws. He knew Jennifer only wanted to have sex with him because he was with Logan and he had gone and given her the one thing she wanted and once she got it, she didn't want it anymore.
He doesn't know why he even did it. He wasn't attracted to her anymore, hadn't been in a long time. When he started dating Logan he told himself he would never even so much as look at another person. Maybe it was because she had looked so desperate. Carlos hated that look on anybody. He always wanted everyone to be happy and he had no time to think about the consequences before she was coming on to him. Unfortunately for him, Jennifer's happiness meant his turmoil and if Logan ever found out, his too. The guilt was eating him alive. He didn't know what to do. That's why he completely shut everyone, including Logan, out. He completely ignored the fact that it could have come from some deep seeded mummy issues. He never really thought of his mother after what she had done to his father.
Carlos had never been much of a drinker. After all, he was still underage and whilst he was a trouble maker of sorts, drinking was one thing he had never considered doing. That was until four days ago. Nobody had realised he had stolen it. He supposed it was because Mama Knight didn't really drink much either, it was always just sitting there and none of the boys had ever been tempted before. After he had downed a complete bottle the night it happened, he realised why he never considered drinking. It made him feel gross and while he temporarily was relieved from the pain, his guilt came back ten-fold the next morning.
So now he was back to sitting in his room in complete silence, just staring at the bottle, grunting "go away's" and "leave me alone's" every time someone knocked on his door. The truth was he couldn't bring himself to face anybody. Especially not Logan. He was afraid they would look at him and know. Know that he was a horrible person and that he didn't deserve their love.
Whilst Logan had been worried the entire time, the remaining four residents of 2J had now started getting anxious too. Nobody could get Carlos to come out of his room, talk to anybody or even let anybody inside his room. He didn't even come out for meals. The only time the door had opened was the times Carlos had to use the bathroom.
Logan looked at Mrs Knight with pleading eyes. He had been stressing for far too long and it was starting to take its toll on him. He was filled with intense worry that Carlos didn't want to be his boyfriend anymore or worse, that something was horribly wrong with Carlos or someone in his family. The last time he had been like this was just after his parents got divorced and he stopped talking to his mother.
Mrs Knight finally took a stand. She was talking to Carlos no matter what he said when she knocked on the door. She walked over to the room, telling the other three boys and Katie to go out for a bit while she talked to him. They reluctantly left the apartment.
"Carlos, it's me, Mrs Knight, I need to talk to you. You need to let me in right now. This is not healthy" Mrs Knight said as she knocked on the door.
Carlos remained silent, still staring at the bottle of alcohol he had consumed the other night. Until he heard Mrs Knight twisting open the door knob. He jumped up as quickly as he could to hide the bottle before she could see it and lay back on his bed facing the wall.
"Carlos, sweetie, what on Earth is going on? You need to talk to someone"
Carlos didn't respond.
"Carlos, I need to know what's wrong before I can help you"
Carlos rolled back over to face Mrs Knight with tears in his eyes, not going unnoticed. The second Jennifer saw the tears; she walked over to him, pulled him up into a sitting position and held him close in a hug, giving him a kiss on the head.
"Mama Knight…I did something really bad" Carlos finally whispered in admittance, looking up at his guardian, doe eyed and with a large frown.
"Carlos baby, what did you do? It can't have been that bad"
"I'm just like her" Carlos conceded, setting off a fresh batch of tears.
The pieces all started coming together for Mrs Knight as Carlos went on to explain everything that happened with blonde Jennifer through his cries. She began rubbing her hand up and down his arm in comfort.
"Sweetie, you are nothing like her"
"Yes I am! I am exactly like her! She's horrible and so am I"
"Carlos, what you did was wrong, I am not going to lie to you, but you are nothing like your mother. She didn't feel one ounce of guilt over it, and she left a husband and 3 boys all on their own. You just made a mistake. A big one yeah, but a mistake."
"What am I going to do? He's gonna hate me. I can't lose him. He means everything to me."
Mrs Knight grabbed Carlos' hands with hers and held them close. "You can't lie to him. It's just going to make you feel worse and worse until it hurts so much you can't breathe. The only way to make the pain go away is to tell Logan what happened"
"I can't. I don't want what happened between mom and dad to happen to me and Logan. And it would be all my fault…oh God it hurts so much" Carlos sobbed, grabbing onto Mrs Knight's waist in a tight hug.
"Talk to him. Logan is a pretty understanding person. It will be worse if you don't tell him. Trust me."
"Isn't there an easy way out? Telling him is going to hurt him too"
"No baby. The only 'easy' way out is to not have done it in the first place. It's done and now you have to face the consequences, you can't undo what you did."
Carlos contemplated for a while in Mrs Knight's arms what he was going to do. This was a huge decision. Tell Logan and risk losing him, or not tell Logan and risk him finding out and then losing him. Neither of those sounded like good alternatives. He hated himself for being so stupid. He wished more than anything that he hadn't done it. But Mama Knight was right, he had and now he had to deal with it.
"What if he doesn't forgive me?"
"I've always believed you should fight for what you love"
Carlos looked up at Mrs Knight. He had finally decided what he was going to do. "Can you send Logan in here when you see him please?
Mrs Knight smiled at Carlos. She was proud of him for owning up to his actions. "Yeah, baby, I'll send him in" and she went to leave the room after kissing Carlos on the forehead and bidding him good luck.
"Mama Knight" Carlos called as she was about to walk out.
Jennifer turned around to face him to let him know she had heard him. "Thanks…I…I wish you were my mom"
"You're welcome baby. I love you." She answered with emotion as she walked out the door. She promptly texted her biological son that she had finished talking to Carlos and that they could all come back to the apartment.
Carlos was a nervous wreck. What he was about to do could ruin his relationship and for all intents and purposes, his life. He sat in his room, waiting for Logan to walk through his door. He didn't know whether he wanted him to ever walk through or not. He tensed up the moment he heard the door to the apartment open and everyone walk in.
"Hey mom, did you find out what was wrong with him" he heard Kendall ask his mother.
"Yeah. Logan, sweetie, why don't you head on in there now. I think Carlos wants to talk to you"
Logan looked over at Mrs Knight nervously. He was right all along. Carlos didn't want to be with him anymore. What had he done? Why didn't Carlos want to be with him anymore? This couldn't be happening.
"Loges! It's alright man, just go in" Kendall spoke when he realised Logan had may move to go to Carlos' room.
Logan finally walked into Carlos room and the moment he saw the look on his boyfriend's face he wanted to run back out.
"Baby, why are you crying? Did I do something wrong? Are you hurt? Sick? What is it?" Logan questioned beginning to tear up himself at the sight of tears on his lover's face.
"No baby, you didn't do anything wrong. You never could…I did"
Logan was confused. What had Carlos done? He walked over to the bed where Carlos was sitting and put his hand on his thigh, slowly rubbing it back and forth.
It took a while for Carlos to speak the words. He had already told the story once to Mrs Knight and that had hurt like hell, he didn't know how he was going to say it to Logan. So he took the blunt route.
"I had sex with Jennifer" Carlos blurted out completely tactlessly and on accident.
The moment the words left his lips, he literally saw Logan's heart break. The look on his face was not one he ever wanted to see gracing the boys features ever again. It was like Carlos' whole world came crashing down the moment he saw Logan's face drop. And the next second, Logan was running out of the room, out of the apartment and in all likelihood, out of his life.
Carlos slumped, he had told Logan and it hadn't ended well. Not that he expected Logan to forgive him straight away with no hurt but he had thought he at least he would get the chance to explain. But then again, he didn't have any explanation. He had sex with Jennifer and that was that.
James, Kendall, Katie and Mrs Knight watched as Logan stormed out of the apartment, Mrs Knight the only one knowing why he was so upset. But James had an inkling.
"Mrs Knight. Did Carlos cheat on Logan?" James asked wearily, guessing what had Carlos moping for the last 4 days and causing Logan to walk out.
Mrs Knight was shocked that James went to that thought straight away. "What makes you say that honey?"
James finally confessed to a secret of his own. "After what went done with Carlos's mom, he came to my house crying one night. I thought he was just upset about his mom leaving, but it was more than that. He told me that his biggest fear was that he would end up like her. That he would make the same mistakes. He made me promise not to tell anyone about that night or about his mom. I told him I wouldn't and then reassured him that he would never do that because he wasn't a bad person. Mrs Knight, he doesn't think he is a bad person does he?"
"You know what really happened with his mother? I thought he told all of you guys that she just left, not what happened." Mrs Knight questioned.
"He did. Well, Logan and Kendall anyway. And he hadn't wanted to tell me, it sorta just came out. And you didn't answer my question."
"Jamie, he has a lot of sorting out to do. I'm sure he and Logan will be okay" Mrs Knight sighed.
"But what if he loses Logan? He'll hate himself. I mean I know he screwed up and I should hate him for hurting Logan, but evidently there's a reason for it. Logan and Carlos have to be okay, it would break both of them too much for them to be apart" piped in Kendall, thankfully not too upset about the fact that Carlos had lied about what had really happened with his parents.
Katie, who had been sitting silently up until this moment, piped in with her two cents. "Logan and Carlos will be okay, those two are special."
The other three looked at Katie, knowing she was right. It might take some time, but the two boys would be okay. They just had to be.
Carlos had sat in his room, mulling over his confession to Logan. What was he going to do now? Telling the truth hadn't made him feel any better. He had lost Logan and he was probably going to lose his other friends too. There was no way any of them were going to talk to him after this. What if Mrs Knight kicked him out because nobody wanted him around anymore? He would have to go back to Minnesota with his dad and brothers because there is no way they would want him in Big Time Rush anymore. All these thoughts circling in his mind like wildfire. He couldn't get the negatives out of his head, until he had heard what Katie had said. Those two are special. She was right and Carlos knew what he had to do.
Carlos ran out of the apartment, quickly asking the others if they knew were Logan went. They had no idea, but as Carlos ran out the door, smiles returned to all four of their faces. They knew Carlos wasn't going to give up that easily.
He wasn't like his mum. He was going to fight with all his might to get Logan to forgive him.
Carlos didn't know why he even bothered asking the others where Logan had gone. He knew exactly where he was. The roof. He always went there when he was upset and Carlos would always find him there and hold him close until his pain went away. This was just the first time Carlos had been the cause of the pain.
Carlos opened the door to the roof and saw Logan sitting on the ledge, his legs dangling down. Exactly where he knew he'd find him. Carlos stood waiting for a moment.
"I don't know why I came here, I knew you'd find me, you always do." Logan said to Carlos, without turning around, sensing his presence.
"Can we talk? I mean properly this time" asked Carlos.
"You wanna tell me how good she was. How much better she is then me. No thanks, I don't really wanna hear it."
"God no Logan. She has nothing on you. I don't know what I was thinking, I was stupid. Stupider than I have ever been. Please just give me a chance to make it up to you."
Logan turned around, hopping up onto the ledge. "Stupider than you have ever been huh? I dunno, you once tried to make watermelon shoes." Logan laughed sarcastically.
"You know what I mean Logie"
"Don't" Logan stepped down off the ledge and eyed Carlos with a look that could kill.
"Don't what?"
"Call me Logie. You're trying to use your pet name for me to get me to forgive you. Don't"
"Logan."
"What? What could you possibly say to me that makes any of this okay? Huh? Did you fall over and your dick just landed in her. Is that what happened Carlos?"
"Don't mock me Logan, I made a mistake" Carlos was beginning to lose hope of ever getting Logan back.
"Yeah. A fucking huge one!" Logan yelled back through a choked sob. This only served to makes Carlos's tears start falling again. He wanted nothing more than to grab Logan in his arms, and kiss him all over and take his pain away. So that's what he did. Logan sunk to the ground in sobs, Carlos going down with him, holding on tight.
Logan didn't want Carlos's arms to make him feel safe and warm. He wanted to hate how his arms felt, wanted to push him away, but he couldn't. He couldn't deny that being wrapped in Carlos's arms made him feel a little better. But he also couldn't give in this easily. Carlos had hurt him. Badly.
"Let go of me" Logan sobbed.
"No" Carlos replied adamantly.
"Please let go of me. I won't go anywhere, I just need you to let go" Logan managed after he had calmed down some.
Not wanting to upset his boyfriend, could he still call him that? Any more, Carlos gently let go of Logan.
"Why?" Logan asked lamely, looking up at the boy who he loved with all his heart but had broken him into pieces.
Carlos was silent for a while, before he decided to tell Logan another secret he had been keeping.
"I promised myself I would never be like her. She made my dad, my brothers…and me, miserable. And I hated her for it" he began with a sigh.
Logan was confused. What on Earth was Carlos talking about? Why was he bringing up his mother, she had left years ago. He hadn't brought her up since they had been in L.A.
"And I broke that promise to myself"
Logan knew where this was going. He had never imagined that Carlos's mum had done anything of the kind, but now here Carlos was telling him what really went down when his mother had left her family.
"I saw how it hurt my dad like hell. She thought none of us knew. She would do it all the time. Dad would be out making money for the family, and she was out whoring around with so many different men. And then I finally snapped and told dad about it. God, he hit me so hard that night. Told me I was stupid for ever thinking such a thing…He caught her two nights later with his partner. And the worst part was, she didn't even care that he found out. Just told him he was a bad fuck and that she never wanted us and walked out. What kind of a person does it make me when I saw how much damaged it caused, to do the same thing to you?"
Logan's resolve was slipping. He had never realised how painful Carlos's mother's departure had been. She had really done a number on him. How could he not forgive Carlos after what he went through? No! That was no excuse.
"I know it's not an excuse" Carlos read his mind. "But, I just, you have to know that what happened between me and Jennifer meant absolutely nothing. I don't even know why it happened. It just did. So quickly. And before I could think about it, it was over and I was in my room crying, thinking what the hell had I done. I felt dirty and disgusting. And I just wanted to grab you, and hold you tight."
"If you wanted to hold me, then why didn't you come to me that night? Why did it take you four days to tell me?" Logan probed.
"Because I couldn't. I was scared. Scared to lose you. I still am. You are the most important person in this world to me Logan Mitchell and I love you more than anything. The thought of losing you brought a pain to my chest that I have never felt before and I never want to feel again. I only ever wanted you and nobody else. Deep down I knew that from the moment I met you even though we were just kids and I didn't even know what gay meant. And I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I had to let you know that the reason I did it wasn't because of you and that I am more sorry for this than anything I have ever been sorry for. More than that time I broke Kendall's arm or the time I broke James' dead grandmother's vase. Or even the time I told my dad about my mom" Carlos finished.
Logan looked at Carlos with an unreadable look. Logan had no idea what to say back to that. He didn't want to lose Carlos either. But he had really hurt him this time. If he did forgive him, who was to say he wouldn't do it again? Logan didn't think he could take hearing that news again.
But what he couldn't take more was not having Carlos in his life.
"I forgive you" Logan mumbled.
"What?" Carlos looked at Logan in shock.
"I said I forgive you. But that doesn't mean it isn't going to take me some time to get over this. I don't know how long it's gonna take for me to trust you again, but I am willing to work on it because I love you too, a whole lot. And I don't wanna lose what we have. People make mistakes and you are a people."
Carlos giggled at the last thing Logan had said. It was always funny when Logan made grammatical errors because Carlos knew it was on purpose. He leaned over to Logan and kissed him. And while it didn't feel the same it did before he had cheated on Logan, he knew it would take time to get back to that, it sure as hell was a better kiss than Jennifer had ever, even when they were dating, given him.
Both Carlos and Logan knew that things were not going to go on like nothing had ever happened, but they were both willing to fight for their love because they only ever needed each other and that was enough. They were the special two.
Thanks for reading my mind jumble J Also I don't know why the line thing happened, word was being a bitch.
Anyways, review if ya want, or not, whatever floats your boat.