One.
He gave me everything. His life. His love. Gale. He wanted me to take it all. And I was going to. Maybe I'm a monster. At least I had planned on bringing him home. But as Haymitch had taught me, everything does not always go according to plan.
My plan had been to save Peeta, have my life with Gale, and lead the rebellion. But here I am, in a tiny room in District Thirteen, having not only failed to save Peeta, but with Gale ignoring me. Gale had been there for me, especially after I first lost Peeta. I suppose he had his own plan - saw Peeta's capture as his chance to have me; to forget that I had been "in love" with Peeta, married to him, and pregnant with his child, all in two years.
But Gale wasn't like Peeta – he couldn't do what Peeta could. Peeta's kindness and gentleness made Gale look like a savage. While Peeta was so willing to do anything for me, Gale was high-strung and annoyed me easily. I didn't get the same rush from being with Gale that I did with Peeta.
That was what I was waiting for. It was the love. I realize that I'm desperately in love with Peeta Mellark. Gale cannot compete with that love. Everyone in D-13 knows that I'm not pregnant or really married. But I do plan on being the latter - if Peeta will have me when we save him. And we will. Because if he dies, so will I. And with that, the rebellion is gone. Haymitch makes sure to remind me of that at least fifty times a week.
Mostly, he just comes to my room to sit with me and stare at the walls. These brilliant blue walls that have me on my knees remembering my Peeta, probably strapped to a table being tortured and experimented on. The thought makes me shudder. My own pain, I can handle. But his unhinges my mind. I should know. They show the horror every night, and, like the Hunger Games...it is mandatory to watch.
The witch will see her son being tortured for information on me...hatred.
My mother will see me crying, pounding my fists into the floor, begging for it to stop...pity.
And my own torture of watching his pain and waiting for Haymitch to save him.
My cheeks actually have permanent tear stains.
Haymitch has come to me many times to discuss his and Peeta's plans in the Quarter Quell and the Seventy-Fourth Hunger Games. Haymitch and Peeta have been talking about angles for Peeta's interview. They had gone through many of them, when Haymitch asked Peeta if he had a girlfriend. Peeta had said no, of course, and proceeded to tell him just how in love with me he was. By the way Haymitch described the conversation I don't know half of how much Peeta loves me.
Peeta asked if that could be used, and Haymitch gave him his angle: Desperately in love. "Be pathetic," he had said. And when I played along, it turned into the rebellion that it had been again... not the plan. In the Quell, we went back to the act; the star-crossed lovers of District Twelve. But before the Games, Peeta made Haymitch swear to bring me back alive. Made him swear to save me and our fictional child. I made him swear the opposite. And then Haymitch lied to me. He had been true to his words to Peeta, but not to mine. He told me that I was the face of the rebellion, and without me there would not be one. He also told me that as long as I live, so will he. That made my will to live multiply a thousand times.
Haymitch also told me of a plan - a plan to save Peeta. I expressed my desire to go along, but Haymitch wouldn't allow it. He said that if Peeta saw me, he wouldn't come. I had to ask why, and his answer stunned me. An expression of sadness crossed his features as he explained. "He thinks you're dead, and that you had chosen Gale. The President told him you were pregnant by Gale, and in love with each other. It crushed Peeta. Then he told Peeta that he tracked you down that very same day and killed you. I've never seen Peeta like that," he said. Seen? "How did you see him?" I asked. "After you went to bed one night, the tv came on again showing Peeta's questioning," Haymitch responded, "They were asking him where you were...if you were really his wife...if you were actually pregnant. If you told him you love him. Then the President told him the lies." I'm heartbroken.
MY Peeta thinks I'm dead – not only that, but that I died in love with someone else. No. That's impossible. I could never love anyone else. Haymitch got up and left. My heart can't take that Peeta still believes these lies. If he thinks I'm dead, then he might not be alive. He could have killed himself. But he won't. He knows I wouldn't want him to, even if it meant being with me.
It seems like it's been years since I've heard any news on my love. Since Haymitch has come to me. As if on cue, Haymitch walks into my room. "We've got him," he says, and smiles. "Come in here, lover boy!"he yells down the hall. Peeta. I see him by the doorway now. As he approaches, I stand slowly. All of a sudden he's close to me, and I fling myself into his arms. "Oh, Peeta!" I cry and cry. He holds me.
He walks me to the bed and we lay there with my head on his chest and his face in my hair. Over and over, the only thing I can think about, the only thing that escapes my lips is a whisper, "I'm in love with you, Peeta." With each word, he holds me more tightly. Then he tells me he loves me, and we kiss until he is out of breath. He gets out of breath so quick. It aggravates me, because then I have to wait once more to kiss him – when I already feel I've waited too long. But he tries.
He pulls me to him, so I am lying on top of him. I don't know why but I'm compelled to ask him this. "Peeta, are you still gonna marry me?" He looks up at me with those big blue eyes. "Yes. If you'll have me." I tear up. "I've waited months for you to come home to me. I've waited months to be your wife. Please don't make me wait much longer," I plead. "Katniss. I've waited eleven years for you to love me. I can't wait either." Then I feel ashamed for being so selfish. Him make me wait? Never.
I wonder if we will have a family. I never wanted children, but with a father like Peeta, they'd be well off. Two Hunger Games victors, married with children? Sounds off, but right. Yes I think we will have a family. Just not tonight. "Peeta, do you want to be a father someday?" I ask stupidly. "Yeah, I suppose. What is this about, sweetheart?" I force myself to admit it out loud when I don't know if I'm really ready, "Because I want to have a family. New Mellarks." He looks down at me. "Of course, baby," he says. I'm happy now.
I have Peeta back...and he still loves me...Marrying him is going to be the best decision I've ever made...and having a family with it.