I could feel his eyes boring into me, like daggers piercing my skin. I knew he was upset, could feel his anger. I was determined to not give in this time, it wasn't my fault. If he'd kept better watch, or didn't trust me as much. It was clear that I wasn't the type to be trusted when it came to my own wants, needs, and desires. I was a monster now; he had to accept that I wasn't the same girl I once was.
"Will you just look at me, please?" Edward's voice was like a hammer in the thick tension in the room. His footfalls were slow and quiet, like he thought I wouldn't hear him.
I turned my head to face him, seeing the distraught look on his face and sighing, "I don't know what to say." And I didn't, I had no idea how you resolved a fight like this. Was I supposed to apologize? I could promise it wouldn't happen again, but that would be a deep, dark lie. I can't lie to him.
"You don't have to say anything. I'm not angry, not at you. You didn't have a ch-"
I cut him off. "How are you not angry?" My words spit out like venom. "You should be furious! It isn't like I accidentally left the front door unlocked, Edward. I killed someone! Someone with a family, friends, hopes, dreams. I took their life and you're acting as if I broke a dish!"
His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose and I knew that I was setting his temper off. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the nearby wall. "Bella…," he looked into my eyes. "You want me to scream at you, tell you all the things that you already know. We both know you're a monster, so am I. We are the creatures they make horror films about. But, I have a handicap when it comes to you. I've already talked to Carlisle about this and he thinks we need to go back to Alaska for a while, maybe even farther north. Just until-"
"Until what? I stop wanting to kill people? Does that really ever end, Edward? You say that I didn't know what I was doing. But, I did! I knew it every second it was happening. From the moment I caught her scent, to the last drop I drank of her blood. I was aware what I was doing and it didn't bother me. That's what I'm afraid of. The truth that I can't be like you, that I'll always crave the flesh of a human over… over.. us." I wished I could cry, it would have eased the tension in my chest. My stomach lurched at where this conversation was going to lead. Knowing that I'd have to leave him, knowing that there was nothing I could do to better this situation, and knowing that my last words to him would be bitter and angry.
His knees seemed to buckle, but if I didn't have the sight I had, I might have missed it. His hands closed themselves around his arms. I tried to meet his eyes, but he'd closed his lids and I could almost hear his thoughts as they ran through his mind at lightning speed. I needed to hear him speak, but dreaded what he was going to tell me.
"I know you love me." It almost sounded like a question.
"You know I do, just as I know you love me, too." My voice faltered at the last syllable.
"Where do we go from here, then? Do you want me to yell at you? Will that make this okay, will that make you stay?"
I crossed my arms in front of my stomach, remembering the last time I'd done this. The feeling in the pit of my abdomen was very familiar, and most definitely not welcome. The emotions threatened to pull me apart, but I wouldn't let them. "You know what has to be done."
"I'm not doing that, Bella. I refuse to; I don't care what I promised you. I just can't, I can't do that to you." He was referring to the promise I'd made him agree to. I knew I wasn't going to take to the Cullens' way of living very easily, but in the chance that I never did, I made him promise to take care of me. I didn't want to wander the earth killing others with abandon. I wanted a clean end, and he promised he'd grant me that if I became too much to bear.
"I don't want to die, Edward; if only because I'd be without you. But, I don't like the odds. I don't like who I am anymore. I'm not Bella, I'm a horrible monster. Please…"
"No. You just need more time, more training. We can do this, Bella. Don't give up, yet. Please, please. For me, please."
I was in his arms before I could hear the final words. I didn't want this to be the end: the end of us, the end of me. I knew in the deepest parts of myself that I wanted things to work out. I wanted the life he wanted for us. If I didn't try just a little harder, he would always blame himself. He never wanted this for me, and I now understood why. I had to make a choice: to live for blood, or for my love.
---
My thirst was insatiable, my throat burned and I could hear every heart within a few blocks. They all beckoned me, calling to my instinct. Begging me to hunt them down, make them my meal. I couldn't, I had to ignore them. I wasn't doing this for myself, not even for the innocent victims that called out to me. I was doing this for Edward, because he believed in me.
"Bella, how are you feeling?" his voice was almost a whisper, as if the slightest jarring noise would break my control. His eyes were full of despair, he was so worried and there wasn't anything I could do to console him.
I closed my eyes as his hands traced the shape of my face. His touch was cooling, freeing. I welcomed it and leaned into his arms. I felt him close in around me and I breathed in his scent. I wanted to move away, make it easier when the inevitable happened; when I had to leave him and break him in two. As much as I wanted to break our embrace, I couldn't. I craved his attention and his closeness. He was my home, and everything that I'd ever wanted. If I left him, I wouldn't survive long on my own. And I knew he wouldn't either.
---
"Edward, I can't stand it anymore! Just do what you promised." My voice sounded thin and strained, which was how I'd felt for weeks. I was trying too hard to be so many things. I couldn't control anything and I was hurting everyone around me with my desires.
"I can't do that, Bella! Why can't you just… just..." He trailed off and turned to face the door. "Someone's here. Go to the bedroom."
"I don't want to be alone."
"You have to be, just go, Bella. Go!" A growl escaped his lips and it was the first time I was truly scared of him. His eyes were black and full of rage.
He lifted me from the couch and threw me into the bedroom. The doors slammed so hard, I was sure they were going to fly off the hinges.
"Don't leave this room, Bella." He yelled as he pushed furniture in front of the doors.
That's when I smelled them. My eyes closed as my nose turned toward the ceiling. God, they smelled delicious. It was like they were sent just for me. A hearty lunch, and possibly dinner, was just footsteps from my grasp. I couldn't help the growls that rumbled in my chest. I wanted them, wanted them more than Edward, more than sex, more than anything.
I was quiet and tried to hear their voices, but heard only Edward's. He was politely asking them to leave, telling them we wouldn't need anything today. There were mumbles, sighs, and angry tones. I didn't understand why I couldn't hear what was going on; was I so thirsty that my senses had started to fail me?
The front door slammed, hard and forceful. I could hear Edward's growls and curses through the walls. I wasn't sure what to expect, but it couldn't be good news. The conversation had seemed so innocent, but Edward was livid. What had been said?
Just then, the doors to the bedroom were ripped open, sending the door knobs crashing to the floor. He looked at me like prey, as if I were the humans that we both desired, but never spoke of. I couldn't read his expression. He was upset, but sad… angered but calm. It was unlike anything I'd ever seen, his face seemed almost foreign. I was terrified.
"I sicken myself." His voice was like a blade, cutting through my skin.
"Edward, what's wrong?" My eyes widened, welcoming an answer.
He sat down next to me on the bed and put his head in my lap. I didn't know what to do; I'd never seen him this way. He was so vulnerable, not like the Edward I knew at all.
"Bella, I don't know what to do. I didn't think it would be this difficult. I haven't fed in weeks to attend to you easier. I almost went too far, I could hear their blood pumping through their warm bodies and could nearly taste…" he looked up at me and his face fell. "I haven't been this out of control since I… you know..."
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. This is all me. I'm a burden, Edward. I'm making you become someone you don't want to be." I wanted to end everything. I wanted everything to be like before. I wanted to be human again, but knew that this was only a dream.
"This is what love is about. It's about conquering fears and rising over adversity. I believe in us. I have to believe in us, enough for us both. I don't know that you do anymore."
"I do, Edward, I do. We'll get through this. It just takes time, and we both have plenty of that." My attempt to lighten the mood was futile, at best. Edward continued to look at the wall, and I was stroking his hair, lacing my fingers between his golden locks.
I wasn't sure what to think, how to respond to his desperation. I loved him; I knew that more than anything. But, could we really weather through this? It wasn't like usual marital problems. We weren't worrying about money or what color to paint the guest room. This was a matter of life and death, of right and wrong, good and evil. And we were in it together, both damned to the same eternity.
---
"Bella, it's time." I lifted my head from the pillows, resting never sleeping. My feet in front of me, doubt behind, I reached for Edward's hand and held my breath.
It was late in the evening, or early in the morning, depended on who you asked. Edward knew that there wouldn't be as many people around at this hour, knew that this would be the perfect time to take me hunting. It had been over a week and I was on fire. My throat was burning; my stomach would spin at the faint sound of a heartbeat. Nothing had changed, I felt the same now as when I was freshly turned.
We were in the car and Edward had put on Debussy. This was his calming music, what he put on when he needed to relax. I recognized this immediately and tried to comfort him. "I think I'm getting better, I didn't feel the urge at all today."
He only nodded his head and kept his eyes on the road, driving over a hundred miles per hour on small side roads. I wanted to grab his face, beg him to forgive me. He was miserable and regretting that he'd turned me. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his breathing. Everything was labored and difficult. I hated myself, hated what I was, and what I wanted.
"We're here." His voice was barely a whisper.
I could smell our next meal in an instant. Not as sweet or tantalizing as what I preferred, but it would quench the thirst we both had, at least enough to get us back home, back to our family.
"Edward, wait." My hands reached out to hold his, only to fall against dead space.
"Bella, we need to get started, I don't want to get back too late."
"I'm sorry. I'm making you miserable. I-" But I couldn't even finish before his arms were tightly around me, holding me together, keeping me from crumbling to pieces in front of him.
"It's not your fault, Bella. I made you what you are, if anyone should feel same, it should be me. I hate that I've shared this with you. It's selfish of me."
His hands were tangled in my hair, lips pressed to my forehead in a kiss. I held him even tighter, not wanting our embrace to ever stop. I pressed my lips to his, searching for forgiveness, for release. Anything to wake me from the sudden desperation we both felt.
He pulled from my arms and guided me by the hand. "We need to feed before it's too late."
---
The drive home was mellower than our ride to our hunting grounds. He held my hand and we talked about the types of things we used to talk about, before I was cursed to the same fate as he was. It was these small moments that I wished for, hoped for. These were the times when I almost felt human again, like nothing had changed.
"I was so afraid of you," Edward mused.
"That still completely baffles me. How can a vampire be afraid of an innocent, clumsy teenager?" I was laughing, it sounded foreign because it wasn't something I'd done much of in the past months.
"And therein is the reason: Innocence. Innocence that I wanted to corrupt and, also, protect. It was strange, how you both frightened and intrigued me." He appeared proud and reluctant at this recollection of memories.
"You confused me from day one, and still continue to. I really, honestly don't know how you tolerate me. I'm like a cancer." My face sunk just thinking of all the reasons he had to leave me, and barely any to stay.
The car came to a stop and he shifted it into park. He took both of my hands and waited for me to look up. "I told you I'd never leave you again, I promised you. I don't know how to make it clear enough that you understand. I love you, Bella, and I'm not going anywhere unless you ask me to. Even then, I can't promise that I'll listen. I think your stubborn ways have rubbed off on me." A small chuckle exited his lips before I pressed mine against them. His hands moved to hold the back of my neck, pressing me harder into him, his scent making my head spin. His lips moved against mine gracefully, with such precise movements. I reached for the bottom of his shirt, yanking it over his head and he broke from our kiss.
"Bella…," he breathed.
"I'm fine, Edward. I want this, I want you."
"I don't think we should. Not now, you aren't ready yet."
"When will I be? When? Do you even know the answer to that? I'm never ready, or good enough, or stable. I want this, Edward." My hands were shaking, and the burning came back, the insatiable desire that I couldn't curb. It was the anger, it always made me thirsty.
"What's wrong?" His eyes focused on my trembling body, my tongue licking my lips. All the signs that I was about to lose control.
"I'm fine," I muttered. I was trying hard to just fight it. To not smell the beauty of aromas that were singing to my thirst. Trying to tell myself that it wasn't anything, it was an illusion. Anything to make myself stay composed, although I was sure I no longer was.
"We're going back to the woods. You didn't have enough. You just need some more. You'll be fine, after you have some more. Everything will be alright." He was trying to convince himself of this fact more than me.
Edward started the car, did a U-turn in the middle of the road and was flying back to the wooded area we'd previously hunted. If we didn't get there soon, I wasn't sure I could account for my actions. I was like a cancer, one that was slowly and painfully killing Edward.