The Way I Loved You
"You look beautiful today." Mike said with a smile as he led me towards his car.
"Thanks." I mumbled softly.
Mike casually threw an arm around my shoulder and kissed the top of my head. I internally sighed. This was the same way it was basically every Saturday. He always took me out to lunch at 11:30 to the same diner and we'd get the same meal. It was our routine. It was just fine.
He opened the door for me as he always did, and I smiled politely at him. I watched him as he shut my door and walked around the front of the car to the driver's side. Mike was a very good looking guy. He was an inch or so taller than me, and he had spiky blonde hair. He was pretty tan for living in such a sunless town. He was basically the poster child for the preppy jock that every girl wanted to date in high school. Well…every girl but me.
Don't get me wrong, I really care for Mike. I love him…but I still wasn't sure I was in love with him. I wasn't sure if I ever could be. My heart was taken long ago, and I don't think I'll ever get it back. And if I was being truthful, I don't think I ever want it back. I'd rather have him break my heart a thousand times then to have never of met him.
Flashback:
I hated being the new girl. I haven't been able to go anywhere in this stupid school without eyes on me, and when you're so clumsy you're almost disabled, that's never a good thing.
All things considered though, I couldn't say it was completely horrible day. I'd already made a few friends. Alice Cullen, a short girl with black hair and an endless amount of energy, was the first to approach me. She was so sweet and nice and made me feel more comfortable than I'd felt since my parent's made me move to this town. She introduced me to her boyfriend, Jasper Whitlock, who was a year older than us (a senior), her cousin Emmett Cullen, who was also a senior, and his girlfriend, Rosalie Hale. They were all very nice and I felt completely at ease.
That was until they introduced me to him.
I was sitting in lunch with Alice, Jasper, Rose, Emmett, and Angela, a girl who had been in my first period English class, when I first saw him.
I felt a presence behind me, but figured it was just from the normal crowdedness of the cafeteria and paid it no attention. Until I heard his velvety voice, and I could no longer ignore it.
"Hey, Ali." I heard him say. I turned around to see the most beautiful boy I had ever seen staring across the table at Alice. He was so beautiful. He was tall, at least six inches taller than me with wild bronze hair and piercing green eyes. His skin was so pale; it was probably paler than mine. He was wearing a black "Nirvana" t-shirt along with some ripped up blue jeans and a pair of worn out converses.
"Hey, Edward." Alice said with a smile. Edward smiled back and my breath caught in my throat. It was slightly crooked, but that only made it more beautiful. "Have a seat."
He walked over to the seat across from me and sat down. His eyes finally landed on me and I noticed he froze momentarily. He quickly shook himself of whatever stunned him and smiled at me.
"And who is this?" He asked, smirking.
Alice's eyes flashed back and forth between me and Edward.
"Edward, this is Bella. She just moved here from Phoenix."
Edward refocused his full attention on me and then smiled, his green eyes scorching as he extended his hand towards me.
"Hello, Bella." He said. I loved the way my name sounded on his lips.
"Edward." I said as I extended my hand to reach his.
The instant our hands touched, my heart picked up its pace. My skin tingled.
That was the moment my entire life changed.
End of Flashback
"Bella?" I heard Mike's voice, and that snapped me out of my thoughts. The rough sound of his voice made me flinch slightly after the memory of Edward's smooth speech.
"Yeah?" I asked.
"Are you okay?" He asked. He reached his hand out and placed it on my leg. I stared at his hand and then looked up into his eyes. He nodded and removed his hand, smiling softly. That was one good thing about Mike. He respected my space.
He turned the music on to what he thought was my favorite station, even though it really wasn't. I preferred rock and classical, two styles that go together like onions and chocolate ice cream. Only Edward knew that, respected that. Mike figured that I liked pop and rap like the rest of the girls. I didn't mind that style, but I just preferred rock and classical.
Over our usual lunch, we prattled on about school, mainly the last track event that he had participated in. It was spring, the beginning of April, and Mike was excited to be in track again. He made this lunch easy for me, going on and on about the coach, the meets, and how much his times had improved this season. I smiled and nodded as though I was listening, but my mind was still somewhere else. It was where my heart was. With Edward.
Flashback:
"Oh, shoot!" Alice exclaimed as she stood in the kitchen, her eyes narrowed at the recipe book in front of her.
"What's wrong?" I asked as I walked over to her from where I was standing by the fridge.
"We forgot the stupid vegetable oil. I could have sworn we just bought some." She mumbled as she danced over to her purse. We were doing a really stupid home economics project. Our group-made up of just me and Alice-had to make a cake. All the other kids in the class had to make one too. It was kind of like a contest. Whoever came up with the most creative and tasty cake received an A on the project.
"I'm going to run to the store really quick. I'll pick up a few other things just in case." She said.
I nodded. "'Kay. I'll just start working on the design or something." I said.
She smiled and nodded. "Sounds good. I'll be back soon."
She ran out the door, leaving me alone in the huge Cullen mansion. I turned and looked out the huge window that basically made up the back of the house.
I had been in Forks for about a month now, and I actually felt quite at home. I loved the entire Cullen family. Alice's parents, Carlisle and Esme, were two of the sweetest people ever. Rose, Emmett, and Jasper were always around, so I was getting close to them.
Edward and I had gotten along pretty well, but things were…awkward. Either he felt the same attraction I did, or just knew how I felt so he was always skittish around me. Whatever the reason, he was always…tense around me. It was like he had to watch his every action while he was with me.
I heard a throat clear behind me and yelped, turning around so fast I almost knocked myself over. Edward was standing in the doorway, smirking.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He said as he smiled at me.
"It's okay. I just didn't hear you come in."
He took a few steps toward me, his eyes suddenly conflicted. When he finally reached me, my face was probably redder then a tomato. I always blushed whenever he got close to me.
The corner of his mouth lifted, turning his serious expression into one that made my knees week.
He sighed. "Why are you so impossible to resist?" He asked as he reached out and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear. He then moved his hand to cup my cheek.
At first all I could think was "Oh my goodness he's touching me!" but then my mind finally slowed down, and I could put a sentence together.
"What are you talking about?" I asked as my brow furrowed in confusion.
He rubbed his thumb up and down my cheek bone. "I've tried so hard to resist you, Isabella Swan, but you are making that very hard."
I bit my lip as I stared at the smoldering looking in his eyes and came up with the only response my mind was capable of thinking of.
"Huh?"
He laughed. "Your cluelessness just adds to how endearing I find you." He sighed and stepped a little closer to me. "You scare the hell out of me."
Then it was my turn to let out a slightly hysterical laugh. I looked down at myself. "Yes, because I'm so threatening."
He smiled. "Bella, I've felt things this past month I've never felt before. The moment I laid eyes on you…when our hands touched. Everything changed."
I smiled at him, and then averted my eyes as my face turned red. "Don't think you're the only one who felt it. I've been trying to resist you too."
He smiled brighter than I've ever seen him smile and then moved his hand from my face to my waist, pulling me into him. I automatically snuggled into his chest, loving the way it felt so natural to do so. His smell was intoxicating. You couldn't bottle that smell. It was uniquely Edward.
"So, why don't we stop resisting? It would make life a lot easier on the both of us." He suggested with a smirk on his face.
"Is this your way of asking me out?" I said shyly, peeking up at him through my lashes.
He smiled and tilted my face up all the way. "Yes, Bella. That was my way of asking you out."
I looked at him for a moment and bit my lip. Then I got a sudden burst of courage. I leaned up and kissed his lips lightly. In that one small chaste kiss, I felt so much. I didn't know it was possible to feel that much.
He had a small smile on his face when I pulled away and his eyes were close. After a very tense moment of silence on my side, he opened his eyes, and they were sparkling.
"Is that your way of saying yes?" He asked with a smile.
I laughed lightly and smiled back at him. "Yes, Edward. That is my way of saying yes."
He laughed with me, and then pulled me in for another kiss, this one longer and more passionate, but still very sweet.
And that was the moment I gave my entire heart to Edward Cullen.
End Flashback
I snapped myself out of my thoughts and tried to focus back on what Mike was saying.
"…and even though we have the next two weeks off for spring break, coach is making us practice most days. You should come watch me practice sometime. You'd like it."
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. "Uh, maybe." I said as I put on my best smile.
We finished eating and Mike paid the bill as I put my jacket back on. I caught a brief glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I cringed. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. It only reinforced the reasons Edward left me. I was so plain, and he was the best looking guy in high school. It still astounds me that he stayed with me as long as he did. He was just so amazing…well most of the time.
Flashback:
I paced my room, cell phone in hand. He was late, as usual. And I don't mean five minutes "oops sorry, there was traffic" late, I mean he was supposed to pick me up at 9:30pm- to get something to eat and then going to see some unknown band play in Port Angeles-and it was working on 2am. And I was pissed. I was completely furious!
"Damn it Edward!" I yelled to the empty room. He always did this, but he's never been this late before. So not only was I pissed, I was worried. Was he okay? He did drive like a maniac, so it wouldn't be completely crazy to think he had gotten in a car accident on the way over here. But then again, I was pretty sure Esme or Carlisle would have called me to let me know something was wrong.
I glanced at my phone again, seeing it was now 2:15. It was 2:15, and I was exhausted. I walked over to my window once more, wishing more than anything that I would see the headlights from his car coming down the road, but there was nothing. Just the darkness of the night. I sighed and walked over to my bed. I put my cell phone on the bed next to my head, just in case he decided to grace me with a phone call, and then I fell asleep quickly.
I woke up a while later to the sound of my cell phone ringing. I looked at my clock and saw it said 4:30. Ugh! I didn't even bother looking at the caller ID.
"What?" I asked the mystery caller, though I already had a clue as to who it was.
"Bella, sweetheart-" Edward started but I cut him off.
"Don't go being all sweet with me right now Edward. What the hell happened to you? Are you alright?" I had to get the most important stuff out of the way right now.
"I'm fine." He answered with a sigh.
"Then what happened. You were supposed to get me at 9:30! It's freaking 4:30 in the morning!"
He started talking quickly. "Bella, please, just calm down. I'm outside right now. Just come out side and talk to me."
"Ugh, you're lucky I-I'm a nice person, or else I would not be willing to even talk to you right now." I almost blew my cover. Edward and I hadn't said that we loved each other yet. I had wanted to a few times, but I was so afraid of rejection that I always stopped myself.
"Thank you, Bella." He said.
"Yeah, whatever. I'll be down in a minute." I said bitterly as I snapped the phone shut. I walked over to my closet and threw on a pair of jeans and slipped a bra under the blue tank top I was wearing. I grabbed my sneakers and threw them on, and then hurried down the stairs, doing my best to keep quiet. I was sure my parents wouldn't care that Edward was here, but they both had jobs to get to in the morning and were always in bad moods when they didn't get enough sleep.
I walked out the front door and he was there, waiting for me. His eyes were already pleading. I'm sure mine were full of anger.
I closed the distance to where he was standing, and he just stared at me for a minute.
"Well, come on, Cullen. Let's hear it." I prodded after I got tired of the silence.
"I'm so sorry, Bella. I got home from school and fell asleep, and when I woke up, it was already 8. One of the guys called-"
"Oh Lord! Here were go with "the guys" excuse." I yelled as I rolled my eyes.
"Bella, please. I feel horrible. We just went to Tyler's house, and were playing some music, and I just lost track of the time."
"You lost track of the time for eight hours. Wow. That really shows who's first on your priority list. I mean, I have no problem when you hang out with your friends, but honestly. If you promise me that we're going to do something, I expect you to keep your-" then something dawned on me. He was at Tyler's house. Tyler was going out with Tanya. Edward's ex girlfriend, Tanya. The whole school knew that she wanted him, but he dumped her for me. And now, she used every opportunity to show Edward what he was missing.
And I knew what he was missing. Tanya was beautiful. She always looked as if she had just walked of the cover of a magazine. And she could give him things that I wasn't ready to give. And she was determined to get him back. And I was so afraid I was going to lose him.
"Was she there?" I asked quietly.
"Listen, sweetheart. I just went to Tyler's for-"
"Was she there?" I screamed. He was avoiding the subject, and that was all the confirmation I needed.
"Yes!" He yelled back. "I don't see why you get so worked up about her being around me! I don't like her like that anymore, and she knows that!"
By this point, it was pouring down rain, and I was getting soaked. But I was far to pissed off and fired up to care.
"I don't like her being around you for the same reason you don't like Jacob being around me! Just because they know we don't like them like that doesn't mean that they don't still hold feelings for us!" I screamed so loud, my throat was beginning to hurt. "God! How do you not see the way she flaunts herself in front of you? I'm surprised you haven't just dumped me for her already!"
He clenched his teeth together and glared at me. "Don't even compare the situation with Tanya to the situation with Jacob! He has actually tried things on you. Tanya may lay it out there, but she's never made a move. And I would never dump you for Tanya!" He seethed.
"And why not?" I asked, stepping closer to him. "She's tall, beautiful, has big knockers. And she's easy! Why would you not leave me her for her?"
He glared at me with the full force of his eyes. "Because I'm not in love with her! I'm in love with you!"
I just stared at him for a moment, shock going through my whole body. "What?"
"I'm in love with you! I've been in love with since the first moment I saw you in the cafeteria. I've only fallen more in love with you over these past six months."
I was shocked, and the fact that he just said he loved me wasn't really setting in. "He loves me" I thought. "He loves me."
I jumped on him, wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He stumbled back slightly, but kept standing and wrapped his arms around me.
"I love you too." I said with the excitement and love dripping off of my every word. I leaned in and kissed his lips, and he responded enthusiastically.
We kissed for a little while longer until I started shivering from the rain. He took me inside, carrying me all the way to my bedroom. He waited in there while I changed into my sweat pants and oversized hoodie. Then, he stayed the night. We simply held each other and stole kisses once in a while. Since it was a Saturday, we slept in late and then spent the entire next day together.
That was the day I knew that he was the one, and that he was essential to my survival.
End flashback
Someone Mike was friends with came into the diner before we made it out the door, and Mike insisted on talking to them for a few minutes. I lied, telling him I wasn't feeling well, so he gave me the car keys so I could go wait for him outside.
I walked outside and the cool air of a spring day hit me, making me shiver slightly. I kept my head down slightly, trying to stay warm.
"Hey Beauty!" I heard Emmett's familiar voice say from behind me. I smiled before even turned around, a genuine smile my friends saw rarely. He started calling me beauty not long after I got here, saying that I reminded him of Bell from "Beauty and the Beast", because I always had my nose in a book, and because I had tamed the beast. In other words, Edward. I hadn't seen Emmett since Christmas break, and I had missed him terribly.
Before I could even turn around fully, Emmett had picked me up into one of his normal hugs. In other words my feet were off the ground, and I had limited oxygen. My head was thrown over his shoulder, and I laughed…until I opened my eyes and saw who was standing only a few feet behind Emmett.
Alice was standing there, her eyes wide and troubled as she stared at me. And next to Alice was Edward.
His green eyes were wide and surprised as he looked at me. His expression was one I didn't understand. He hadn't changed much. His hair was slightly longer and more untamed than last time I'd seen it. He had stubble covering his face, which I had to admit, made him look sexy. But there was one major difference.
I had noticed it during our last encounter. Normally, you could always tell how Edward was feeling by looking in his eyes. They were also so full of expression and emotion. But now, they were slightly…dead. They didn't look happy. They didn't have the love that I missed so much. They were like that the last time I'd seen him. That awful day that set me on a downwards spiral.
Flashback
I smiled into the mirror as I got ready to go out. Edward had just graduated last week and I was taking him out to dinner tonight as my way of saying congratulations. We hadn't gotten to spend much time together since then, since he was busy getting things in line for college.
He was going to Dartmouth, along with Emmett and Jasper, and he was really excited. I was happy for him and very proud…but there was still that little part of me that didn't want him going. I was going to miss him terribly, and the thought of him leaving killed me. But this was his dream, and I wasn't going to stand in the way of it.
Edward had been acting a bit strange lately, if I was being honest. He never really offered anything anymore. I always had to call him and text him. I was the one who had to try and see him. It was weird. I missed him terribly. I figured he was just preoccupied with getting ready, but I just had this feeling. Something very wrong was happening.
Edward told me that he would meet me at my house and then I just assumed that we would drive up to Port Angeles in his car.
How wrong I was.
He was a few minutes late as usual, so I was already outside waiting for him when the silver Volvo pulled up in front of the house. I started walking towards him, but I stopped in surprise when he turned off the car and got out.
He walked over to me, and that's when I first noticed his eyes. They were completely void of any emotion, just hard and empty.
"Can we talk for a second?" He asked. I nodded uncertainly, and he grabbed my hand and led me back inside the house.
Once inside, he closed the door, and I made my way over to the couch. He stood in the door way for a second and just looked at me for a few minutes, both of us not saying anything. Just as I was about to break the silence and ask him what his problem was, he finally spoke.
"This isn't working for me anymore." He said as he stared at me.
I just stared back, my brow furrowing as I tried to figure out what he meant. With a roll of my stomach, I figured it out.
"You're…breaking up with me?" I asked.
He hesitated than nodded. "I think it's for the best."
I scoffed. "And why do you think that?"
He rolled his eyes, which were still emotionless. "Oh, come on. We always fight; you're always attacking me whenever I'm with my friends just because Tanya is there. It's just…not worth it."
I heard what he was trying to really say. What I've known all along. I wasn't worth it. I just stared at him, and I swear, I could feel my heart breaking.
But I didn't understand this either. Just last week he told me he loved me. How much he needed me in his life. How he would never be good enough for me. This made no sense.
"Plus, I'm going to college now. I want to have my options open. I'm going to need to find someone who is more in my league."
That's when it finally hit me. He was really doing this. He finally realized what I had known all along. I wasn't in his league. I didn't deserve him.
"Well…if that's what you think is best." I whispered. I didn't trust my voice to speak any louder.
"I do." He said. I tried to find any emotion in his eyes, anything that could contradict what he was saying, but there was nothing. He felt nothing for me anymore.
He walked over to the couch and leaned down to kiss my forehead. I could feel his breath rustle my hair.
"Goodbye, Bella. Take care of yourself." And then he walked away from me. I could only hope that he was all the way out the door before I broke down into sobs.
I sat there for about five minutes, sobbing on the couch, until I felt the aloneness creep up on me. I needed someone to be with me. Charlie was up at Billy's fishing for the weekend and Rene was out shopping in Seattle with some friends. So I pulled out my cell phone and called Alice. I knew that it may have been a bad choice, seeing as it was Edward's sister, but I needed someone.
It rang twice before she answered.
"Bella! I was just about to call you. After you get back from your date with Ed-"
Then she seemed to hear me sobbing and stopped her rant.
"Bella! Oh my God. What's wrong?" I didn't answer. I couldn't find words. "Bella! Please! You're scaring me!" I could hear Esme and Carlisle's voices in the background, asking what was wrong.
"Ali. It's Ed-Edward. H-he broke up with m-me." I managed to stutter out.
"He what?" She yelled.
I started sobbing harder. "He told me that-that he needed s-s-someone more in his league and th-that I wasn't w-worth it!"
"What the hell! What is wrong with that stupid shit?"
I heard Esme reprimand Alice for her language and Alice explain what was going on.
"I'm coming, Bella." Alice said. I could hear her running around her house and getting her stuff together. "Just stay on the phone with me until I get there okay? It's gonna be-"
She cut off suddenly and I heard her growl…well the Alice version of a growl.
"What is your problem you stupid shit head!" I heard her yell at someone.
I could hear his voice in the back, saying something about he did what was best for the both of us and that we'd realize that one day.
"No Edward." Alice seethed. "You did what you thought was best for you. You never thought about the pain you were going to cause." And with that I heard a door slam. Ten minutes later, Alice was over at my house, and she spent the night holding me while I cried.
End of Flashback
Emmett finally set me down and smiled at me. I turned my attention back to his face and couldn't help but smile back.
"So my little beauty, how have you been?" He asked.
I shrugged. "I'm okay. How are you? What about Rose? How's she doing?" Rosehad gone to college somewhere else. I knew it wasn't far from Dartmouth, so they saw each other often.
He smiled. "She's great. I'm actually getting ready to pop the question." He said. Emmett laughed when I squealed and jumped on him again.
"Oh! That's great! Congratulations, Em. I'm so happy for you two."
He smiled. "Thanks, Bells. So what's been going on with you? How's Mike?"
Just as he said this, Alice and Edward decided to come up next to him.
"Uhh…" I looked at the ground, not quite sure how to respond. "The same, I guess." I said with a shrug. I didn't look back up at them, but I could feel his eyes on me. It was like a laser searing through me.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up slightly to see that it was Alice. Her eyes were concerned as she looked at me. She mouthed the words "I am so sorry" to me, and I nodded, waving her off.
I glanced over at Edward, only meaning to peek at him then look away, but he held my gaze and I couldn't look away. When he finally spoke, it was like his voice hadn't changed one bit. It was still as smooth as velvet and made me weak at the knees.
"Hello, Bella." He said quietly. I took a moment to study him again. His eyes were a little bit brighter now, not as emotionless as there wer a few moments ago.
"Hi, Edward." I said as I suck another glance at him.
"How are you?" He asked. The way he sounded…it was like the answer was vital.
I shrugged. "I'm fine. You?"
"I'm fine."
At that point, Mike walked out the door and over to me. He smiled at me, but I couldn't find it in me to smile back.
"Hey babe." He said to me. I looked away from Mike and over to Alice. I rolled my eyes and she suppressed a laugh.
"Hey, Newton." Emmett said to Mike.
"Hey, Emmett. How's it going?" He turned to look in Edward's direction. "Hey, Cullen."
Edward just nodded at Mike, not giving him a real greeting.
"You ready to go?" Mike asked me. I shrugged and nodded, not really caring. I was exhausted already, and I just got up a few hours ago.
"Well it was good seeing ya, beauty!" Emmett said as he picked me up in another hug. I hugged him back. "You are going to have to come visit me and Rose soon." He put me back on my feet. "She's flying in tomorrow."
"I will defiantly come by. Just call me or something and let me know when's best." I said as I smiled at him.
"Okay, I will. See you tomorrow then." He said as he placed a kiss on my head. I giggled as he winked at me and he laughed.
I started to turn around when I heard Edward say "It was good seeing you, Bella."
I looked back at him and tried to smile. "It was good seeing you, too." I said, and I was telling the truth. Although it hurt me to see him, I craved it. I loved him so much still.
"I'll talk to you later, Bella!" Alice said. "Call me tonight."
I smiled at Alice, being able to tell she was worried about me. I turned back and hugged her. "I'm fine." I whispered into her ear. It was a lie, but she didn't need to know that.
"I'm not stupid." She whispered back. Then out loud she said, "Talk to you later, Belle."
I rolled my eyes at him, and Alice laughed as I walked back to where Mike was. He opened the car door for me and I sighed as I slid into the passenger's seat.
As we went down the road, Mike prattled on about how my father was going to take him to the shooting range. Mike wanted to be a police man when he graduated and that thrilled Charlie. They would go on about things Charlie had done when he was sheriff down in Phoenix. It was a lot more action filled down there. My father and my mother both loved Mike. I sometimes feel like they love him more than me. They always rave about what a wonderful boy he is and how happy he makes me. Can no one see that I'm faking a smile?
Next thing I knew, we were pulled up outside my house. Mike looked over at me as he unbuckled his seat belt and I unbuckled mine. He leaned over and cupped my cheek. I repressed a sigh as he leaned in and kissed my lips. The only word I could come up with to describe kissing Mike was…comfortable. That was it. It wasn't bad. Mike was a pretty good kisser. But there was no spark, no intense fire that would burn through my entire body. It was like shaking hands with someone when I kissed Mike. There was no feeling.
"Are you okay, Baby? I know it must have been hard seeing Edward today." He said, his voice sympathetic has he put his hand on my leg.
I brushed his hand off and he sighed. "Bella, what's going on with you? I love you, but your acting so weird. You barely let me touch you anymore. What's wrong?"
I sighed. "Mike, you knew I still loved him when you came into this relationship. You're the one who said you thought you could change that. And I'm the one who said that nothing would change."
He studied me for a moment. "You seriously still love him?" He asked. His face was serious.
I looked straight into his eyes. "I always have. I'll never stop."
He groaned. "Bella, how can you love him? All you guys ever did was fight! I heard you, Alice, and Rosalie talking about him in school. He was always late and you were always fighting."
I finally snapped, because this is what no one understood. "But that's the thing! I miss screaming and fighting with him! I miss breaking down and coming undone! Because no matter what, he was there to fix it! It may have been hard, but that's the way I loved him. That's the way I'll always love him. I wouldn't want him any other way."
Mike just looked at me for a few minutes as he processed what I was saying, and then he finally spoke.
"Bella, I think it's time we end this. I love you a lot, but I know that you can't love me back."
I sighed. "I do love you, just not in that way. As a friend. I'm sorry." I said.
"Yeah, me too." He said. He grabbed my hand and kissed it lightly. "I hope it works out for you, Bella. I hope he gets the guts to tell you that he loves you."
I rolled my eyes. "I don't think that is gonna happen." I said as I got out of the car. "He doesn't love me anymore." I shut the car door.
He leaned over the passenger's seat and rolled down the window. "Trust me. I saw the way he was looking at you. He loves you."
And with that, Mike pulled out of the driveway with one last wave in my direction. I sighed and walked into the house.
After a little while of sitting home by myself-Charlie was fishing again with Billy and Rene was spending the day with a few of her friends in Port Angeles- I couldn't stand it anymore. I called Alice. I figured she would be on her way home right about now, so maybe she could stop by.
"Hello?" She answered the third ring.
"Hey, Ali. Do you think that we could do something? I need to talk to you." I asked, my voice week.
"Yeah, sure. Um…well, Carlisle and Esme kind of grounded me from going to friends' houses, but I'm sure they would be okay with you coming over."
I sighed. I knew this meant more Edward exposure, but I was surprisingly okay with that. I wanted to find out if Mike was right. Was there any part of Edward left that still loved me? And if so, did that mean there could be a future for us? I didn't want to hope, but I had to.
"Sure. I'll be there in a while."
"Bella, we're on our way home right now. I'll just stop by and get you. Save gas and all that jazz."
I giggled. "Ever the economist. Okay, that sounds good. I'll see you in a few."
After we hung up, I ran up the stairs. If I was gonna be around Edward, I was gonna try to look somewhat decent.
I threw on my favorite pair of jeans-dark skinny jeans-which Alice had complemented on many occasions. I guess they make my butt look good. Then I put on the shirt that I hadn't worn in the longest time. It was Edward's favorite on me. It was dark blue and long, going down past my butt. The sleeves were long and went down past my knuckles. I then put on a little bit of eyeliner and my favorite pair of converses.
I wanna kiss you (huh)
But if I do then I might miss you, babe (huh)
It's complicated and stupid (huh)
Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid (huh)
Guess he wants to play, wants to play
A love game, a love game (huh)
I rolled my eyes as I jumped at my phone. Alice always liked to download new ringtones on my phone according to her current favorite song. I always knew when she was calling me.
"Seriously Alice. Love Game?" I asked with a laugh as I answered my phone.
"Hold me and love me, just wanna touch you for a minute." Alice sang back at me, and I giggled.
"We're here." She said after our laughter died down.
"Okay, I'm coming." I said and then shut my phone.
I peeked out the window in my room to see the oh-so-familiar silver Volvo parked in my drive way. Great. I ran down the stairs and checked my hair once more before going outside. I shut the door behind me and walked to Edward's car. I looked up as I got closer to the car and saw Edward driving it, as usual, with Emmett in the passenger's seat. As soon as I was in earshot, Emmett rolled down his window.
He whistled. "Wow! Someone's looking hot!" Emmett yelled.
I laughed and blushed as I opened the door behind Emmett and slid into the car, where I found Alice smiling brightly at me. She was looking through her IPod, which was connected the main council.
"Hey Belle." She said as I buckled my seatbelt. She settled on the song Love Game and looked over at me, smirking. "Just for you." She said with a laugh.
"I don't mind the song, but please, turn it down!" I said. I felt the car start to move as Alice turned the music down.
It was quiet for a minute, but then Emmett, being tactful as always, broke the silence.
"So where's Mikey? The way Alice put it, I figured he be stuck up your butt the rest of the night."
I sighed and then looked over at Alice. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." I said quietly.
"Oh no. Why do I have to kick his ass?" Alice asked while her eyes narrowed and she scowled.
"We broke up." I said, cutting Alice off from her rant.
Alice paused the music and the whole car was dead silent. I risked a glance up at Edward and saw that he was looking at me in the review mirror and that his hands were clamped on the steering wheel. Could it possibly be hope I saw in his eyes?
"What happened? Who broke up with whom?" Alice demanded.
I sighed again. "Well, he broke up with me, but I kind of initiated it."
"And how did you 'initiate' it?" She demanded.
I smiled slightly. "I kept pushing him away every time he tried to touch me." I said.
"Well that makes my job a lot easier." Emmett interjected from the front. "Now I don't have to rip his hands off."
Out of my peripheral, I saw Edward nod in agreement with Emmett. I rolled my eyes.
"There was more to it than that." I defended.
Alice looked over at me. "Like what?" She hedged.
I sighed, trying to figure out how to word this without it being too obvious. "He got tired of the fact that I couldn't love him." I said as I glanced up at Edward in the mirror. He was looking straight back at me. "He knew that when he got into the relationship, but he thought he could change it. He didn't. He knew…" I cut of, knowing I was heading into dangerous territory.
It was quiet for the rest of the ride back to the Cullen's house, only the music playing that Alice had started up again.
When we were about half way there, I heard Alice flipping through her IPod, searching for something. She had this mischievous glint in her eyes that bothered me. And as soon as the song started up, I knew why.
The strands in your eyes, that color them wonderful, stop me and steal my breath…
I glared at Alice and then swiftly glanced at Edward. He was looking at me; his expression was so overwhelming it took my breath away. This was our song. We had so many memories shared listening to this song. Edward and I held eye contact for what seemed like forever, but it was probably only a few moments. He turned his eyes back to the road after a while, and I turned my glare back to Alice. She smirked at me, seeming rather proud of herself. I pulled out my phone and texted her.
What the heck are you doing? This is so not funny!
-B
I heard my ringtone go off on her phone. It was the only song that she agreed with, saying most things I liked were to "Emoish" and "Depressing." It was one of the very few Pop/Rap songs that I liked. It was Richman, by 3OH!3, one of my personal favorite bands.
A few moments later, my phone went off with her reply.
It may have not been funny, but it was necessary.
-Ali
I just stared at her.
What is that supposed to mean?
-B
You both needed some encouragement. That's all I'm going to say.
Love ya!
-Ali
I turned my head to glare at her again.
"You are no help. At all." I said with a roll of my eyes.
When we finally got to the Cullen's house, we all got out of the car in silence. I went around to Alice's side of the car, where she and Edward were having some kind of silent conversation which stopped the moment I was in ear shot.
Alice smiled brightly when I stood next to her.
"Let's go inside." She said. She grabbed my arm before I could say anything and pulled me along with her. I stumbled nearly falling to the ground. I heard both Edward and Emmett laugh from behind me.
As soon as we were far enough away from them, Alice leaned over and whispered in my ear.
"Did you two break up because of Edward?" She asked as she pulled her key out.
I nodded slowly. "Yeah. He got tired of the fact that I could never love him like that."
She sighed and stuck her key into the door handle.
As soon as we were inside, Alice and I both gasped as we saw the tall blonde man standing in the middle of the foyer. I smiled involuntarily at Jasper. I hadn't seen him in the longest time. He had gone off to a school in Texas, where he was born, and we never got to see him. Alice flew down and saw him for new years, but I hadn't seen him since he left.
Alice ran to him and jumped into his arms, and he held onto her tightly.
"I missed you so much!" I heard Alice sob.
He rubbed her back and kissed her hair. "I missed you too."
After a moment, the other two boys joined us in the foyer, both of them smiling at their friend.
Jasper and Alice backed away from each other after a moment, and Jasper turned to look at everyone else. His eyes went to me first.
"My little Bella." He said, a slight southern drawl in his voice. "You've gotten more beautiful since I last saw you." I blushed at his statement, but laughed and ran over to hug him. Jasper was probably my best friend, if you didn't count Alice. I was close to Emmett, but we fought like brother and sister, probably because he looked after me like I was his little sister.
"I missed you, Jazz."I said with a smiled as I pulled back from him. "You need to come home more."
His face looked slightly concerned as he looked down at me. "I plan to." He said. His eyes became filled with worry, but I couldn't figure out why. He probably was seeing what everyone else failed to see. That I was miserable.
He said a couple hellos to the guys and they exchanged hugs, but they had seen each other not to long before this, so they didn't make a big scene.
We talked for a few minutes in the foyer, everyone in the room seeming completely at ease, but every time Edward and I would even look at each other, I could feel the tension in the room increase tenfold.
After a little while, Jasper leaned down to whisper in Alice's ear. She nodded and said "hurry back."
Jasper walked over to me and offered me his arm. "Would you do the honor of escorting me around the back yard?" He asked, smiling at me.
I giggled slightly. "I would be delighted."
We walked back towards the kitchen, and then out the French doors that led to the backyard. We walked in silence for a few minutes before he spoke.
"Are you okay?" He asked simply. He stopped us both and sat us down on a bench that the Cullen's had in there garden.
I shrugged. "I'm fine, I suppose." I said, trying to wave him off.
He rolled his eyes. "Bella. My little Izzy. Don't lie to me. It's just me. You can tell me anything, you know that."
I sighed and nodded, my eyes welling up with the tears that I've tried to shove back for so long.
"I'm awful Jasper. Nothing has been right since…since that day." He didn't need me to tell him what day I as referring to. He knew. "I mean, I got used to it after a while, got used to feeling like crap, but I can't take it anymore. He left me, my parents got annoyed with me. Then along came Mike, who my parents loved, and yet I couldn't love him. And he just figured that out, so he dumped me. And now, I'm still madly in love with Edward, and there is nothing I can do about it!" I started crying, and Jasper put his arms around me, comforting me.
"I understand, Bella. This must have been hard for you. Have you tried talking to anyone about this?"
I shook my head. "There hasn't been anyone with an unbiased opinion. I couldn't talk to my parents, because they hated Edward, but loved Mike. And it wouldn't have been fair to bring Alice into it, seeing as Edward is her brother. I made them mad enough at each other during the break up, and I didn't want to cause anymore animosity between them."
He hugged me tighter. "You could have called me or something, you know. I would have listened."
I sighed. "I know you would have, but you're in college now. I didn't want to embarrass you by calling on the phone balling while you were with some of your friends or something."
He rolled his eyes. "I don't honestly care what they think. You're my best friend, Bella. I've been worried about you since I left."
"Don't worry about me, Jasper. I'll be fine." I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
He looked down at me with a smile. "I know you will be. But it doesn't stop me from worrying."
I laughed lightly as he stood us up. "I'm going to start calling you, then." He said suddenly. I laughed. "Once a week, I'm going to call you, just to make sure you're okay."
I smiled at him. "If you insist."
We walked side by side back towards the house just talking about normal things, but he stopped me when we reached the door.
"Do you and Alice have any plans tonight?" He asked.
I shook my head. "Nope, I kind of just invited myself over."
He smiled hopefully. "Do you mind if I steal her for the night? I want to take her out to dinner."
I smiled. "You don't have to ask me. I'm sure she'd love that though."
He kissed the top of my head. "Thanks."
We walked back into the house and found everyone, including Esme and Carlisle, congregated in the living room.
Esme smiled at Jasper and I when we walked in. Edward and Alice were sitting on the couch, and Jasper walked and joined them, grabbing Alice's hand instantly. Carlisle and Esme were sitting in two of the lounge chairs, smiling at their family. I went over and plopped down next to Emmett on the love seat. He looked over at me and smirked as he threw is arm over my shoulders and pulled me next to him. I laughed.
Esme looked at all of us, her eyes warm and loving, as they always were. "This is such a wonderful picture! It's just like when you were all in high school." She smiled lovingly at us, and I plastered a smile on my face. It was just like when we were in high school. If so, Edward would be the one with his arm around my shoulder, not Emmett.
Jasper looked over at me, obviously sensing my discomfort, and smiled reassuringly. I smiled back as much as I could, but I'm sure it was more like a grimace.
After Carlisle and Esme left, saying they had plans to go to Seattle for the weekend, Jasper leaned over and asked Alice is she wanted to go out to dinner. She started accepting enthusiastically, but then stopped mid sentence and looked over at me.
"Bella? Do you want me to stay with you, because I totally will." She said, though I could see how much she wanted to go.
"Alice, it's fine. You see me all the time. Go."
She smiled brightly at me. "You can just stay here you know. When I come back tonight, we can talk." I smiled at her and nodded my head, but I had a feeling she wouldn't be coming back tonight.
She squealed and jumped up. "I'll be ready in ten minutes." She promised, which made me burst out into laughter. She turned to glare at me.
"I'm sorry, Alice, but is that even possible." I said, even though it came out slightly garbled due to my laughing. I could feel Edward staring at me, but I couldn't look at him. Even though this laughter was slightly hysterical, it had been a long time since I'd laughed, really laughed.
Alice smiled at me finally and hugged me. "I missed that laugh." She said as she stood back up. I blushed immediately and watched her as she walked away.
There was an awkward silence in the room when Alice left. I could still feel Edward's eyes on me, burning a hole through me. I bit my lip and my blush got worse.
"You okay there, shorty?" Emmett asked. "You bite that lip any harder, you're gonna hurt yourself."
I stopped biting on it and sighed. "Yup. I'm fine."
Edward suddenly got up, looking over at me for a long moment as everyone in the room just stared at him. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but then stopped himself and walked away.
"Ugh!" I groaned, flopping my head on Emmett's shoulder. He squeezed me for a moment before standing up.
"I'll go talk to Mr. PMS. If I'm not back in ten minutes, come check on me." He said with mock fear.
I laughed lightly as he left, leaving just Jasper and I alone again. We prattled on about his college for a while, and then changed the subject to what I was doing after I graduated. About five minutes later, Alice appeared, shocking us both.
"Told you I could do it." She said with a smirk. I laughed at her as Jasper stood up and walked over to her.
"You look beautiful, Ali." He said as he kissed her.
She blushed, and then turned to look at me.
"You can just chill around my house. If you get tired, just go sleep in my room…or something." She said with a wink. I stared at her with confusion, but she and Jasper walked out before I could ask any questions.
I just laid there for a while, flipping on the TV and tried to find a good movie to watch. I settled on some made for TV movie and settled in to watch it, but I couldn't really concentrate. The fact that Edward was just a floor above my head was getting to me. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to ask him what happened. But above all, I just wanted him to hold me. As cheesy as that sounds, that's all I really wanted right now. Mike had held me a thousand times, but I never felt comforted by him. It just made me crave Edward even more.
I was startled out of my train of thoughts when Emmett came barreling down the stairs. He was trying to put on his sneakers and walk at the same time, which was quite funny to watch. I just stared at him questioningly.
"Rose got an earlier flight, and it's going to be landing in an hour. I gotta get my ass up to Seattle. You'll be alright with Edward, right?" He asked as he patted down his jeans for his car keys.
I nodded. "I'll be fine." I lied. I was actually nervous as heck.
He smiled at me. "Okay, I'll see you later, beauty." He said as he ran out the door.
I sighed and turned my attention back to the movie, but tensed up when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. I kept my attention focused on the TV when I heard him enter the room. It was silent, besides the TV. It was actually a good movie from what I could concentrate on. But that concentrate went out the window the moment he opened his mouth.
"Whatcha watching?" He asked as he looked at the TV.
I looked over at him quickly. "Uhh…a Lifetime movie." He looked over at me with his eye brows raised. He remembered. "Yeah, I know I hate them. This one isn't that bad though." I defended myself.
"What's it about?" He asked as he sat down on the couch.
I looked back at the TV. "From what I've seen, it's about a girl with Schizophrenia. She was doing really well for a while, but now she's relapsing, and she doesn't know why. I think it's called Tipping Point. My money is on her Uncle. I don't trust him."
He smiled at me. "I'll take your word for it."
My heart fluttered when he smiled, and I bit my lip before I smiled back. We watched the remainder of the movie together, cheering for myself when indeed, the uncle was the culprit. He was changing around her medication.
After that, I turned off the TV and stretched slightly. The sun was finally starting to set, it being about seven o'clock now. A strange silence took over the room. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't comfortable either. We stayed like that for a while, just sitting there and not saying anything. I wasn't looking at him, but I was very aware of his presence. I could feel the electricity flowing through my body the way it did every time I was with him.
After a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up, stretching my arms in the air and yawning.
"I think I'm going to go upstairs and head to bed." I said. I was always the kind of person to go to bed early, so this wouldn't seem like an escape to him.
He nodded. "Yeah, okay. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow I guess."
I smiled a half smile. I started walking out of the room, but his voice stopped me before I could get out.
"Wait, Bella." He said.
I turned around and looked at him expectantly. "What?"
He opened his mouth, and then closed it again.
He finally sighed. "Good night."
I cocked an eyebrow in confusion, but said "Good night?" It came out like a question.
I went upstairs got changed into some of Alice's pajamas. Even though she was smaller than me, she had a few pajamas that were much too big on her that I usually wore on our last minute sleep overs. I put on some black and blue plaid pajama pants and a black tank top. I flopped back on Alice's bed and sighed.
What was I going to do about Edward? I loved him so much, and I never stopped. The whole time I dated Mike, I was always comparing him to Edward. "Oh, Edward would have done this." Or "Edward wouldn't have done that." He was the only person on this planet for me.
I realized in that moment that if I didn't have him, I wouldn't have anyone else. He was the only one that I wanted, the only one I would ever want. He was my life. Yes, he drove me insane. He was always late, always picking fights, always doing things that he knew would push my buttons, but that's what I loved about him. And no matter how stupid or serious the fight was, he was always there when I needed him.
I sighed as I buried my face in my pillow. I needed to talk to Edward, to ask him what went wrong. I'd change anything for him. Anything. I just wanted him back.
I lay there for a while, thinking about what I was going to do, when I heard it. The familiar sound of Edward's piano. He played random notes for a while, doing some scales and some other songs that were nice, but not as beautiful as Edward's own creations.
I crept out of Alice's room and started heading down the stairs to where the piano was kept. Edward had a private room for his piano. It was right of the foyer, so you could see it when you walked through the doors, but he was isolated slightly when he needed to concentrate. I was careful not to make any noise as I went and stood outside the door. I listened to him play nonsense for about ten minutes.
Just as I was getting my courage up to make my presence known, the music changed. It shifted and morphed into a melody that I knew by heart. He started to play my lullaby. The one he had written especially for me. He said it was inspired by his love for me and I understood it. It sounded like it.
I couldn't help the tears that started streaming down my face. I cried silently as I listened to my lullaby being played by the only man on this Earth who could play it.
As soon as the song ended, Edward stopped playing the piano completely. I heard him sigh, and I peeked in the room to see him holding his head in his hands. As I stared at his devastated looking form, the melody still ringing in my ears, I knew that he still loved me. I don't think he ever stopped. Edward and I were made for each other; there was no denying that fact. So when I finally got the courage, I spoke up.
"Why?"
He must have been completely shocked by my presence, because he jumped and almost fell backwards off the bench. When he finally regained his composure, he looked at me.
"Why what?" He asked as his brow furrowed.
"Why did you lie to me?" I demanded.
He still looked confused as he looked me over. I assumed he finally saw tear streaks on my face, because his expression was immediately concerned.
"Bella, are you okay?"
"Just answer the question, Edward. Why did you lie to me?"
He shook his head. "What are you talking about?"
I sighed and glared at him, trying to find the courage in me. I was making assumptions, but I was 99.9% sure that I was right, but that .1% scared the shiz out of me.
I took a deep breath and spoke.
"Why did you tell me you didn't want me anymore, that you didn't love me anymore, when you clearly do?"
He looked stunned for a moment, just staring at me with wide eyes. He didn't say anything so I kept going.
"Please, just tell me if I'm wrong. If so, I swear I will walk out that door and you will never have to deal with me again. But I need to know. We're you really lying? Are you still in love with me the way I'm still in love with you?" I bowed my head and waited for his response. I bit my lip as I peeked up at him.
His expression was startling. He was half smiling at me, his eyes glittering with hope.
"You still love me?" He asked as he stood up from his piano bench and slowly made his way over to me.
I nodded, my breath coming up short when he was so close to me that I could practically smell him.
"That's why Mike and I broke up. He got tired of the fact that I would always love you, and that I couldn't love him. He put this crazy idea in my head today that…"my confidence wavered, but I pushed forward, "That you loved me too."
Edward hesitated for a moment before reaching out and cupping my cheek. I sighed and leaned into it, another tear escaping my eye.
"Of course I love you, Bella. You're right. I lied. I didn't think it was fair, my going to college and leaving you here. I thought that maybe if we both made a clean break, we could move on…but nothing worked for me."
I rolled my eyes. "That wasn't your decision to make, Edward. I was willing to wait for you, and you took the choice away from me."
"I know. I'm sorry, Bella. More sorry than I have ever been for anything in my entire life."
"Then do me a favor." I said as he wiped away the tears that had fallen.
"Anything, love."
I smiled at him. "Hold me."
He smiled back widely at me and took me into his arms, holding on to me tightly. I breathed in his sent and I felt him doing the same. We just stood there in the piano room for a few minutes, just holding each other and loving each other's presence. He pulled away after a few moments and looked at my face. His eyes drifted down to my lips and he leaned forward. I closed my eyes.
When his lips touched mine, the fire was more intense than ever. I could barely stand it. I wrapped my arms around his neck and let my fingers twine into his hair. He wrapped his arms around me waist and pulled me closer to him.
We kissed in the piano room until Alice came home and squealed loudly, scaring the both of us apart. I was bright red as Edward pulled me against his chest.
"Love you." He whispered.
I smiled, mouthing back "love you, too" before leaning my head back on his shoulder while Alice gushed about how happy she was.
And I was happy too. Now that I had Edward back, I could be happy.
2 Months Later
I sighed as I looked out the window, waiting to see the Volvo pull up. But, as usual, Edward was late.
Two weeks after Edward and I made up, he had to return to college. I tried to be strong the day he left and not cry, but that didn't happen. I ended up crying several times. But at least this time, I knew that he would be coming back to me.
We talked almost every day on the phone. Even if it was only for a few minutes, just to say "Hi" and "I love you." I missed him more and more as each day went by, but I knew it was only a matter of time before summer vacation, where he would come home, and then when fall came around, I would be heading off to Dartmouth to be with him.
He finally got home today, his flight landing at 2:30. I couldn't be there to pick him up because I had to work from 12 till 4, but he had promised to meet me at my house at 5.
It was 5:45, and no sign of Edward.
He had texted me when he landed just to let me know that he had a safe flight and that he would see me at 5. But, in usual Edward fashion, he was late and not answering his cell phone.
I paced in front of the door for a few more minutes before going to sit down in the living room to wait. He'd show up eventually.
At about 6, I heard a car race up the road and screech to a stop outside my house. I rolled my eyes. Ever the reckless driver.
I walked over to the door quickly, my anticipation growing with every second. I was dying inside to see those green eyes.
I heard his usual three quick raps on the door, and waited about five seconds before opening it. I sighed when I finally saw him.
His hair was longer than the last time I saw him. His bangs hanging near his eyes. His green eyes were a mixture of remorse, guilt, and excitement. He was wearing green, my personal favorite color on him, with loose fitting blue jeans.
"Bella, love, I'm so sorry. I know I'm late and you probably want to kill me. But it was an honest mistake. I was tired so I took a nap when I got home and I Alice just woke me up. I'm really sorry, love. I'll make it up to you, I swear."
I let him ramble, all the while keeping my face expressionless. Once he finished with his apology, I just stared at him for a few seconds, watching as his eyes grew more anxious every second.
I decided that I had tortured him enough and I threw myself at him, knocking him backwards slightly. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and my legs wrapped around his waist. He responded quickly, wrapping his arms around me and holding me up. I leaned forward and kissed him hard on the lips. After a moment, I pulled back and he smiled.
"Wow. If that's what you get like when you're mad, maybe I'll infuriate you more often."
I rolled my eyes. "I'm not mad." I said simply.
His brow furrowed. "You're not?" He asked, seeming confused.
"Nope."
He just stared at me for a moment, before cocking an eyebrow.
"Why not?"
I smiled at him. "Because that's just the way you are. You're always late and never responsible and horrible at managing time. But that's just the way I love you."
He smiled at me again before pressing his lips tenderly to mine once more.