This chapter has officially been reviewed and edited. Older/Wiser Squashes approves and no longer grimaces at Chapter One.

.o&o.

"Shut the bloody hell up, Potter."

Lily wasn't normally one to break the morning's peaceful silence with curses, but for Potter, she nearly always made exceptions.

As usual, she arrived just as breakfast was being served, and as usual, some part of Potter Incorporated was present to disturb her meal. This horrific morning ritual never failed to occur; in fact, for most of the students at Hogwarts, breakfast wasn't officially a meal unless some sort of disturbance erupted due to a partisan of the Marauders grandly inconveniencing Lily Evans.

On this particular morning, James Potter, leanly muscled Quidditch Captain and ingenious mischief maker, had decided that he would bestow a blessing on the suffering soul of Lily Evans.

"Oh, come on, Evans. You know we'd make a great pair, with your eyes and my…well, there's really too much for me to be able to pin one particular characteristic, but in any case, I'm positive that our children will be beautiful." Hazel eyes sparkled at their master's wit, and Lily resisted the urge to throw the last vestiges of her pumpkin juice at her nemesis' smirking face. Instead, she gulped the rest down and stood up.

"I can only imagine the horror, and pray that there will never be any small Potters to terrorize the world. For the sake of the magical community, I do hope you're sterile."

Potter grinned, illogically pleased with the path of the conversation so far. "Not to worry, Evans. I'm sure that some form of birth control is available until you're good and ready stop making mad, passionate love on the kitchen table."

Lily grabbed her satchel and turned on her heel, deciding it was too early to continue such a conversation. The thought of ever making love to the grinning buffoon was horrendous and made her head hurt. Having experienced Potter-induced migraines before, Lily decided that this morning was going to be different. This morning, she could do without it.

But then her step slowed as her resolve to escape as the silent martyr weakened. She couldn't let Potter think that she agreed with the concept of sexual intercourse on a dirty table; in his deluded mind, he'd translate her stubborn silence as a hearty agreement. And that just wouldn't do. Lily racked her brain for some witty comment.

The usual whirlwind of thoughts swirled about her mind, a maelstrom of appointments and theories. Her striped stockings needed mending. Did an axe-murderer actually commit homicide with an axe? She had to oversee the Prefects' meeting at six…

Well, fine. Forget clever. She'd have to settle for something generally insulting.

"Never in anyone's worst nightmare, Potter, would anyone shag you. Anywhere," she threw over her shoulder as she continued towards freedom. It wasn't the best she could do, but it was early, and it was Potter.

James stared after her, offhandedly noticing how the sunlight filtering through the windows of the Great Hall flickered across her vibrant auburn hair, bringing the fieriest highlights out. When she disappeared from view, he put his head in his hands and sighed. Sirius recognized the symptoms and quickly nudged him. Let Prongs sigh once like that, and the rest of the day was devoted to moping. James moping, in Sirius' mind, equated to boredom. And boredom was more frightening than a seeing his mother bang a house elf.

Sirius nudged him with increased urgency. "Well, now. It appears that Evans isn't so innocent after all. She can talk the talk…but can she walk the walk?" Sirius executed the patented eyebrow-wiggle that always provoked a decent response.

James punched Sirius in the shoulder and scowled.

Sirius hid his panic as he implemented his eyebrow-wiggle once more.

Despite his attempts at righteous anger, James' mood visibly lightened as a grin stole across his features and disrupted his masculine scowl that he practiced on occasion in the mirror. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. All was well. The storm had passed. Boredom had been evaded.

"You aren't one to judge, Padfoot. I sincerely doubt that you walk the walk, either. Unless Erasmus Knapp's baby really was yours."

"Please. If any woman was lucky enough to bear my child, it would not resemble a garden gnome. Or the girl, for that matter. It would look like me. A small, brilliant Sirius-child. It would be a blessing to mankind."

"I don't know what's worse: looking like you or a garden gnome. And in my deep studies of the human psyche, I read that small children who are surrogates of their father have intense murderous desires to commit patricide. Which, considering who the father would be, I completely understand."

Remus, who had been distractedly shoving his porridge about as he studied his Runes chart, looked up and rolled his eyes. James Potter would never open a book unless he was force-fed a behavior altering potion.

"Speaking of books…" Sirius began, and he held up a leather-bound book titled Love Regressed. "I think the ravishing object of your affections left this. I suppose that means she really does hate you; she was in such a rush to get way from your hideous face that she forgot all about one of her precious books."

James eagerly grabbed the novel out of Sirius' hands. "I'll just return it to her, then. Show her how much of a gentleman I am."

This time it was Sirius who rolled his eyes.

"Right. Well, while you're busy raping Evans in some forgotten closet, I'm sure the book will come into use as a pillow."

James glared at his friend. "Any action I receive will be strictly consensual and won't be in a broom closet. Unlike you, I don't feel the need to hide in small, cramped, dusty rooms with locks."

Remus looked up from his homework. "Sort of makes you wonder exactly who Sirius is hiding with in those closets."

The only one left unscathed from the ensuing food fight was Peter, who had brilliantly scrambled under the table at the first sight of trouble. He was a simple man who loved Shepard's pie and sleep; whoever Sirius was hiding in the closets was none of his business. Peter sank lower under the table as surprised yelps rent the air while collateral damage was collected.

He reached for the pumpkin pasty he had dropped earlier that night and munched on the edge. No, he wasn't one for fighting, even if Sirius was gay.

.o&o.

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