It always gets colder, somehow. That's how I knew tonight that you were gone. All of a sudden the wounds on my worn-out body were not burning anymore. At first, it felt like a relief, to be rid of the pain, before I realised what it had to mean.
Trying to change the past, or revive the future, I scratched my nails into the soft skin of my arms, making pathways that would lead me to you. They didn't, and I was still surrounded by those icy winds that without mercy bury your world in heavy snow that doesn't belong in this part of the world, and voices, hateful voices screaming my name.
Darling, I live for the day that I met you.
For so long had I been walking across the barren land, in the company of thoughtless admirers, when we reached a city in the desert. We all welcomed this chance to rest our feet and meet other people. The younger disciples, especially, seemed to be getting impatient. It can be hard travelling without a goal. When I asked a stranger if he knew where we might find a shelter for the night, it was you who answered,
I never thought anyone would be able to make me feel that way. Sometimes, when I think it's wrong, I tell myself that the only reason I ever let myself get so affected by the sight of you, was an unhealthy mix of fatigue and hunger.
At the moment, there is no wrong or right, and it doesn't matter either way.
I had decided long ago, that the only thing hat was important was teaching people to care for and respect one another. I knew it could only ever complicate things if I myself started to care too much for anyone, and forgot about my fate. My legacy. The people who have joined me on my voyage do not see me as a man, so I have to be more than that.
You're the one who, with one dark-eyed look, degraded me until I was just as insignificant as you. Never have I felt more alive than I did at those times, with you at the bottom of His creation.
Don't tell me about the days that I placed myself above everyone, and please don't unveil my desperate lies when I say it's only because they kept telling me I was something more. I only want to forget. That can't be too much to ask for, can it?
I know I'm wrong.
Not because I love you, that was only a problem before. It has been taken care of now, you're gone and I will never stray again.
But I know inside that I'm wrong because I do not believe in anything. Too late I realise that it's not worth it. They're already calling me a king, unwanted, and I'm freezing to death in my royal uniform.
People I used to know are crying for me, and I'm sorry to leave them like this. They were only foolish, following their foolish leader. I never should have let them believe.
Without water the mind gets dizzy, and I can't control my thoughts anymore. Blurry memories mix with dreams of the future and I'm not sure what's true. So I tell my tired self that the image of you, smiling at me in the sun, is the only thing that's real.
That's the last thing I see.
Because, darling, I lived for the day that I met you.