Dr. Flug heard strange noises coming from the kitchen. Screams and shrieks and what sounded to be howling. Along with the disturbing cackling laughter of his employer. The mad scientist didn't know what to make of it, so he went down to investigate.
He found his boss, Black Hat, howling like a man possessed in the kitchen before a small cauldron, the spirits of the damned swirling around him and screaming like a dastardly choir.
The demon seemed not to notice Dr. Flug's entrance, as he didn't stop his odd howling. Or the strange gestures he made over the bubbling pot.
"Uh, Lord Black Hat, sir?" The eldritch finally looked up from the cauldron. "What are you doing? And...why are you howling?"
"Oh, good evening Doctor!" Black Hat said with a malicious grin. "As you know, Halloween is fast approaching!"
"Yes, yes I know Halloween is coming up sir. I take it you're excited?"
"Oh yes! I thought it would be nice to get some candy bars for the trick or treaters this year, so I was just summoning some."
"You're summoning...candy bars?"
"Uh, yes, this is not rocket science Flug!" Black Hat said with a roll of his eye. "Actually, maybe you'd understand it better if it was."
"I thought you hated the kids in our neighborhood."
"Whaaaaaat?" Black Hat said with a suspiciously wide smile. "Nooooo. Whatever gave you that idea?"
"Audrey 2-5 out on our front lawn."
"Don't be such a downer Flug. Now, let's get the next batch of treats in here." Black Hat let out an unearthly howl, and the cauldron let loose a puff of toxic yellow smoke. It smelled like sulfur. As Dr. Flug gagged on the stench he swore he could see his master rubbing his hands together in malevolent glee.
As the smoke dissipated, the doctor could see a batch of vaguely familiar candy bars filling the cauldron to the brim. They did not hold pleasant memories.
"Um, sir? Why did you summon Payday bars?"
"What do you mean? Kids love Payday Flug! 5.0.5., bring me the next cauldron!" The large blue bear walked to the center of the room and switched out the black tub filled with peanut caramel candy for an empty one.
"I don't think they do. I was never very fond of it." Dr. Flug said. He patted 5.0.5.'s fur as the bear got out of the way of their master.
"Oh don't you fret, they're going to love these, Doctor. They're also going to love-" Another howl that sounded like it emanated from the pits of hell, and the new cauldron spewed out a thick black cloud of ash. Dr. Flug waved it away, trying to see what candy his demonic employer had summoned this time.
"Really, sir? Baby Ruth?"
"Yeah, Flug! Four grams of protein!"
"Because that's what kids like in their Halloween candy, protein."
"Dr. Flug, you're being really negative right now and I don't appreciate it." Black Hat said, although he was clearly trying not to laugh. 5.0.5. came up and swapped out the cauldrons without needing to be told. He seemed happy just to be of some help.
"Can't you summon some Snickers, or Kit Kats, or even just a Hershey's bar or something, sir?"
"Ok, Flug, I'll summon some Hershey's bars." Black Hat said with an evil grin. He let out another ear shattering howl and the cauldron was enveloped in a cloud of thick white dust.
Oh no.
"Hershey's Cookies and Cream?!" Flug yelled.
"What's the problem now, Flug?"
"You know what the problem is, sir! You're summoning the worst candy!"
"Whaaaaaaaaat?" Black Hat said, pretending to be offended. He went and handed the bowl of the worst kind of Hershey's chocolate to 5.0.5. The bear at least was having a good time helping Black Hat in his twisted scheme of giving this years trick or treaters the worst trick of all.
"Summon something good Black Hat!" Dr. Flug demanded.
"Ok, how about these?" Black Hat howled and this time, once the noxious smoke cleared, the cauldron was filled with two types of candy. Neither of them good.
"3 Musketeers? 5th Avenue!?" Dr. Flug said, horrified that anyone would even think of giving these to children.
"What, are these not good enough for you Flug?"
"No, they aren't!"
"What about these?" He didn't even wait for 5.0.5. to switch the cauldron out. Another inhuman howl from the creature and the cauldron was topped off with-
"100 Grand and Almond Joy?!"
"Oh I'm just getting started Doctor!" He howled again and suddenly there was- oh my god Good & Plenty? GOOD & PLENTY?! This was worse than black licorice!
"Black Hat we can't give these to kids!"
"What if I throw in some Juicy Fruit!?" The entity of supreme evil cackled in his display of wretched Halloween treats. Even 5.0.5. was starting to look concerned.
"You've gone too far Black Hat, this has got to stop!"
"Yes, well, I can't keep going anyway." Black Hat said.
"What?" The doctor asked in utter confusion. "Why?"
"Why do you think?" He motioned to the cauldron, which was now occupied by a mound of neon green and fluorescent red. Which was holding a small handheld Cam-bot and speaking into it.
"It's now for another of my classic 'Demencia Tips'!" She screamed into the thing, making it flinch. "This week, I'll be showing you how to eat an entire tub of candy in until a minute."
"If only anyone actually watched your vlogs, you might be able to get a few kids sick." Black Hat remarked.
"Now, what you want to do is make sure you can open your mouth wide enough to be able to swallow all the little things whole without even chewing. Matter of fact, don't even take the wrappers off. Just unhinge your jaw like this-"
"Ewww!" Dr. Flug shrieked. He always hated seeing her do that! 5.0.5. wasn't a fan of it either.
"An' th'n, wat yu wan' i' to shov' ev'ythin' in yu'r mouf lik' thi'-"
"Oh wow, I would not recommend anyone to ever mix chocolate and licorice."
"Pl's da ch'win' gu'!" Dr. Flug lost complete track of what Demencia was trying to say. She could barely move her mouth.
"That is really gross."
"An' don' stop thar! A' i' a p'etze'!" Where did she get those pretzels!? Was some other fiend giving out those lame pretzel packs for Halloween?! Did Black Hat summon them before Flug got here?!
"Demencia, stop. Now. I'm going to be sicking looking at this." Flug said.
"Tru'we thi' is ah div'ne gif'!"
Dr. Flug left. He had had enough. Next time he went to the store he was picking up one of those mixed candy bags. They may not be great, but they would be better than anything anyone else in this household would provide.